


One of These Nights

by bmot



Category: SHINee
Genre: Age Swap, M/M, Slow Burn, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-10-18 02:25:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 91,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10607364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bmot/pseuds/bmot
Summary: Jinki knows that he’s gay. What he doesn’t know is how to handle a crush on someone as entwined in the music industry as he is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> finally beginning to post this longfic! this one is a little bit of a throwback to older shinee fics: it takes place around 2010 and goes up to the end of 2011. i tried to keep it as accurate to shinee’s career timeline as i could, though there are a few differences. i wanted that classic somewhat band au pining, since i’ve never done that before. ^^ and yes, this is 60k+ inspired by how when jongyu first met, jinki thought jong was older than him. most of the fic is pg, tho there are a few explicit parts (most of them later on). 
> 
> i wouldn’t have been able to get this far without my lovely friends fleckle, minsunshine, mscns on tumblr who helped me edit and let me vent to them far too many times. and my ever-perfect partner yurilikesgirls who has even read a printed-out version and marked it up to make it much much better than the first draft was.

The spring morning air bites against Jinki’s cheeks when he steps out of the van. He follows closely on Taemin’s heels as he hurries into the company building with the rest of the members. He’s grateful that the stylists let him leave his hair long enough to keep his ears warm, but that doesn’t help with his fingers, and he’d forgotten his gloves. He flexes his fingers, trying to will them warm with as little movement as possible. The dance practice for their new title track has left him exhausted to an extent he didn’t realize was possible; he’s too tired to even be excited about wrapping up the last few tracks on their album.

Gyeongshik ushers them down the hall and into the elevator, laughing at the reflection of their dazed expressions when the doors close behind them. “You all look half-dead this morning — are you sure you’ll be able to make it through the recording?”

“Anyone would be dead with this choreography,” Jino sighs. He grips the bar across the back of the elevator as he stretches out his back. “But I guess we’ll have to get used to it, if we want to pull it off live.”

“We’ll be able to do it,” Minho says with an encouraging nod. As always, Minho has enough energy that even the flurry of preparations can’t drain the enthusiasm out of him. “Who are we working with again? Someone new?”

“Yeah, it’s someone you haven’t worked with before — Kim Jonghyun,” Gyeongshik says. “He’s a bit young, but he’s already a bit of a trend setter. He wrote Deja Boo, that song that really took Zion.T up the charts. He does the vocal directing for his own works too, so you’ll get to meet him today.”

Kibum waves the wrinkled lyrics sheet he had brought in Minho’s direction to stop him when he begins to hum the first lines of the song. He pulls it back with furrowed brows, examining the lyrics closely. “You’re sure it’s the same guy? It’s hard to imagine someone who writes music like that would write something this depressing.”

Jino shrugs. “An artist has to be diverse. He can’t write the same kind of song forever.”

Not bothering to open his eyes, Jinki nods in agreement. He’s made a comfortable spot for himself slumped in the corner, and he can worry about the recording once it started — he needs every bit of rest he can get.

When the elevator dings, Jinki drags his feet and follows the rest of the members out of the doors in a daze. Gyeongshik holds the door open for them as they file inside and fan out for introductions. The last to enter, Jinki forces himself to plaster on a smile when he crosses the doorway, knowing all too well that his resting face looks irritable without it.

Though it seems as if he isn’t the one who needs to worry about appearing rude.

The person Jinki presumes to be the vocal director stays with his back turned, making no move to greet them. Still in his chair, he hunches over the desk in front of him and shuffles the sheets of paper under his palms as he bobs his head to the music playing loudly through his headphones . Kibum snickers behind his hand when the man suddenly belts out a note, and Taemin shifts uncomfortably, looking to their manager for help.

Clearing his throat, Gyeongshik steps closer and hovers awkwardly behind the chair. After a soft nod from Minho, he sighs and taps the man’s shoulder before speaking. “Excuse me? Are you Jonghyun-ssi?”

The man jolts, turning around swiftly to look at Gyeongshik with wide eyes. Pulling his headphones out of his ears, he smiles sheepishly at the group in front of him. “I’m so sorry — I didn’t realize you were here.” He ruffles the papers in front of him as he rushes to stand. “I was going over the song we’ll be doing today to prepare for the recording, I didn’t mean to ignore you. I hope you weren’t waiting too long.”

Jinki barely processes a word as Jonghyun rambles off another apology and bows. He hadn’t expected a vocal director to be any different than the usual middle-aged professionals they work with — but just a glance at Jonghyun’s defined jaw has him buzzing with a nervous kind of warmth.

“Anyway—” Jonghyun claps his hands together lightly. “My name is Jonghyun, and I’ll be directing you today. I was also the voice on the guide track, and the composer of the song. It’s an honor to work with you all.”

As Jonghyun makes eye contact with each of them, Jinki swallows and forces himself to pull his eyes up from Jonghyun’s lips. He’s used to being around handsome men and hiding his attraction — it’s part of working in the industry, after all — but there’s always something different about meeting someone not an idol that still catches his eye.

When the introductions begin, Jinki shoves his hands into his pockets and fiddles with a loose string to distract himself. It’s enough to keep the soft burn out of his cheeks, but Jinki is still grateful that his bangs hide his eyes when he bows. Jonghyun’s turtleneck is tight, and he stands with his hip jutted out, making it hard not to notice the curve of his waist and the soft outline of his chest.

_He probably works out a lot_ , Jinki thinks, lingering on the thought for a half-second before he finds the sense to chastise himself. He should be better at handling this by now — he’s at work, and he’s going to record soon, and he should be looking over his lines — but when Jonghyun begins to explain the mood of the song, he loses his concentration again. He can’t seem to stop his eyes from catching on Jonghyun’s hands as he gestures his way through the melody of the song.

Thankfully he manages to regain his focus by the time Jonghyun ushers them into the back to record. He has the recording process to get lost in next and it’s easy to forget about Jonghyun standing outside the room when he has to pay attention to fitting his voice in with the other members. In between takes, he preoccupies himself with amusing Taemin to distract him from the stress that comes with the new harmonies he’d been given. After the group parts are done, Jonghyun lets everyone but Jino out of the room and sends them back to the lobby.

A half-hour later he returns and gestures towards Jinki. “Jino’s done. You ready for your part?”

Eager to follow Jonghyun back to the recording area, Jinki nods. He straightens his sweatshirt and steals a glimpse at his reflection in the glass doors of a recording booth to fix his hair, fully aware he’s being ridiculous. His heart jumps in his chest when Jonghyun puts a hand on his shoulder to guide him past the sound engineer and into the next booth.

“I don’t think I need to explain much more than I did to the group. You already know the meaning of the lyrics well, and the kind of tone I want. I’ve been looking forward to hearing you sing this part, honestly.” He passes the music to Jinki with a smile. “Do you have any questions before we start, Jinki-ssi?”

“I don’t think so. And thank you for the compliment.” Jinki tucks his hair back behind his ear and fights off a pleased flush. His mind is still fizzling, but he knows he’ll be able to remember the lyrics well enough once Jonghyun leaves the booth — it’s just hard to think with him so close by.

“Alright then — let’s get started. I’ll be out there to give feedback. Good luck!” The door clicks behind Jonghyun with a finality that makes his palms sweat. Jinki pulls on the headphones and forces himself to steady his breathing. Handsome director or no, singing will be the same as always.

On the other side of the glass, Jonghyun gives him a countdown with his fingers. Jinki bites his lip when the slow melody of the backtrack begins to play. He doesn’t feel ready. Just as he leans towards the microphone, a wave of nerves clenches his stomach and sends him nearly off-key for the opening note. He catches himself quickly, but his tone still suffers, veering first into an overdramatic sadness that flips into a shaky giddiness when he accidently stares too long at Jonghyun’s hands as they direct him to keep time.

Jonghyun cuts the music off halfway through the song. His brows furrow when he speaks through the sound system to Jinki. “No pressure on this, since that was just our first test — but how did you feel about that one?”

“Not good at all,” Jinki says. He folds back the dog-eared corner of his music sheet and looks up at Jonghyun, trying at a smile. “I know I was way off — let’s start over again?

“Let’s,” Jonghyun agrees. He turns back to the sound engineer and gestures for him to start over. The countdown gives Jinki time to calm down enough that he flows easily into the opening lines, but the rest is still difficult — he’s hitting the notes perfectly, but he can’t seem to tap into the longing tone he knows Jonghyun wanted to hear.

When the outro plays, Jinki sighs — they had made it all the way through the song this time, but he already knows he’ll have to do it again. The frown on Jonghyun’s face tells him that, and it makes him doubly conscious of every nervous fidget in his fingers when Jonghyun reenters the room to speak with him.

“You’re hitting every note just fine now,” Jonghyun says. “It’s just the emotions in it that need adjusting.”

“I think so too,” Jinki agrees. “I definitely didn’t convey the lyrics as well as I should have.”

Jonghyun nods, satisfied that Jinki had agreed with his feedback. “It was a bit too warm? You sound slightly hopeful, like you might be able to get back together with the person it’s about…when in this song, there’s not a chance.” Jonghyun sighs, running his hand through his hair as he tries to find another way to convey the meaning. “I know your voice has a bit of a warm timbre to it naturally, but this song needs something different. Do you think you could give it a bit of sadness?”

Jinki mumbles out an agreement as he scans back over the lyrics. His eagerness to impress is only making it harder for him to fit the song — Jonghyun wants melancholy, not a vocal reflection of the flutter he’s getting in his stomach every time he glances at Jonghyun.

“You ready to give it another go, then?” Jonghyun smiles, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Remember to sound heartbroken this time — the love is hopeless.”

“I’ll do my best,” Jinki says.

He pinches the skin of his palm to clear his head as he waits for Jonghyun’s cue. This time when the backtrack starts, he closes his eyes and lets himself swim in the melody. He’s never had a love like this, but it’s still easy to get absorbed in the story of Jonghyun’s lyrics and imagine himself at the dead-end of a romance.  He lets his voice waver over the most painful lines before pulling back from the microphone to slip into the closing note of the song with a breathy sigh.

When the music fades away, Jinki snaps his eyes open and looks to Jonghyun for approval. “How was that?”

“Much better!” Jonghyun waves for Jinki to come join him by the soundboard. “We’ll try and play it back with everyone else’s part to see how it sounds, but I think this will be good.”

Jinki takes off his headphones and leaves the room, hoping this is his last time recording for the day. He sits himself in the chair farthest from Jonghyun, afraid that if he sits too close his eyes will be drawn down to Jonghyun’s thighs.

Jonghyun looks towards him and frowns at the space Jinki had put between them. “C’mon, you don’t have to sit so far away — you need to be able to hear this well. Your feedback is important.”

“Ah, sorry.” Jinki rolls his chair towards Jonghyun, only stopping when he catches the first hint of Jonghyun’s cologne. The scent is woody and light, with a subtle warmth to it that makes Jinki’s palms tingle against the warms of his chair — he has to fight the urge to lean in to work out the nuances of the scent.

“Alright, here we go!” Jonghyun reaches across the soundboard to replay the last recording. When Jinki hears his voice come through the speakers, he fidgets with his sleeve to keep from picking at his nails. Listening to himself for errors is always his least favorite part of the recording process.

Tilting his head back, Jonghyun closes his eyes and rests a hand on his jaw, expression unreadable as he taps a finger from his other hand along with the music. At the climax of the song, Jonghyun’s lips twitch in subtle shifts as he mouths the words. Jinki leans forward impatiently the second the song ends and watches Jonghyun’s eyes for any giveaway of his thoughts.

“That was perfect.” Jonghyun smiles broadly at him. “You sounded amazing — just the type of sadness I wanted.”

Jinki covers his face with his hands and sighs loudly in relief. Somehow, he had managed to pull it off despite the distraction.

“Were you that nervous?” Jonghyun laughs lightly. “You always sing really well, even in lives. I didn’t think you’d be worried.”

“I get nervous every time I work with someone new,” Jinki says to give a half-truth. “And you looked really serious, especially after I messed up the first few recordings.”

“I always hear that from people I direct — they say I’m intimidating.” Jonghyun sighs and pushes his bangs back, entirely unaware of how the simple gesture makes Jinki’s pulse race. “I really don’t mean to come off that way, especially when I work with idol groups — I know you all must be tired, with all that dancing and concept stuff to worry about. I hope I’m not too harsh with you.”

“No, you weren’t too harsh at all,” Jinki blurts out, embarrassing himself with his enthusiasm. “I mean — you’re just trying to do your job, and your feedback is necessary. You should push us for the best results, since we’re singers too. We don’t want to settle just because we’re idols.”

Jonghyun’s mouth quirks in amusement. “I’ve heard you’re hard-working. I won’t go easy on you when we record the next song, then — but I’m sure you’ll handle it well.”

“Thank you.” Jinki rubs his hand over his knee, unsure what to do with the compliment. “Um — does that mean we’re done with this song, then?”

“You are, at least. Taemin should be next. Would you mind grabbing him for me when you go back out?” Jonghyun asks, attention already shifting back to the soundboard.

“I’ll send him in.” Jinki bows. “Thank you for working with me today.”

Jonghyun gives him a nod in return. “Of course, you too.”

Jinki turns away quickly. His heart is still floating in his chest as he walks down the hall, and he pinches the skin of his palm, digging his nails in until it stings to get rid of the ridiculous smile on his face.

When he reaches the lobby, Taemin looks up at him with wide eyes, nervousness evident from the fingers clutched tight around his knee. Jinki gives a reassuring nod and pats him on the shoulder before motioning for him to stand. “You’re next, Taemin. Jonghyun asked me to send you back.”

“Alright.” Taemin swallows and nods. Jinki lets him leave without another word — he knows from experience it’s best to let him be alone this close to a recording.

Settling down next to Minho, Jinki tunes out the members’ conversation about their new variety prospects and pulls out his headphones. He pushes them into his ears with a loud sigh, grateful to be done for the day — he’d somehow managed not to make a fool of himself despite the temptation to spend his time staring at Jonghyun’s lips.

He lets himself linger on the image now, licking his own as he tries to remember their shape. Jonghyun had been so close when they had been in the recording booth together. He adjusts his sweatshirt over his lap and crosses his legs — it’s too easy to lose himself in a fantasy of what could have happened while they were alone in a soundproof room.

A tap on his shoulder jars him out of the image and makes him jump. Minho pulls one of his earbuds out with a gentle tug and leans closer to whisper to him. “Did your recording go well, hyung? It didn’t seem like you were gone that long.”

“Yeah, uh—” Jinki clears his throat. “It wasn’t bad at all. Jonghyun is pretty easy to work with.”

“That’s good, Minho says, satisfied. “I’ve been worried, since I’m not used to doing parts other people write…”

“You’ll do fine.” Jinki squeezes Minho’s knee. “This kind of song suits you.”

“Thanks, hyung.” Minho smiles and leans back in his chair, relieved. After a moment of thought, his expression shifts back into worry as he chews at his lip. “You think Taemin’s doing alright back there?”

Jinki frowns — he’d been so caught up in his own thoughts he’d forgotten Taemin had more lines than usual. He taps at his phone to check the time, trying not to show his worry when the screen lights up to tell him it’s been over an hour. He doesn’t want Minho to get worked up if he ends up being next, so he forces out a shrug. “I’m sure he’s doing fine. Taemin’s been practicing these parts for a while, and you know how much he’s improved.”

“You’re right,” Minho sighs. Moving on quickly, he turns away to poke at Jino’s side and challenge him to another round of the phone game that they had been absorbed in the past week.

Slumping back in his chair, Jinki scrolls through his music to the guide track for their next song. At least tomorrow he won’t be caught off guard by the attractive vocal director on the other side of the glass.

Jinki manages to squeeze in a few listens before Jonghyun comes back down the hallway from the recording rooms. Taemin trails after him with his hands sunk in his pockets and his lip bitten raw. Jinki tries to catch him by the elbow when walks by, but Taemin dodges it easily, stepping past Jinki to throw himself in the furthest chair in the corner.

Jonghyun clears his throat to draw their attention away from Taemin. “Well, that’s it for the singing parts. I think we’ll break for lunch before we have Minho and Kibum record — does that sound good?”

“I could use a meal,” Minho agrees half-heartedly, turning to Taemin to try and draw him into the conversation. “Where would you want to go?”

“I was actually thinking I could order all of you lunch, and we could eat it here,” Jonghyun offers. “That way you don’t have to run out and run back in before we finish the recording.”

Taemin sits up, a little energy coming back into his eyes at the mention of free food. “You sure you want to offer that? We can eat a lot…”

“As long as your manager gives the okay,” Jonghyun says with a glance over to Gyeongshik. “I don’t want to throw off any special comeback diet you might be on.”

The whole group turns to Gyeongshik, who shrugs. “You’ve all been working hard enough with the choreography, I don’t think an extra meal would make a difference. Just don’t tell the other managers about it.”

Jonghyun grins at the excited chatter that breaks out among the members as he pulls out his phone. “Alright then — now for the hard part.” He covers his mouth with his hand and speaks to them in a stage-whisper. “What do you want to order? It can be anything you like — your company paid me really well for my songs.”

Jinki smiles dumbly at the small comment as Taemin chimes in. “I want anything with meat. Maybe chicken? We haven’t had that in so long…”

“I think we all miss it,” Minho laughs. “Jinki will be happy. He’s been complaining about the diet for weeks…”

“I haven’t been complaining much,” Jinki grumbles. He flushes when Jonghyun’s attention shifts to him, feeling the need to explain himself to keep from seeming petty. “I mean, we just don’t get to have lots of meat often. Of course I’m excited about it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with loving food,” Jonghyun says, already tapping at his phone. “Just write what you all want on that notepad on the desk, and I’ll read it off when I order.”

Jinki grabs the pad of paper and and starts jotting down the members’ orders. When Jonghyun gestures for it in the middle of the call, Jinki passes it over. His cheeks burn at the slight brush of Jonghyun’s fingers against his own, and his feet suddenly feel too heavy for him to step away.

He only realizes he’s lingered too close when Jonghyun wraps up the call with a short, “that’ll be all” and turns to him with an eyebrow raised. “Hm? Did I get the order wrong?”

“No, sorry — I just spaced out.” Jinki scratches the back of his neck and glances back at the members guiltily — he should be checking on Taemin, not trying to stay close to someone he just met. Jonghyun follows the direction of Jinki’s gaze and chews on his lip, hesitating for a moment before he brings Jinki closer to him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you worried about him?” Jonghyun whispers with a knowing look. “You all seemed to be looking out for him during the group parts, and after we finished recording his part…”

“Kind of worried,” Jinki admits, nod following a half-beat behind. He’s distracted by the hand on his shoulder, but he manages to fumble through the rest of his thoughts. “I know Taemin was nervous about having so many lines, and his face when he came out…I worry what I said about you needing to push us as singers might have made you be harsher on him than you would normally be. He seemed pretty down when he came out.”

Jonghyun squeezes his shoulder once before releasing it with a soft smile. “No, you didn’t affect how I treated him. I have a pretty set method of directing now. Taemin handled it well, too. He struggled a bit at first, but I think that was more from trying to meet his own expectations. That kid doesn’t know how to give himself a break.”

“He works hard, yeah. He’s improved so much already,” Jinki agrees. He scratches at his sweatshirt to try and ease the buzzing in his skin from where Jonghyun had touched him.

“He really has, it’s impressive. Is Jungyeop training him now?”

“Yeah, he is,” Jinki answers, surprised to hear the name of his previous vocal coach. “How’d you know?”

“Jungyeop and I have been friends for a while. He hosted Blue Night radio before me, so we got to know each other through that. He talked about working with you and Jino before, so I figured he probably took Taemin on as well now that he’s developing more as a singer.”

“Mm, I didn’t realize you two were close…”Jinki trails off. He racks his mind for anything Jungyeop might have passed along about him. He wasn’t _that_ difficult during his trainee days, but there were certainly enough tears and fits of self-doubt involved in the process of training for him to think the first Jonghyun had heard of him might have been a complaint related to his whining.

Jonghyun spots Jinki’s worry and teases him. “Don’t worry, he didn’t have anything bad to say about you. He just introduced me to you and Jino’s voices and said you would be great to work with. That turned out to be true.”

“Thank you,” Jinki mumbles. He links his fingers together in front of him to keep from fidgeting. The unexpected praise from Jonghyun flustered him too much for him to think of a good response, and though he wants nothing more than to extend the conversation, he can’t think of anything to talk about that wouldn’t sound forced. With a small bow, he backs away and returns to the members.

He can’t bring himself to care what Minho and Kibum are bickering over, but he doesn’t want to get caught staring, so he makes sure to only look towards Jonghyun from the corner of his eye. The glimpses at Jonghyun’s hands on his phone and the shifting curve of his hip as he shuffles from foot to foot are satisfying enough. Though the members wouldn’t be able to guess that he’s gay just from one instance of staring, caution never hurt. He’s careful to keep up appearances: he has his mental list of actresses and female idols to draw from whenever the topic of girls inevitably arises, and a perfectly clear internet history on every device he owns.

“The food is here!” Jonghyun shouts. Jinki nearly gets whiplash when the members’ heads all snap to the door at once.

As Minho whines over his hunger, Taemin and Jino line up behind him, watching impatiently as Jonghyun pays with his card. The delivery man passes it back and reaches into his basket to stack the boxes of their food into Jonghyun’s hands, one on top of the other until they reach all the way to his chin. When his basket is emptied, he bows quickly and dashes out of the door, leaving Jonghyun with an oversized tower of boxes.

Jonghyun turns back to them with gritted teeth as he tries to keep the stack from piling over. “Must be intimidated by celebrities or something — you’re going to have to get these yourselves before I drop them.”

Taemin swipes his from the top without a word. The rest of the members grab theirs with a quick “thanks” and find seats as Jinki hovers back, already knowing from the color of the box that his is towards the bottom of the stack. He takes the box carefully to avoid touching Jonghyun’s hands. “Thank you for the lunch.”

“You’re welcome. I’m happy to treat you all.” Jonghyun’s eyes crinkle as he follows Jinki to join the members with his own box. “Besides, it’s been a while since I had fried food.”

The members hum a chorus of agreement and nod to Jonghyun’s statement, mouths too full with food for words. When the chattering picks up to its usual volume after Minho finishes his meal, Jinki stops paying attention to the conversation, instead bouncing his focus between his own food and the way Jonghyun’s fingers look almost graceful as he picks through his meal. He’s so busy envying the cup of water that Jonghyun brings to his lips that he misses the question directed at him — it’s only when Jino shakes his shoulder that he realizes the group is waiting for him speak.

“Jinki-ssi?” Jonghyun repeats as he sets down his drink and leans forward. “I asked what you thought about the part for your song we’ll be recording tomorrow.”

“My part?” Jinki blinks. “Oh — yeah, I like it a lot. The lyrics are well written.”

Jonghyun smiles at him in appreciation of the compliment even as Kibum snickers in the background. “I was actually asking if you wanted to put in any more adlibs, but I’m glad that you like the lyrics.”

“I think it’s good as is.” Jinki’s ears burn with embarrassment. “You’re the vocal director, so I trust your judgement. I’ll let you know if I think of anything that sounds good.”

“I have an idea.” Jino gives him a suggestive nudge. “You should add something like you did in Shout Out. That would certainly make it interesting.”

“I don’t think that would fit with Jonghyun’s song,” Jinki mumbles, not wanting to protest and feed the teasing — he hasn’t heard the end of that subject since they worked on that song weeks ago.

“I don’t know, I can see it working,” Kibum says. He doesn’t flinch even when Jinki shoots him a glare. “It would certainly make it sound more sensual, and the lyrics are already suggestive.”

Jonghyun grins. “You noticed, huh? They told me you were going for a more adult image with this album, so I thought it would be fun write something like that.”

“See, hyung?” Taemin joins in the moment of the conversation. “It would fit. You can do that sound again.”

When Jinki grimaces, Jonghyun looks between him and the other members with interest. “You’re making me really curious about this other song. Was it that embarrassing? Did Jinki have to rap or something?”

“No,” Minho says. “Kibum and I did all that. He just had to make a different background noise, but it was kind of…”

“A moan,” Kibum deadpans. “They made him moan.”

“Oh — wow,” Jonghyun laughs. “Did they really?”

When Kibum confirms it with a suggestive raise of an eyebrow, Jinki throws a napkin at him to end the teasing before anyone can embarrass him further. “Yes, they made me record that. I still don’t get why they thought I was the most suitable person to do it…I’m just hoping no one will be able to tell it’s me in the final version.”

“Well — whatever reason they had, I don’t think we’ll need that kind of thing in my song.” Jonghyun gives Jinki a reassuring nod that only doubles his embarrassment. “I like things to be more subtle, so you won’t have to worry about doing that a second time.”

“Saves our ears, honestly,” Kibum quips. “I don’t want to hear Jinki make that noise ever again.”

***

Jonghyun holds the door open for them after the last recording. “I’ll see you all tomorrow — be sure to give your voices some rest. Tomorrow’s song might take a little longer, since I have a few ideas I want to try out.”

The members nod along tiredly, eyes half-shut as they shuffle into the hall. Jinki stops and turns to give an extra bow as the rest of them head toward the elevator. “Thank you again for the meal and your coaching today, Jonghyun-ssi. It was good working with you.”

Jonghyun shrugs off the praise. “It’s your voices that make the song. I only help bring them out. You did good today, too.”

“Yeah.” Jinki licks his lips in the silence that follows — he knows perfectly well that he’s stalling, but he might as well before the elevator arrives. “You mentioned Blue Night earlier — isn’t that the radio show that’s on at—”

“Hurry up, old man!” Kibum shouts at him from down the hall and gestures to the now-opening doors of the elevator. “We might get some actual sleep tonight if you stop moving so slow.”

“I’ll be there in a second!” Jinki rolls his eyes before he turns back to Jonghyun. “Sorry about that — I should go.”

“Yeah, you don’t want them to get cranky,” Jonghyun says with an amused grin. “And to answer your question, my show’s on from midnight till two. I wouldn’t recommend listening to it if you want to sleep.”

“We always have time to sleep between schedules, so—” Jinki flinches when a shout from his manager interrupts him. He begins walking backwards towards the elevators. “I’ll listen to it when I have a chance.”

“Hope you enjoy it, then.” Jonghyun waves him on. “Have a good night.”

“You too!” Jinki hurries to the doors and reaches them just before they close. He sighs, letting the buzz in his stomach fade as he settles back into his usual spot amongst the group. Whatever happens during schedules, he can usually count on the members to be noisy on the way on the dorm. The chaos keeps him from dwelling on any mistakes that happen in their practices or performances, and he had hoped that tonight it would keep him from remembering how embarrassingly smitten he had acted all through the day.

But tonight, they’re quiet. Kibum and Jino fall asleep within minutes of entering the van, while Taemin and Minho are too exhausted to do anything but fiddle idly with their phones. Jinki’s stuck with his thoughts.

He leans his head against the window. With nothing better to think of, he gives in to the images of Jonghyun he had managed to imprint on his memory.  He’s used to fleeting crushes and ill-timed arousal — the combination of working with attractive men and his obligatory celibacy guarantees that both happen often — but he had thought that he could at least avoid dealing with it during recordings.

It’s a harmless feeling to indulge, when there’s no guarantee Jonghyun will write for them again — or that’s what he tells himself when he gets back to the dorm and opens his laptop to search for Blue Night. The barrier of a screen between them will keep Jonghyun from ever knowing about his interest. He scrolls through the page for the radio program, pausing briefly at every picture of Jonghyun with a musical guest. The pictures from summer he lingers on the most — he had already guessed that Jonghyun worked out, but seeing him sleeveless proves his assumption right.

Glancing over his shoulder to make sure no one is at the door, Jinki saves the picture to his hard drive. He rests his tongue between his teeth as he does the same for a few of Jonghyun in low-cut shirts and tight-fitting sweaters. They’re innocent enough to pass off as fashion reference, but more than enough for him to piece together a mental image of what Jonghyun would look like shirtless.

By the time he reaches the bottom of the page, it’s nearly midnight. He sets his laptop down on the bedside table and plugs in his headphones, getting comfortable as he watches the clock turn. The intro music is soft and similar in feeling to the song they had recorded earlier. Though Jinki has only heard a few of Jonghyun’s compositions so far, he can already recognize his style.

Jinki swallows hard when Jonghyun starts to speak. His voice is softer than it had been in the studio, lower and warmer in a way that makes him instinctively close his eyes to better imagine Jonghyun’s lips shifting around every word. He shoves his face into his pillow, embarrassed at the way his stomach flutters when he thinks of seeing Jonghyun tomorrow. It isn’t as if they’re even friends — they hadn’t spent more than a few hours together, all of which were strictly professional. But the candidness that Jonghyun speaks with over the radio makes it easy to imagine they’ve known each other for ages, and that the story Jonghyun is telling is the same he’d give Jinki during a late-night conversation over drinks.

Jinki pauses at that thought — there’s no reason they couldn’t go actually go out for drinks. Jonghyun obviously has an interest in all of them as musicians, and he’s already a friend of a friend. He might not be able to ask him out, but he could certainly strike up a conversation and gain a new drinking partner. He’d been short of those ever since his high school friends had signed up for the army.

He rolls onto his back to lay out a plan. He’ll have plenty to talk about from listening to the radio show, and working in the same industry gives him an easy reason to ask for Jonghyun’s number. All he has to do is keep his nerve.

***

Jinki puts on his best smile when he sees Jonghyun at the studio door the next morning. He’d decided to wear something other than his usual off-schedule sweatshirt and ratty jeans, and it had helped — he manages to bow and meet Jonghyun’s eyes without losing his train of thought. “Good morning, Jonghyun-ssi.”

“Morning, Jinki-ssi,” Jonghyun says. He greets each of the members as they file into the room, then raises his voice to speak to them all. “It’s good to see you all again. I brought some tea since we’ll be working hard today. It’ll be good for your throat, and I got a few different kinds — they’re over on the table, so go ahead and grab one.”

The members rush out a collective _thank you_ and dash to the drinks the second Jonghyun finishes his speech. Too tired to care about finding his favorite flavor, Jinki swipes the nearest drink off of the table and retreats to corner — he can already hear Minho protesting Kibum’s grab for the last ginger tea. Their bickering is a perfect distraction that keeps attention away from him.

He looks at Jonghyun from over the rim of his cup, body warming even before he sips at his drink. Jonghyun’s clothing isn’t as tight as it had been the day before, but Jinki finds it distracting still — he’d memorized Jonghyun’s build well enough yesterday for his imagination to have no problem filling in the gaps where his shirt hangs around his waist.

When he glances up to his face, Jonghyun is looking at him with a lopsided grin. As Jonghyun begins walking towards him, Jinki fixes his stare down at his tea, wishing intently that he could have it iced — just the thought that he had been caught staring is enough to make him sweat.

He manages to compose himself well enough that his stomach doesn’t flip when Jonghyun gives a soft laugh. “Are your bandmates always this energetic?”

“It’s rare in the morning,” Jinki says. “But they make an exception for food or drinks.”

“I guess I should have noticed that yesterday, huh?” Jonghyun looks back at the group with amusement before giving a shrug. “Anyway, we’ll leave them to that — I wanted to ask if you’re ready to head back. We’ll be starting with you today since you have the most lines. I want everyone to follow your lead.”

“Oh, um — sure. I think I’m ready.” Jinki sets his drink aside to remove his jacket, movements stiff. He can’t tell if he’s more nervous about his part or being nearly alone with Jonghyun again.

“So…” Jonghyun trails off they walk back to the recording booth. “As we discussed yesterday, I’m sure you’ve noticed the lyrics to this song are a bit suggestive.”

“Yeah, I remember.” Jinki keeps his expression as blank as he can manage, hoping Jonghyun won’t go into detail — the last thing he needs is to imagine how Jonghyun might have found the inspiration.

“Good — I wanted to talk about that.” Jonghyun opens the recording booth for him and ushers him inside. “I made sure the song wasn’t overtly sexual — I’m not going to get your group into a scandal — but I was hoping the way you sing it might make the lyrics more apparent. I think that warmth you have in your tone will sound sensual here, if we do it right. I’ve been looking forward to hearing it.”

“Thank you,” Jinki murmurs, caught off guard. He thought he had been getting better at handling the compliments, but he’s just as flustered as he had been yesterday. He scans back over the music sheet to regain his focus and clears his throat. “Is there anything related to my lines specifically that you wanted to discuss?”

Jonghyun’s brow furrows. “Only one thing I can think of — that part you have about the candle, and the dripping wax…” He smirks as he leans in towards the page. “I don’t think I need to explain the meaning behind that, or that it needs to sound a little more suggestive than the rest. You get what that’s about, right?”

Unable to help himself, Jinki grins back. He’s considers himself lucky to get the closest line to something nineteen-rated they’ve ever gotten. “Yeah, I get it. I’ll be sure to make it sound like what you meant.”

“Perfect.” Jonghyun runs his finger down the lyrics one last time before turning his feet to the door. “You feel ready to give it a shot, then?”

Jinki takes a deep breath. “As much as I’ll ever be, I guess.”

“You’ll do great, don’t worry.”

After a final pat of Jinki’s shoulder, he leaves the booth and circles around to the soundboard outside. Jinki keeps his eyes open from the moment Jonghyun gives him the warning queue, to the moment the backtrack begins. He shouldn’t be looking at Jonghyun while he sings, but it’s easier to flow into the suggestiveness of the song with Jonghyun giving him a knowing grin from the other side of the glass.

The words echo through him as he slips into the lines about temptation, and he throws himself into the song fully, realizing quickly how right it feels to sing about a form of _desire_ he might actually experience — somehow, Jonghyun had made the lyrics ambiguous enough for him to pretend the song is about a boy.

Jinki pulls back from the microphone with a small smile when the music ends. He has a feeling he did well, and judging by the cheer from outside, Jonghyun seems to agree.

“I guess this kind of song is more your thing than ballads, huh?” Jonghyun says after waving him out of the room. “I’m impressed — you might have nailed it on the first go.”

“You really think so?” Jinki rubs the back of his neck. “There’s probably a few parts we need to redo…”

Jonghyun pats the seat next to him. “We’ll see about that — you can sit here while we work with it. _I_ think it’s exactly what I wanted, but our sound engineer wants to rework it a bit.”

Jinki does a half-spin as he throws himself into the offered chair, too pleased with himself to care about appearances. A perfect-run through is something to be proud of, but pulling it off in front of a handsome guy — and getting praise for it from him — is even better.

Satisfied with himself, Jinki leans back to watch Jonghyun work. This might be the last time he gets to record with him, depending on how SM feels about the success of his songs and the image they want for the next album. Their constantly-changing sound makes sure that they rarely work with the same song-writer twice.

A terse word from the sound engineer snaps Jinki out of his thoughts. Jonghyun mumbles something and pats the man’s back before turning to Jinki. “We’re having a little disagreement about one part. He wants to play with it on his own for a bit before we know if you’re going to have to give it another shot.”

Jinki nods, not wanting to get involved in the disagreement. He fiddles with the loose fabric on the chair when Jonghyun rests his chin in his hand, sensing a chance to start a conversation in the silence. “Um, Jonghyun-ssi —” he fumbles for the first thing he can think of. “I listened to your radio show last night.”

“Oh? You did?” Jonghyun mood lifts instantly. “I hope you liked it. I might not have been the best host yesterday…having to wake up for these recordings throws off my usual sleep schedule. I always sound exhausted.”

“If you were, I didn’t notice. I think you have a really good radio voice,” Jinki says. “You had Coffee Boy on as your guest, right? I really enjoy his music.”

“You really did listen, huh?” Jonghyun teases. “I like him too, we have him on a lot. Often enough for him to get sick of me joking he’s obligated to bring coffee every time if he wants to stay on air.”

Jinki snickers — that’s exactly the kind of joke he would make. Jonghyun’s mouth quirks. “You know, I think you’re the only person to ever find that funny.”

“I doubt that. It’s a good joke.”

Before Jonghyun can respond, the sound engineer taps on his shoulder. “You were right, Jonghyun. This should be good. I do like the rougher sound in that part.”

“I told you it suited the song.” Jonghyun turns back to Jinki with a proud smile. “You did well. Looks like you’re mostly done for the day.”

Jinki blinks, too shocked to fully accept the praise. “Thank you, but — are you sure? That was good enough?”

“If he says it’s good, we’re good.” Jonghyun stands from the chair and stretches his arms over his head with a loud sigh. His shirt slips out of his jeans, and Jinki’s eyes skip down, drawn to the sliver of skin faster than he can think to stop himself. The heat in his stomach when he glimpses black elastic is enough to stop him from lingering, at least — he snaps his attention back to Jonghyun’s face just in time for when he speaks.

“Now we need to do the group parts.” He fixes his shirt. “I’ll go grab the members, you can wait here if you like.”

Jinki’s chair rolls back in his rush to stand. If they’re going to get the members, this might be his last shot at asking Jonghyun for his number. “I’ll come with.”

“Great, you can give them a pep talk then.” Jonghyun places a casual hand on his shoulder to push him along towards the hallway. The courage Jinki had built up tumbles apart at the touch. He walks awkwardly ahead, tongue resting as a dead weight in his mouth as he tries to find words. Half-way down, he manages to push out an _um_ that’s drowned out by the sound engineer shouting for Jonghyun down the hall.

“Jonghyun, hold on!” He leans around the corner. “Shouldn’t you send Minho back next? His part overlaps with Jinki’s, and we need to make sure that mixes well.”

Jonghyun shakes his head. “I don’t think we need to worry about that. We can always have Jinki redo the end if we start having problems.”

The discussion picks up into a back and forth, leaving Jinki as an awkward third wheel to an argument filled with more technical terms than he can count. He rocks back on his heels, growing increasingly anxious. Though he rationalizes that he wants Jonghyun’s number for professional reasons —- which is exactly what he’ll say, when he asks — he still fears that something in his voice might give away the attraction that had led him to look into Jonghyun’s radio show.

_I’m only asking to be friends_ , Jinki reassures himself, and that’s perfectly normal. _Jonghyun would never guess that I’m attracted to him, and it won’t go anywhere._

Even with that thought, his stomach still drops when Jonghyun turns back to him. “Thanks for waiting for us to wrap that up — he can be a bit stubborn. Let’s get the rest of your group now.”

“It’s fine.” Jinki cringes at the tension in his own voice. Clearing his throat, he motions for Jonghyun to wait, forcing himself to ignore the swoop in his stomach as Jonghyun’s attention shifts fully to him. “Um, Jonghyun-ssi…before we go back, I wanted to ask if you’d like to trade numbers.”

Jonghyun blinks, lips parting slightly in confusion as he processes the question. His hands were already resting by his side, but they seem stiller than before, as if time in the studio had come to a stop just to drag out Jinki’s nerves.

“…You want my phone number?”

“Yeah,” Jinki says, rushing to explain himself as his cheeks warm. “I don’t have many people to talk about music with, since the members have different tastes. And I liked your show, so I thought it might be nice.”

“Oh — that sounds great, yeah.” Jonghyun smiles. “Give me your phone and I’ll put in my kakao information, I use that the most for messaging.”

Jinki’s heart swells with victory as he passes his phone over to Jonghyun, still not quite able to believe it had gone so easily. “Thank you.”

“Of course — success is built on networking, isn’t it?” Jonghyun raises a brow at him. “Just message me later, I’ll get your information that way. I left my phone in the studio.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” Jinki affirms. Bowing slightly, he takes his phone back with both hands, unable to help a smile at the tingling that slips up his fingers when they brush slightly against Jonghyun’s.

***

Jinki huffs at his phone for the tenth time. Maybe if he sighs hard enough, the movement of air across the screen will input the perfect words to start a conversation with Jonghyun.

He knows he’s making this a bigger deal than he should — he’d nearly done the same when he’d tried to plan out a dozen ways to get Jonghyun’s number — but he can’t seem to stop himself from overthinking it again.

Compared to this, getting Jonghyun’s number had been easy. It was a solid goal with a definite end point — entirely different than trying to fulfill a vague desire to spend time together. He’d been too caught up in Jonghyun’s charm to think through what a friendship with him might involve — trying to write a casual text is difficult when he knows next to nothing about Jonghyun, outside of his music-writing and radio show. And he can’t exactly start a conversation about Jonghyun’s handsome face or pleasant voice when he’s trying to only be friends.

As Jinki continues to work on gathering his courage, Taemin slumps over the couch behind him, letting his arms dangle over Jinki’s shoulders. “Why do you keep staring at your phone, hyung?” He asks, batting at Jinki’s hands to keep him from hiding the screen when he leans towards it. “Are you asking someone out?”

Jinki whips his head around to glare at Taemin. “Since when have I wanted to date anyone? And do you really think I’d do that so close to promotions?”

Taemin shrugs. “I don’t know.  It’d be a good distraction in case you get rejected.”

“Thanks for the confidence-booster…” Jinki grumbles. He stares back down at his phone before holding it up for Taemin to see. “It’s not a girl. I got Jonghyun-ssi’s number during our last recording, so I could ask him about music, but I don’t know what to message him. I kind of want to ask about composing, but I don’t see why he’d help me anyway. He’s not used to working with idol groups, and he’s probably busy with his own work.”

“I’m sure he’d give you advice if you asked for it,” Taemin says. “He was friendly when we were there, and he involved us in the process. I think he’d be happy to hear you’re interested in songwriting.”

Jinki purses his lips and reaches up to ruffle Taemin’s hair with one hand. “You’re probably right — he wouldn’t have given me his number if he didn’t want to talk to me.”

Taemin nods sagely. “I can help more, if you want. You can tell me what to type, and I’ll write it for you — or I can just stay here and tell you what to say.”

“No thanks. It’ll only make me more nervous.” Jinki shoves his phone in his pocket and rolls off of the couch, nearly slipping on the wood floor as he hurries to reach his room. An offer for help from Taemin always turned into him taking over, and he doesn’t want to take any chances with Jonghyun.

Taemin watches his escape with a raised brow. “Now you _really_ sound like you’re asking someone out, hyung — did you get a girl’s number and save it under Jonghyun’s name?”

Jinki rolls his eyes and shuts the door behind him. He throws himself on the bed to try and get his adrenaline pumping before pulling his phone back out.  His screen is still open to an empty chatroom with Jonghyun’s name at the top. The appearance of the keyboard when he taps at the screen makes his mind swim again. Should he ask something about Blue Night again, or about composing? He could jump right into asking to meet up, or he could send Jonghyun one of his songs…

He shakes his head to rid his mind of the possibilities. The longer he waits to send a message, the less likely he is to find the courage to send something at all. He’ll just start with his name, and a simple introduction — since Jonghyun hadn’t had the time to get his username, that would be the most logical way to start. He can worry about the rest later.

majingki: Hi Jonghyun-ssi, this is Jinki from SHINee. I hope you don’t mind me contacting you so soon. Thank you for working with us the past two days!

realjonghyun85: Ah, Jinki??? The angel-voiced Jinki???

majingki: Yeah, me the angel ^^

realjonghyun85: Too cute hehe

realjonghyun85: Why are you messaging me so late? You have more recordings soon, don’t you…?

majingki: I couldn’t sleep…so I watched some TV, then listened to your radio show ^^

majingki: It should have put me to sleep, but it wakes me up … the music is too good

realjonghyun85: You’re flattering me … is it because I bought you lunch again today?

majingki: No… the show is really that good, especially the interludes! You wrote them, right?

majingki: Your voice is so nice ^^

realjonghyun85: Eh…Even when I’m singing?

majingki: Yes!! You sound great, Jonghyun-ssi … so professional

realjonghyun85: Of course I am … I’m getting paid for it, right?

realjonghyun85: And if we’re going to talk like this, you can call me hyung~

realjonghyun85: We don’t need to be so formal

majingki: Okay hyung ^^

Jinki sends off the text before he can process it — he wonders if Jonghyun usually invites new acquaintances to be casual this early.

majingki: I hope I’m not keeping you up by messaging you this late … you probably got off of work a while ago

realjonghyun85: You’re not, I’m bad at sleeping

realjonghyun85: I’m usually up a few hours past this no matter what

majingki: Wow, really?

majingki: What can you even do later than this TTT I’m almost too tired to think already…

realjonghyun85: That’s cause you’re used to early mornings hehe

realjonghyun85: I’m used to working late, so I do most of my writing at night

realjonghyun85: Something about the quiet helps me, I think

realjonghyun85: It’s really peaceful

majingki: Ah, that makes sense…

majingki: Maybe I should try doing the same

majingki: It’s usually too noisy in the dorms to get anything done TTT

majingki: Hard to keep track of a melody when someone is always complaining…

realjonghyun85: Oh?

realjonghyun85: You write music too?

majingki: Just a little bit…

majingki: That’s actually part of why I wanted your number ^^;

majingki: I was hoping to get some help, if you’re not too busy … I would appreciate any feedback

majingki: I don’t want to share them with SM yet, when I’m still this new to it TTT

majingki: And I really admire hyung’s work … the songs you wrote for us are really pretty

realjonghyun85: Flattery again? Hehe

realjonghyun85: You should have told me you want to write music earlier though!!

realjonghyun85: I could have told you more about how I wrote the song from today…

majingki: Sorry hyung TTT

majingki: You were too professional, and I was too shy…

realjonghyun85: So cute hehe

realjonghyun85: I remember you saying I’m different when I’m working … everyone says that

majingki: You are a bit different … you text very differently ^^

realjonghyun85: Right … I’m cuter over text

realjonghyun85: But ah, how would you want me to help you?

realjonghyun85: Do you want to send me your songs, or do you want to meet up?

majingki: If you have time to meet up, I’d like that ^^

majingki: I don’t really have anything I’ve written recorded at a good quality right now…they’re only on my phone

majingki: I would probably need to redo them or just do it live

realjonghyun85: That’ll work well ^^

Realjonghuyn85: My apartment has a small studio, I usually record demos there

Jinki closes his eyes and clutches his phone over his chest — he shouldn’t be so flustered over a text, but Jonghyun is somehow even more magnetic over the phone than he had been in person. Just the thought of seeing him again is enough to make his heart fizzle pleasantly in his chest, and the thought of going to his _apartment_ …

A buzz from his phone jolts him away from that thought, reminding him he still hadn’t bothered to answer.

realjonghyun85: Jinki?

realjonghyun85: Would that be alright?

realjonghyun85: I just figure it might be easier than booking a real studio, and you might be less nervous if it didn’t feel official..

majingki: No no it’s fine hyung ^^ I just got distracted, sorry

majingki: Your studio sounds good — will Monday work for you?

majingki: I don’t have much time left before preparations really pick up

realjonghyun85: Yeah, Monday works ^^

realjonghyun85: The afternoon, right? I can’t do late night meetings unless it’s after 2am

realjonghyun85: And I figure you’ll want your sleep hehe

realjonghyun85: You should be getting it now, too…

majingki: The afternoon is fine for me ^^

majingki: And alright TTT I’ll sleep hyung

majingki: Thank you again for today!! And being so generous with your time~

majingki: Good night!!

realjonghyun85: Good night Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: See you soon!

Jinki wrings his hands in his shirt the moment he sets down his phone. Now he has a reason to be nervous about seeing Jonghyun other than his blooming crush. As much as he’s looking forward to getting help with composition, he’s dreading it too. Jonghyun obviously has a talent for writing music that he doesn’t possess, and the upcoming comeback has meant he’s spent most of his free time resting instead of reworking his few attempts at songwriting.

With a sigh, he scrolls through his phone to find the most recent thing he had recorded. He cringes at the first first line when he presses play, wondering how he had ever managed to be proud of this — every lyric sounds so much more cliché than it had months ago. He can’t imagine showing this to Jonghyun in its current state. Even if the song had been a masterpiece, the poorly balanced audio and the flu he had been recovering from when he recorded it was enough to make it sound like a disaster.

He throws his phone across the bed and burrows himself under the covers. No point in worrying now, when there’s no time to re-record it or write something better. He’ll just have to perform what he has and pray that Jonghyun is nice enough not to laugh in his face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short note...this is the one smutty chapter that'll happen for a long time.

“Jinki-yah,” Jonghyun greets him warmly. “I was really looking forward to seeing you.” **  
**

“Me too,” Jinki agrees. His voice is quiet out of shyness, though there’s no reason for him to be — he knows that Jonghyun wants him, in the way that all dreams have their essential assumptions.

Even without that, he would know from the way Jonghyun is looking at him. His eyes trail up and down Jinki’s torso before reaching out for him, smile soft as he plays with the loose hem of his shirt and the buttons running up to his collar. The door shuts itself behind them when Jonghyun leans in towards him, lips as pink as they had been the day before. The kiss heats his whole body, and the room spins around him, details of the scene blurring as all his subconscious focuses on filling in the sensations. He doesn’t feel the wall against his back, though it keeps him still — all his nerves are concentrated on the body fully pressed against his own and the shift of Jonghyun’s hand over him, broad and firm as it runs down the skin exposed from the opening of his shirt.

“I wanted to have you alone,” Jonghyun murmurs. The pressure of his palm somehow covers Jinki’s whole front, but all he can process is the pressure on the seam of his jeans—

“Jonghyun-ssi,” Jinki gasps.

“I told you to call me hyung.” Jonghyun’s teeth scrape down his neck.

Jinki bucks his hips at the sensation and moans. He wants to find the words to get Jonghyun to do more, but he can’t find his voice, and the small noise he manages is drowned out by a short series of beeps.

The last image he gets is Jonghyun pulling away from him with a frown. “Is that your—”

Jinki’s eyes snap open when his alarm switches from its gentle warning to a loud blare. With an annoyed grunt, Jinki smacks at his phone until the noise stops and clenches the sheets in frustration. His dream had left him throbbing, and he can’t do a thing about it. He doesn’t want to risk losing his claim to the shower, and hogging it first-thing in the morning would lead to an argument for sure.

With a long sigh, Jinki rolls out of bed and drags himself to the bathroom. He tries to avoid thinking about his dream, but his thoughts slip inevitably back to it as he goes through the motions of getting ready. The knowledge that he’s going to Jonghyun’s apartment alone has built up a hopeful buzz in his chest that refuses to leave — he wants to believe that Jonghyun invited him over so easily for a reason.

Hair dry, Jinki returns to his room. His hand halts when he reaches for the clothes he had laid out the night before, a quick flush coming to his cheeks. Somehow, his dream had been detailed enough to put him in exactly the outfit he had planned on wearing, which was as much of a blessing as it was a curse: it had felt wonderfully real while it lasted, but now he can’t shake the feeling it’ll be all he thinks about if he lets himself wear the same clothes.

Jinki tosses the shirt aside and digs through the back of his closet until he finds a simple shirt that scoops wide over his collarbones. He wears the fitted jeans often enough to keep those the same. Stopping at the mirror, Jinki double-checks his improvised outfit after pulling on the new shirt, smiling in satisfaction as he tugs the neckline slightly lower. Though he’d already decided never to let anyone know he’s gay, he has to admit that dressing up to indulge in a crush is fun.

***

Jinki enters Jonghyun’s address in his phone GPS before leaving the dorm building. From the directions he had been given, he knows that Jonghyun’s apartment is in a fairly close district. He doesn’t want to bother with borrowing a manager’s car, and the subway crowd shouldn’t be too risky on a Monday morning: their younger fans should be in school, and their older ones at work. Just in case, he covers himself with a facemask and a beanie before heading out the door.

The subway ride is pleasantly uneventful, and he finds the large apartment complex with ease. Not wanting to get lost on the wrong staircase, Jinki heads to the elevator. His stomach jumps with the brief jolt before it climbs up, kick-starting his thoughts back to the situation ahead. He’d assumed he’d be alone in Jonghyun’s apartment, but after a look at the dressed-up entrance of the building, he has to wonder if he’d been right. For Jonghyun’s apartment to be large enough to fit a mini-studio in such a nice place, he might need roommates.

Jinki scoffs at his own disappointment from the realization. What was he hoping for, really?

 _At least I’ll make a friend, hopefully_. Jinki sighs when the elevator dings open and drags himself down the hall until he finds the number for Jonghyun’s door. Forcing himself to think only of friendship might make him feel less pathetic, but it does nothing to stomp out the butterflies in his stomach — he still has to swallow them back to bring his knuckles up to Jonghyun’s door.

Jinki knocks on the wood with his eyes closed, fighting the urge to turn and leave when he hears nothing. The waiting is worse than the buildup, and he scuffs his feet against the floor to try and work off his nerves. The click of the door unlocking yanks on the knot in his stomach.

“Hello—” Jonghyun stops midway through opening the door.

Jinki tugs down his face mask quickly — he’d forgotten he’s still covered everywhere but his eyes.

“Oh, Jinki-yah. I didn’t recognize you for a second — sorry.” Jonghyun laughs at himself. “You can come on in.”

“Ah, sorry.” Jinki smiles as he follows Jonghyun inside. “Thank you for inviting me over, Jonghyun-ssi— Jonghyun-hyung.”

“Of course. I should have known it was you, but I just froze up when I saw someone with a mask.” He watches as Jinki unbundles himself from his hat and mask. “I guess you have to travel like that to avoid getting recognized, huh? It must get uncomfortable in the summer.”

“It does,” Jinki says. He yanks off his jacket quickly. He already feels too hot, though most of that is nerves. “I don’t mind the hats much, but the masks can get stuffy. It’s troublesome, but still better than being spotted everywhere I go.”

Jonghyun hums in sympathy. “You get noticed that often?”

“It really depends on where I’m going,” Jinki says. He runs a finger through his bangs until they lay flat again. “And people are so used to seeing me dressed up as Onew, you know? If I don’t wear makeup or fitted clothes, they often look right over me.”

“I guess that means you’re Jinki here today, then.”

“Yeah.” Jinki smiles sheepishly. Though he thinks of it that way himself, he feels embarrassed that he made the distinction. He doesn’t want Jonghyun to think he’s pretentious, but it’s hard not to let his first thoughts tumble out unfiltered. Something about the way Jonghyun looks at him with all of his attention makes it too easy to say exactly what he’s thinking — he’ll have to be careful about that.

“So, uh — you wear glasses?” Jinki asks to change the subject away from himself. “I don’t remember you wearing them when we were at the studio.”

“Yeah, I usually do. My vision is actually awful. I just prefer not to wear them for first impressions — I think I look more professional without them.” Jonghyun grins and taps the black frames. “This is more of a casually handsome look.”

Jinki smiles back at him to avoid agreeing aloud. He looks around the apartment to try and find where a studio would fit. “Do you really have a place to do music in here?”

“Yeah, I do. It was originally a second bedroom, but me and my friends added some cheap soundproofing to make it work.” Jonghyun leads him through the living room to the closed door in the corner. “It’s probably a little cramped compared to the studios that you’re used to, but it’s good enough for demos.”

“Can’t be worse than the practice rooms in the basement.”

Jonghyun laughs. “Hopefully they didn’t keep you down there too long.”

“Just a few years, really.” Jinki jokes, pleased with himself. Only a few minutes in, and he’s already making Jonghyun laugh.

He steps into the studio with Jonghyun. The room is small, as Jinki had expected from Jonghyun’s warning, but not quite small enough to feel cramped. A keyboard is tucked comfortably in the corner, and a bass with its amp beside an acoustic guitar on the other end. Posters of various musicians and artists hang between the sound proofing panels and add pops of color on the grey and white walls.

Jonghyun steps past him to the cabinet in the middle of the room, opening it to reveal a receiver before turning back to Jinki. “Well, what do you think? Too small for you to work in?”

“No, not at all.” Jinki says, stepping back towards the keyboard to put some space between them.

“Glad to hear it.”Jonghyun opens the top drawer of a dresser and pulls out a knotted tangle of cords and wires. “If you have the file on your phone, we can play it through the speakers. I have pretty much every kind of hookup.”

“I have it, but it’s pretty low quality. I figured it would be better if I just played it for you.” Jinki rubs the back of his neck, regretting his decision the instant Jonghyun raises his brow in surprise. “I assumed you’d have a keyboard, so…’

“You were right. And you’re welcome to use it.” Jonghyun shuts the receiver door with his hip and gestures to the instrument on the other end of the room. “This means I get to hear you sing again then, huh?”

“I guess so,” Jinki mumbles. He takes the few steps to the piano bench and sits, the back of his neck prickling with an awareness that Jonghyun is watching him. Remembering the lyrics sheet in his pocket, he pulls it out and unfolds it, hands shaking as he places it on the stand.

He’s never shared his compositions. It had seemed like the best way to get close to Jonghyun, since that was his career and his passion — but the gulf between Jonghyun’s songs and his own simple ballad is enough to make him feel like he’ll be wasting both of their time. He sighs to try and relieve his nerves. This is certainly the stupidest thing he’s done for a crush, but he can’t back out now.

Jinki lays his hands over the keys and digs for his resolve. The praise he received for playing piano and singing during his trainee days gives him enough courage to hover over the first note, but he can’t find the courage to press down on the keys.

“Sorry for this,” Jinki apologizes. He pulls his hands back from the keyboard to wipe them on his jeans. “I’m nervous.”

“I understand, it’s scary to share this stuff.” Jonghyun leans over to squeeze Jinki’s shoulder before retreating to the other end of the room. “But I’m sure you’ll play it fine. Just pretend I’m not here — I’ll face the corner so you won’t feel like I’m watching you. ”

“Thanks.” Jinki licks his lips, glancing back to make sure Jonghyun is true to his word. “Should I, um — should I just play the piano part, or do the whole thing?”

“Play it as you want it to be heard.” Jonghyun says. “First impressions always have the most impact, and I want to hear how it all fits together. We can pick it apart later.”

Jinki nods. Taking a deep breath, he forces his posture straight and rests his hands back over the keys of the opening notes. He’s not worried about messing up the piano part, even with his nerves and the slight tremble in his hands. The song is simple enough to play, and he knows it well enough to rely on muscle memory. He only needs to worry whether the song is good.

Jinki hits the first note softly, relaxing at the familiar sound. After a pause, he presses down on the same keys again before flowing into the introduction of the song, letting go of his nerves until he forgets everything but the emotions he had tried to embed in the melody and lyrics. The sadness is easy to get lost in when the begins singing, as his closed eyes play back images of the movie that had inspired him to write the song. Before he realizes it, his fingers are holding down the last keys and the ending note is fading through the speakers.

At the sound of clapping, Jinki snaps his hands away from the keyboard. Ears pink, he looks over his shoulder at Jonghyun. “Hyung, you don’t need to do that. You’re embarrassing me.”

“Sorry,” Jonghyun says, though his smile is entirely unapologetic. He gestures for Jinki to make room for him and joins him on the piano bench, saying nothing when he leans towards the lyrics resting on the stand in front of them.

As Jonghyun reads, Jinki straightens his back, even more self-conscious than he had been before he played. The silence is dizzying, and Jonghyun seems to have forgotten the concept of personal space — though the bench is easily large enough to fit two, his knee presses against Jinki’s own, a firm and quiet reminder of his presence that makes the room shrink and blur at the edges of Jinki’s vision.

He wrings his fingers, trying not to think of the fact that they’re alone in Jonghyun’s apartment. Nothing’s going to happen, he’s sure, but his imagination is already spinning from the combination of Jonghyun’s proximity and the lingering memories of his dream. And if Jonghyun plays some of the song with him, their hands might brush — and Jonghyun might turn to him then, lips parted just slightly around a word, which would make it so easy for Jinki to just lean in and —

“I really like these lyrics,” Jonghyun taps against the paper and snaps Jinki out of his daze. “You like to write tragedies, huh?”

“I haven’t really written enough to say what I like. But it felt natural to have this kind of song with just vocals and the piano.”

“I think it suits it too,” Jonghyun agrees. “Your voice suits the piano really well. It was a good choice. Does the recording on your phone have any other instruments on it?”

“No, I don’t really play anything else,” Jinki admits.

“Some ballads work better with just piano, no shame in that.” Jonghyun shrugs. “This would be one of them, in my opinion. But anyway, about the lyrics…” He grins and adjusts the wrinkled sheet in front of them. “I’m curious about your inspiration. There were so many layers about secrecy in it.”

Jinki flushes. He remembers vividly when he had written the first version of the lyrics, but he can’t admit what inspired him — the movie he had based it on was a foreign film about a gay couple. He couldn’t even bring himself to watch it until he was certain the members were asleep, and the door to his bedroom locked.  The men in the film had to hide their relationship, just as Jinki had to hide the fact that he had watched the movie. His chest had felt like it was going to burst from all that he was hiding, and he had leaped for the first piece of paper he could find to pour out the lyrics in the dim light of the ending credits.

Jonghyun clears his throat, breaking the silence. “If you don’t want to share, that’s alright. I understand songs can be personal.”

“No, um — sorry,” Jinki stumbles over his words. “It was inspired by a movie, it’s not really personal. I can’t even remember which one it was now,” he lies. “I can’t write about my own life as much as the ones I hear about or imagine, I guess.”

“I can get that. I’m usually the same way,” Jonghyun says. “Though sometimes I’m inspired from the things in my life.”

Jinki stares back at the keyboard. He files mentally through the songs he knows Jonghyun has written, trying to guess which might be personal and which might be inspired by other things. He can’t imagine how he’d guess which was which.

“Is this the first song you’ve written, Jinki?”

“Not entirely…I’ve written a few pieces of things here and there, though nothing really complete,” Jinki says. “Though this is the first finished thing I’ve shared.”

“Wow.” Jonghyun holds a hand over his chest. “I’m honored.”

“It’s not a big deal…” Jinki mumbles.

“I think it is, really.” Jonghyun pushes his tongue against his cheek as he trails a finger down the lyrics again. “Do you mind playing it again, without singing this time? I want to hear the piano part on its own.”

“Sure, hyung.” Jinki places his hands back in position, eager to have something to do other than wait. He needs something to take his mind away from Jonghyun’s mouth.

“I want to hear your voice after this. That’s probably my favorite part.”

Jinki’s finger slips from the first key, sending a hot flush runs up his neck. “Thanks, hyung — but let me do this first?”

“Right, sorry.” Jonghyun gives him a lopsided smile in apology. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. You go ahead.”

***

Jinki returns to his room with a wide smile and shuts the door behind him. The hug he got when he left Jonghyun’s place kept him giddy the whole ride back, and he swears there’s still a bit of Jonghyun’s cologne lingering on his jacket.

Already sure he’ll be unable to sleep, he plugs in his headphones and opens his laptop to Jonghyun’s radio station when he lays on the bed. He hums along to Blue Night’s intro music, wondering if Jonghyun is doing the same. He’s probably wearing the same outfit from earlier — a simple t-shirt and glasses that he tapped every time he made a suggestion — so it’s easy to imagine. Jinki swallows. He had memorized the habit too well, mostly because each time Jonghyun had fiddled with the frames, he also ran a tongue along his lips. It was distracting enough that Jinki had stared, and he had done it enough times for Jonghyun to notice — but thankfully, he’d only thought Jinki was weirded out by the habit.

Jinki bites his lip. He shouldn’t be thinking about that again, but there’s no way for Jonghyun to know that he’s lingering on the image hours later. It’s all too easy to mix it with the sound of his voice on the broadcast and picture Jonghyun next to him, this time with wettened lips and a wanting look. He sucks in a harsh breath. A soft wave of heat pools in his stomach that makes him reach into his jeans on impulse.

He closes his eyes and tunes out the meaning of the words Jonghyun speaks to concentrate on the sounds. Jonghyun’s voice dips, and he tightens his hand, imagining that the drop in pitch comes with a whisper in his ear. The soft breath that falls into the microphone is against his neck, and travels down to his chest, until Jonghyun is kissing over his stomach with each word.

“Fuck,” Jinki swears, bucking into his hand when he reaches the image of Jonghyun’s head between his legs. He strokes himself faster, too caught up in Jonghyun’s voice and his own imagination to bother holding back. He has time to imagine more during the next song, and the long sigh that Jonghyun returns with is enough to push him over the edge — Jinki listens intently to the assurances Jonghyun gives his listeners, pretending the gentle encouragement is Jonghyun urging him to finish in his hand. With a gasp, Jinki comes over his stomach, lip catching between his teeth as he jerks himself through the last waves.

Panting, he pulls his shirt up to relieve the flush over his chest just as Jonghyun’s show cuts back to a song. The music jolts him out of his post-orgasm daze. He yanks out several tissues from the box by his bed to clean himself in a rush.

When Jonghyun’s voice returns, he stares at his laptop, shame and embarrassment mixing in his stomach until he pushes down the screen. Though he’s sure someone else has done the same before — he’d heard enough listeners mention the husky quality to Jonghyun’s voice to know he isn’t the only one who finds it sensual — but they probably don’t know Jonghyun personally like he does.

***

realjonghyun85: Hey Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: Are you busy?

realjonghyun85: I have a question … I’d like your input

majingki: Oh? ^^

majingki: What is it hyung?

realjonghyun85: Well … usually, I hint about whoever I’m writing for next by posting something on twitter

realjonghyun85: Like a picture of me streaming their songs, or some kind of riddle

realjonghyun85: Do you think I’ll get in trouble if I do that for your group?

realjonghyun85: I want to ask, since it’s my first time working with SM…

majingki: Ah, that’s cute!

majingki: I don’t think our managers would mind hehe

majingki: It’s free promotion, isn’t it?

majingki: I can ask too if you want to be sure

realjonghyun85: No, asking is too much trouble…

majingki: Just go for it then ^^

realjonghyun85: I will then!! With your permission!!!

realjonghyun85: I’ll blame you if anything goes badly hehe

majingki: Thanks hyung TTT

realjonghyun85: I wouldn’t really do that, I’m just teasing

realjonghyun85: Anyway….

realjonghyun85: This leads me to another question…

realjonghyun85: Which song should I stream for the picture?

realjonghyun85: Your group has so many good ones~

majingki: Mm, do we really? ^^

majingki: You’re not just saying that because you were paid well?

realjonghyun85: Money has nothing to do with my opinion here!

realjonghyun85: I wanted to work with your group because your old songs were so good

majingki: Thank you TTT

realjonghyun85: I like that song that’s just you too

realjonghyun85: And the one you did with Jino…

realjonghyun85: But I can’t use those, since I wrote for the whole group … what do you think?

majingki: Hmm

majingki: Does it matter that much?

majingki: If it’s just about teasing who the artist will be…

realjonghyun85: I guess it doesn’t…

realjonghyun85: But I want people to know I have good taste

realjonghyun85: And now I’m curious what your favorite songs are

realjonghyun85: Though I’m sure you get asked that a lot…

majingki: Not really hehe

majingki: Though it’s easy for me to pick ^^

realjonghyun85: Is it?

majingki: Yeah ^^

majingki: I like the songs you wrote the most hyung

majingki: Though I guess you can’t post those yet, can you

realjonghyun85: You’re still a flatterer aren’t you Jinki-yah

majingki: Maybe~

realjonghyun85: I’ll be more clear then…

realjonghyun85: Tell me your favorites of the songs you’ve already released

majingki: Hmm

majingki: I really don’t know TTT

majingki It’s hard to pick

realjonghyun85: How about we just do Replay then?

realjonghyun85: It’s iconic right

realjonghyun85: One of my favorite debut songs…

majingki: It’s still one of my favorites too ^^

majingki: I’m happy we got such a good song to start with

realjonghyun85: Your group was lucky hehe

realjonghyun85: It’s already stuck in my head…

realjonghyun85: I’m going to watch the MV now

majingki: Ah…

majingki: Wait TTT

majingki: Can’t you just stream it?

majingki: The MV is so embarrassing now … please hyung

majingki: Don’t use pictures from back then…

realjonghyun85: You’re not here, you can’t stop me ^^

majingki: Just give me a minute, I know where you live

realjonghyun85: Too late, I’m already playing it

realjonghyun85: I wish this came in HQ…it’s that old hehe

realjonghyun85: This feels like so long ago, wow

majingki: Hyung TTT Please…

realjonghyun85: Oh!! Here’s your part!!

realjonghyun85: The MVP line…

realjonghyun85: I never realized you made the letters for that with your hand

realjonghyun85: That’s so cute hehe

majingki: HYUNG TTT

realjonghyun85: Don’t be embarrassed

realjonghyun85: Like I said, it was a great song

realjonghyun85: Especially with you all debuting so young!!

realjonghyun85: You were all babies back then, really

majingki: …Are you complimenting me or teasing me TTT

Realjjonghyun85: Both? ^^

realjonghyun85: Don’t worry, I’ll only upload a picture of me streaming the song

realjonghyun85: I wouldn’t want you to feel too embarrassed…

majingki: Good

majingki: We were all so awkward then…

realjonghyun85: You weren’t that bad hehe

realjonghyun85: Okay! ^^ I’ve posted it~

realjonghyun85: I wish you could favorite it, but that would make things too obvious…

realjonghyun85: Maybe I could follow you, though?

majingki: I don’t have an account

realjonghyun85: Ah, really?

majingki: Nope ^^; Sorry hyung

realjonghyun85: You don’t need to apologize!

realjonghyun85; I was just asking

realjonghyun85: I can imagine why you wouldn’t want SNS, especially a public one…

majingki: It’s not even that I don’t want one strongly

majingki: I’ve just never thought about it … too busy with other things

majingki: Should I make one?

realjonghyun85: Yes!!

realjonghyun85: If you want to, I mean

realjonghyun85: It’s not like you would have to use it anyway

realjonghyun85: And you can always make it private too

realjonghyun85: Just be sure to follow me and let me see it~ hehe

majingki: Okay hyung ^^

majingki: I’ll make one right now

realjonghyun85: Ah, really??

realjonghyun85: I have such an influence

majingki: Yes hehe

majingki: I just followed you~

realjonghyun85: You’re fast!!

realjonghyun85: Wait, is this you?

realjonghyun85: …skehehdanfdkldi??

realjonghyun85: What kind of name is that….

majingki: Try typing it in hyung~

realjonghyun85: “I am an animal too?”

majingki: Yup ^^

realjonghyun85: Wow

realjonghyun85: You’re clever Jinki-yah

majingki: Yeah? ^^

realjonghyun85: But you know

realjonghyun85: That sounds kind of…interesting

majingki: You have a dirty mind hyung

realjonghyun85: Is that really a surprise? Hehe

realjonghyun85: You’ve heard my lyrics already

majingki: I have … I like them too ^^

majingki: I’ve been hoping we’ll get a song like this for a while

realjonghyun85: Yeah?

realjonghyun85: Excited to try a different image?

majingki: A little … gentleness doesn’t always suit me

realjonghyun85: Hehehe….you’re making me think of worse things Jinki-yah

majingki: Well, you said I could speak freely

realjonghyun85: I know, and I meant it!

realjonghyun85: But I don’t know if I can resist more dirty jokes… I tend to make them a lot

realjonghyun85: Will you still respect me?

majingki: Of course ^^

majingki: I’m looking forward to it … the real Jonghyun-hyung

majingki: Filled with dirty thoughts

realjonghyun85: Jokes!! Not thoughts!!

realjonghyun85: …But I guess I’m an animal too hehe

majingki: Guess so ^^

majingki: I should leave you to that TTT

majingki: Manager is telling me to sleep… I forgot we had a schedule in the morning

realjonghyun85: Ah, it’s late isn’t it?

realjonghyun85: You sleep then~

realjonghyun85: We’ll talk more later

majingki: Think we can meet soon to finish that song?

realjonghyun85: Of course!

realjonghyun85: If you still want to

realjonghyun85: Just let me know when you’re free and rested enough

realjonghyun85: You have the crazier schedule hehe

majingki: I want to work on it ^^

majingki: I’ll message you soon hyung

realjonghyun85: I’ll look forward to it

majingki: Good night!

majingki: Enjoy your dirty jokes and not-dirty thoughts ^^

realjonghyun85: You’re too cheeky hehe

realjonghyun85: But I’ll enjoy them well~

realjonghyun85: Night Jinki-yah

***

Jinki doesn’t worry about forcing things to go smoothly the next time he visits Jonghyun. There’s no wet dream from the night before lingering in his consciousness, and he already knows to expect the way Jonghyun leans towards him to share headphones or read off a music sheet. It still makes his skin tingle with pleasant goosebumps, but he’s gotten good at brushing off any flustered reactions with jokes quick enough that he’s certain Jonghyun doesn’t suspect a thing.

A part of him still wishes the invite to come over had been for something more exciting than songwriting, but he’s still happy that he’s managed to turn his fumbling attraction into a genuine friendship.

Not that a friendship means he’ll stop looking — he can’t help that, especially when working with Jonghyun leaves plenty of time for it. The silences as Jonghyun scratches out an old line of lyrics to ponder over something new have become Jinki’s favorite moments: he doesn’t have to worry about coming up with something to say or stumbling over his words, and Jonghyun’s lips look even fuller when he alternates between chewing on his pen and pouting down at the paper. Catching himself staring again, Jinki looks back at the paper just in time to avoid eye contact.

“Would you want delivery for dinner, Jinki?” Jonghyun asks as he rests his chin in his palm. “It’d be my treat again, of course. I don’t really have enough food here to cook anything, and it’s a little late to start even if I did…”

Jinki smiles. “Delivery is fine with me.”

“Let’s order now, then. I feel like if we keep working, we’ll forget to eat.” Jonghyun stands and leaves for the kitchen, gesturing for Jinki to follow. He opens a drawer under the counter to reveal a massive stack of delivery menus. “You want some kind of meat, I’m guessing? Kibum said you always want to when you have the chance.”

Jinki smiles, pleased that Jonghyun had remembered. “I’m really fine with anything. I’m not often on this side of town, so you can decide.”

“Alright. No complaining about the place I picked, then.” Jonghyun files quickly through the pile, then pulls out a well-worn menu and hands it to Jinki. “Choose any dish you like from here. I already know what I want.”

“Okay.” Jinki scans over it quickly. “I’ll just get the soup, I’m not that hungry.”

“Good choice.” Jonghyun smiles at him. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and taps at the screen, lighting it up to reveal a picture of a girl around Jonghyun’s age smiling goofily at the camera.

Jinki’s stomach sinks. Of course Jonghyun would have a girlfriend. Why had he been expecting anything else? It shouldn’t bother him, when he’d already resigned himself to having a hopeless crush — but his chest still clenches tight enough at the new revelation that he feels compelled to pry.

Jinki leans over Jonghyun’s shoulder to peer at his phone. “Is that your girlfriend, hyung?”

“No, she’s not.” Jonghyun laughs. “I don’t have a girlfriend — this is my sister. She’s pretty, isn’t she?”

“Ah, yeah. She’s really cute.” Jinki smiles broadly with relief.

Jonghyun narrows his eyes suspiciously, tilting his phone away from view before unlocking it to reveal another picture of his sister. “Well, I’m glad you think so. But I won’t let you meet her unless I’m sure you’re perfect, so be careful with that smile.”

“Oh, that’s fine.” Jinki rests back against the counter on his elbows. When Jonghyun looks him up and down, still skeptical, Jinki snickers, unable to help his amusement. “Really, I’m not interested in dating anyone. I’m too busy.”

“Sounds like we can stay on good terms, then.” Jonghyun grins at him. Glancing down at the menu sheet, he taps the number into his phone and steps into the living room to order. With nothing else to do, Jinki follows him.

“Did you want to work anymore while we wait?” Jinki asks.

“Not really…I feel like we did enough today.” Jonghyun laughs softly. “I love music, but I’m a little tired of it for now. I have other songs I have to work on later, too.” When Jinki nods, Jonghyun steps back to the couch and flips on the small TV in the center of the room before stretching out his arm to pass the remote to Jinki. “You can pick.”

“Ah, thanks.” Jinki ignores the buzz in his fingers and flips through channels to search for the least romantic show he can find, settling on a documentary about the influence of politics on medicine. He joins Jonghyun on the other end of the couch, glancing over to see that he’s already absorbed in the program. After a few minutes with nothing but the documentary narrator’s voice between them, a weather alert buzzes over the program and is followed by a sharp clap of thunder.

“Ah, really?” Jonghyun groans. “I hope the weather doesn’t make the food late. Now that I know we have food coming, I’m starving…” He stands and drags himself over to the window, opening the blinds to look outside before returning to a set of shelves by the TV. “I can try and find something on DVD we can watch to pass the time, since it looks like this weather report will go on a while.” He gestures to a small stack of movies. “Anything here you’d want to see?”

Jinki squints at the titles. “Not really. I’m not the type to watch movies usually…” He shifts his focus away from the small collection to the rest of the bookshelf, eyes widening as he realizes that the books are double-stacked to fit even more. He crouches down to look at the lowest shelves. “Have you already read all of these?”

“Most of them, yeah,” Jonghyun says proudly. He stands on his toes to tap at the highest shelf. “This top row is all the books I still have to read. My mom used to give me money for every book I finished, so I’m always picking up new ones out of habit…” he tucks his hands in his pockets and smiles fondly. “I read a lot more nonfiction now than I did back then, but I still read fiction sometimes. It can be good inspiration for songwriting.”

“I read a bit of both too.” Spotting a familiar title, Jinki pulls it off the top shelf. “I actually have this one. I’ve been meaning to read it, but I’ve been too busy lately…hopefully I’ll get to start soon.”

“I haven’t read it yet either,” Jonghyun says. “Should we read it together?”

Jinki blinks. “…Together?”

“At the same time, I mean — not out loud like kids or something.” Jonghyun scuffs a socked foot against the floor and purses his lips. “I don’t get to talk about books much, so I thought it might be fun…”

Jinki stares, letting the silence hang after Jonghyun trails off. It’s the first time he’s seen Jonghyun embarrassed, and he has to admit he enjoys it — whether Jonghyun had noticed him getting flustered or not, it felt good to reverse their roles. “So, like a book club?”

“Something like that, yeah,” Jonghyun mumbles. “Is that too silly?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Jinki passes the book back to Jonghyun with a grin. “That sounds fun. We can alternate on who picks. Maybe do a book or two a month?”

“Isn’t that too much with your schedule? I don’t want you to lose sleep or practice to keep up with me,” Jonghyun says. “I read pretty fast.”

Jinki raises an eyebrow at Jonghyun in challenge. “I read fast too, though.”

“Then I hope you can keep up.” Jonghyun crosses his arms. “I definitely have the advantage of more free time.”

Instead of responding, Jinki bumps Jonghyun with his shoulder. Jonghyun’s eyes crinkle in amusement when he looks up at Jinki before throwing an arm around his neck and pulling him down to ruffle his hair. “Trying to bully me out of winning, huh? Just because you’re taller?”

The flit of Jonghyun’s fingers through his hair sends Jinki’s pulse surging through his heart. Laughing nervously, he twists his body away to try and find an escape without having to grab Jonghyun back. “I didn’t say anything about your height, hyung — and you’re bullying me.”

“Only because you started it,” Jonghyun quips, ignoring Jinki’s protests as he reaches out to muss his bangs.

Realizing Jonghyun isn’t going to stop, Jinki steels himself and grabs Jonghyun’s hands to pry them away. He shakes his bangs out of his eyes and freezes, caught off guard when he realizes Jonghyun’s face is only inches away from his own.

When had he gotten that close?

The back of his neck tingles when Jonghyun stares back at him, smile disappearing slowly as the air between them goes warm.

A sudden ring from the doorbell startles them both. When Jonghyun jumps back, Jinki covers his cheeks with his hands and gives a soft smile. “Guess the food’s here.”

“Finally, yeah,” Jonghyun agrees. He rubs at the back of his neck, looking lost as he glances between Jinki and the door. “You can settle in on the couch or something, I’ll grab it for us.”

“Thanks.” Jinki swallows around the lump in his throat.

***

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: Did you want to hang out again this week?

realjonghyun85: I heard you’ll be busy soon with promotions…

majingki: Yeah TTT

majingki: I will be … practice is ramping up again

majingki: But I have time to hang out tomorrow if you want

realjonghyun85: Good!! We can meet then!

realjonghyun85: You need to have some fun before you start work again, right?

realjonghyun85: Should we go out to eat? ^^

realjonghyun85: I realize we’ve spent all our meetups in my little studio … we should do something else

majingki: You’re too nice hyung TTT Looking out for me

realjonghyun85: It’s not a big deal, really

majingki: It means a lot to me

majingki: Buying me meals and helping me with songwriting…

majingki: I owe you a lot already

realjonghyun85: No you don’t~

realjonghyun85: It’s fun just meeting up and helping my cute dongsaeng hehe

realjonghyun85: Plus, I finally have someone to read with!

realjonghyun85: You don’t owe me a thing, we’re friends ^^

majingki: What if I want to do something, hyung

majingki: There has to be something I can do…

Reajonghyun85: Well, I’m not letting you buy me anything

realjonghyun85: Maybe you could teach me something? Or show me something cool?

realjonghyun85: I’m sure you have connections and other talents hehe

realjonghyun85: As long as it’s not dancing … don’t even suggest that

realjonghyun85: I’m the worst at it…

majingki: Really?

majingki: Now I’m curious

majingki: You have to show me sometime ^^

majingki: I can teach you lucifer so we can assess your skills

realjonghyun85: You’ve shown me enough of it already for me to be afraid

realjonghyun85: But really, I’m never going to be able to dance … it’s a lost cause

realjonghyun85: Find something else

majingki: Fine TTT I will

majingki: Hmm…

majingki: How about billiards?

majingki: I’ve been playing a lot of it recently … I’ve gotten pretty good ^^

majingki: You said on Blue Night that you’re bad at it, didn’t you?

realjonghyun85: So rude … hmph

realjonghyun85: I’m happy you’re still listening, though

realjonghyun85: I did say that…

realjonghyun85: Learning to play that better might be fun

majingki: Let’s do it then ^^

realjonghyun85: Where do you usually play? You don’t have a table in your dorm, do you?

majingki: I wish hehe

majingki: There’s a bar I usually play at … we can go there

realjonghyun85: Eh … a bar?!

realjonghyun85: Does SHINee’s Onew really go to those kinds of places?

realjonghyun85: I’m shocked … such  scandal!!

realjonghyun85: Are boys finally becoming men?

majingki: I’m the oldest in my group hyung TTT

majingki: I’ve been able to drink for a year now…

realjonghyun85: I know hehe

realjonghyun85: I’m only teasing~

realjonghyun85: I have to warn you though, since we’re going to a bar

realjonghyun85: I’m not much of a drinker

realjonghyun85: It only takes a few and I’m out

majingki: Really? Hehe

majingki: That will make it more fun, won’t it? ^^

realjonghyun85: Maybe for you … you seem like you drink well

majingki: I won’t say ^^

majingki: You’ll have to find out on your own, hyung~

realjonghyun85: Now I’m definitely afraid … what will my wallet look like by the end of the night TTT

majingki: Maybe a little lighter… ^^

realjonghyun85: Sigh … that’s okay though…

realjonghyun85: Just get your company to buy more of my songs

realjonghyun85: That’ll make up for any money you drink through hehe

majingki: I’ll work on it ^^

majingki: I want to work with you again anyway!

realjonghyun85: Of course, I’m good right…

majingki: You are hyung! The best

realjonghyun85: Stop flattering me hehe

realjonghyun85: I plan on buying you drinks either way, you know that

majingki: I know ^^

majingki: I just want to compliment you

realjonghyun85: Mm … you’re giving me a big ego

majingki: I know~

majingki: But you’ll need it for after we play billiards ^^

realjonghyun85: Eh?!

realjonghyun85: Is that a challenge?!

realjonghyun85: With such an innocent face too, huh…

realjonghyun85: And I thought you were supposed to be teaching me

majingki: ^^;

majingki: Sorry hyung

majingki: I’ll be gentle

realjonghyun85: You make me sound so inexperienced hehe

realjonghyun85: But I’m really not~

realjonghyun85: It’s fine if you play with me normally, you know

realjonghyun85: As long as we have fun

majingki: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure we will ^^

realjonghyun85: …I can’t tell if you’re going along with my jokes, or if you’re just that innocent

majingki: Which do you think it is? ^^

realjonghyun85: Onew is innocent … but Jinki isn’t, is he?

majingki: I’d agree with that hehe

realjonghyun85: Well, I look forward to drinking with Jinki then

majingki: I look forward to drinking with you as Jinki ^^

majingki: So tomorrow, then?

realjonghyun85: Yeah

realjonghyun85: Send me the address for that bar later, we can meet there once I’m off work

majingki: Ok, I will ^^

majingki: See you then, hyung! I have to get back to practice now

realjonghyun85: Alright~

realjonghyun85: Work hard, but leave some energy for fun tomorrow! ^^

***

Jinki had decided not to give Jonghyun any help for their first game of billiards. Though Jonghyun had already said he was awful at the game, Jinki wanted to see how he was before giving any tips — but now he wonders if that was a mistake. Only a few turns in, and the game is irreversibly unbalanced: Jinki is just one striped ball away from working on the eight ball, and Jonghyun still has yet to knock even a single ball in.

While Jonghyun circles the pool table in frustration as he looks for his next move, Jinki bites his lip, not minding the wait. Jinki hadn’t thought of it when he’d suggested billiards, but the bending over required to make every shot is an aspect of the game he’s enjoying too much — especially since the white jeans Jonghyun is wearing fit tight over his thighs.

“Why are you watching me like that?” Jonghyun halts suddenly, turning to pout at Jinki. “Am I doing something stupid again?”

“You’re not, hyung.” Jinki smiles with as much innocence as he can manage after staring. “But if you were, I wouldn’t tell you. Like I said, I want to see how you play on your own first.”

Jonghyun scoffs, adjusting his glasses to stare back at billiards table. “I wish you wouldn’t, it makes me nervous when you keep looking at me… I’m not usually _this_ bad.” Dragging himself to the other end of the table, he closes one eye to lean down and scope out a long shot into the pocket on the other end. When he snaps the cue forward, the tip hits the cue ball just off-center, sending it careening to every end of the table until it stops uselessly in the middle.

Jonghyun swears under his breath. “Well, I messed that shot up.”

“Just a little bit,” Jinki says. He pats Jonghyun’s shoulder as he walks by to take his shot. “You could have gone for a better move. See these?” he points to the small cluster of solid balls left near the hole. “You could have knocked into one of these to push it into the other. That would have been easier than a long shot. If you plan it right, you can get pretty much anything in that way.”

“Maybe you can do that, but it’s unpredictable to me.”

“It’s not that hard,” Jinki says. “There’s rules to it, you just need to learn them.”

“I guess that makes sense.” Jonghyun makes his way over to Jinki with his drink in hand. “Teach me, then.”

Jinki nods and pulls out his phone, excited to teach Jonghyun something. He scrolls through his bookmarks as he begins to explain. “There’s a site that has diagrams for a lot of common shots and explains how they work. You can read a bit, if you like.”

When Jinki holds out his phone, Jonghyun leans forward to squint at the text, expression getting increasingly puzzled as he scrolls down the page. “…Velocity? Wait — is this physics?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Jinki mumbles. “I mean, when you think about it, billiards is all about that…it’s kind of interesting, isn’t it?”

“Interesting, maybe. But there’s no way I’ll ever get that stuff,” Jonghyun steps back from Jinki’s phone as if it has insulted him. “That was my worst subject back in highschool…I think I’ll just suck at billiards forever.”

Jinki grins, unable to resist the urge to poke at a sore spot. “C’mon, hyung — I can tutor you in physics without all the technical terms, just enough for you to get better at billiards. And you can help me learn more about composition. It’s fair trade.”

“Not fair at all,” Jonghyun protests, gritting his teeth as he grinds the small cube of chalk against the tip of his cue. “You _want_ to learn songwriting. I don’t want to learn anything about billiards if it involves anything from school. I don’t ever want to hear about velocity or angles again — if anything, you owe me more now for making me remember it.”

“Sorry.” Jinki says, not meaning it at all. He nudges Jonghyun with his elbow. “I’ll try and help you hone your instincts, then. We can look at it that way.”

“That sounds much better.” Jonghyun nods, satisfied. “It’ll be easier for you to just show me how to do things instead of telling me, anyway — I’m more of a hands-on learner.” He gives a short wink.

Jinki reaches for his drink, needing to swallow back the first response that pops into his mind — he might be able to join in on Jonghyun’s dirty jokes and flirting over text, but he’s not sure he can pull it off in person without his ears turning read. Setting his glass back down, he clears his throat. “Alright, I’ll just show you things then. But we should finish this game first. I need to see what level of skill I’m working with.”

“Don’t you already know?” Jonghyun rolls his eyes. “You’re just going to brag about this later, I can tell…”

“I don’t need to brag.” Jinki grabs his cue and strides back towards the table. “We can keep it a secret that you lost so badly.”

“Please do.” Jonghyun watches uneasily as Jinki leans down over the table, frown deepening as he gets ready to make his next shot. “You’re going to knock it right in, aren’t you? No mercy for your hyung?”

“Not this round, sorry.” Jinki pulls back his elbow after he’s certain he’s aligned his shot. With a crisp snap, the tip of his cue knocks into the cue ball and drives the last striped one cleanly into the pocket.

When Jinki leans back with a triumphant grin, Jonghyun reaches straight for his drink and downs the rest of the cocktail in a single gulp. “You’re too good at this, you know. Someone should limit your talents.”

“I know.” Jinki smirks, pleased to show off. “I’ll give up my next shot for you, since it won’t make a difference anyway.” He pats Jonghyun’s shoulder before stepping back. “Your turn now, hyung.”

“We might as well end it at this point,” Jonghyun mutters, but picks up his cue anyway. He trudges over to the side of the table where the cue ball had come to a stop. “Though I’ll feel a little less pathetic if I can get at least one in.”

When Jonghyun begins to line up his next shot with his cue directly, Jinki covers his mouth, not trusting himself to keep from laughing. Teeth sinking into his bottom lip, Jonghyun furrows his brows and squints at the table, eyes bouncing around the pockets as he tries to scope out the best one for his shot.

“Jinki-yah! I can tell you’re laughing.” Jonghyun stands up straight to glare at him. When Jinki gives him an innocent smile in return, Jonghyun scowls and leans his cue against the table before stomping over to grab Jinki by the wrist. “Instead of laughing at me, just come over here and show me how to shoot.”

Jinki barely has time to set down his drink before Jonghyun drags him off with enough force to make him stumble, and by the time he has his balance back, he’s just managed to process the fact that Jonghyun’s hand is on him. The grip on his wrist is tight enough that Jinki worries Jonghyun can feel the loud and nervous thrum of his pulse. His skin stays warm even after Jonghyun finally releases him to point at the table.

“So, since you’re the billiards expert — what do you think I should aim for?” Jonghyun asks. “I know you thought me hitting that green ball would be stupid, so just tell me what to do.”

Jinki smiles stupidly, buying his time with a forced laugh as he waits for his mind to catch up with him. He’d thought he was used to the level of skinship Jonghyun favors, but he realizes now he’d overestimated himself — alcohol definitely makes a difference in Jonghyun’s touchiness.

When his mouth is finally ready to cooperate with words, Jinki points to the other end of the billiards table to direct Jonghyun’s attention to the cue ball. “It’s not that it was an awful shot. You just forgot you have to hit the white ball into the other ball. You were trying to hit your ball directly.”

“…Oh.” Jonghyun blinks at the table. He reaches back for Jinki’s arm, steadying himself with it as he traces his thumb absently over his wrist. “I think I’ve had more to drink than I thought.”

“I guess so,” Jinki agrees, trying not to sound flustered. “Is two cocktails a lot for you?”

“I’ve had that many?” Jonghyun’s eyes widen when he looks back to his empty glasses. “No wonder I’m losing so badly.”

Jinki laughs. Somehow, he hadn’t noticed the flush that had taken over Jonghyun’s face and neck till now. “You really don’t drink well, do you?”

“No, not usually.” Jonghyun snickers, knocking his glasses askew when he tries to hide his grin behind his palm. “I actually haven’t had this much for a while…but I wanted to keep up with you, since it’s our first time drinking.” He swings an arm around Jinki and uses the momentum to spin in closer, sticking his lips out in mock-seriousness when he’s just in front of Jinki’s face. “I want to be a good hyung to you.”

Jinki’s heart stops. His own tipsiness keeps him from answering quickly, and removes his inhibitions enough that he steals a quick glance at Jonghyun’s lips. He hopes Jonghyun doesn’t notice. “You’re a great hyung to me, you don’t need to worry. Even if you can’t keep up with my drinking.”

Jonghyun beams at the praise. He squeezes Jinki’s arm tight, then turns away with the pool cue in hand, leaning on it for support as he tries to lift himself onto the nearest bar stool. “Let’s sit for a bit actually. I’m too dizzy to play, now that I know how much I’ve had…”

“You want me to help you up?” Jinki watches warily as the stool teeters against the bar floor, almost threatening to tip over. “That’s pretty high up for how drunk you are.”

“Very funny, Jinki-yah.” Jonghyun glares at him after finally settling into the seat. “I was waiting for the height comments. But you don’t get to make them… you have no right. I know they added a few centimeters to your profile height.”

Jinki grins when he joins Jonghyun at the table. “Did you read those to learn about us?”

“I like to do my research before I work with an artist.” Jonghyun shrugs. “Is any of the stuff in those profiles true, though?”

“Some of it, I think. I haven’t really looked at them since we debuted. I know my blood type is right, but I don’t speak Chinese at all.”

“You don’t? I know that was on there…”

“I mean, I can ask for bus tickets. But that’s about it.” Jinki sighs. “I’m pretty bad with languages…our Japanese debut is going to be terrible.”

Jonghyun waves his hand. “Don’t worry about that — one thing at a time. You have your album promotions to worry about now. Just focus on that.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Jinki smiles slowly. “It’ll be exhausting, but I’m kind of looking forward to being on stage again.”

“And I’m excited for my royalties,” Jonghyun jokes. “You’ll be too busy to hang out with anyone much during promotions, I’m guessing?”

“Way too busy,” Jinki sighs. “Especially since we have a repackage planned, too.”

“Damn.” Jonghyun frowns. “I guess we’ll be stuck with our book club then…assuming you’ll even have time to read.”

“I’ll make time. I usually read in dressing rooms and on trips, anyway.” Jinki reaches across the table to pat Jonghyun’s shoulder. “I won’t disappear completely, hyung. You can always text me.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Jonghyun chews on his lip and traces a finger along the condensation of his glass. “If I sound like I’ll miss you, it’s only because I’m drunk…”

Jinki flushes and looks down at the table as he fumbles for something to say. He hadn’t realized Jonghyun had gotten that attached. He turns over his upcoming schedules in his head, reaching for the first thing he can think to invite Jonghyun to that won’t involve the members.

“You can come to my musical, if you want,” Jinki offers. “I’m not sure I can get you tickets for free, and it’s a while off. But I can probably get you backstage to that easier than I could to a broadcasting station.”

“I’ll go, trust me.” Jonghyun leans in, raising one eyebrow as he gives Jinki a lopsided grin. “I want to see you perform — and however expensive this musical is, it has to be cheaper than buying you drinks.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this follows jinki through lucifer promotions and is more of the slow burn 8) and for the chat part…[this is the day and outfit jong is referencing.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FM-tJ22wnU)
> 
> thanks as always yurilikesgirls and jongyued for all their help!
> 
> slight warning for brief homophobia/relateable closeted gay feels

“Hyung, get off of your phone,” Minho whines. “Don’t you want to listen to the game?”

Jinki ignores him and lifts up his book. His phone is still tucked between the open pages of the trot history book, but hopefully pretending to read would keep Minho from bothering him. He didn’t know that Jinki had already finished the book last week, and only kept it on him for his discussions with Jonghyun. For every chapter, Jonghyun had been sending him commentary: stories of all the artists he remembers playing from his mother’s cassettes at the record shop she had used to own, nostalgia for the genre’s simple two-beat rhythm, and requests for Jinki to sing him one song or another the next time they meet. When his phone lights up with another request – and a promise to buy Jinki drinks if he sings it – he smiles, unable to hide his excitement.

“You could at least respond to the people you’re around, you know,” Minho huffs, apparently not giving up on getting his attention. “You look happier about your phone than your members, lately.”

In the seat behind him, Jinki can practically hear Kibum rolling his eyes when he sighs. “Just let him be, Minho – he’s probably texting Jonghyun again. The old man needs someone his age to talk with.”

Jinki shoots a glare back at Kibum, then returns to his phone. It does help for him to have someone outside of the band to talk to, especially during promotions. When he’s forced to spend every waking with the members, untangling tensions and trying to smother any new problems before they blow up, he needs a lifeline to the outside world to keep from going insane.

The game cuts to commercials, and Gyeongshik switches his attention away from the radio to their conversation. “Is it that Kim Jonghyun? The one who wrote some songs for your last album?“

"Yeah, that one,” Taemin answers. “Jinki’s gotten real close to him lately.”

“Huh.” He blinks, letting the car roll a few feet ahead before stopping again. “You know, I used to listen to his radio show, but I haven’t listened to his show ever since he started stirring up controversy online.”

Jinki leans towards the front seats with interest – as much as Jonghyun had shared with him about his radio show, he had never mentioned anything going wrong. "He had scandal?”

“Yeah. He posted something about that movement – I forgot what it was called already – the one at that university, where some student left a letter on a board talking about all sorts of stuff.  Basically coming out in support of homosexuals,” he explains, and Jinki freezes, skin immediately prickling at the subtle disdain his manager layers into the word. “I heard they had to filter the show’s messages for a little bit after that, since he was getting harassment. He should have expected it, really, saying things like that online…”

The leather of the front seat creaks under Jinki’s fingers when he clenches his hand before retreating. He fiddles with his phone as the other members speak, rereading Jonghyun’s last message to distract himself from the nervous swirl of nausea in his stomach.

He hates hearing the words for people like him. Even when they’re euphemisms, and even when the person saying them doesn’t wear a disgusted curl on their lip as Gyeongshik does – it makes him sweat. Jinki wipes his palms on his jeans and keeps his face carefully blank. He’s never been able to shake the fear that some small expression or gesture will somehow pull everyone’s attention towards him when the topic arises.

Thankfully, an announcement of an upcoming soccer game on the radio saves him – Minho knocks his elbows into Jinki and Kibum in his rush to turn up the volume on the stereo, and the conversation ends there, drowned out under the flood of stats and predictions that Minho throws out as easily as the paid commentators.

With a sigh, Jinki reopens his phone and taps out a half-hearted response to Jonghyun’s last text and sets down his phone. Though he’s certain the topic is over for now, his heart is still racing, and he can’t bring himself to add the jokes and faces he usually adds to his messages. The knowledge that Jonghyun would risk public blowback to support him is a small comfort. He won’t risk coming out to him – he’d already decided not to air that secret to anyone – but it’s nice to know that Jonghyun might not be disgusted by him if he did.

He lays his head back against the carseat. It’s hard to imagine a life where he would feel up to the risk. Maybe if he weren’t an idol, he could tell Jonghyun, or a few close friends – maybe he’d even have the courage to ask Jonghyun out, if it wouldn’t ruin their friendship completely. But he has four other careers resting on him keeping that part of himself hidden, on top of his own, and he could never bring himself to risk that. Not for a miniscule shot at a crush.

 

***

 

As always, Jinki’s stomach was full of butterflies when the time came for their new song to be thrown in the competition of music shows. And like always, he’d had his doubts of their success – their new title track was radically different from the last, and the pants they’d had to squeeze him in for the performance only raised his doubts – but somehow, it had all come together. They’d won their first award, danced through their encore, and finally filed back into the dressing room to pick confetti out of their hair before changing into their own clothes to head home.

When Jinki returns to the dressing room, his phone is buzzing in his bag, and he already knows who it is. He rushes to give the staff a final bow and thanks, then passes their trophy over to Minho, letting him pose with it as he digs up his phone. He smiles at the string of missed messages from Jonghyun.

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah!!!! Congratulations!!

realjonghyun85: I watched your performance tonight!!!

realjonghyun85: You got your first win!!! I’m so happy for you, Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: Your live was so good he he … did you eat the extra CDs I bought? Is that where they went?

majingki: Ahhh I’m embarrassed

majingki: Thank you hyung ^^

majingki: You’re too nice TT I still need to improve more

realjonghyun85: And you’re so humble … but that’s why you keep getting better isn’t it ^^

realjonghyun85: You have to let me buy you a meal when you’re done promoting, alright?

realjonghyun85: Or I can buy you drinks for each win you get … your pick

majingki: Well, I’m going to need the drink he he

majingki: But food sounds good too TT

majingki: Do I really have to pick between them?

majingki: And if I pick food, you’ll buy meat right…?

realjonghyun85: Ah!! Stop being cute

realjonghyun85: You don’t have to pick

realjonghyun85: Of course I’ll buy you both~

majingki: You don’t have to ^^;

realjonghyun85: Well, you can’t stop me now!!

realjonghyun85: So really ^^ Let me treat my winning dongsaeng

majingki: Ok~

majingki: Thank you hyung ^^

majingki: I didn’t realize you would be watching our performance

realjonghyun85; Of course!

realjonghyun85: I never miss any music show he he

realjonghyun85: Me and my sister usually watch them together

realjonghyun85: I wanted to watch it for you anyway

reajonghyun85: That fishnet open back shirt…

realjonghyun85: Interesting styles idols are wearing these days … he he

majingki: Please, don’t tease me about it… TT

majingki: It’s not like I pick the clothes out

majingki: We just have to dress flashy for our concept

realjonghyun85: That shirt was different from your usual image

realjonghyun85: You looked good

majingki: Hyung TT You’re embarrassing me

realjonghyun85: Am I?

majingki: Yeah … I’m not used to wearing things like that … but it was a bit fun ^^

majingki: Made it easier to not get as sweaty since it was open

realjonghyun85: Yeah, I bet…

realjonghyun85: You seemed to enjoy it as much as the crowd

realjonghyun85: They liked seeing that much of you he he

majingki: Hyung!!!

majingki: Why are you like this … I’m blushing

realjonghyun85: Ah, I’m teasing you too much, aren’t I?

realjonghyun85: Sorry Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: It’s hard not to…

realjonghyun85: I’m a little drunk

majingki: Oh?

realjonghyun85: Yeah, noona bought us drinks to watch the show…

realjonghyun85: I’ve had a few he he

realjonghyun85: And she’s already sick of me talking so much, so I messaged you

realjonghuyn85: Hopefully you don’t mind? ^^

majingki: I don’t mind it hyung ^^

majingki: I like how talkative you are

realjonghyun85: Well, you’re probably the first person to ever say that

realjonghyun85: Too kind … my angel-hearted Jinki-yah

majingki: I’m just being honest hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: I’ll believe you this time

realjonghyun85: But I should leave you alone … I’m sure you want to celebrate the win with your members

majingki: Aw, you don’t have to TTT

majingki: We’ll probably just rest and eat…

majingki: Too tired for much else now

realjonghyun85: Well, I’ll let you rest well then ^^

realjonghyun85: Noona is bugging me now anyway

realjonghyun85: She says I’m too drunk to be texting

majingki: You don’t seem that drunk…

realljonghyun85: I know!! I told her you couldn’t even tell!!

realjonghyun85: But I really am drunk …

realjonghyun85: You just can’t see my face he he

realjonghyun85: I’m actually all flushed

majingki: I wish I could see

majingki: It’s been a while since you’ve been that drunk

realjonghyun85: Don’t tempt me to send you a photo

realjonghyun85: That’ll be embarrassing later

majingki: Why? ^^

majingki: You think I’ll tease you about it?

realjonghyun85: Maybe he he

realjonghyun85: You’re always a little unpredictable

majingki: Yeah? ^^

majingki: It’s fun though, right?

realjonghyun85: Of course~

realjonghyun85: I always have fun with you

majingki: I have fun with you too, hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: Ahhh… you’re making me miss you more TT

realjonghyun85: I have to go now…

realjonghyun85: I can tell I’m getting ridiculous…

realjonghyun85: Better to inflict that on my noona than a busy idol like you

majingki: Okay hyung TT

majingki: I’ll have to go back to the dorm with the members now anyway

majingki: But don’t forget you can message me~ I’ll respond between schedules

majingki: And come to my musical next week! Please?

majingki: I can probably meet you back stage ^^

realjonghyun85: Of course I’ll be there! I know how hard you’ve been working

realjonghyun85: Later Jinki-yah!!

 

***

 

Jinki’s knee bounces double-time as he checks his phone for the third time in five minutes as he waits in the dressing room. He’d told Jonghyun to meet him backstage after his afternoon performance, in the short gap before preparations for the evening one. The last message from he’d gotten from Jonghyun had mentioned that he was bringing his sister along, so he hadn’t even bothered to change out of his final costume from their afternoon performance, too afraid of being caught off guard.

With most of the other cast members out to grab food, the dressing room is quiet, and he hears Jonghyun’s voice echoing down the hall even before a staff members knocks on the door.

“Jinki-ssi – someone’s here to see you.”

Jinki jumps out of his chair and bounds to the door, swinging it open to grin widely at Jonghyun. “Youre here!”

“Shit, Jinki-yah!”  Jonghyun exhales, one hand thrown over his chest. “You don’t need to startle me like that! And of course I’m here – I’m only late when there’s no schedule to stick to.”

“Sorry, hyung.” Jinki smile broadens when he sees that one of Jonghyun’s arms has stayed stubbornly hidden behind his back. He leans to the side to try and steal a glance, heart fluttering at the possibility that Jonghyun had bought him a gift.

Catching Jinki’s intent, Jonghyun steps back from the doorway before Jinki can tell what he’s brought. “You look really different dressed like this.” Jonghyun says, deflecting Jinki’s attention from whatever he’s hiding when he looks him up and down.

Jinki’s nerves itch at the intensity of his stare. He fidgets with his belt, suddenly conscious of the extra attention it brings to the tightness of his jeans. “A good different, I hope?”

“Yeah, for sure – I mean, I’m used to seeing you in makeup for shows on TV, but with these clothes, and your hair like this…you really look like a rock star.”

“Thanks,” Jinki straightens his back, confidence quickly soaring from the compliment. “I was a little worried I’m too soft to suit this kind of image.”

“No, it really suits you, especially with the long hair–”

The sound of a woman clearing her throat interrupts him. “Are you ever going to move, Jjong? I can’t get through the door to introduce myself with you standing there…”

“Right, sorry.” Jonghyun shuffles quickly into the room, letting the woman follow behind in him. Jonghyun gestures to her, introducing her with a proud smile. “Jinki, this is my sister Sodam.”

Jinki fixes the grin he had been wearing into a polite smile before he bows, making sure to bend to the full ninety degrees. He knows how much Jonghyun’s sister means to him, and he wants to make a good impression. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s good to finally meet you too, Jinki.” She smiles after returning the bow. “Jonghyun talks so much about you.”

“She’s just reciting cliches,” Jonghyun mumbles, embarrassed. Sodam shakes her head from behind Jonghyun’s shoulder, making Jinki grin. There’s no reason for it, but having Sodam’s approval of their friendship makes his crush seem a little less pathetic.

“We’ve gotten close these past few months, right? You don’t need to be embarrassed about it, I’m flattered that you talk about me,” Jinki says, feeling bold. When Jonghyun only shrugs shyly, Jinki points to the flowers in Jonghyun’s hands. “…Are those for me?”

“Oh, right!” Jonghyun snaps out of his flustered state to hold the bouquet out for him. “We picked these up on the way for you.”

Jinki takes them from Jonghyun hands, hiding his smile behind the thick bundle of flowers when he pulls them close. He doesn’t want to look _too_ delighted, but it’s the first time he’s ever been given flowers from anyone other than his parents.

“Jjong picked out the roses,” Sodam says with a nudge at Jonghyun’s shoulder.

Jonghyun jostles her back roughly. “I wanted to get something nice, and I don’t know anything about flowers. I just grabbed whatever I could find.”

“Well, they’re really nice,” Jinki says. He leans the bouquet back towards him, sighing at the fresh scent. “Thank you, hyung. I like them a lot.”

Jonghyun scratches at the back of his neck, a pleased smile on his lips. “You’re welcome.”

Both of them rock back on their heels as the conversation stilts. When the silence begins to drag on, Sodam clears her throat. “So, how long can we stay back here before we get kicked out? I don’t want to get you in trouble if we linger.”

Jinki pokes his head out of the door. He’d found that he could judge how long they had before things got frantic by the pace of the stage crews’ steps; that only half of them were only power-walking meant they still had some time left. “Maybe a few more minutes, since I still have to change…I think they want to go over some things before the evening performance.”

“Well, we don’t want to keep you, since you’re the star of the show.” Jonghyun grins at him. “But can we take a picture before we leave? I know you’re going to wear this later in the show, but my phone doesn’t have the best camera. I doubt I’m going to see you in an outfit like this again.”

“Sounds great! I’ll take the picture for you both.” Sodam snatches Jonghyun’s phone out of his hand. Gesturing for them to step back, she waves her hands, frowning as she tries to direct them. “Can’t you get closer than that? This phone can’t make a very wide shot.”

Stepping closer, Jonghyun slings an arm over his shoulder and grumbles. “Lean down a little, could you? Your boots are too damn big.”

Jinki snickers when Jonghyun stumbles on his toes as he tries to stand taller. “Having trouble reaching, hyung?”

“You’re lucky I’m not allowed to mess up your hair tonight, Jinki-yah.” Jonghyun’s fingers snake under his curls to give a quick pinch at the back of his neck. “You’re being extra cheeky.”

When Jinki yelps, Sodam sighs, brows furrowed in exaggerated annoyance. “Can I take a picture of you two, or are you going to just play around?”

“Yes, yes, picture time, got it.” Jonghyun points to the camera. “Smile, Jinki-yah.”

Jinki faces the camera as instructed and beams, unable to help smiling brighter when he feels Jonghyun squeeze his shoulder and lean more of his weight on him for balance.

Sodam snaps a few more pictures, then claps her hands. “Alright, that’s good." 

She passes the phone back to Jonghyun, who pulls up the pictures and holds it out so they can all see. Sodam rests her head on Jonghyun’s shoulder and coos. "This picture came out _so_ cute. You two look happy.”

Sidling up on Jonghyun’s other side, Jinki stares at the picture, caught off guard by the brightness of his own smile. Did he always look _that_ happy around Jonghyun?

Jonghyun hums. “It came out well, yeah – should we use this one?”

“But your eyes are closed, hyung. Was that on purpose?”

“I do that a lot, haven’t you noticed? My eyes get red when I fall asleep with my contacts in…it’s the best way to cover that up.” Jonghyun looks down at his phone again, this time tapping his way through the screen to twitter. “Do you mind if I upload it? You still have a few shows left to go, and your musical deserves some extra promoting. I know you’ve worked hard.”

“Sure, go ahead,” Jinki agrees. He’s too pleased with Jonghyun’s compliment to care that he usually avoids sharing things online. “It’ll be nice to have it up there.”

“Alright then, I’m uploading it…” Jonghyun taps and squints at his screen before he pulls away from it with a smile. “And it’s all done. Too late to delete it now.”

Sodam only manages squeeze off a single question about Jinki’s career before before Jonghyun’s phone buzzes violently in his hand, screen flickering every half-second with a new notification.

Jonghyun blinks at it. “Um…”

“You better turn that off completely during the show,” Sodam says.

“I guess so,” Jonghyun says, eyes wide as he opens up his phone. “That picture really took off fast – is this why you never make your account public?”

Jinki shrugs. “Kind of. Too much attention can be a little overwhelming.”

“Yeah, I guess…I didn’t expect so many people to notice I posted something this quickly.” Jonghyun taps rapidly at the screen, expression desperate as he tries to turn off the flood of notifications. “And now a lot of your fans are following me for whatever reason…how many can you possibly have?”

Jinki sticks out his lips in a fake pout. “Are you saying you expected me to be unpopular?”

“No.” Jonghyun huffs. “I’m just saying I didn’t expect people to follow _me_ because of one picture with you.”

“You should have expected it, Jjong – Jinki’s a celebrity after all.” Sodam shrugs. “They’re probably hoping you’ll post more pictures with him later.”

“Damn. I hope they aren’t disappointed if I don’t.”

“We can take more pictures sometime,” Jinki offers. “As long as you don’t take any when we’re out drinking. I don’t want anyone to find where we’re at, or see me drunk…I’d definitely get in trouble for that.”

“I’m more likely to look drunk than you, so don’t worry.” Jonghyun laughs. “I’m not sure I want to do it anyway, it feels weird…like I’m using you for your fame.”

“I know you’re not like that, hyu–”

“You’re telling me _every_ costume designer went to get coffee?!” A booming voice from across the theater cuts Jinki off and makes Jonghyun jump. As Sodam snickers at Jonghyun’s reaction, Jinki cringes, able recognize the voice from across the theater.  

Jinki sighs and pushes back his bangs. “That was the director…he’s a good guy, but I’m not sure you want to stick around. There’ll be more of the yelling as we get closer to starting.”

"Alright. We should go and grab our seats, anyway,” Sodam says. She nudges Jonghyun until he nods in agreement. “Good luck with your show, Jinki.”

“I’ll work hard.” Jinki smiles, tucking the flowers under his other arm. “You two have good seats, right?”

“Very good seats,” Jonghyun affirms. “I made sure to get the best. So you have to wave to us, okay?”

“I’ll try, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to see you with the stage lights.”

Jonghyun laughs. “Don’t worry about it then, just focus on your performance. If you make it a good one, I’ll write up a review to please my new followers.”

“You’ll say good things about me no matter what,” Jinki teases.

“You know I will.” Jonghyun grins. Reaching in for a hug, he stops himself mid-way, pulling back before he crushes the bouquet of flowers against Jinki’s side. Sodam’s lips quirk in amusement at Jonghyun’s awkward retreat when she turns her attention back to Jinki.

“Thanks for letting us backstage again. I’m going to take my brother away before he finds something else to talk about – he can talk forever if you let him.”

“Yeah…and I ought to get to work.” Jinki swings his arms by his side, enjoying the playful glare Jonghyun sends him before he remembers to bow to Sodam. “It was nice to meet you. Thank you for coming to the musical.”

“You too.” She bows back.

Jinki watches them leave, waving to Jonghyun as he’s dragged away. The moment they step out of earshot, Sodam leans in towards Jonghyun’s ear, chattering at him excitedly and glancing back at Jinki one last time.

Jinki catches her gaze with a knot in his stomach.

He should have concerned himself less with earning her approval, and more on keeping the butterflies that always fill his stomach around Jonghyun from affecting his behavior – he can’t shake the feeling that a part of her noticed he’s more fond of her brother than a friend should be.

***

 

Jinki opens up his twitter the moment he gets back to the dorm, curious about what fans might have to say about his last performance of the musical. Though it was something he planned on doing anyway, Jonghyun’s presence in the audience had emboldened him to give a little extra fanservice before the curtains had closed. Their fans didn’t know it yet, but the only appearance they would have in Korea for the next year would be for their concert, and Jinki felt like he had to do something special to make up for it.

A picture of himself with his hands in the air and a broad smile on his lips makes him grin at the memory of that moment – though he’d been worried about balancing the musical and its rehearsals in the middle of promotions, he’s glad he didn’t pass up the role. It had been nice to play a role outside of the polite and sweet side of him he always emphasized to fans.

Backing out from his search, Jinki moves on to his mentions, heart fluttering when he sees that a good number of them include the picture he took with Jonghyun. As silly as it is, a part of him can’t help but be happy to see their names are being used side-by-side. Jinki scrolls down further, fully expecting the comments to be about the picture he had let Jonghyun take or the songs Jonghyun had written for their last album, but finds little mention of that – instead, his screen is flooded with screenshots, taken on different phones at different resolutions but all evidence of the same thing: Jonghyun following one of his biggest fansites.

Jinki stares at his phone in disbelief, half wondering if it was a joke – why would Jonghyun follow one his fansites? Closing it, he goes to Jonghyun’s following list, seeing no mention of it – he could write it off as an image edit that got spread around, but knowing Jonghyun, he has reason to be suspicious. He moves through a few random discussions amongst the fans, and the same ones that noticed him following the fansite were posting jokes about the unfollow that shortly followed it.

Jinki sets his phone aside and rolls onto his back, needing to stare at the ceiling to try and think. That’s enough evidence for him that it really happened. But it still seemed…odd. Jonghyun always talked about keeping up with the industry, so it could be about that – but a fansite wouldn’t tell him anything about musical trends. And updates on SHINee are easy enough to find on the official accounts he was already following.

The only reason for someone to follow a fansite of his would be to look at pictures or video of him, right? His mind hones in on that thought, building his hopes higher and higher until his heart is beating stupidly fast. Did he just follow the site on accident, after looking up pictures of Jinki? And if he did look up pictures – how often did he do that? Was it because he wanted pictures of the musical, or was it a regular thing?

It _had_ to mean something.

Reaching back for his phone, Jinki pulls up the image again to look at the timestamp one fan had given, squinting at the screen as he zooms until he can read the small _3:03 am_ printed in the corner. Jonghyun had followed his site only an hour after ending his radio show.

_So Jonghyun gets home around 3am, and the first thing he does look at pictures of me?_

Jinki swallows, cheeks growing warm when his mind jumps to other things Jonghyun might do late at night after work. There’s no way Jonghyun would look them up with _that_ purpose in mind – it’s not like fansite pictures were revealing. But the idea is still enticing, enough for him to want to find out why Jonghyun decided to sign himself up for easy access to pictures of him.

It’d be easier to get information out of him in person, but he can’t stand to wait, so he opens up his last conversation with Jonghyun and starts with a teasing text.

majingki: Why did you follow my fansite hyung? ^^

Though his message is read immediately, Jonghyun’s response comes a few minutes later.

realjonghyun85: Eh? Your fansite?

majingki: Yeah ^^

realjonghyun85: I clicked it on accident!!

realjonghyun85: The screen on my new phone is so big, see TT I keep pushing the wrong buttons

majingki: But why were you on there hyung ^^ Are you a fan hehe

realjonghyun85: Well, you know I’m your fan

majingki: Yeah, I know ^^

realjonghyun85: How did you know I followed it, anyway?

majingki: I saw fans posting about it … they put up screenshots ^^

realjonghyun85: Seriously? Wow… I have to be careful

realjonghyun85: They’re like detectives

majingki: Careful?

majingki: You think you might follow one again? ^^

realjonghyun85: My hands are clumsy!

majingki: Do you look often? ^^

realjonghyun85: They take good pictures!

majingki: You should make one your phone background then hyung~

realjonghyun85: You really want me to?

majingki: I’m joking he he

realjonghyun85: Too bad, I’m going to do it now

realjonghyun85: This is what you get for teasing me Jinki-yah

majingki: Free promotion? Sounds like a good thing ^^

realjonghyun85: I guess so … hehe

majingki: Pick something good ^^

realjonghyun85: No such thing as a bad picture from these sites, don’t worry

majingki: Mm…

majingki: So you have looked at them a lot?

realjonghyun85: You know, you’re always extra cheeky when it’s late

majingki: ^^

realjonghyun85: Shouldn’t you sleep?

majingki: I had to tease you first

majingki: But I guess you’re right…

majingki: We can’t all stay up till 3am looking up idol pictures… ^^

realjonghyun85: Go to bed, Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: You need your rest

majingki: Alright, alright … I won’t tease you anymore

majingki: Thanks again for coming to the musical, hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: Of course!

realjonghyun85: You were great ^^

realjonghyun85: Sodam enjoyed it too, and she’s not a musical person at all

majingki: ^^ Thanks

majingki: I’m glad she liked it … I was nervous

majingki: But I’ll sleep now! Since hyung said I should!

realjonghyun85: Glad you finally listen to me  he he

majingki: You rest too ^^ Don’t stay up too late hunting pictures~

realjonghyun85: I won’t!

realjonghyun85: Good night Jinki

 

***

 

“Hey, Jinki,” Jonghyun greets him at the door and invites him in with a familiar hurried movement of his hands. “Sorry I’m not ready to leave yet. My friend is still here, we got caught up working on a new song together.”

“That’s fine.” Jinki shrugs, toeing off his shoes before heading to wait on the couch. He’s gotten used to catching Jonghyun in the middle an inspiration burst, and has learned to expect a small wait when he arrives. “You’ll be done soon, you think?”

“Yeah, we’re pretty much done.” He walks past Jinki to the small music room. “Just let me help her pack her music and things, then we can–”

“Oh, I got it, Jonghyun.” A woman steps out from the small studio, sheets of music shoved haphazardly into a set of folders under her arms.

Jinki stares at her, a sudden lump forming in his throat. He had always known that he couldn’t be the only person Jonghyun worked with in his small apartment studio, but seeing first-hand that the person he’s working with is a pretty girl stirs a jealousy in him that he hadn’t expected to feel. He wanted those moments all to himself _._

The woman smiles at him broadly, then looks at Jonghyun as she comes to join them in the living room. “I didn’t realize you were having a guest. I would have cut you off a while ago if I had known. I hate it when you’re late to things.”

“Yeah, well…” Jonghyun rubs the back of his neck. “I lost track of time, so I didn’t think to say anything. But it’s good we didn’t lose the flow we had going, right?”

The woman rolls her eyes, obviously as familiar as Jinki is with Jonghyun’s excuses. “You _always_ lose track of time.”

“I know, I know.” Jonghyun claps his hands together, eager to move the subject on from his habitual lateness, and gestures to Jinki. “This is the idol friend I was telling you about, Lee Jinki – I guess you probably know him as SHINee’s Onew.”

Before Jonghyun can introduce her in turn, she bows to Jinki. "I’m Sojin, Jonghyun’s friend from high school. I usually play keyboard for him and help him write.” There’s a small spark in her eye as she pauses to fix her hair before continuing. “I’m sorry that we ran late, but I am glad I got to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Jinki says, trying to ignore her smile even as he returns it. She’s pretty, in a heart-wrenching way – the image of her and Jonghyun sharing the piano bench is enough to make his chest burn. He locks his hands together in front of him and bows to her, hoping his politeness will hide the jealousy still clawing at his gut.

“Ah, you’re even more handsome in real life…” she muses, eyes bouncing over his face when he straightens. “Jonghyun always keeps such good-looking friends.”

Jonghyun’s eyes widen. He looks quickly between Jinki and Sojin, clearly as caught off guard by the blatant flirting as Jinki had been.

“Well, of course he’s good-looking, Sojin – he’s an idol,” Jonghyun huffs. “And a popular one, too. I’m lucky I ever get to see him at all with how busy he is.”

Sojin shakes her head and sighs before heading to the door. “You don’t need to hint at me like that, Jonghyun. I understand that you two had plans. I’ll leave.”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to rush you out.” Jonghyun apologizes, but follows her to the door and opens it without hesitation. “We just don’t get to see each other much, and he just finished promoting.”

“That’s a shame.” Sojin stops outside the door. “I hope to see you again when you’re not so rushed.”

Jinki smiles, hoping it comes across as sincere. “Yeah, you too.”

“Later, Sojin – send me those recordings when you get the chance.” Jonghyun closes the door after her, then slumps back against it with a heavy sigh. He fixes Jinki with an apologetic look as he straightens. “I’m really sorry about that, Jinki. I could tell you were kind of uncomfortable with her flirting.”

“It’s fine,” Jinki says. “Stuff like that happens.”

“Still, though.” Jonghyun pouts. “Let me know if you want me to tell her to back off, alright? I doubt you two will meet again, but I don’t want you to feel put on the spot like that if you do.”

Jinki shrugs. He already feels better now that they’re alone, and the tinge of protectiveness in Jonghyun’s voice is nearly enough to make him forget his earlier jealousy. “I can handle it, hyung. I have plenty of experience turning people down.”

Jonghyun shakes his head, a wry smile on his lips, and reaches out to ruffle Jinki’s hair before he can protest. “C'mon, now you’re just bragging.”

“I’m not, really!” Jinki squirms away from Jonghyun, fixing his bangs back into place as he backs up into the other room to escape. “It’s just true!”

“I’m sure it is…” Jonghyun mumbles, suddenly pulling his hands back. The corners of his mouth etching deeper in annoyance as steps over to the coat rack to retrieve his jacket. “You’re really good-looking. Probably get tons of offers.”

“It doesn’t matter – I’m not really interested in dating,” Jinki says, hoping to placate Jonghyun, though his own mood has already soured.

His mind has already made connections he never wanted to make, and he can only imagine one reason Jonghyun would be upset about Sojin’s interest in him. Since before they met, Jonghyun had penned dozens of lyrics about one-sided love, but never given a name to his muse – and if it were going to be anyone, wouldn’t it be the girl he’d worked on music with since he was young?

He pushes the thought away, afraid of sharpening the tension between them. No point in thinking about it, anyway, when he’d never have a chance.

When Jonghyun returns, Jinki forces out a smile, slipping back into his shoes and watching patiently as Jonghyun shrugs on his jacket.

“Let’s go grab something to eat.” Jonghyun steps past him and swings open the door, uncharacteristically rushed. “I’ve been cooped up in here all day.”

“Sounds good to me,” Jinki agrees. He follows Jonghyun to the elevator in long strides to keep up with his pace. When the door closes behind them, the blurry reflection of Jonghyun with his arms crossed is enough to keep him from trying to start a conversation, so he shoves his hands in his pockets and waits, counting the seconds between the ding for each floor to distract himself.

Once outside, Jonghyun waves for them to cross the street, still wordless even as he directs them towards their usual restaurant. It’s not as if Jinki needs verbal directions, when they’ve been to this place a few times before and they’re walking together, but they’ve never made the short walk in total silence – even if they have nothing to say, Jonghyun usually fills the space in with his absent humming. Tonight, he steps alongside Jinki quietly, looking deep in thought as they navigate their way through the bustle of pedestrians to reach the restaurant on the corner.

Just after they settle into their seats and make their orders, Jonghyun’s phone buzzes against the table. He glares at it accusingly.

“Sojin wants your number,” he grumbles, fingers beginning staccato taps of irritation across the screen when he opens his phone to begin a response.

“Sorry.” Jinki slumps back in his seat, feeling guilty. “It’s not a big deal. Just tell her you won’t give it out or ignore it.”

Jonghyun’s mouth twists when he receives another message. “You sure you don’t want her number or anything?”

“I already said I’m not interested,” Jinki insists. He kicks at the leg of his own chair, irritated that Jonghyun seemed to be taking out whatever jealousy he felt on him. “Why are you so upset about it, anyway? Is Sojin some one-sided love of yours or something?”

The silence that follows is enough to make Jinki regret the question the minute it leaves his mouth. He’d rather not know if that’s true, and the intense stare Jonghyun is giving him makes him think it is.

“…Are you asking me that as a serious question, Jinki?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jinki snaps. “You’ve worked with her since high school, right? And you spend so much time alone together…it makes sense that you would like her.”

“Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean I’m interested in her at all,” Jonghyun protests. He pinches the bridge of his nose, hiding his mouth with his hand as he gives a soft laugh. “Really, I’m not interested – I’ve never even _thought_ about it. We just work well together on music, and share a lot of early memories…we’re old friends. It’s never been anything more than that.”

Jinki’s scrunches his nose and eyes Jonghyun, still skeptical. “You’re _acting_ like you’re jealous, though.”

“I’m not jealous.” Jonghyun scowls. When their food is set down a moment later, he reaches across the table to swipe a piece of Jinki’s food before beginning his explanation.  "I’m just irritated with how she’s acting, you know? I feel like she only hit on you so blatantly because you’re an idol – I’ve _never_ seen her be so pushy before about a guy – and I don’t like that she’d treat you differently. I don’t want you to have to worry about that part of your life around me.“

"I told you I’m used to it, hyung.” Jinki says. “It’s not a big deal unless there’s a crazy crowd, or it’s one of our sasaeng fans. The only reason I’m tense right now is because _you_ seem tense.”

“Yeah, and I’m sorry for that.” Jonghyun sighs and relaxes back into his chair. He wipes his hand on a napkin, then wring it in his hands, staring past Jinki as he thinks over his words before continuing. “Plus, I just … _am_ a bit jealous, I guess. I don’t have a lot of friends I can meet up like this, one-on-one. And now I keep thinking you’ll meet some other girl I work with and want me to invite her along–”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“I wouldn’t blame you, if you did,” Jonghyun says, smiling reluctantly. “And it’s selfish of me to not help you meet people, isn’t it? It’s probably hard for you to date, as an idol. But I just don’t like the idea of sharing the little time I get with you … I’ve really grown to like it.”

“I like it it just being us too,” Jinki says, not realizing how it sounds until Jonghyun averts his gaze to avoid meeting his eyes as a shy smile pulls at his lips.

A flush crawls up Jinki’s neck. He rushes to add on his statement, not wanting to say anything suspicious. "I mean, I’m used to being stuck around four other guys and fans, and since they’re both really noisy–” he cuts himself off, already feeling like he’s making things worse. “I meant that the quiet’s a nice change. And you’re a great friend.”

At his words, Jonghyun’s expression warms, and Jinki has only a half-second to try and calm the flutter in his heart before Jonghyun reaches across the table to squeeze his shoulder.

“You’re a good friend to me too, Jinki-yah. I’m glad we’ve gotten so close.”

***

Jonghyun’s coffee table is covered in a dozen dishes and drinks for each of them. All of the bowls are open and steaming, ready to eat, and Jinki can’t remember the last time he’s seen so much food.

Jinki stretches his legs out under the table with a satisfied sigh and reaches for the second dish Jonghyun had ordered for them to share. He hasn’t eaten properly in ages, it feels like. The latest blowup between Jino and Kibum at the dorm had given him plenty of reason to avoid any common areas, and between that and schedules he’d missed more meals than he’d eaten. The chance to relax with Jonghyun and a movie (the first Lord of the Rings, predictably – because Jinki always lets Jonghyun pick and they had just finished the books) had brought back his hunger with a force that had his mouth watering from the moment their food came to the door.

His appetite doesn’t go unnoticed by Jonghyun – probably because they’re bumping elbows every time Jinki reaches across the table to grab another piece of meat from Jonghyun’s side – and he imitates Jinki’s reach by knocking back into him with deliberate force.

"Are you hungry or something, Jinki-yah?” Jonghyun teases. “You seem to be eating off every corner of the table.”

“A bit,” Jinki answers, covering his mouth with his hand as he gives a sheepish smile and finishes chewing. “I haven’t had a full meal like this since promotions started.”

“Idols, really.” Jonghyun tuts and shakes his head. He puts a hand on Jinki’s shoulder for balance and stands, then settles onto the couch. “I’m full already, so the rest of the food is yours. Eat anything left that you like.”

“Thanks, hyung.” Jinki grins back at Jonghyun before reaching for what was left of his soup, He looks up at the movie as he sips the broth, trying to figure out what he had missed so far. Though they had read all the books together, Jinki hadn’t enjoyed them enough to remember all the details, and he still got lost in all the nonsense about elves and dwarves and magic.

He squints at the white-robed wizard on screen. “Why is Gandalf asking that guy for help? I thought he was a bad guy?”

“He is – Gandalf will learn that in a bit. He ends up blocking the fellowship’s preferred path to Mordor, and is the reason the fellowship has to go through the Mines of Moria, which is where Gandalf falls.”

Jinki hums with feigned interest and slumps back against the couch. Though the movie isn’t his kind of story, it at least gets Jonghyun talking, and Jinki is fully content to listen to his commentary and glance over his shoulder to watch his reactions for the next few hours.

When the credits begin to roll, Jonghyun sighs and flips on the lamp next to him.

“I’m not going to force you through the next movie tonight,” Jonghyun says. “It’s getting pretty late for you.”

“Oh, yeah…” Jinki trails off, already dreading returning the dorm. “I guess I should be heading back, huh?”

Jonghyun raises a brow at him. “You don’t sound like you want to go back.”

“Not really.” Jinki sighs. He unfolds his hands on the table to stare at them, trying to think what to say. He shouldn’t be sharing, not when it’s an issue among the members – but he trusts Jonghyun.

Jinki takes a deep breath and explains. "Kibum and Jino are fighting lately. I don’t really know what started it – I was gone for that, and they won’t tell me – but Jino’s been making little jabs and Kibum’s been an ass at every chance he can be.” Jinki bites his lip in guilt: it’s his job to keep things running smoothly, and he’d been failing at it. “And when they aren’t doing _that_ , they’re completely silent, and the whole dorm is tense. I’ve tried to get them to talk about it a few times, but they won’t listen. Jino refuses to admit he did anything to offend Kibum, and Kibum won’t talk to him unless he does.”

“It’s not your fault if they won’t talk,” Jonghyun says gently. “Can you stay with your parents for bit and wait for Kibum and Jino to smooth things out on their own? They’ll have to, eventually, since you’re all stuck together.”

Jinki shakes his head. “My parents still live in Gwangmyeong…it’s not that far, but I would feel like I’m running away if I went there. I have practice for our repackage to worry about, too.”

Jonghyun fiddles with the rim of his glasses, brow wrinkling thoughtfully. “You could stay here for the night, then, if you wanted. The couch isn’t that comfortable, but you’re welcome to it.”

Jinki blinks, caught off guard by the offer – he hadn’t realized Jonghyun considered them close enough for that to be on the table. “Are you sure? I really don’t want to impose…”

“It’s not imposing, Jinki-yah.” Jonghyun laughs and pokes his shoulder with a socked foot. “I offered. And it’ll mean I get extra time with you, too – that’s definitely something I’ve been lacking lately.”

“Yeah.” Jinki smiles back at him gratefully. “Let me tell the members I’ll be staying, just in case they wonder why I’m not at the dorm.”

He pulls out his phone and fires off a quick message into the members’ group chat to tell them he’ll be staying at Jonghyun’s. His message is been read immediately by all four of them, but only Minho bothers to give him a quick response.

Sighing, he tosses the phone aside. “Looks like I can stay. No one said anything against it.”

“Hey, I’m sure they miss you.” Jonghyun pats his back reassuringly. “If you’re going to stay, we can watch the next movie.” He tugs on Jinki’s shirt to try and get him to stand. “But you should get up here if we’re for it – staying on the floor like that isn’t good for your back.”

“Sorry, hyung.” Jinki grins and climbs up onto the couch, holding out his empty bottle to Jonghyun. “Do you have anymore to drink? If I’m staying, a little more couldn’t hurt.”

 

***

 

 _A little more_ turns out to be a whole bottle of soju Jonghyun had found in the back of his fridge. And just like with the food, Jonghyun cuts himself off early and leaves the rest to Jinki, who’s all too eager to finish off the rest. The fact that he’s staying at Jonghyun’s house for the night has nestled as a bundle of nerves in his stomach, and he’s counting on the alcohol to take the edge off. After he finishes the last drop, Jinki tucks himself back against the cushion of the couch. The room is already swirling around him, and he needs something to lean against when the last few swallows hit.

Even with the lights off for the second movie, he see Jonghyun looking at him out of the corner of his eye, clearly concerned about the amount of alcohol Jinki had managed to drink. For some reason, the worry is amusing – maybe because it’s so painfully in character for Jonghyun, or maybe because he’s really just that drunk. But the more he thinks about it, the harder it is not to laugh, and soon Jinki is snickering, shoulders rising up to his ears as he tries to keep himself from laughing fully.

Jonghyun turns to him, frowning with worry when Jinki immediately straightens his face to try and hide his amusement. “You’re really drunk, Jinki-yah – you sure you’re up for watching the rest of this?”

“I’m _fine_ , hyung,” Jinki says, enunciating carefully to fight against the heavy feeling on his tongue. “I’m having fun! I want to finish the movie.”

Jonghyun narrows his eyes. “If you’re sure…”

“I’m sure.” Jinki nods. He tries to bump his shoulder against Jonghyun’s when he opens his mouth to argue, but the shift in weight is difficult to calculate, and he ends up nearly falling over Jonghyun’s lap.

“Whoa, careful.” Jonghyun catches him quickly and helps him up with a gentle push. He eyes Jinki with caution. “…Maybe movement is a bad idea for you right now.”

“Mm, maybe.” Jinki nestles back into the crease between the back cushions of the couch. Jonghyun hadn’t bothered to push him all the way upright, so he has good reason to stay put – especially when that means leaving only a few inches of distance between them.

He looks through his lashes up at Jonghyun. He can’t _not_ look, now that he’s realized how close they are.

A sudden heaviness pulls on his chest. He shouldn’t be thinking about doing anything – shouldn’t even _entertain_ the thought – but the alcohol is a good excuse to let himself indulge. And Jonghyun never seems to mind closeness, so leaning against him wouldn’t be that different than helping him with billiards, except he’s touching with no goal in mind but the pleasant fizzle in his stomach he can never admit to having. Jinki bites his lip and shifts closer a few inches at a time, still unsure if he wants his approach to be noticed or not.

Jonghyun makes no attempt to move away – if anything, he seems to be leaning back towards him – and Jinki gets bolder. He nuzzles his cheek against Jonghyun’s shoulder, then moves lower, adjusting his weight until he’s resting his head fully on Jonghyun’s arm and his right hand is up against his leg.

At that, Jonghyun stiffens, and Jinki stops, suddenly afraid he had gone too far. “This okay, hyung?”

“It’s fine,” Jonghyun says, keeping his eyes locked on the screen. The shadows along his neck from the dim light of the television shift as he swallows, bending into new shapes when he adjusts his arm to rest behind Jinki’s shoulders. “You still comfortable?”

“Yeah,” Jinki breathes. The movie blurs as he adjusts to the new angle, a half-mixture of faces and movement that seems much less important than the soft and steady sound of Jonghyun breathing deeply above him. Jinki’s heart pounds in his throat as what he’s done sinks in.

Jonghyun’s arm is around him, and his cheek is pressed right against Jonghyun’s chest, and Jonghyun’s chest is warm and firm and everything he’d imagined it to be, the few times he’d dared to think about it.

He’s had this kind of contact with his members before, but it had never felt this thrilling.

He tries to force his attention back to the movie with little luck. At every tense scene, Jonghyun’s fingers tighten slightly around his arm, sending a buzz flitting across his skin that reminds him how close they are.

All he would have to do to kiss Jonghyun is lift himself a few inches and turn his head.

As the image in his mind gets more detailed, Jinki flushes, trying to ignore the voice in his head that tells him alcohol would be a perfect excuse for anything he might do. Shaking his head, he throws his attention back to the movie, needing something to comment on to end the silence that has his mind racing.

“The movies are way better than the books,” Jinki says, flapping his hand at the screen. The camera pans out to fields and forests, and Jinki continues, mumbling under his breath. “I don’t have to read all those boring descriptions of trees and nature or whatever…I can just look at them.”

Jonghyun laughs softly. “You didn’t like the books, huh?”

“They were a little boring, yeah…” Jinki trails off. He closes his eyes, enjoying the small shift of Jonghyun’s chest against his cheek when he gives a mocking huff of offense. “But I wanted to read them since you liked them so much.”

“Well, I’m honored you’d endure that for me,” Jonghyun says. Despite his teasing tone, his voice sounds heavy, and his hand runs a small circle on Jinki’s shoulder. “Just tell me next time if you don’t like what I pick, and we’ll find something else.”

“Okay.” Jinki yawns and stretches out fully on the couch. “Will you be mad if I fall asleep, hyung? The movie’s really dragging on…”

“I won’t be mad. You don’t like them either, do you?”

“Mm.” Jinki closes his eyes to dodge the question. When the movie picks up into an action scene that takes Jonghyun’s attention away from him, Jinki uses the chance to settle fully onto his chest.

Jonghyun’s fingers whisper through his hair and push back his bangs. “…Jinki-yah? Are you falling asleep?”

Jinki gives a tired grunt. He’s not sure if he will, but he’s already slipped peacefully into the warm and content stage of drunkenness where he doesn’t want to move. Maybe if Jonghyun thinks he’s asleep they can stay like this all night.

***

 

Jinki wakes up in a sweat. He doesn’t remember going to sleep with a blanket on him, or the pillow under his head. Kicking off the blanket, Jinki stands, immediately reaching for the button of his pants. As always, he’d worn his best-fitting jeans when he saw Jonghyun, and though they aren’t uncomfortably tight, they’re still too warm to sleep in, especially when he’s still a little buzzed. Undoing the zipper, Jinki shoves them down around his knees and pries them off of his calves, nearly tripping over his feet as he tries to step out of them.

He swears under his breath until he kicks them off in triumph and collapses back on the couch. When he looks up, Jonghyun is standing outside of his room, looking frozen between heading back inside and moving on to the kitchen.

“Oh, hyung. Sorry, uh–” Jinki says, grateful that the dark hides the blush creeping up his neck. “I guess I fell asleep in my jeans and got too hot. I don’t really have pajamas or anything.”

“Ah, yeah. I didn’t think about that,” Jonghyun says. His focus bounces between Jinki’s face and the floor. Jinki doesn’t need light to be able to tell that his cheeks are burning. “Do you want anything to wear?”

“I’ll be fine, thanks.” Jinki quickly lies down to cover himself back up with the blanket. The idea of getting to wear something Jonghyun owned sounds too enticing for him to feel right accepting, even if he would feel more comfortable with some kind of pajamas.

Jonghyun nods and shuffles off to the kitchen, still clearly embarrassed. The sound of him opening and closing cabinets is like gunshots in the tense silence, and Jinki stares unblinkingly at the ceiling, hyper aware of every movement Jonghyun makes. When he hears the pad of Jonghyun’s feet approaching him, he closes his eyes to seem asleep, reopening them only after he hears the clink of glass against the coffee table.

Jonghyun meets his eyes with a soft smile in the dark, and Jinki swallows, feeling a dozen hopes spark to life as the distance between them seems to shrink.

“Hyung?”

“I’m not sure you drank enough water to balance out all that alcohol,” Jonghyun whispers. “I don’t want you to end up with a hangover.”

“Oh.” Jinki smiles at his own stupidity, reaching out to take a drink from the glass. He must still be drunk, to be thinking there was a possibility of anything happening between them. “Thank you, hyung.”

“Sure.” Jonghyun ruffles his hair lightly. “Get some rest, Jinki.”

“You too.”  Jinki lays back down.

When he hears the door to Jonghyun’s bedroom close again, he presses the heels of his hands against his eyelids, willing himself to forget the moment. The discomfort is distracting enough to pull him away from the rapid beat of his heart, but it’s not enough to erase the image of Jonghyun in only a loose shirt and boxers from his mind. He hasn’t seen Jonghyun without his glasses in ages, either, and that felt new too. It’s not that Jonghyun looks better without them, but that it feels intimate now – another part of Jonghyun dressing down at the end of the day, rather than dressing up to make a good first impression.

With a groan, Jinki rolls onto his side and forces himself to breathe slowly. He needs to calm himself down if he wants to get any sleep. The last thing he needs to think about is Jonghyun dressing down around him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun note maybe: i imagine that in this au, jong got the inspiration for one of his early songs from the last scene – i kinda wonder if it’s obvious which one, but hopefully y’all can enjoy it!

Jinki can’t decide if he has the best luck in the world, or the worst.

The next time he goes to see Jonghyun, it’s ten past ten at night, and Jonghyun isn’t answering his door. Jinki sends another text message and stretches out his back, opening up a random phone game and prepares himself for a wait.

Two levels later, when the door finally opens, Jinki looks up from his phone, eyes going wide. His greeting is stuck in his throat, somewhere between the realization that Jonghyun is shirtless and the realization Jonghyun is _wet._

“Sorry, I haven’t finished getting ready yet,” Jonghyun smiles, inviting Jinki inside. “I found a good melody, and I got caught up writing, and then I was humming the song to myself in the shower, and–”

“It’s fine, hyung, I’m used to it.” Jinki steps past him quickly. His nerves prickle at the extra warmth radiating off of Jonghyun’s bare skin from the shower. He’s always wondered if he’d catch Jonghyun half undressed, considering he’s usually behind schedule, but he hadn’t expected it to be today – or for him to be so far behind that he was only wearing a towel.

In an attempt to imitate his usual actions, Jinki takes a seat on the couch and leans over the coffee table, pretending to be interested in the new stack of books – anything to avoid looking up.  "How, uh – how long do you think till you’re ready?“

"Not long.” Jonghyun trots in front of him, foiling Jinki’s plan to avoid looking at him, and glances down at the books. “Do you want to borrow one of these?”

Jinki grins stiffly. “No thanks. I can a probably read a few while you finish getting ready.”

“I won’t be _that_ long.” Jonghyun rolls his eyes and throws the towel from his hands over his head. “I just have to dry my hair and get dressed.”

Jinki’s eyes snap to the movement as if pulled by a string, face heating at every flex of Jonghyun’s torso as he rubs at his hair. He tries to keep his attention up, on Jonghyun’s face, or the little mole that rests between his collarbones, but the trail of dark hair leading from Jonghyun’s stomach to the towel around his hips keeps pulling it downwards.

Jinki clears his throat and forces himself to look up, only to flush brightly when his eyes meet Jonghyun’s. He jumps for the first excuse he can think of for staring. “How is it that you work out more than I do, when I’m an idol?”

Jonghyun laughs, a pleased smile on his lips. “You’re dancing all the time, you don’t need to.”

“Yeah, but that’s cardio. You obviously lift, which I haven’t really done much.” Jinki sighs. “And Minho’s convinced they’ll want us to go shirtless for our next concept. I don’t think I’ll do it, but I’ll still probably show my arms and shoulders more…”

“Hm.” Jonghyun’s eyes scan down Jinki’s body. “You already have a good build right now.”

Jinki flushes. “You think so?”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun says. “I mean, if you’re worried, you could always come work out with me – I’ve been skipping way too many days to hang out with you since your rehearsals have started slowing down.”

Jinki laughs. “I’ll think about it – I’m just not sure I’d want to spend the time. I enjoy doing nothing too much.”

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Jonghyun grins. “Let me get dressed so we can get to drinking and doing nothing.”

Jonghyun clutches his towel to keep it from falling as he walks back towards his room. Before he slips inside, he gestures for Jinki to follow, apparently not wanting to end their conversation. Jinki stops, hesitating at the threshold of the door until laughs. “You can come in, I’ll be dressing in the bathroom. There’s nothing in here but my clothes and a bed.”

 _That’s the problem,_ Jinki thinks when he steps inside. _My imagination has been bad enough without the details._

Even with that in mind, Jinki can’t help but look around the room while Jonghyun files through his closet. At least it keeps him from staring at Jonghyun while he’s shirtless.

The walls of Jonghyun’s room are dark, and the furniture is modern, the same simple mix of white and black that Jonghyun had used to decorate the rest of his apartment. An assortment of candles rests along the shaded window, with a select few placed on a small bedside table and the small set of dressers opposite the bed. If it were anyone else’s room, Jinki might snicker at the deliberate sensuousness of the decorations, but in Jonghyun’s, it just makes him smile as he imagines Jonghyun humming to himself as he pens new lyrics in the candlelight.

“Sorry again for making you wait,” Jonghyun says, interrupting the image when he turns away from the closet back to Jinki. He throws a pair of jeans and a shirt over his shoulder and retreats to the bathroom. “I’ll be right back, just have to put clothes on.”

“Sure,” Jinki says, throat tight as he watches Jonghyun leave.

The door clicks behind him, and he looks away from it quickly, unable to face it when he knows Jonghyun would be naked behind it.

He turns back to the rest of the bedroom. With Jonghyun no longer the center of his attention, Jinki’s focus automatically shifts to the single point of color in the room, a large but simply composed photo resting on the mantle above the faux fireplace. The sunset shade of orange that predominates the image adds to the relaxing atmosphere of the room, but the subject of the photograph makes Jinki’s heart race.  

The picture is nearly close enough for Jinki to touch, but he has to do a double take of the image to believe what he sees – the frame is predominated by the bare back of a shirtless man, resting on his elbow as he looks at what appears to be another topless man opposite him. After looking over his shoulder to make sure Jonghyun hasn’t left the bathroom yet, Jinki steps closer to the picture and squints at the corner to read what he assumes to be a title: _boys._

Jinki swallows. His English isn’t the best, but he can understand _that_. His thoughts race ahead of him. Did the picture mean something? There’s hoping, and there’s being desperate, but…an image like that isn’t the kind of photograph he would expect to find as a centerpiece in a straight man’s bedroom.

Jinki jumps away from the piece when the bathroom door swings open, turning quickly to Jonghyun and putting on an innocent smile – he hopes he doesn’t look guilty.

Jonghyun grins back at him. “I told you I wouldn’t take long, but I decided to wear my contacts today, and that was a bit of a struggle. You all ready to go?”

Jinki nods absently, still preoccupied with his thoughts.

“Let’s go then, I don’t want to miss getting a good table.” Jonghyun walks backwards toward the door, pointing at Jinki in challenge. “I’m going to beat you at billiards tonight, you should watch out.”

Jinki shoves Jonghyun’s shoulder, sending him stumbling. Falling back into their usual teasing should keep from thinking any longer about the photograph on the mantle. But when Jonghyun asks him to shut the door behind him, he steals one last glance, pausing to take imprint the bare shoulders of the boys into his memory.

It doesn’t feel real. He can’t shake the feeling that tomorrow he’ll doubt he saw it at all.

 

***

  
realjonghyun85: Hello~ Hello~

majingki: …Hyung

majingki: How long are you going to use that joke TT

realjonghyun85: Until you make me stop!!

majingki: Well, I couldn’t do that to you he he

majingki: I’m too happy you like the song that much ^^

majingki: You’ve played it a few times on Blue Night already, right?

realjonghyun85: Of course I’ve played it!!

realjonghyun85: My songs are still on that album too…

realjonghyun85: Promoting it benefits us both he he

majingki: You’re so greedy hyung

realjonghyun85: Only because I want to buy you meals~

realjonghyun85: But you know I’m playing

majingki: I can always tell ^^

majingki: How are you hyung?

majingki: I’ve barely gotten to talk to you since our repackage promotions started TT

majingki: I miss you

realjonghyun85: I’m good

realjonghyun85: And I’ve missed you too Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: But you’re nearly done, right?

realjonghyun85: So we can meet more? ^^

majingki: Yeah we’re nearly done with our repackage

majingki: But I’m actually still kind of busy TT

realjonghyun85: Oh?

majingki: We’re preparing something big…

majingki: I’m really excited for it

reajonghyun85: Something big?

realjonghyun85: Why are you being so vague…

realjonghyun85: Are you going to tell me what it is???

majingki: Hm…

majingki: Not sure

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah TT

realjonghyun85: Please?

majingki: No ^^

realjonghyun85: You can’t just leave me hanging like that TT

realjonghyun85: You have to tell me!

majingki: Of course I’ll tell you eventually

majingki: But I’d rather tell you in person

majingki: I want to see your face when I do~

realjonghyun85: Hmph, fine TT

realjonghyun85: I’ll wait till then

realjonghyun85: But I’m not buying you anything until you tell me what it is!

majingki: Really hyung … you would blackmail me like that? TT

realjonghyun85: It’s not blackmail, it’s incentive

realjonghyun85: So you should tell me whatever it is the first time we meet again ^^

realjonghyun85: You want something delicious?

realjonghyun85: You’re hungry after your promotions, right? How about steak?

majingki: Fine hyung … I’ll tell you right away when I see you

majingki: Let’s meet soon

majingki: I really do want to tell you ^^

 

***

 

“You’re having a concert?” Jonghyun blinks at him, excitement already bubbling through from under his shock. “Seriously? SHINee’s first concert?”

“Our first concert,” Jinki repeats with a grin, leaning over the table to whisper. “The first show will be in Japan, the day after Christmas.”

“In Japan?” Jonghyun’s eyes widen as he takes in the information. “Not here?”

“I don’t really get it myself.” Jinki shrugs and sits back in his seat. “I’m sure some people aren’t going to like it, but I guess it kind of makes sense. We’re launching our Japanese debut right after, and it’s a good way to start things off.”

“Mm.” Jonghyun’s finger runs a slow circle around his drink. “I keep forgetting that’s coming up…or I’m trying to forget about it.” Jonghyun sighs. “Even though you’re usually busy, I’ve gotten used to having you around, you know? I don’t know what I’ll do with myself.”

“Yeah,” Jinki agrees in a quiet mumble. The excited buzz that had carried between them dampens, and Jinki watches glumly as Jonghyun traces his eyes absently around the restaurant. The pessimistic part of him is already convinced that leaving will put Jonghyun in the perfect position to find a girlfriend. Spending nearly a year away from home for their new Japanese promotions would be hard enough without that worry hanging over his head.

Thankfully, Jonghyun cuts the silence short. “Come on, let’s not make this sad just because of what will come after – you brought good news. Your first concert! Am I going to have to fight for tickets, or are you going to get me some?”

Jinki tilts his head, confused. “Tickets…for the concert in Japan?”

“I can afford to go,” Jonghyun says with a shrug. “I’ll just fly out and book a hotel for the weekend. Unless you’d rather me not?”

“No, it’s not that. We’re just having Seoul concerts a few days later, and those would be easier for you to get to.”

“But the one in Japan is special, isn’t it?” Jonghyun grins. “I figured you’d be having one here too, but I’d rather go to your first.”

Jinki smiles. He doesn’t want to encourage Jonghyun to spend that kind of money, but he’s having a hard time hiding that he’s pleased. “You’re sure, hyung?”

“I’m really sure.” Jonghyun reaches over the table to squeeze his shoulder. “Besides, I have a new reputation as a fan to maintain.”

Jinki raises an eyebrow. “You’re really getting invested in that, huh?”

“Of course,” Jonghyun says. He leans forward, looking around the near-empty bar before he switches his voice to a dramatic whisper. “So, about getting a ticket…”

“I’ll get you one, I promise.” Jinki pushes him back with a wide grin. “You’ll just have to worry about getting there.”

 

***

  
Exhaustion weighs on Jinki’s bones the moment he opens his eyes to his blaring phone alarm. His knees are still protesting from the test of their stage entrance, and his arms are sore from the fall he had to break when someone had left a cord in a dark corner of the stage – but it’s not enough to keep him buried under the covers. The excitement of the upcoming concert takes the edge off his aches, and the knowledge that Jonghyun would be meeting him that morning has him jump out of bed to claim the shower before Kibum can even grab his toiletry bag.

After a quick rinse-off, Jinki rushes through drying his hair and doesn’t bother to style it with more than a brief comb-through. That would be taken care of by professionals later, anyways, and he doesn’t want to missing a minute with Jonghyun. He needs to make the most of the time he has left with Jonghyun before the months where his schedule will force them apart.

Jinki takes the elevator down the ground floor and steals a bench in the lobby. His leg bounces impatiently as he waits. A variety of guests filter in and out from the doors at the entrance, smiles and travel-worn frowns peaking out over their high collars and bundled scarfs that protect them from the chilly weather. Gusts of wind slip inside to his seat on the bench, and he shivers, readjusting his jacket as he peers out at the crowds. Jonghyun had said he’d get here about now…

A familiar leather jacket catches his eye, and he stands up, squinting through the small crowd at the entrance until he recognizes Jonghyun. When their eyes meet, Jonghyun’s lips pull into a grin. He pushes through the crowd, rushing meet Jinki at the bench, and stops just in front of him to catch his breath. “See? Told you I’d make it.”

“I never doubted that you’d show.”  Jinki pulls Jonghyun into a hug. When he starts to pull back, he sees that the bags under Jonghyun’s eyes are deeper than ever, and he can’t resist chastising him. “You didn’t sleep at all, did you, hyung? You just stayed up all night before your flight.”

Jonghyun shrugs. “I’ll have plenty of time to sleep today while you’re busy with rehearsals. I love Tokyo, but I’ve been here enough that I don’t need to do sightseeing anymore.”

“If you say so,” Jinki says. He narrows his eyes when Jonghyun covers a yawn against his shoulder before stepping out of his arms. “…Just try not to fall asleep over breakfast, alright?”

“I won’t, trust me! I’m starving. And I’m craving pancakes.” Jonghyun fixes his bag over his shoulder and peers around the lobby. “Do you know where the restaurant is? They should have pancakes there…I did some research on the trip over.”

“Yeah, we ate there last night – I’ll lead you there,” Jinki says, eager to get out of the crowded lobby and sit so they can talk properly. Grabbing Jonghyun by the elbow, he steers him towards the restaurant, keeping his head down when they weave around the gathering bundle of travelers by the check out desk. He’d been so preoccupied with the thought of meeting Jonghyun he’d forgotten how public a hotel lobby could be, and he doesn’t want to risk running into a group of fans without a translator to turn them away kindly.

Thankfully, they reach the restaurant without interference, and Jinki greets the waitress with his name and the time of the reservation he had booked last night.

“Wow, you planned ahead.” Jonghyun’s eyes crinkle in amusement, and he nods at where Jinki’s fingers are still wrapped around his sleeve. “That excited to have me here, huh?”

Jinki snaps his hand back quickly, but can’t fight the flush that blooms on his cheeks. He doesn’t know why, but something about seeing Jonghyun in a new place is making it harder to keep his feelings in check and his hands to himself. His balance is thrown off, and in the lobby of the foreign hotel, the only tether to his usual life in Seoul is the pleasant buzz in his chest when he looks at Jonghyun. It’s hard not to cling to that.

Now overly conscious of his movements, Jinki makes sure to leave extra space behind Jonghyun when he follows him to their seats. Jonghyun is his friend, and nothing more, so he needs to act like it – he doesn’t have liquor as an excuse this time, and he doesn’t want to ruin the memories of his first concert for a feeling he’s already gotten used to ignoring.

But at the first smile Jonghyun gives him from across the table, Jinki’s resolve weakens, and he smiles back despite the pinch it causes his heart.

After the waitress takes their orders, he places his hand near Jonghyun’s to make sure he has his attention. “Thank you for coming to our concert. You know I wouldn’t mind if you went to the one in Seoul instead, but you still came all this way…it means a lot.”

“I wouldn’t want to miss your group’s first solo concert, Jinki-yah. It’s worth it to me.” Jonghyun leans forward and raises a brow. “And besides, I’ve heard rumors that you’ll be singing some of my songs.”

Jinki huffs and props up in front of his face to keep Jonghyun from reading his expression. “I’m not telling you _anything_ , hyung. I want all the songs to be a surprise – it’ll be more exciting that way.”

With a single finger, Jonghyun reaches across the table and tips down the front of Jinki’s menu to stare at him until he’s forced to look away to keep from laughing. Jonghyun grins victoriously. “Yeah, I can tell you’re doing a song or two of mine. You’re horrible at keeping things a secret.”

“I’d say I’m good at it, actually.” Jinki snaps his menu back up to hide his smile. Though Jonghyun probably expects that them to do one of the ballads he wrote for their last album – and they were – he probably wouldn’t expect Jinki’s solo song to be a cover of a song he wrote for a different artist years ago. That was going to be a surprise, he’s sure.

The waitress returns a short moment later with their drinks and pancakes, and Jonghyun thanks her briefly. “How are you enjoying Japan? Are all the concert preparations going well?”

“We haven’t really gotten to see much of Japan yet, we’re too busy,” Jinki says. “And rehearsals are exhausting, but I’m not really noticing it as much as I thought I would. I’m too excited we’re finally having a concert. I’m more bothered at spending Christmas night alone for another year…they always plan things right around it. I’d like to at least go see some lights or get a cake.”

“You won’t be alone though, right?” Jonghyun asks, plopping the strawberry perched atop his pancake into his mouth. “You’ll probably still be rehearsing with your members.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Jinki frowns as he drenches his pancake in syrup. “But that’s pretty much the same thing as spending it alone, you know?”

Jonghyun snickers. “Really? Spending Christmas with four handsome men can’t be that bad, can it?”

Jinki freezes with his fork in his mouth. He stares at Jonghyun, then glances away, trying not to look uncomfortable as he hurries to finish chewing. It’s a joke, he knows – Jonghyun had laughed while saying it – but his pulse is still racing at the mere possibility that some part of him had given his sexuality away.

“Sorry, that was a bad joke, wasn’t it?” Jonghyun covers his mouth with his hand and clears his throat. “I shouldn’t try and be funny when I’m really tired. And the last person I talked to was my sister, and you know I have no filter around her.”

“It’s fine.” Jinki shrugs, trying not to read too much into the wording of Jonghyun’s apology. “I’m not offended.“

Jonghyun looks up from his plate, stare suddenly serious. "You’re really not?”

“Not at all.” Jinki fiddles with his napkin in his lap to avoid Jonghyun’s gaze. It’s irrational, he knows, but he’s afraid if Jonghyun looks at him for too long he’ll realize the flush on the back of his neck is because the joke hit a little _too_ close to home. Everything about the way Jonghyun had said his last question made it sound like a test.

Jinki fumbles for a change of subject. “So, hyung…you’re heading back to Seoul right after the concert?”

“Yeah, the morning after.” Jonghyun sighs. “I won’t be able to go to your concert there, unfortunately. It cuts too close to Blue Night, and we’re doing a New Year’s special, and I have to do it live.”

“That’s fine, hyung. You coming here is more than enough. But you’re at least coming to the afterparty, right?”

Jonghyun blinks. “Am I allowed to?”

“Of course you are! I’m inviting you.” Jinki smiles. “I already told them I’d have a friend coming. My parents are going to the Seoul concert, so it really isn’t a problem.”

“I’ll be there, then.” Jonghyun grins. “I can’t stay too late, but I don’t want to miss seeing you all excited after your concert…I’m sure that’ll be fun.”

 

***

  
Somehow, the lights in the hallways backstage feel brighter than the ones they had performed under. Jinki blinks away his last image of the crowd as he tries to adjust to the glaring white walls and drags a sniffling Kibum along with him back to the dressing room. 

  
After bowing at a dozen staff members, they finally reach the quiet room, and Jinki pulls the rag out of his pocket to dab at the the tears still on Kibum’s cheeks. “You going to be alright, Kibum? Don’t cry too hard, we have to sing again in a few days.”

“I’m fine…just happy we made it here.” Kibum laughs and wipes at his eyes. “Shit, I hate crying like this.”

“We deserve to get a little teary.” Jinki squeezes his shoulder. “Better to get it out now than when we’re celebrating.”

“Yeah. I still can’t believe we–” Kibum yelps when Minho and Jino suddenly surge up behind him with linked arms and grapple him until he’s forced into the middle of their hug. With little luck, he tries to squirm out of it, but only manages to pop his head up from between them with a scowl. “What the _hell_ is your problem?”

“You’re crying so much, we wanted to comfort you.” Kibum’s expression softens slightly, and Minho lets him go with a grin. “We’re going to sneak out the back soon with the managers. They already reserved that restaurant for us, so we just have to get in the van.”

“It’s gonna be great.” Jino swings out of their huddle, but keeps one arm around Minho’s waist. “We’re going to drink _so_ much.”

“Hopefully.” Jinki pulls out his phone and immediately pulls up his chat with Jonghyun. “We’re going to the same restaurant they were talking about last night, right? I wanted to invite Jonghyun along with us.”

“Yeah, it’s that one.” Jino leans towards Jinki’s phone to try and get a peak of his screen, but gives up when Jinki tilts it away. He sighs. “I still can’t believe he came out all the way to Japan for our show, even if we are doing some of his songs. How’d you get him to do that?”

“You know we’re friends…it’s not like I had to drag him here or anything,” Jinki says, trying not to flush. “Working with SM just opened up a lot of opportunities for him, so probably means a lot to him that we were doing his songs live.”

“Well, we’ll sing them again for him once we’re drunk. He’ll never get a show like that in our concerts.”

Jinki rolls his eyes, choosing to ignore that comment when he hears a ping from his phone to let him know that Jonghyun has responded. With the verification that Jonghyun will meet him there shortly, he tucks his phone away and allows the other members to drag him away to the van. 

  
As the adrenaline of their concert fades from his system on the ride to the restaurant, his nerves take over, and a part of him begins to worry that Jonghyun hadn’t yet given his opinion of the concert for a reason. What if he didn’t like the arrangement they’d used of his songs? Or thought Jinki breathed in the wrong parts? Or that his voice was too warm for the old song he’d chosen? 

  
By the time they arrive, Jinki’s palms are sweating, and he grabs the first seat he sees that will give him a good view of the entrance. Taemin sits next to him and chatters away, apparently not noticing Jinki’s nerves or the fact he keeps one eye on the door, but his presence is comforting enough that when Jonghyun finally arrives, Jinki manages to greet him with a smile.

Jonghyun pulls off his hat and gives him a small wave, then circles his way around the table to say hello to the other members and staff. After finishing his last introduction, he pushes his way back to Jinki to squeeze into the seat across him. “Looks like everyone already got started with the drinking, huh?”

“Most of us, yeah.” Jinki reaches for the nearest bottle. “You want me to pour you one, hyung?”

“Sure, thanks.” Jonghyun unwraps his scarf and pulls off his jacket. “Hopefully it’ll warm me up. It’s about to snow outside, I can feel it.”

“It’ll help.” Jinki keeps his eyes on the cup as he pours out the drink, still nervous – Jonghyun still hasn’t said a word about the concert. When Jonghyun’s fingers brush against his as he takes the cup, his stomach does an extra flip, and he finally meets Jonghyun’s eyes with a heated flush across his cheeks.

“Sorry for not talking about the concert yet, I wanted to wait to see you in person–” Jonghyun turns his head to take the drink in one quick swallow, then sets down the empty cup and grins widely. “You were amazing. The whole concert was incredible. I might have cried a little, at the end…and when you did my song. You didn’t warn me about that.”

Jinki shrugs, trying to play it off, and refills his glass for him. “I figured you’d know, since it was one of the ballads, and you already guessed that we’d be doing it.”

“I expected you to sing one of my songs from the last album, yeah – and you did really well at that – but you know I mean the one you did for your solo. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Oh, that one…” Jinki bites his lip. He’s been anxious to hear Jonghyun’s reaction to that one the most. “Did I pull it off well?”

“I loved it.” Jonghyun beams at him. “I really never imagined you singing Love Belt, since I wrote it before I thought I had a shot at working with SM artists, but it was a perfect fit for your voice. You should have asked me before using it, though.”

“Why? Are you going to sue me for it, hyung?” Jinki teases.

Jonghyun laughs. “No, of course not. I’m honored you did it. I just wish you had given me the chance to make a special arrangement for you.”

"Next time, maybe?”  Jinki smiles, heart fluttering when their gazes lock, but his attention bounces quickly back to the table when he sees his drink move. He frowns at the hand on the glass, recognizing it as Taemin’s, and pushes it back.  "Really, Taemin? You’re going to steal my drink while I’m distracted?“

"If you’re not going to drink it, I don’t see why I can’t,” Taemin says. “You let me drink back at home sometimes.”

“Yeah, but that’s different – we’re in a different country right now. I don’t want to start our Japanese debut with a drinking scandal,” Jinki says, fully aware that Jonghyun’s watching the exchange. He’s not sure if the amused smile Jonghyun’s wearing is for him, or for Taemin, but seeing it softens him up – it probably wouldn’t hurt if he let Taemin drink a little.

Jinki sighs and pushes the glass a subtle inch over towards Taemin. “I changed my mind – you can have some. Just don’t make yourself sick.”

“I won’t.” Taemin grabs the glass with a grin. After turning his head to drink, he sets the now-empty glass on the table with a loud clink and coughs, mouth staying open as his face puckers from the bitter taste.

When Jonghyun laughs, Jinki grimaces, already regretting his decision. “Please don’t drink at that rate. You’ll definitely get sick.”

“I’m just trying to catch up with everyone else.” Taemin huffs. “I drink almost as well as you do.”

Jinki rolls his eyes, but decides not to dignify that with a response. He doesn’t want to open up a chance for Jonghyun to talk about the times he hasn’t handled his liquor as well as he’d promised. As if reading his thoughts, Jonghyun smiles at him knowingly from across the table and pushes his own glass towards Taemin. “Here, you can have mine too. I just realized I probably shouldn’t have much since I have an early flight tomorrow.”

Taemin smiles, voice as polite as he can seem as he snatches up the glass before Jonghyun can change his mind. “Thank you, Jonghyun-ssi.”

Jonghyun shakes his head. “You don’t need to be formal, since I’m close to Jinki. You can call me hyung.“

A spike of jealousy stabs at Jinki’s gut. He pushes his foot against Jonghyun’s under the table. "Hyung, do you want to go outside?”

A shout as Minho bests yet another manager at arm-wrestling snaps Jonghyun’s attention away from him just as he blurts out his question. He blinks widely, then turns back to Jinki with an apologetic smile on his lips. “Sorry, what were you saying? It’s a bit hard to hear.”

Jinki flushes. Somehow having to repeat himself makes asking Jonghyun for a moment alone seem more serious than he had meant it to be. “I was wondering if you want to head outside for a bit? I know it’s pretty loud in here, and I kind of want to see the city…”

“That sounds good.” Jonghyun looks at him warmly and reaches back to grab his jacket. “A walk would be nice, and we can grab some street food. I’ll slip out ahead of you.”

Nodding in agreement, Jinki mumbles an excuse about the restroom to his manager and grabs his own jacket and scarf. Bundling them until he can hide them behind his back, he waits for the clamor on the other end of the table to distract the last of their managers before slipping outside.

When Jinki opens the door and steps outside, Jonghyun looks up from tugging on his gloves. “Not bringing anyone else?”

“No…” Jinki trails off shyly and begins to put on his jacket. “I kind of wanted some time alone.”

Jonghyun laughs and steps away from entrance, putting them out of view from the inside. “A little tired of your members?”

“A bit, and I’ll be stuck with them for the next few months.” Jinki grins guiltily. “I’ve had enough of them in the past few days alone.”

"I can imagine, with rehearsals and everything. But it paid off, didn’t it? Your concert was incredible.”

“You’ve said that already.” Jinki laughs laughs as he pulls up his face mask.

“It’s worth repeating.” Jonghyun begins to walk, leading the way down the street towards a long line of food stalls. “It was really nice to hear you all sing the song I wrote live.”

“You’ve said that already too, when we were in the restaurant with Taemin.”

“Yeah, well – I wrote it with your voice in mind, and you’re my friend. So it means a little more just saying it to you.”

Jinki stops in the middle of the sidewalk. “You wrote it for my voice?”

“I mean – I considered the other members too,” Jonghyun waves his hands defensively as he corrects his statement. “But you have a really distinct color to your voice, you know? It makes sense to focus on that when composing. Haven’t I said that before?”

“Kind of, I guess,” Jinki mumbles. “Maybe I’m just processing it differently because I’m drunk…”

Jonghyun laughs and wraps an arm around his shoulders, squeezing him tight enough for Jinki to feel it even through the thick wool of his jacket. “I know you’re not _that_ drunk, Jinki-yah – you didn’t drink at all after I got there, and your tolerance is way too high for you have gotten drunk before I did.”

“Maybe.” Jinki leans into the warmth of the contact just before Jonghyun lets go and sighs. He wishes he had gotten to drink more before they left, but he didn’t trust himself to mix post-concert adrenaline and alcohol around Jonghyun – considering they were alone now, he probably would have wound up doing something stupid.

“Is there anything you want to try?”  Jonghyun says, interrupting his thoughts. “I’ll buy you something, since your managers covered all the food in the restaurant. I think you’ll really like yakitori.”

“Funny, hyung.” Jinki rolls his eyes. “I know that’s chicken.”

“Well, do you want it or not?”

Jinki bites his lip and looks into the small little alley. Even out here, he can smell the food, which is more than tempting – he’d only managed to get down small one plate of appetizers at the bar before he had jumped at the chance to sneak away with Jonghyun.

Jonghyun already looks triumphant before he opens his mouth, and Jinki sighs, knowing he’s only adding to the long list of times he’s chosen his favorite food over trying anything radically new. “That sounds good, hyung. You lead the way.”

“I thought so.” Jonghyun bumps his shoulder against Jinki’s before stepping into the alleyway. As he walks ahead, he hums the last song from the concert, and there’s a small smile on his lips when he ends it just as they arrive to the food stall.

Inside the tarped entrance, there’s not much room for space between them. The heat from the grill makes Jinki sweat under his bundled clothing the moment they step inside, but it’s a welcome relief from the chill of outdoors. Jonghyun orders for them both smoothly in Japanese and pays, nodding politely and passing over his change when the cook hands them their plates.

Jinki waits until Jonghyun passes him the skewers to switch back to Korean. “You speak Japanese, hyung?”

“Just enough to get around,” Jonghyun says, smiling widely at Jinki’s shocked expression and picks up a skewer for himself and pulls a small piece of the chicken from the skewer with his teeth. “I’m not fluent enough to write lyrics in Japanese, but I can sell my songs here.”

“You could have helped me with some of it before I came here. You know how bad I am with languages…”

Jonghyun laughs, covering his mouth. “Would you really want to spend our time doing that? Instead of drinking and everything else?”

“I guess not,” Jinki admits. He pouts until Jonghyun gives a nudge that lingers long enough to feel more like he’s being leaned on.

His heart flutters light in his chest when Jonghyun finally pulls back to smile at him. He doesn’t think Jonghyun had anything to drink – he hadn’t seen him order a single beer – but this is touchier than he usually is sober, and it only makes him want more. Jinki takes advantage of the cramped space to press their knees together under the counter as they finish off their meal, and Jonghyun seems to accept that, because there’s a hand on his knee a minute later that feels warm enough to burn his skin all the way up to his cheeks.

There’s no excuse to linger after their plates are taken back from them, but Jinki is reluctant to give up the contact. He keeps himself close to Jonghyun when they finally squeeze out of the stall and back into the alley, and his fingers dance nervously in his pocket when they turn onto the street and he stays just as close, shoulder half-brushing against Jonghyun with every step. He waits for a question, or for Jonghyun to move into the new space in the sidewalk, but all he gets is shy smile that strikes him quiet as they continue to back out to the street.

Neither of them mention heading back. Jonghyun walks them in circles around the same two blocks, humming an unfamiliar melody that Jinki assumes is a work in progress. There’s words stuck in Jinki’s throat – words he can’t say, like how Jonghyun’s hair looks beautiful in the mix of moon and street lights, and words he can, like how much he’ll miss him and how he’ll text him often – but there’s not nearly enough need to express them to force them past his throat.

All they’ll have over the next few months is talking to each other, and what he’ll miss the most is the simple presence of Jonghyun besides him. He has that now, and he doesn’t want to disturb it.

When a snowflake lands on his nose, leaving it cold and wet, Jinki stops. He reaches up to feel his hat, yanking his hand away when he feels that some of the knit is already damp. “How long has it been snowing? I somehow didn’t realize…”

“Damn, is it? I wanted to stay out a little more.” Jonghyun looks up at the sky and sighs. “I guess we should take you back to the restaurant, then…I don’t want you getting sick before the Seoul concerts.”

Jinki buries his face down in his scarf, hiding a frown. He wants to argue that he’ll be fine, but he already knows he wouldn’t win – Jonghyun is too much of a worrier to let him risk his voice for a few extra minutes together. He exhales loudly in annoyance. “Do you remember the way back?”

“Yeah, I led us around the same routes for a reason,” Jonghyun says. “I know how easily I can get lost.”

They head backwards along the same path they’d been traced several times now, until Jonghyun changes a single turn to bring them back to the restaurant.

“Here it is.” Jonghyun says. He pulls his phone out his pocket and dials a number. “You can head inside, I’m calling a cab to take me back to my hotel. It shouldn’t be too long of a wait.”

“No, I don’t want you waiting out here alone,” Jinki says. He crosses his arms and joins Jonghyun by the curbside. “It’s too late for me to just leave you here.”

Jonghyun opens his mouth to protest, but decides against it when the service he’d been calling finally picks up. After giving his current location and the name of his hotel, he hangs up the phone and sighs. “If you insist on staying with me, I won’t stop you. Just go inside if your throat starts hurting, okay?.”

“Sure, hyung,” Jinki agrees, attention already on the street.

At every cab that passes, Jinki’s heart clenches, expecting each to be the one that will take Jonghyun away from him for the night. When he finally takes his eyes away from the traffic to glance at Jonghyun, he freezes, caught off guard.

There’s an expectant look to Jonghyun. Judging by the fact his eyes didn’t have to move at all to meet Jinki’s, he must have already been staring, and his lips are pursed, hands shoved fully into his pockets as he blinks away the snow dusting in his eyelashes.

He smiles warmly, half-shy, and Jinki smiles back. Jinki’s stomach flutters with hope – he’s never seen Jonghyun smile quite like _that_ before – but it twists into a bitter knot before he can even think to do something with the emotion.

He tears his eyes away, biting his lip as he tries to gather himself again.

If he were a girl, he wouldn’t hesitate to confess to Jonghyun, and he’s even considering it still – it’s heavy on his tongue, held back only by a fear of what he might lose if he says them – but he can’t say a thing.

He forces himself to meet Jonghyun’s eyes again, and this time, the smile Jonghyun gives him is stiff.

Jinki’s heart tightens again, and he tries to console himself with what he already has. At least he can enjoy the longing. At least he’s able to stand two-feet away from the man that makes him consider the possibility of risking his career.

At least he doesn’t have to worry about rejected, since he’ll never try.

He’s pulled away from his thoughts when Jonghyun inhales sharply and rocks back on his heels. “So, uh – how long till I see you again?”

“We’ll be back for our Seoul concerts, and I’m staying with my family for a bit.” Jinki says. He looks down at Jonghyun’s feet as he kicks them against the sidewalk. “But then we have recordings, and photoshoots, and interviews…a bunch of performances, too. It’s kind of like we’re debuting all over again, so we’ll be busy.”

“Ah.” Jonghyun bites his lip. “It’ll really be a while till you’re back then, huh?”

Jinki nods. He’s tried not to think about it or put it into numbers – he hasn’t wanted to imagine going so long without seeing Jonghyun in person, and he hasn’t wanted to imagine what Jonghyun might do with his time instead – but it really will be months.

A taxi pulls up besides the curb. Jinki’s heart stops. And suddenly, there’s arms around him, and he’s being squeezed from all sides as Jonghyun wraps around him in a tight embrace.

“You keep reading, alright? Don’t forget the books I brought you. I’ll send you more if you get through them.”

Jinki laughs, grinning wide to keep himself from tearing up. “Yes, teacher.”

“Don’t be a smart ass,” Jonghyun grumbles. He pulls back and forces out a smile as his hands linger on Jinki’s arms. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Me too,” Jinki chokes out. He doesn’t trust himself with more words when Jonghyun’s eyes are already brimming.

Jonghyun lets go, and steps into the open door of the cab.

“It’ll only be a few months,” Jinki says, hoping to lift the heaviness already weighing down on his chest.

“Yeah.” Jonghyun nods and climbs into the back of the cab, now avoiding Jinki’s eyes. He dabs at his own with the sleeve that peeks through the end of his jacket.  "Good luck with your concerts and your Japanese debut, Jinki-yah.“

“Thanks.”

The door of the cab snaps shut. Jinki bites his lip and steps back. The car takes off in an instant, and he watches the red lights of the cab with a hole in his chest until it disappears out of view.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this part is thru the beginning of japanese promotions. i tried to make jongyu’s conversation on blue night kinda imitate [ this one with kim yeon woo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbEvCxWiJ3A&index=1&list=PLkWF-EarygSXRQ_SvDjl7_vQETBL_2KI1). if anything, i toned it down a bit because i was worried it’d come off too forward for these two. ^^;

The trip back to Seoul barely feels like coming home. Between concert preparations and the concerts themselves, Jinki barely has time to breathe, and even the first day he gets to spend with his parents is spent sleeping more than catching up. When he finally manages to find the energy to leave his old bedroom and head downstairs, his mom makes a big show of cooking him a meal, fussing over every dish and making double batches to make sure he gets enough.

Jinki hovers  at the entrance to the kitchen as she works. The smell of spices drifts around him as he takes the opportunity to breathe in the familiar scents.

She peeks her head out of the kitchen. “You have enough rest to join us for dinner tonight?”

When Jinki nods, his mom smiles, an extra pep in her movements as she stirs the pot on the stove. “I’d hoped cooking something fresh would wake you up. There’s leftovers from dinner last night since you slept through it, but I didn’t want you to have those for your first real meal here.”

“It smells wonderful,” Jinki says, stomach grumbling at the sight of the numerous dishes already on the stove. Coming home so rarely meant his mom had to fit all of her mothering into a short window of time, and he had learned over the years that just letting her spoil him freely was easier than trying to stop her.

“Doesn’t it smell great?” She laughs. “Your dad says I’ve gotten even better.”

Jinki laughs with her. The ever-present invisible weight on his shoulders lightens, and he finds himself sighing as he slumps against the counter. He never realizes how much he’s carrying with him until he comes home, though the relief is the same each time.

“You can go ahead and sit, Jinki, don’t wait for me to finish cooking – I can tell your muscles still need the rest after your concert. I’ll bring the food to you.”

“Alright.” Jinki drags himself out to the dining table and waits. He can’t argue with that when he’s still too tired to want to stand, and it’s only a few minutes before his mother enters the room with an armful of dishes.

“So, Jinki…” She sets an empty plate in front of him as she lays bowls filled with his favorite foods out across the rest of the table.  "You haven’t been visiting us as much this past year.“

Jinki leans back in his seat to read his mother’s expression. Though her eyes are playful as she layers food onto his plate, he can tell there’s a question under the statement.

"I’ve been busier lately,” he answers finally, unable to resist digging through the food on his plate at the same time even after she cocks a brow at him. He picks up a perfectly-cooked piece of beef with an excited hum – all the expensive restaurants in the world couldn’t replace his mom’s cooking – and smiles at her broadly. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Those musicals take a lot of time to practice for, and then I’ve been doing all those TV shows too.”

“And here I was thinking you met a girl.“  His mom’s eyes crinkle when she joins him at the table, resting her chin in her hand. "Sounds like you’re working as hard as always.”

"I don’t have time for dating.” Jinki shrugs. By now, he’s used to dodging that question with his parents, and being an idol has made for an easy excuse ever since he debuted.

“I know you don’t.” His mom purses her lips in disapproval. As supportive as she had been about his dream to be a singer, she always had held a dislike for the industry’s relentless pace. “And if it’s this bad here, even though you debuted years ago, I’m worried they’ll really run you ragged in Japan…”

"It’s really not that bad, really,” Jinki protests. He tries to smile reassuringly. “I still have enough time to meet up with friends, and read, or do whatever else. I’ve even made a new friend this year.”

“Oh?” His mom blinks. “I don’t remember you mentioning anyone. Is he another idol?”

“It, uh, didn’t really come up when we talked,” Jinki says, though that’s a lie – he’d avoided bringing Jonghyun up on purpose, because a part of him had feared talking about him at all would make it all-too-obvious he had a crush – and shoves a mouthful of food in his face to keep from talking.

Of course, his mom picks up on that, and narrows her eyes. “What’s his name?”

“Kim Jonghyun. He’s not an idol, but he wrote some of the songs on our last album and we met through that. I don’t know if you listen to Blue Night, but that’s his show.“

"The one that’s on at midnight? I’ve listened to it a few times, when your father’s snoring wakes me up…” she trails off, forehead wrinkling as she tries to remember more. “He has a pleasant voice, doesn’t he? He seems sensitive and thoughtful, too, if I’m thinking of the right person.”

“Yeah, that’s him,” Jinki agrees, unable to help a smile. Ever since hearing some of the criticism Jonghyun had gotten, he had gained an appreciation for the people who thought well of him, and it feels good to know his mom is one of them. “He’s a really good singer too, though he doesn’t do it professionally. We’ve gone out to karaoke a few times.”

“Well, I’m glad you managed to meet someone new.” She nods. “I was a little worried you would be lonely this year, since most of your old friends are still doing their service, and I know being around your members isn’t the same since they’re all younger. Is Jonghyun your age?”

“He’s a hyung just a little older than me,” Jinki says. “Around four years or so.”

“Well, you have always gotten along better with people older than you anyway,” she says. “I just hope he’s a good influence.”

“He is,” Jinki answers quickly, then turns back to his food. If his mom let him list everything he liked about Jonghyun, it could take hours, and even his mom might be able to that tell that he’s nearly in love with the man after that.

As his mother watches him eat, her lips curve down at the corners in thought. “You keep eating instead of talking about him. I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me about him.”

Jinki gives a closed-lip smile as he tries to finish chewing. He’d failed to realize that omitting too much would look just as suspicious.  He swallows and clears his throat. “It’s not that I’m avoiding anything, really. There’s just not much to say about Jonghyun-hyung – he writes music and hosts his radio show, and we meet up for drinks sometimes. That’s really all our friendship is.”

“Drinking, huh?” his dad interjects loudly from across the room. “Hopefully not too much of that in public.”

Jinki drops his spoon and looks over his shoulder. His dad grins back at him, but he doesn’t let up the glare until his dad places a hand on his shoulder and joins them at the table.

“You _know_ how much it takes me to get drunk, dad – we have the same tolerance, and we both like to drink alone. I barely get drunk anywhere around other people unless it’s at a company party or at Jonghyun’s place.”

"I’m sure _you_ wouldn’t get too wild in public, but I don’t know what he’s like.”

“He’s responsible, don’t worry.” Jinki sighs. Though his parents had always trusted him completely, they never seemed to extend it to anyone else around his age. “He’s a lightweight, but he knows his limits. I’ve never seen him more than a bit tipsy, and he always cuts himself off then.”

“Well, that’s good.” He laughs. “Just be careful if you’re going out with girls or he’s inviting some along. Drinking too much around your mother is why we had you when we did.”

“ _Dad!_ ” Jinki groans, face heating with embarrassment, but his mom slaps his shoulder and giggles.

“He’s only saying that because he avoided his parents when he started dating me, and he was worried you were doing the same. Your father is the one that convinced me you found a girlfriend.”

He looks between both of them, blinking innocently and comically wide. “You mean he’s still hasn’t?”

“I’m not looking for one, dad, and I haven’t. Too busy.”

His dad smiles broadly and drapes an arm over his mother’s back. “When you meet the right woman, you’ll find time to make it work.”

“Yeah, I’ll have my manager add her to my schedule as soon as I meet her.” Jinki crinkles his eyes to make his joke seem genuine and returns to his food.

Thankfully, his parents leave him to it. As always, the moment dinner is done and his dad is home from closing up their butcher shop, they’re completely absorbed in each other. Even with his mood soured by the discussion of his non-existent and never-going-to-happen girlfriend, he can’t help but smile when he sees that their affection is still strong after all these years.

***

The usual camera flashes greet Jinki the moment he leaves the terminal with the rest of the members in Japan, and though he’s used to tuning them out or sending them an occasional smile, they irritate him now. He should be excited about debuting in Japan – he’s more than grateful that they’re big enough to be given the chance to debut in a different market – but he can’t help but wish he was home.

Their first recording is early tomorrow morning, and even though they have an interpreter, he isn’t looking forward to trying to sing in a new studio and through a language barrier. The last time he was in a recording studio, he had been there with Jonghyun, too, and it’s going to be hard _not_ to think of the man when the context is so familiar.

When he gets to their new dorms, he throws down his bags, passes out in the nearest bed to claim it as his own, and that’s the last moment he can really consider himself _relaxed_ before he and the members are swept into the flurry of preparations for their Japanese debut.

Even though he thinks of Jonghyun all through the records, it’s days later (a week later, maybe? He’s not sure) that he remembers his phone died on the second day and he hasn’t checked his messages.

Jinki stumbles blearily through the dark dorm for his charger and plugs into the first outlet he finds, even though it means sitting on the floor as he waits for his phone to power back up. They’ve barely started, and the constant running around of Japanese promotions is killing him – it isn’t as bad as debut, but something about being unable to understand more than a few phrases without having a translator to mediate his every word adds an extra layer of mental exhaustion.

His stomach clenches with guilt when he sees the number _18_ pop up next to Jonghyun’s name.

Opening up his messenger, he prepares himself for the clench that seizes his chest every time he reads through Jonghyun’s texts, only to find that it aches hollow this time. Though Jinki hadn’t responded to a single one, Jonghyun still made an effort to say something to him daily, and it’s hard not to smile at the string of message.

realjonghyun85: Hey Jinki-yah! How’s Japan? ^^

realjonghyun85: I hope you’re getting sleep! And decent cell service, he he

realjonghyun85: You don’t have to respond, I know you’re busy … but at least let me know you’re eating well when you have the chance, okay?

realjonghyun85: Nevermind, I see one of your fansites updated – you look healthy!  I’m glad!

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah, I know you’re busy, but I’m a little worried…

realjonghyun85: Are you okay? I know you were nervous about your Japanese … don’t be too hard on yourself, alright?

realjonghyun85: Drinking is really boring without you, Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: I don’t know how you stand drinking alone

realjonghyun85: I miss you a lo

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah … you can ignore that last message…

realjonghyun85: Not that I don’t miss you! ^^; but, I was just feeling sensitive from drinking…

realjonghyun85: I’m not sure if I should just assume you’re really busy, or worry that Taemin used your phone and lost it…

realjonghyun85: But when you’re back, I better hear that you read one of the books I gave you!

realjonghyun85: That’s the only way I’ll forgive you for ignoring me, got it!?

realjonghyun85: …I’m teasing, of course ^^;

realjonghyun85: Did you get to see the moon last night?

realjonghyun85: It was really pretty … I felt inspired for the first time in a few days

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah, I’ll have a good song for you when you all come back

 

Jinki chews his lip guiltily when he reaches the last message. He _wants_ to respond right now, but it’s already two in the morning, and he knows Jonghyun is likely to be wide-awake for another few hours. He’s not sure he has the courage to message him when it could get an immediate response, after he’d obviously worried him by avoiding him.

But then again – if he doesn’t do it now, when is he going to find the time?

Taking a deep breath, he summons his courage and starts to type.

 

majingki: Jonghyunnie-hyung…

majingki: Are you awake?

majingki: I’m so sorry I missed your messages TT

majingki: We’ve been so busy, I forgot to charge my phone…

majingki: We finished recording today and I just realized it was dead

majingki: I’m really sorry hyung … thank you for messaging me so much

majingki: I seriously miss you a lot

His screen stays blank for a minute, before he hears the ping of a new message.

realjonghyun85: Do you really, Jinki-yah?

majingki: Yes, of course TT I’m so sorry again…

majingki: I really didn’t mean to miss your messages hyung TT

realjonghyun85: I believe you … but you made me worry

realjonghyun85: I was afraid your managers took your phone or something … I’ve heard that idols sometimes aren’t allowed phones during debut

realjonghyun85: I was worried maybe they were doing that for your Japanese debut…

majingki: Don’t worry, I still have my phone … ^^

majingki: Even if they took it, I’d find a way to message you

realjonghyun85: You’d get yourself in trouble for me? He he

realjonghyun85: Be careful with that, Jinki-yah

majingki: You’re my friend, of course I would

majingki: I feel bad I missed talking to you for so long TT

majingki: How have you been doing? We haven’t talked about the holidays at all

realjonghyun85: Ah, yeah … I just spent it with my mom and noona

realjonghyun85: It was a short break, and I’m already tired again now

realjonghyun85: I’ve been doing lots of recordings lately…

realjonghyun85: Though on the other end of things from you he he

realjonghyun85: How about you? Did your Seoul concerts go well?

realjonghyun85: I’m sure they did since it’s you, but I want to hear it ^^

majingki: You’re so confident in me hyung he he

majingki: The concerts went well ^^

majingki: And I finally have some energy to read while traveling instead of sleeping he he

majingki: I haven’t gotten a chance to read, though… what book should I start with?

majingki: I’m sure you’re already reading don’t want to fall behind TT

realjonghyun85: I’ve started the one with the dragon on the front

realjonghyun85: Sodam said it’s my kind of book … and I do like it so far

realjonghyun85: If you want to start another one we can, though you already picked last time

majingki: Yeah, I did… I know you didn’t like it much, sorry ^^;

majingki: So we can do this one then

majingki: But the summary … I’m looking at it now … something about a journey …

majingki: Is this some lord of the rings thing again … ?

realjonghyun85: It’s not!! It’s really not!!

realjonghyun85: I remember you didn’t really like those books!!!

realjonghyun85: You told me the truth when you were drunk and we watched the movies

majingki: Did I? He he

majingki:  Sorry … I wanted to read them for you but they’re just not my thing

realjonghyun85: You’re too nice Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: But I promise this one’s different!! There’s no wars or orcs!!!

realjonghyun85: No long descriptions of nature!!!

realjonghyun85: Just a long journey and adventurers traveling together from what Sodam told me

majingki: …A long journey? Adventurers?

majingki: Hyung, that sounds a lot like lord of the rings

realjonghyun85: It’s not!!! It’s really not Jinki-yah!

realjonghyun85: There’s no elves or dwarves or anything… most of the characters are human

majingki: Mostly human? He he

majingki: Where do you find these books hyung …

realjonghyun85: Don’t be mean TT I told you Sodam recommended it

realjonghyun85: Even if it’s boring, it has to be better than the anatomy book you made us read last…

majingki: Those are really interesting, you know! And I thought it might be useful for you!

majingki: That kind of knowledge helps for weight-lifting, right?

realjonghyun85: Are you saying I look like I don’t know what I’m doing with that … hmph

realjonghyun85: You’ve seen me, right?

majingki: Yeah, I’ve seen you ^^

realjonghyun85: I’m working out even more now too

realjonghyun85: Since we aren’t drinking every other night…

realjonghyun85: Soon I’ll have a dragon ball body he he

majingki: Really hyung? He he

majingki: I guess I’ll see the results when I get back ^^

realjonghyun85: No point in it if I’m not going to show it off, right

realjonghyun85: It’ll be hot then, so I can go sleeveless

majingki: You can go sleeveless now hyung ^^ It’s a pretty warm spring, isn’t it?

realjonghyun85: Maybe~

***

 

 

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah…

realjonghyun85: How are you?

realjonghyun85: How’s Japan??

realjonghyun85: It’s been a few days since we’ve talked … TT

realjonghyun85: At least during your promotions here I could see you often on TV

majingki: Yeah … I’m sorry hyung

majingki: If you miss me that much, you can go through old fansite data? ^^

realjonghyun85: You say that like it’s easy … it can be hard to get to pictures

realjonghyun85: I have to level up more first…

majingki: Level up?

majingki: You actually joined a site??

realjonghyun85: I wanted to see what they were like!!

realjonghyun85: You teased me about following one on twitter, so I might as well join one for real

realjonghyun85: And now I’m like a spy … I’ll be able give you insight on your fans

majingki: So you’re … posing as my fan?

realjonghyun85: What is that “…” for??

realjonghyun85: Sigh …  I’m being too weird, aren’t I…

majingki: It’s not bad ^^

realjonghyun85: Good!!

realjonghyun85: Ah I just remembered

realjonghyun85: I wanted to ask

realjonghyun85: How far are you in that book? Are you liking it?

majingki: Not too far, we’ve been pretty busy TTT

majingki: Working on pronunciation takes forever and I’ve only gotten to read when we’re in the car

majingki: I’m a fourth of the way through

majingki: Are you already done?

realjonghyun85: Ah, yeah … I’m pretty close to the end

realjonghyun85: I’m kind of shocked by what’s happening … I don’t know how my noona found a book like this

majingki: Hyung!!!

majingki: Stop!!!

majingki: Don’t tell me more!!

majingki: I actually want to read it on my own… TT Don’t spoil it

realjonghyun85: Sorry Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: I’m not used to you minding spoilers for fantasy

realjonghyun85: Where are you at then?

majingki: I’m at the part where the adventurers go to the inn bathhouse together

realjonghyun85: Ah… but you’re not done with that scene yet, right?

realjonghyun85: I don’t want to spoil anything … but … it’s okay if you stop reading there

majingki: Uh … why would I stop?

majingki: Does something happen?

realjonghyun85: I just worry it might be awkward

realjonghyun85: My sister didn’t warn me about the book having those things

realjonghyun85: I don’t mind, but I understand if you do ^^;

majingki: What things?

majingki: …Is there a sex scene or something?

majingki: You don’t have to worry about my innocence hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: It’s not a sex scene! You have a dirty mind!

majingki: What else am I supposed to think it is? TT

majingki: You won’t tell me…

realjonghyun85: I know, he he … sorry

realjonghyun85: Um …

realjonghyun85: Where you’re at … the main character starts getting feelings for his guide

realjonghyun85: It’s kind of obvious, too

majingki: Oh

majingki: He does?

realjonghyun85: Yeah

realjonghyun85: Sorry if it’s awkward … ^^;

realjonghyun85: Since they’re both men …

majingki: It’s fine

majingki: I don’t mind it

realjonghyun85: Really?

reajonghyun85: You don’t?

majingki: It’s just a story

realjonghyun85: Yeah…

realjonghyun85: I guess so

majingki: Did you want to stop reading because of that?

realjonghyun85: No, not at all

realjonghyun85: I was only worried how you might react

realjonghyun85: We never talk about that kind of thing, so …

realjonghyun85: I should have known you’d be mature about it though

majingki: Of course ^^

majingki: I’m only a few years younger than you, after all

realjonghyun85: Still, there are people older than you who would be bothered

majingki: Some people are bothered by anyone different

realjonghyun85: Yeah … you’re right

majingki: And it makes sense for them to start liking each other anyway

majingki: Since they’re spending so much time together

majingki: I don’t like romance in stories that feels random

realjonghyun85: He he … that’s very true

realjonghyun85: It feels really natural

majingki: Yeah

realjonghyun85: Being friends first makes more sense

majingki: I think so too

 

***

Jinki slows down to let Minho sling an arm around his shoulders as they walk back off of the filming site for their remake of _Juliette_. Though Minho’s arm is coming from a different height, the gesture somehow still reminds him of Jonghyun, and it only makes it harder not to rush him back to the van. They had managed to wrap up the night-time filming an hour before midnight, and if they get back to their dorm fast enough, Jinki will have just enough time to charge his dead phone and catch Blue Night. He missed the radio show, and though he’d been able to text Jonghyun more often lately, he still hasn’t gotten a chance to sit and listen to his voice since their Japanese promotions had begun.

To Jinki’s relief, the other members pile into the van quickly, in a rush to leave the set and grab their usual post-filming food as fast as possible. The four of them beg their managers into taking them to some restaurant on the other side of the city, which allows Jinki to be dropped off at the dorm along the way.

The fact he’s getting actual _alone_ time doesn’t sink in until he’s in the elevator with nothing but himself and his key card. He sighs and presses his forehead against the cool metal doors. Though a part of him wants to take the time to enjoy more than a quick jerk-off in the shower, he knows he’d regret missing Blue Night. Theoretically, he could do both, but…he hasn’t used Jonghyun’s voice for _that_ purpose since they’d gotten close – it felt weird, somehow, even though his fantasies are still centered on the thought of seducing Jonghyun or that one night of drunken cuddling going further.

He pushes those thoughts away when the elevator doors slide open. He can enjoy them later, if he has the time, but for now, he can at least appreciate that the members can’t tease him for smiling too much while he listens to the show.

Jinki manages to get his phone to turn back on just as the clock hits midnight. He plugs in his headphones quickly, hands fumbling as he rushes to open the radio app to Blue Night, and catches the end of the intro song before he hears Jonghyun’s Blue Night.

“This is Jonghyun at Blue Night.”

It’s what he always begins with, but this time, Jinki’s chest clenches at the introduction. It really has been forever since he’s heard Jonghyun’s voice, and even through the crackle of his headphones, it sounds warm and smooth.

At the first song, Jinki closes his eyes, imagining Jonghyun humming along to the slow tune as it plays in the broadcasting station. He had never gotten a chance to visit Jonghyun at his work before, but he knows Jonghyun can’t resist singing along to whatever music catches his ears, whether he was in public or not, and he imagines the can’t resist joining in even when he’s hosting the radio show.

As if confirming his guess, and Jonghyun hums a repeat of the chorus when the song fades, then laughs at himself lightly. “It’s a good melody to sing along to, right? Simple but pretty. That was Tablo’s new song – I helped him write it, you know. We collaborated.”

Jinki grins at the pride in Jonghyun’s voice. He’d been talking about that song for a while.

“We don’t have a guest on the schedule today, so we’ll be working in a lot of listener questions tonight. I always like hearing what my listeners have to say, so please feel free to send in any thoughts you have.”

Jinki runs his finger around the edge of his phone. He could send a question or a message – Jonghyun would probably like that, especially if he could figure out it sent from him. But would it be more fun to make up an elaborate story, or just send a message as himself to let him know he’s listening?

 _I could ask him about one-sided love_ – _see if he’d want to be confessed, even if there was little chance he would ever like that someone back._

Pressing his the heel of his hands against his eyes, Jinki rolls over onto his stomach. He’s not sure he’d want to hear the answer to that, actually. And it wouldn’t change how he’ll deal with his feelings – even if Jonghyun isn’t bothered by a man loving another man in a story, he can’t imagine he’d be comfortable learning that one of his closest friends had fallen for him.

When he realizes his thoughts have taken him away from the broadcast, Jinki turns up the volume on his phone to get re-absorbed in the show and catches the end of a story. “Well, that was a long one – though we have more time than usual, I don’t think we’ll get through that many messages tonight, if the rest are like that…it looks like everyone is sending in long ones. And there’s a lot more questions about songwriting and music than usual.” He laughs. “Was my last song that popular?”

“Minho loves it,” Jinki responds, as if Jonghyun can hear him. He liked it too, but Jonghyun already knew that.

“Ah, I finally found a short one.” Jonghyun shifts into his reading voice for the question aloud. “’You’ve worked with a lot of idols recently. Are there any that stick out to you as particularly talented, o rany that you’ve gotten close to?’”

Jinki sits up on his elbows, now listening intently

“Idol friends?” Jonghyun pauses to consider it. “It’s hard to make any, the way you would with non-celebrities. They have a different life than us, most of the time, even though they’re people too. They’re always busy with something or another, or they’re traveling, and it’s hard for most of them to go out much without being recognized. But I’ve gotten close to one of them.”

Jinki swallows – he knows, logically, that Jonghyun means him, but at the same time, he can’t help but worry there might be someone else–

"Jinki – ah, sorry, Onew-ssi, from SHINee, is the one I’m closest to. He’s my dongsaeng and I like to treat him to things – we’ve gone out a lot since we met when I was working on his group’s last Korean album. They’re promoting in Japan right now, so we haven’t gotten to see each other for a long time…but we still message each other weekly and share the books we’re reading. Even though he’s far away, I still consider him one of my best friends.” Jonghyun gives a shy laugh that makes Jinki’s heart clench. “Ah, it feels odd saying that on air for some reason…he’s not really the type to openly discuss having such a friendship, and he values his privacy.”

A smile blooms on Jinki’s lips. He hadn’t realized Jonghyun considered them that close. Though he supposes Jonghyun’s actions showed it – Jonghyun _did_ travel to another country just to see his first concert – he had been so casual about it that Jinki was convinced he’d do the same for any other friend.

Jonghyun’s laugh draws his attention back to the radio. “You know, I feel like I should play a SHINee song now. Is that alright? They just rereleased this song as a single in Japanese a few weeks ago, for their debut over there, but we’ll be playing the original version – nothing quite beats a classic.”

When the audio cuts to the familiar opening beats of Replay, Jinki’s already wide smile break into a grin. He swipes open his phone quickly, no longer able to resist the urge to text Jonghyun.

majingki: Hey hyung~ ^^

majingki: I hear you were talking about me?

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah!

realjonghyun85: You’re up?

majingki: Yeah ^^

majingki: We had to film something at night

realjonghyun85: Oh, I see

realjonghyun85: Were you listening to me?

realjonghyun85: Ah, I’m embarrassed now … I only spoke that way because I thought you weren’t!

realjonghyun85: Now you think I’m soft-hearted and cheesy don’t you… TT

majingki: Yeah, I was listening, hyung ^^

majingki: But I didn’t need to hear you talk about your feelings to know you’re cheesy

majingki: I’ve known you’re that way for a while he he

realjonghyun85: Really, you tease me too much TT

majingki: It’s fun, though ^^

majingki: I missed listening to you … sorry I haven’t listened all this time

majingki: Can I call you?

realjonghyun85: Why do you have to ask me when I’m at work, huh TT

realjonghyun85: Unless you want to be on air you’ll have to wait till 2 AM

majingki: I meant after your show …

majingki: But being on air is fine too ^^

majingki: Wouldn’t it be fun?

realjonghyun85: Eh?

realjonghyun85: You’re serious?

majingki: Yeah ^^

majingki: Do you not have time to fit me?

realjonghyun85: Ah, it’s not that he he

realjonghyun85: Of course I want you to call

realjonghyun85: But your company …

majingki: They don’t control us that tightly, hyung

majingki: Not enough to stop me from calling a friend

majingki: Even if that friend happens to host a radio show ^^

realjonghyun85: You’re such a rebel!

realjonghyun85: I’ll let you on then … sounds fun

realjonghyun85: Right now, your song’s ending so I need to check with the PD

realjonghyun85: But I’ll either call you after a little introduction or let you know we can’t fit you

realjonghyun85: Okay?

realjonghyun85: Wait for me, Jinki-yah

majingki: Okay hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: Just don’t fall asleep!

When the next song finally comes to an end, a knot forms in Jinki’s stomach as it sinks in that he’s going to be speaking to Jonghyun _on air_ – not in at his house, or in a bar, where he could easily change the subject and brush off any awkwardness from his crush – but in front of an audience, where he’d have to act professional and hope no one could hear the pining behind his words.

“I have a little surprise tonight, for all of my listeners that are SHINee fans.”

Jinki turns his attention back to the radio.

"Remember when I talked about Onew before the commercial break? He was actually listening to me talk about our friendship earlier all the way from Japan, and messaged me to say hello. He asked to call, and the PD gave me permission, so we’re going to put him on now, as soon as I can call him…”

Jinki unplugs his headphones to avoid any feedback and sits up straighter. At the first ring of his phone, he takes a deep breath and puts on his stage smile to keep his voice steady when he answers the call. “Hello? Jonghyun?”

“Onew! I’m calling from my radio show. Can you hear me alright?”

“Yeah, I can hear you, hyung.” Jinki smiles, unable to help it. The reception of the call isn’t as clear as the broadcast had been, but he can still hear the warmth in Jonghyun’s voice.

“Good!” Jonghyun enthuses. “I was worried an intentional call wouldn’t work well. You’re still in Japan, right?”

“Yeah. All of SHINee is here still,” Jinki answers, going along with the conversation. “We just wrapped up the filming for our next music video tonight. The members are out eating. I wanted to rest a bit.”

“So this music video…it’s for Juliette, right? How different are the lyrics in this version? I’m curious if they’d translate…” Jonghyun trails off, sucking in a harsh breath. “Wow. Sorry, the PD wanted me to check the messages – you haven’t even been on for a minute, and our system is already blowing up.”

Jinki laughs. “Sorry about that, hyung.”

“It’s not a bad thing, obviously – that’s the power of a celebrity. And I’d already gotten some messages just from mentioning you and our friendship, anyway…” Jonghyun huffs. “Some people don’t seem to believe I could actually be that close with someone from SM.”

“Really? Why not?” Jinki asks, confused. He can’t imagine why anyone would think Jonghyun would lie about that.

“I don’t know…maybe I complain too much about being a loner on air. But I _do_ have friends, and you’re one of them, even if I never mentioned you much until now. I’ve posted about you before! I went to your concert in Japan! And we read books together, write music together, play billiards together–”

“Drink a lot together,” Jinki interrupts.

Jonghyun laughs. "Are you allowed to admit that?”

“Well, we’re close enough to speak honestly, aren’t we?”

“Yes, of course,” Jonghyun says. There’s an easy lift in his voice that makes it easy for Jinki to picture the grin he’s wearing on the other end of the line. “We’re always close enough to speak honestly with each other, as long as it doesn’t get you in trouble – or _me_ in trouble, for ruining your image.”

“You won’t get in trouble, hyung. It’s fine for me to admit that I drink. We’ve been men for two comebacks now.” Jinki grins. Falling into banter with Jonghyun is always easy.

“Yes, that’s true, isn’t it? You _were_ already a man when I met you,” Jonghyun says, and something about the way he says it nearly makes Jinki lose his breath. “Do you think you’ll be men again for your next Korean album, or will you turn back into boys?”

“Um, well – good question.” Jinki stalls for a moment to fight the flush on his cheeks. “Since we’re re-releasing our old songs in Japan, we’re boys again at the moment, so I’m not sure what we’ll be once we’re back – we’re still working on time traveling, though we’re already quite good at it.”

“Yes, as all idols are,” Jonghyun agrees with complete seriousness. “You all have such intense schedules, it’s a necessary skill. I hope you can use that skill to find the time to visit soon.”

Jinki bunches up the nearby sheets under his hand, trying not to sound overly excited when Jonghyun jumps subjects.  "I think I can work something out – I might have a day free back home soon.“

"Oh? You should spend it with me – we’ll go out for food. I’ll buy you lots and lots, okay? And drinks too, as usual.”

“Thank you, hyung,” Jinki says, brimming with warmth. “I appreciate you having me on air and always buying me things – I like you a lot.”

He flushes the moment the words leave his mouth. He’s so used to saying that on air for fans and hosts, to get the cheers that follow, but this was _Jonghyun_ – why had he thought that would be a good idea?

“Hah…Jinki-yah…” Jonghyun fumbles for words, clearly flustered. “You’re not normally this affectionate with me. You’ll make my listeners jealous.”

“Ah, I like them a lot too, though.”

“You do?"He laughs. "Then you have to come visit Blue Night sometime, to prove it.”

“Sure, hyung. Once we’re back in Seoul for a while.”

“Please do!” The line goes silent for a moment, then Jonghyun sighs, disappointment edging into his words. “PD’s orders…I should get back to the expected program now. Thank you again for calling, Jin–Onew-ssi. Eat well, and get some rest too, alright? Good luck on your new single!”

“I am, and I will – thanks, hyung.” Jinki smiles, and the knowledge that Jonghyun is on a fixed schedule is the only thing that makes it possible to resist buying more time on the phone with Jonghyun. “I’ll see you soon, hopefully.”

“For sure.”

The line goes dead, and Jinki groans at the silence left behind. When the ping of an incoming message comes from his phone, he groans louder, and spends a whole minute debating whether or not he has the courage to see what Jonghyun will say.

***

 

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah ^^

realjonghyun85: Thanks for letting me call … I know we had to talk about trivial things, since we were on air … but it was good to chat with you still!

realjonghyun85: I hope you had some fun being on Blue Night!!

realjonghyun85: You know it’s my pride

majingki: Of course hyung!! I love your show and listen to it lots

majingki: It was nice to participate in it this time ^^

realjonghyun85: Yeah? I’ll call you more often then

majingki: I’d like if you called me more~ ^^ whether or not its for the radio

realjonghyun85: You have to call me too though!!

realjonghyun85: It’s hard for me to know when I should, so I get nervous … I can’t keep track of your schedule

majingki: Ah, I didn’t think of that… TT

majingki: I’ll try and call you more then

majingki: Or at least let you know my schedule

realjonghyun85: He he good

realjonghyun85: I think I already know one part of your schedule though …

majingki: Really?

realjonghyun85: Yeah …

realjonghyun85: I know you should be sleeping right now …

realjonghyun85: Am I right Jinki-yah? ^^

majingki: I guess TT

majingki: Do you not want to talk more?

realjonghyun85: Of course I want to talk to you more!

realjonghyun85: But you need the rest … and I need to drive home he he

majingki: Okay … I’ll sleep for now then

majingki: And message you in the morning? ^^

majingki: Or you can leave messages for me while I’m sleeping?

realjonghyun85: Alright Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: I’ll let you know what I do tonight

realjonghyun85: Though I’m warning you, it’s boring … just staying home and watching movies

majingki: I’d like that, though

majingki: Maybe we could do that soon?

majingki: We have a Korean schedule coming up … so I’ll be there for a bit, with one free day

majingki: But I can try and see you then?

realjonghyun85: Yes!! Please!!

realjonghyun85: You won’t be able to escape me he he

realjonghyun85: I’m going to fill you up with food from your home county …  and alcohol~

majingki: You make it sound like a threat, hyung …

majingki: But I’m looking forward to it ^^

realjonghyun85: Hopefully, it’ll be soon then!

majingki: I hope so too he he

majingki: Good night hyung

majingki: I hope I wasn’t too affectionate on air ^^;

realjonghyun85: No such thing!! Not from you he he

realjonghyun85: You’re my favorite dongsaeng ^^

majingki: He he … it was cheesy though, right?

majingki: I just missed you a lot

realjonghyun85: A little … but I like you a lot too

realjonghyun85: So don’t worry about it … alright?

majingki: Alright ^^ Thanks hyung

realjonghyun85: You too!

realjonghyun85: Good night Jinki-yah

 

***

Outside the back exit of their Seoul dorms, Jinki takes a long inhale of the night air to absorb the scent. Logically, he’s sure that all cities must smell like the same mix of pollution and people, but the undertones of Seoul make it unique enough for him to distinguish it as home. It’s not where he was born, or where his parents are, but he’s been year for so many years now – and it’s the only place he _wants_ to be on his only free night before they go back to Japan.

In a different part of the city, Jonghyun is already waiting for him, and he hasn’t gotten to see Jonghyun in person since their concert three months ago. He’d gotten better and better at keeping in touch with him through messaging and the occasional phone call, but it still isn’t the same as getting to see him in person.

Though he wanted to see Jonghyun as soon as he was done with his morning schedules, he still has a short while to wait before Jonghyun would be free.

Meaning he had plenty of time to relax himself. After checking to make sure the small alley is clear, Jinki digs into his pocket for the lighter and pack of cigarettes he had bought the moment they’d returned to Korea. Their Japanese management stuck to them like glue, and he hadn’t had a chance to sneak in a smoke while they were there, even though he’d needed the stress relief more than ever. He couldn’t risk lighting one up on the balcony of their new dorm and ruining their fresh image, not when their more obsessive fans had already found the address.

At least in Korea, he knows where to hide for his indulgence.

Jinki lights his cigarette and takes a long drag, letting his eyes fall closed as the smoke fills his lungs before releasing it with a sigh and a smile. It’s been far too long since he’s gotten to do this. He slumps down as he relaxes, tucking himself further under the stairs of the fire escape. There’s background noise, from cars and people, but it was nothing like traveling all over Japan with the members. They were still new there, and didn’t yet have the luxury of individual rooms, which made Jinki more than a little stir-crazy from managing four personalities and tempers on top of his own.

On his second cigarette, he remembers to check the time, and swears immediately – now he’s late. He stands on his toes and reaches for the empty can he keeps hidden under the stairs of the fire escape to shove the ends of his cigarettes inside, then pulls his facemask up over his ears and and runs towards the street to hail a cab.

When he finally arrives Jonghyun’s apartment building, Jinki stops at one of the windows in the hallway leading to his door, unable to help giving his hair and outfit a quick lookover. He’d given up any hope of his crush fading while they were apart. His feelings are just as strong as they had been when he had last seen Jonghyun, if not stronger. That last moment they’d had together in Japan, and the efforts Jonghyun had made to keep in contact with him, made it impossible not to hope that there was at least _some_ chance his feelings might be returned.

But, that was still too unlikely for him to risk confessing anything himself.

With a sigh, Jinki draws back from the glass and heads to the door of Jonghyun’s apartment. He rings the doorbell and shoves his hands back in his pockets to keep from fidgeting. The pad of socked feet rushing to the door makes him smile, and he fixes his bangs one last time just before the lock unclicks.

Jonghyun opens the door and greets Jinki with a broad smile.

“Jinki-yah!”  

He throws himself through the doorway to give Jinki a hug hard enough to nearly lock him off balance. Jinki laughs, but it dies in his throat when Jonghyun tightens his arms and a familiar flutter rises back in his chest. He let’s his own hands fall to Jonghyun’s waist, and Jonghyun gives him another squeeze, making no attempt to back away even as his words fall into the crook of Jinki’s neck. “Shit, I missed you.”

“I missed you too, hyung,” Jinki mumbles, cheeks warming.

“I’m not used to you being the late one – did you get a head start on drinking or something?” Jonghyun scrunches his nose as he steps away from Jinki and fixes his glasses. “You already smell like a bar.”

Jinki sniffs at his jacket. The scent of cigarettes is barely noticeable to him, but Jonghyun had always mentioned he had a sensitive nose, and this was the first time he’d squeezed a smoke in right before seeing him. “No, I came right here after packing. I just had a smoke right before I left, though, since I haven’t been able to in Japan.”

Jonghyun’s amused expression falls. “…You smoke?”

“Yeah? I thought you knew.” Jinki shrugs. “It helps with stress. A lot of other idols do it. I picked up the habit from some of my sunbaes when I was a trainee.”

“You started smoking during your training period?” Jonghyun asks, voice straining with poorly hidden admonishment. “You were supposed to be working on improving your voice then. And your company didn’t stop you after you debuted?”

“They can’t control everything about our lives.” Jinki shrugs. “As far as I can tell, they don’t even know that I do. It’s not like I’d let our managers or anyone else who’d get pissed about it find out.”

“Well, _I_ found out.” Jonghyun frowns. “And I can’t believe you smoke. It’s irresponsible, Jinki. You’re a _singer_ – you need to take care of your voice, not damage it for a stupid habit..”

“I know that, hyung. I’m not stupid.” Jinki sighs and pushes a hand through his hair, trying to keep his temper from rising. “Do you have to argue with me about this now?”

“Yeah, since I just found out about it. If I had known before, I would have argued with you then.”

“Well, I don’t want to talk about it, hyung.” Jinki tries to smile.  "And you’re not going to convince me to quit in one night, so let’s just go and get drinks.“

"If we go to a bar, all I’m going to think about is how many times you might have smoked before without me knowing it…” He shakes his head and sighs. “I can’t believe you never told me you smoke.”

“It’s something I only do when I’m alone, and it’s not really your business,” Jinki says sharply. “Just because you’re my hyung doesn’t mean you need to lecture me.”

Jonghyun pinches the bridge of his nose sighs, then looks at him with a teacher-like patience that only makes Jinki’s temper flare more. “Jinki, I didn’t say anything about your age.”

“Then stop talking to me like I’m a clueless kid!” Jinki snaps. “I _know_ it’s a bad habit, but I don’t want to quit right now, alright?”

Jonghyun’s volume finally raises to meet Jinki’s. “You need to quit now, Jinki – before you _really_ hurt your voice! I’m not trying to control you, and if you’d just calm down and listen, you’d realize that I only want to help.”  

“Whatever, hyung.” Jinki cuts Jonghyun off and yanks his face mask out of his pocket. Hands shaking, he hooks the strings over his ears clumsily and reaches for the door. “I’m going back to the dorm. I don’t want to deal with being lectured on my only night off.”

“Jinki, wait – c'mon–” Jonghyun rushes to follow him, but he’s too slow to stop Jinki from stepping outside and slamming the door behind him.

Jinki pulls his beanie down over his ears to block out the last echo of Jonghyun’s voice through the door. He rushes to the staircase, skipping the elevator in the hopes that stomping down the stairs will drown out the throb of anger in his head and keep Jonghyun from following him. When he finally steps outside, the smack of his breath against the heavy air makes him realize just how worked up he’d gotten, and his cheeks burn with shame as he remembers their last exchange before he’d left.  

He shouldn’t have gotten so angry over something so petty – he knows Jonghyun has the best intentions – but he can’t help but be upset with him. His smoking is bad, obviously, but Jonghyun shouldn’t have pushed him about it on the only night they’ll get to have together in weeks.

Jinki glances back up at Jonghyun’s apartment building. Half of him wants to apologize, but his pride won’t let him go back up after storming out. Not wanting to risk Jonghyun coming out of the building to look for him, Jinki walks further down the street before pulls out his phone to call a cab.

His phone screen flips between light and dark as he flicks the light screen on and off, unable to resist checking to see if Jonghyun will text him some miraculous apology that would bring them back to before they’d fought. As much as he’s afraid of what Jonghyun might say, the dead silence is worse, and he finds himself glowering at the taxi driver’s cheerful greeting when he finally pulls up.

To make up for his rudeness, he tips the driver extra when they reach the dorm building, but the genuine thanks he gets does nothing to cure his sour mood. All the adrenaline is out of his system, but he’s still irritated enough that it takes him a few tryings of smashing the keys of the number lock on the door to their dorm to put in the right code. When he finally gets it, he swings the door open and slams it behind him, yanking down the zipper of his jacket as he flings his bag aside.

“Oh, hyung, uh–” Taemin shoots up from the couch when he enters the living room and fumbles to hide his phone. “I thought you were seeing Jonghyun tonight?”

“He canceled,” Jinki grumbles, too irritated to tease Taemin about whatever he’d been up to. He tosses his jacket over the first piece of furniture he sees and doesn’t bother to adjust it to keep it from having wrinkles in the morning. “I already finished packing, so I’m just going to sleep till our flight.”

”…Okay,“ Taemin agrees, clearly hesitant to ask what put Jinki in such a bad mood. “I’ll see you in the morning, hyung.”

"Sure.” Jinki forces out a grateful smile before he shuts the door of his room behind him, wanting to be by himself. At least Taemin would respect him enough to leave him alone.


	6. Chapter 6

The emotional hangover of his fight with Jonghyun sticks with him into the next morning. From the moment he wakes up, his stomach feels like lead, and the weight of his regret makes him drag his feet even more than usual when they arrive at the airport for their early-morning flight back to Japan. He keeps his eyes closed as they wait in line, letting himself enjoy the sleepiness that keeps his thoughts at bay, only to be pulled out of it by the familiar ring and vibration of his phone from the side of his bag.

Without thinking, he pulls out his phone, only for his stomach to drop when he sees the blink of Jonghyun’s username on the screen. He blinks at it for a moment, then quickly shoves it into the pocket of his sweatpants before he can read any of the message’s content.

He doesn’t know if he has the nerve yet to see what Jonghyun has to say. Would it be a continuation of their argument last night, or something else? He fiddles with the switch on the side of his phone and considers his options. It would be so easy to ignore whatever Jonghyun’s message said, when he only has a quarter of an hour before they board their flight. And after that, forgetting will be even easier once he’s sucked back into the whirlwind of promotions.

He chews his lip. Does he really want to do that, when he already regretted not sticking around last night? Even if Jonghyun just messaged him to lecture him more for smoking, he’d rather hear that again than wait and wonder if Jonghyun hated him for storming out like he did.

Taking a deep breath, Jinki pulls out the phone and taps the screen to open Jonghyun’s messages.

realjonghyun85: Hey Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: I remember you have a schedule, so I hope you got some sleep

realjonghyun85: Have a safe flight

Jinki stares at the screen, conflicted. He’d hoped Jonghyun wouldn’t continue their argument but…he doesn’t know what to think of a message like this. Did Jonghyun want to pretend nothing happened?

The boarding announcement buzzes through the speakers before he can think of a reply to compose. Jinki turns off his phone and shoves it deep into his bag. He doesn’t want to send anything thoughtless just because he’s in a hurry.

Once they’re boarded, he sits on his thoughts for a moment before opening the notepad function to trying out the start of a dozen responses he could send.

His first is angry — just a repeat of the same argument last night, with more words on his side, because now he doesn’t have to deal with someone arguing back — and isn’t what he wants to say at all. With a sigh, he backs out and deletes it, then starts on another, making sure to stop and take a break whenever he feels his defenses flying back up. Jonghyun is right that he shouldn’t smoke, he knows — that’s obvious. But he didn’t want to be told that _then_ , during his first real break home after he’s spent month stuffing himself into a smaller and smaller box to fit what their managers wanted for their debut in Japan and keep from going crazy from their schedules.

After typing it all out, he takes a deep breath, then starts on his apology. Though he wanted Jonghyun to know his reasons for snapping at him so quickly, that isn’t the most important part to him now — he wants Jonghyun to know that he’s sorry for losing his temper, and even sorrier for leaving and missing the first night they would have gotten to spend together in months.

He copies the text to his clipboard and opens his chat with Jonghyun the moment they land, not wasting a minute to message him back.

majingki: Thanks hyung

majingki: We just landed

Jinki’s stomach drops when the message is immediately marked as _read._ This isn’t how he planned for it to go — the only reason he found the nerve to message Jonghyun immediately was the assumption that he would be asleep — and now he doesn’t have the courage to send the paragraphs-long apology he’d written up.

He swallows, forcing himself to keep the screen open, watches the messages roll in.

realjonghyun85: I’m really glad to hear that Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: Um

realjonghyun85: About last night…

realjonghyun85: I don’t know if you want to talk about it

realjonghyun85: But I want to say I’m sorry for getting so pushy

realjonghyun85: I know you wanted to relax

realjonghyun85: I just care about you a lot, and it caught me off guard to find out you smoke…

realjonhyun85: I don’t want you to hurt your voice or your health

majingki: I know smoking isn’t the best for me hyung…

majingki: But I really needed the break

majingki: I just wanted to spend time with you last night

majingki: It’s hard being away from home for so long

majingki: I’d really been looking forward to seeing you

realjonghyun85: I know

realjonghyun85: I’m really sorry I ruined that

realjonghyun85: I wanted you to be able to relax too

majingki: It’s okay

majingki: And I’m sorry too hyung

majingki: You didn’t deserve me getting so angry and snapping at you

majingki: I knew you meant well and I shouldn’t have reacted that way

majingki: Or left so suddenly without trying to talk it out

majingki: Sigh…

majingki: I really wish I hadn’t now

majingki: I haven’t gotten to see you in so long

realjonghyun85: Yeah…

realjonghyun85: That hurt the most, because I’ve missed you a lot too

realjonghyun85: But I understand why you left

realjonghyun85: You know me too well, and I would have kept pushing it

majingki: Only because you’re worried

majingki: I should have been understanding of that too

realjonghyun85: I still could’ve found a better time to nag you about it

realjonghyun85: I shouldn’t have pushed it when you were so stressed already TT

majingki: It’s fine hyung … really

majingki: We both messed up

realjonghyun85: Yeah … I just hate that I made you so mad

realjonghyun85: I really didn’t mean to seem like I look down on you

majingki: I’m not mad anymore, okay?

realjonghyun85: Yeah?

majingki: Really, I’m not

realjonghyun85: Okay TT

 realjonghyun85: I’ll take your word for it

majingki: ^^

majingki: Are we good then?

realjonghyun85: I think so

realjonghyun85: I mean … I’m still going to worry about your smoking…

realjonghyun85: But if you won’t give it up right now…

realjonghyun85: I’d at least prefer you don’t around me, since I’m sensitive to smells… and I’d rather not think about you smoking

realjonghyun85: Is that alright?

majingki: Sure hyung

majingki: I can do that

majingki: So let’s forget about this, okay? ^^

majingki: We already wasted one night on this … I don’t want to waste my time messaging you too

majingki: Since we don’t get to chat often while I’m in Japan

realjonghyun85: Yeah … I think I feel the same

realjonghyun85: I’ll try to forget about it TT

realjonghyun85: Hopefully I can get some sleep now before the radio

majingki: Did you not sleep hyung?

majingki: I was kind of surprised you messaged me back at this time…

realjonghyun85: Ah, yeah…

realjonghyun85: I couldn’t sleep ^^;

realjonghyun85: I kept thinking about our fight over and over…

realjonghyun85: I was worried you wouldn’t want to talk to me as much now

realjonghyun85: I got really worked up I guess

majingki: It was just one fight hyung

majingki: I wouldn’t stop talking to you over that

realjonghyun85: I guess … but you were really mad

realjonghyun85: We’ve never fought before, and I’ve never seen you like that…

realjonghyun85: I didn’t know what would happen after

majingki: I’m sorry

realjonghyun85: It’s okay TT

realjonghyun85: I just hate that my eyes are all puffy now, and I didn’t sleep…

realjonghyun85: You owe me tissues for making me cry Jinki-yah

majingki: … really?

majingki: I can’t tell if you’re joking over text…

realjonghyun85: I’m not!

realjonghyun85: Of course I cried a bit … I cry easily

realjonghyun85: And I ruined the one chance I’ve had to see you in months

majingki: Hyung TT

majingki: I’m sorry

majingki: I’ll be sure to call you lots to make up for it? ^^

majingki: Our schedules here are winding down a little, since it’s just the album that’s left…

majingki: It’s already recorded and we don’t have any more music videos to film so it won’t be as bad

majingki: We can try video calling if you want, too!

majingki: I picked up a new phone with a better camera

realjonghyun85: He he … finally!!

realjonghyun85: For an idol you had a pretty crappy phone

majingki: ….thanks hyung

realjonghyun85: You’re welcome

realjonghyun85: I missed teasing you~

realjonghyun85: But if you can video chat, I’d like that a lot

realjonghyun85: I always wonder if your hair is different, but I only get to see it in the fan pictures…

majingki: I don’t think I’ll be changing it much for our next promos

majingki: Just letting it grow out a little ^^

majingki: But if we don’t get to video chat, I’ll start sending you more selcas

realjonghyun85: Just for me?!

realjonghyun85: You should just post on twitter or something like that

realjonghyun85: Your fans would like it too ^^

majingki: But you’re a different kind of fan ^^

majingki: And you know me, I’m a private person usually

realjonghyun85: I’ve noticed he he … you never use your twitter

realjonghyun85: But that’s fine!

realjonghyun85: You can just send them directly to me~

majingki: Just for you hyung ^^ my biggest fan

realjonghyun85: He he… don’t flatter me like that Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: I’m going to sleep soon and it’ll give me weird dreams

realjonghyun85: Now that I feel better, my eyes are slipping closed…

majingki: Oh yeah?

majingki: I’ve heard my fans have those a lot …

realjonghuyn85: Fans tell you about that?!

realjonghyun85: Wow … I thought they were all so innocent

realjonghyun85: How do you smile at them so sweetly knowing they think about that stuff…

majingki: They seem innocent to me?

majingki: One told me about a dream she had where I was a rabbit that worked at a shoe store

majingki: And another had one where I became her class president and made the whole class learn lucifer…

majingki: Are you talking about something else? ^^

realjonghyun85: Hmph

realjonghyun85: I’m not answering that!

realjonghyun85: You’re just teasing me because I’m tired!

majingki: Sorry hyung ^^

majingki: I can’t help it

realjonghyun85: Well I can’t either! My dirty mind slips out when I don’t get enough sleep

realjonghyun85: I should really go … sorry Jinki -yah

majingki: It’s okay ^^ We’re on our way to the dorms now anyway

majingki: You can catch up on your rest and we’ll talk more later

realjonghyun85: You take care Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: Don’t work too hard!

***

With their three Japanese singles already out, and their full album on the way, the constant recordings and photoshoots required to build up their Japanese presence are over. Now, it’s just a matter of showcases and concerts, which gives them the flexibility to bounce between Korea and Japan to fill whatever events SM decides for them. The travel is exhausting in ways that returning consistently to the same dorm isn’t, but for Jinki, it’s worth the trade off of getting to return home: only a few weeks after their new schedule begins, he has enough free time in Korea to meet up with Jonghyun and make up for the and billiards they’d missed out on the last time he’d been in Seoul.

It’s been a long time since both of them played, and though Jinki manages to break the balls from their starting cluster cleanly, Jonghyun isn’t quite as lucky.

The first shot he makes misses by a mile — somehow, though he’d been aiming for the simplest shot avaliable, he manages to ricochet the cue ball off of every side of the table without hitting even a single ball. Jinki smiles as he watches it travel around the table, grin broadening when it finally rolls to a stop at a perfect spot for him to pocket it on his next turn.

Jonghyun covers his face with his hands and groans. “That was awful, I’ll admit— but I’m just a little rusty, and it’s your fault for not being here to play with me.”

“You gave it a good try, hyung,” Jinki says. He moves to line up his shot, excited to get the first ball in, but the feeling dissolves the instant he catches the slight pout on Jonghyun’s lips across the table. He pulls his cue back and stands. “You probably are a bit rusty, hyung. Would it feel more fair if I let you have a few extra turns?”

“You normally wouldn’t offer that this early in a game, even if I’m playing pitifully.” Jonghyun takes a long drink of his beer, narrowed eyes boring into Jinki wtih suspicion. “What’re you thinking??”

Jinki bites his lip and shrugs, not wanting to say the real reason — that even Jonghyun’s small frown had reminded him of how things had ended the last time they’d met up. Though they’d moved past it over text, and Jonghyun hadn’t brought it up once after they exchanged their apologies, seeing him again in person had brought back a twinge of guilt that makes him want to do something to make up for storming out.

Before he can wonder what Jonghyun is doing, he circles around the table and wraps an arm over his shoulders to bring him close. “Are you still feeling bad about the last time we saw each other?”  

Jinki sighs. “A bit, I guess.”

“Don’t.” Jonghyun squeezes him tighter, letting his fingers curl into his shirt. “Seriously, we talked it over — you don’t need to try and make up for it by letting me win.”

Jinki leans into the contact, grateful to have Jonghyun near him again. “I know….I’d just feel bad winning too much after I treated you badly.”

"Jinki-yah — I haven’t practiced _at all_ since you’ve been gone.” He laughs. "So trust me, I’m not expecting to win. We can just play like normal — things are good between us, so just try and have fun. Sulking really doesn’t suit you.”

“I guess…” Jinki smiles. “But it doesn’t suit you either, and you always sulk when you don’t get in a single ball.”

Jonghyun forces Jinki out of his arms with a light shove. "That is _not_ true!”

“You know it is, hyung.” Jinki grins. “And I want to at least keep you in a good mood tonight. So how about you buy me another drink, and I give you a few extra turns to make sure you get one in? I think we’ve done that before to make things more fair.”

"We did, when I was first learning — you’re always easy to bribe with drinks.” Jonghyun pokes at Jinki’s already-empty glass on the nearby table and scoffs, a look of resignation on his face.“One night together, and you have to drain my wallet dry…” He sighs. “I don’t think my bank account missed you.”

“You missed me though, right?” Jinki gives Jonghyun his best smile. “And you promised you’d buy me drinks anyway, the last time we talked…”

“You’re lucky you’re cute, and I’m already a little drunk,” Jonghyun grumbles. He looks over his shoulder to make sure the bartender is free, then leans his cue up against the wall. “I’ll go get another drink for you.”

“Thank you, hyung.” Jinki pats Jonghyun’s shoulder before he leaves, enjoying the small grin that earns him even when Jonghyun waves him off.

With nothing else to do while he waits, Jinki looks over the table to decide his next shot. He still plans on giving Jonghyun the extra turns he’d promised, but he’s not so far in the lead that he needs to give Jonghyun three rounds for each of his own yet — he can go ahead and take his turn. When he finds the perfect angle, Jinki makes a quick lineup of his cue and takes his shot, standing back in satisfaction at the loud crack when the hits the balls he had aimed right on target, knocking them both into the pocket.

Jinki snickers — he can already predict Jonghyun’s reaction, and sure enough, Jonghyun is returns a minute later with his drink and a deep scowl.

“What the hell did you do to the table? How many balls did you get in?” Jonghyun pushes Jinki’s drink into his hands and points at the pocket where the balls had disappeared. “I turn my back for one second, and you’re already taking back the deal we made!”

"I never said I’d let you win—” Jinki jumps to dodge a playful jab of Jonghyun’s cue at his side, then laughs. “Just that I’d give you a few extra turns, so you could get _something_ in. You still have chance at that, I only knocked in those two to decide that I’m solids.”

Jonghyun rolls his eyes and heads back to their table for a long drink of his own fruity cocktail. He adjusts his glasses, peering at the table, then circles it as he tries to plan out his next shot. As his eyes bounce from one pocket of the table to the next, he sways slightly, then hangs his head in defeat. “You didn’t leave me with a single good shot, Jinki-yah…and I’ve probably had too much of my drink to get anything in already.”

“Not true, hyung. You have some options.”

Jonghyun raises an eyebrow in challenge. “Really? Show me what you’d do, then.”

“Alright.” Jinki circles around the table to step behind Jonghyun. His hands are already buzzing just from the anticipation of touching him, and when he grabs Jonghyun by the elbow to guide him to the right position along the table, he finds his voice lowering as he tries to speak with mock-authority. “See that far pocket, hyung? You could make that pretty easy. You’re good at long shots when you’re sober.”

“Well…I’m far from sober, but I’ll give it a try,” Jonghyun mumbles. He adjusts himself have his back against Jinki’s front, same as he had the first time Jinki had started guided him in billiards. “Help me keep steady?”

“Sure.”

Jinki swallows, trying to keeps his focus on the end of the cue as he curls his fingers around Jonghyun’s arm. Though he’s never had an issue with the level of touching that came with Jonghyun’s friendship, it’s been a while since he’s experienced it in person, and the position _this_ contact comes with — Jonghyun’s back to his chest, and their hips nearly together — is making his mind wander to places it shouldn’t when Jonghyun is this close.

He clears his throat and adjusts Jonghuyn’s aim, hoping to distract both of them — he could swear he felt Jonghyun’s breathing slow when he moved back like this — and he doesn’t want to linger on the thought that his awkwardness might’ve been noticed. “You really are good at long shots, so this would be a good one.”

“Wait…” Jonghyun leans further over the table to test the shot, then stand back up with a frown. "Aren’t these solids? And _you’re_ solids? Wouldn’t this make me hit your ball in?”

“Well, you did ask what _I_ would do…”

Jonghyun’s back presses against his chest when he laughs. “You’re too cheeky tonight, Jinki-yah.”

“I know.” Jinki smiles, then grips Jonghyun’s elbow again, directing him to a shot for a striped ball that he could make at his current level of intoxication. “Here, this one might be easier for you.”

Jonghyun pulls his teeth between his lips and closes one eye, ready to aim, but he only gets a half-second at it before his concentration is interrupted by a man around Jonghyun’s height that stops at the other end of their table. He leans down to look under the lower light above the table and squints at them both, then blinks, eyes widening in recognition. “Jonghyun? Is that you?”

At the mention of his name, Jonghyun shoots upright, bumping Jinki back with the swiftness of the movement. “Young bae? I haven’t seen you in forever! What’re you doing here?”

Young bae grins. “Drinking, of course.”

"Of course — it _is_ you.” Jonghyun laughs.

Jinki looks between them, expression blank — there’s obviously a history behind that remark, and the reminder that he’s been out of Jonghyun’s life for the past few months makes  his stomach twist bitterly. When he tries to step away to grab his drink and give them room to talk, Jonghyun slings an arm over his shoulder to keep stop him. “C'mon, Jinki-yah, you don’t need to wander off. You should meet Young bae! I do radio with him sometimes.”

“Ah, yeah.” Jinki tries to look unbothered as Jonghyun drags him around the table to greet his friend, but it’s difficult when Young bae is looking at him like he’d come from a different universe. And with Jonghyun’s arm still over his shoulder, he can’t bow to introduce himself and smooth over the awkwardness, leaving them all with a hanging silence that only Jonghyun seems unbothered by.

“Young bae, this is Jinki. And Jinki, this is Young bae.”

“Nice to meet you, Jinki.” Young bae’s eyes shift from Jinki to Jonghyun, then back, brows furrowing in confusion thought. “Is this, uh…your new boyfriend, Jonghyun?”

Immediately, Jonghyun’s hand jumps off of Jinki’s shoulder, and a denial tumbles out of his mouth before Jinki even has time to process the statement.

“No, he’s not.” Jonghyun glances nervously at him, then turns back to Young bae, clearly flustered. “And I’m not dating anyone right now — you should know that.”

“Oh.” Young bae looks to Jinki again, this time with skepticism. “You’ve been complaining less about being lonely lately, so I assumed you might’ve met someone…”

“You shouldn’t just say things like that, it’s awkward.” Jonghyun laughs nervously. He wipes his palms on his jeans and gestures jerkily to Jinki. “This is just that idol friend I’ve told you about, Jinki.”

“Ah — I guess that’s why you seem familiar.” Young bae nods, now seeming more comfortable. “Onew-ssi, right? From SHINee?”

Jinki nods, not trusting himself to speak. He’s still reeling from the assumption Young Bae had made about them, and even more Jonghyun’s reaction to it.

There hadn’t been a single denial of the possibility that Jonghyun might date a man.

Silence falls between them as Jonghyun reaches over for his drink and refuses to meet either of their eyes, leaving Young bae and Jinki glancing awkwardly at each other.

Eventually, Young bae seems to get tired of the awkwardness, and clears his throat before announcing his exit. “I’ll leave so two can continue your game. But catch up with me sometime, right?”

Jonghyun grimaces. “If it doesn’t involve alcohol. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be around you when you’re drunk, considering you don’t seem to have a filter about mentioning my personal life around strangers. “

Young bae cringes. "Sorry — I didn’t really think about it’d be an issue, since I thought he was your boyfriend…”

“Just don’t make assumptions like that again, please,” Jonghyun snaps, waving him off with poorly hidden irritation. “I’ll see you sometime at the station.”

“Yeah, sure.” Young bae steps forward to get a half-hearted hug out of Jonghyun, then leaves, but not without one last look at Jinki.

When Young bae is out of sight, Jinki stares at Jonghyun, still trying to comprehend all the implications of the short conversation. But the meaning of it is clear enough, and the fragile and nervous smile Jonghyun sends his way when he finally meets his eyes makes his stomach drop.

There had been clues — the fact that Jonghyun never spoke about women, the picture in Jonghyun’s room, the books, and the idle comments that had made him pause — but those had always seemed more like his own  hopes than anything substantial.

The air of the bar suddenly feels thick enough to stick to his skin, and he swallows, fighting the instinct to reevaluate every interaction they had ever had with the new knowledge that _Jonghyun is gay._

“I’m sorry about Young bae.” Jonghyun covers his mouth with both hands and sighs.

Jinki blinks. “What?”

“I said that I’m sorry about Young bae,” he repeats. “And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about… _this_.” He looks down and fidgets with his wristwatch. “I really wasn’t trying to keep it from you. I just try to keep that to myself, especially with people I meet in music industry…“ he trails off, expression pained. "I hope you’re not uncomfortable.”

Jinki slides his glass along the table as he tries to find the right thing to say to say.

He’s not bothered — obviously not, considering he’s been hiding the same thing — but Jonghyun couldn’t know that. More than anything, he wants to offer an easy assurance that things won’t change, but he can’t seem to manage the words — because things are different now. His chest is nearly bursting with the urge to share his own secret with Jonghyun, but he can’t — even though the bar is near empty, there’s the lingering worry of being overheard, and he’s held it back so long now he can’t even find the words to start.

He digs his nails into his palm and opens his mouth, trying to force himself to speak, only to close it again when he finds nothing but a lump in his throat.

Jonghyun reaches out to hover a hand over his shoulder, hesitating to touch him for the first time. “Jinki…are you okay? I can…understand if you’re upset.”

“No, I’m not — sorry.” Jinki shakes his head to force himself out of his daze. Though he’s anxious to reveal his own secret, that hardly matters now, when Jonghyun is stilll on on edge from being outed so carelessly. That exact nightmare is the reason Jinki has never told a soul.

“I didn’t mean to worry you by getting quiet.” He pats Jonghyun’s back and tries to send him a smile.  "I understand you not wanting to talk about it, considering how most people would react, and your career. But you being… _you know_ —" his throat catches on the word before he can get it out, and he pushes past it quickly with the hope that Jonghyun won’t take that as a sign of discomfort. “You liking men, I mean — that doesn’t bother me at all.”

Jonghyun’s eyes soften, shoulders relaxing from the tension he had been holding from the moment Young bae first opened his mouth. “Are you sure? I’d rather you not lie, and you seem kind of…”

“I’m sure.” Jinki interrupts. “I was just surprised by it.”

Relief instantly floods into Jonghyun’s eyes, and Jinki’s heart flutters up into his throat at the sight, but the feeling isn’t as warm as usual — he can’t help but feel a twinge of envy at the easy acceptance he’d given.

“I am sorry I caught you off guard like that.” Jonghyun reaches over the table to grab a napkin, resting his elbows on the wood as he begins to twist and tear it. “I hope you’re not hurt I didn’t tell you earlier, even though I consider us close. I’d really been wanting to tell you for a while, but…I just couldn’t find the right time, you know?”

“Yeah.” Jinki wraps a hand around his drink to cool the nervous burn in his palms. “I get that. It’s a hard thing to bring up.”

“It is.” Jonghyun smiles wryly. “And I guess it was selfish of me to hide it, but I was worried about losing you as a friend, after we had already gotten so close…I really didn’t want anything to change.”

“That wasn’t selfish.” Jinki assures, meeting Jonghyun’s eyes intently. “But you wouldn’t lose me over this, hyung. And I understand why you kept it to yourself.”

The seriousness of his tone makes Jonghyun frown, and Jinki falters, suddenly afraid something that something about his statement would give away his reason for being so sure. “By that, I mean that I’m not the type to be bothered by this — we’ve kind of talked about it before, you know? It’s…not a bad thing.”

“Yeah. But that was a story, and fiction is different than reality, so I still worried a lot.” Jonghyun tosses the pieces of his napkin down with a sigh, then looks up at Jinki, eyes crinkling with warmth. “I really appreciate you being so accepting.”

“Of course.”

Before Jinki can think of something to say next, Jonghyun pulls him into a tight hug. “I should have known you’d get me, though. You’re really the best.”

Jinki nods against his shoulder, trying not to stiffen as Jonghyun squeezes him tighter. Just knowing that Jonghyun is _like him_ makes the usual warmth in his chest that comes whenever Jonghyun touches him bloom brighter, until he’s certain that his whole body is flushed hot enough for Jonghyun to feel through his clothes.

“Thank you, Jinki-yah — seriously.”

“You’re welcome,” Jinki mumbles, trying to find a way to untangle out of the hug without making Jonghyun think the problem is him. They’ve hugged closer than this before, but it feels different now — there’s possibilities behind it. He clears his throat and spits out the first excuse that comes to mind. “Can I move back? You’re choking me a little, hyung.”

“Shit, sorry.” There’s a grin on Jonghyun’s face when he pulls back, broader and fuller than any Jinki has ever seen on him. The new honesty in the smile makes his stomach flip, and Jonghyun wraps an arm over his shoulder and starts to lead him away from the table.  “I’m buying you another drink.” Jonghyun squeezes his shoulder and pushes him towards the bartender. “I think I owe you a few more for being so accepting, don’t you?“

“Sure,” Jinki agrees, never wanting to say no to a free drink. He’s not sure it’s a good idea, when his heart and mind are still trying to catch up wtih all the revelations of the night — but maybe if he has a few more, he’ll find the courage to let Jonghyun know his secret once they’re alone.

 

***

As always, when Jonghyun offers him a few drinks, Jinki takes a dozen.

Two short hours after Jonghyun was outed, Jinki is staring intently at the sidewalk as he stumbles out of a taxi with one arm around Jonghyun. The ground is moving more than he’d like, and he has to keep an eye on it to keep it from rising up and toppling him over, even if it means taking his eyes off Jonghyun in their last moments together for the night.

"I shouldn’t have let you get this drunk,” Jonghyun apologizes for the dozenth time since they’d left the bar. “If I had know you weren’t handling it, I would have stopped buying you drinks earlier…”

“’s fine, hyung,” Jinki says. They come to a stop at the keypad of the back entrance to the apartment complex Jinki’s dorm is in, and Jinki leans down to peer at the keypad to try and remember the combination. The code had changed since the last time he came this way, and he’s pretty sure their managers sent it, but all he can remember is the old one…

Jonghyun’s hand tightens against his side just in time to catch him before he nearly swings forward face-first into the keypad in his attempt to read it. “Um…do you need help remembering the code? If you have their numbers, I can call one of your members for the code.”

“No, they’re probably sleeping — I don’t want to wake them up.” Jinki waves a hand at him. “We just switched the code recently, and I’m trying to remember it…just give me a minute.”

“Even if you remember it, you don’t really seem sober enough for the stairs right now.” Jonghyun rebalances him onto his feet to prevent him from tipping over, and Jinki catches a spinning glimpse of the deep frown on his lips. “I’ll give you a minute to figure it out, but I’ll bring you up to your room after that, okay?”

Jinki shakes his head quickly. “I’ll be fine with the elevator.”

”…and you think you can get there on your own?“

"It’s right by the door, I’ll be fine,” Jinki insists.

He doesn’t want to be somewhere private with Jonghyun, not when he’s this drunk and his heart is still reeling from all the possibilities that come with Jonghyun being gay. He rests a hand against the wall for a brace and stands on his own, wanting to make a point as much as he wanted to get away from Jonghyun’s touch before he does something stupid.

Jonghyun huffs at his attempt. “You can’t even stand straight without the wall.”

“I got it.” Jinki focuses back on the keypad to press in the number. He’s pretty sure he’s finally remembered the five-digit code, and he knows if he doesn’t put it in immediately, it’ll slip away from his mind again. When he has it in and presses the thumb to the enter key, the pad lights green, and he smirks up at Jonghyun in triumph. “See, hyung? I remembered the code. I can make it up to the dorm on my own. ”

“Are you sure? I _really_ don’t mind helping you up, that’s what drinking buddies are here for.”

“I’m sure, hyung.” Jinki straightens his back to stand upright, this time finding his balance easily. The thought that he’s parting with Jonghyun for the night already has a sobering effect on him, and when Jonghyun embraces him for their usual farewell hug, he finds the thoughts that he’d been trying to avoid with liquor and jokes return to the front of his mind.

Should he tell Jonghyun he’s gay? Or would that reveal too much, and make it obvious that all the reaching out he’s done for their friendship was really him chasing the butterflies and warmth that came with his most-likely-one-sided love?

His fingers tighten against Jonghyun’s sides as he weighs the questions. “Hyung…”

Jonghyun’s chest shifts slightly against him as he hums in question. “Hm?”

“I…” Jinki stops. The lump in his throat is trapping his voice again, and it blocks off the words he wants to say just long enough to let his doubts surface again.

Did he want to risk losing the only man that might understand him over his feelings?

Defeated, he ends up stepping back with tightness in his chest and a sigh. “Nevermind, hyung.”

Jonghyun eyes him skeptically. “…Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Jinki tries to smile. “I’ll see you soon, if you have the time — I think I can probably squeeze in another visit before we head back to Japan for our last promotions.”

Jonghyun reaches out to ruffle his hair. “If you have enough time, I’ll definitely find a way for us to meet up.”

“Thanks. For the drinks, too.”

“Of course.” Jonghyun nods, then jerks his chin at the door. “You should get in there, before the door locks and you forget the combination again.”

“Yeah.” Jinki waves goodbye with a smile, but the moment he enters the building and the door shuts behind him, it disappears under the weight of regret in his gut. He rubs his face with his hands and forces himself to start heading towards the dorm, feeling fully like an idiot.

Why couldn’t he find the courage to tell Jonghyun?

By the time he gets to his room, Jinki is filled with nothing but frustration, and he throws himself onto his bed with a drunken groan.

He shouldn’t have fucking waited.

He’d been given the perfect opportunity to bring up his own sexuality, and he had blown it — first, when he’d been too shocked at the revelation of Jonghyun’s to give anything but reassurances, and then, after the drinks had come, with his own inability to do anything but down them as fast as he could.

The chances of it coming up again naturally, when Jonghyun had hidden it for him for over a year, are next to done — if he wants to come out now, he’ll have to initiate the conversation himself.

But that seems like a better option than waiting. He won’t be able to sleep holding this back, and it should be easier over text than face-to-face. He doubts he’ll be able to do it when he’s in front of Jonghyun, especially if he’s entirely sober.

Determined, Jinki pulls out his phone and squints at it, struggling his way through the over-bright menu on his screen until he pulls up Jonghyun’s information.

majingki: Hyung?

majingki: Are you still awake?

realjonghyun85: Of course, it’s early for me

realjonghyun85: I’m on my way home now

realjonghyun85: Did you get up to the dorm safely?

majingki: Yeah

majingki: I’m fine

realjonghyun85: I’m glad

realjonghyun85: You should drink water and get some rest before you get a headache

majingki: I know

majingki: Just … I don’t know if I can sleep

majingki: I wanted to say something tonight … about what we talked about

majingki: But I was nervous so

majingki: I just kept drinking

realjonghyun85: Ah…  I was a bit worried about you drinking that much

realjonghyun85: Is everything okay?

majingki: Yeah

realjonghyun85: If you need space, I can give you that…

majingki: No, it’s okay

majingki: Please don’t think that hyung

realjonghyun85: You sure?

majingki: Yeah

majingki: It’s not about you at all

majingki: It’s about me

majingki: And the thing I want to tell you

majngki: Um

majingki: Please don’t tell anyone?

realjonghyun85: I wouldn’t, Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: I promise

realjonghyun85: Anything you say is just between us

majingki: Thank you

majingki: Not even the members know, so…

majingki: Sigh …

majingki: I really don’t know how to say it … and I don’t want it to keep it in our chat

majingki: So please delete it after you read it, okay?

realjonghyun85: Okay

Jinki closes his eyes and breathes deep to try and calm his heart. He finds the position for the first word of what he needs to type on the screen, then types blindly, unable to stomach the thought of reading the part of himself that he’s putting to text for the first time. At a glimpse of the words, he deletes it all, then stares at the empty chatbox in frustration, sitting with his thoughts until Jonghyun starts  to message him again.

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah?

realjonghyun85: I haven’t received anything … did you already try and send it?

realjonghyun85: You’re making me a little nervous

realjonghyun85: Are you okay?

majingki: Sorry

majingki: I got scared again…

majingki: I keep deleting everything I type out

realjonghyun85: It’s okay

realjonghyun85: Take your time, alright?

majingki: The longer I wait, the harder it’ll be, I think… so I should just get on with it

Jinki’s heart races as he types it out and hits send.

majingki: I’m gay too

The second it’s marked as read, he deletes the message on his end to make it disappear. With the blank screen left behind, it’s easy to think he just imagined hitting _send_.

realjonghyun85: Jinki…

realjonghyun85: Thank you for trusting me this much

realjonghyun85: I know how much it means to share that … especially the first time

realjonghyun85: I already deleted it, so don’t worry

majingki: Thank you

realjonghyun85: Mm … I feel like I should have something wise to say but I’m clueless TT

realjonghyun85: I’m sorry

realjonghyun85: I’m not being the best hyung right now…

realjonghyun85: But please know I’m here for you

realjonghyun85: If you need to talk about this or anything else about it

realjonghyun85: I’ll delete any conversations we have about it too

realjonghyun85: I want you to feel safe opening up to me

majingki: Thank you hyung

majingki: That would make me feel safer, if we ever talk about this again…

majingki: I appreciate it

realjonghyun85: You don’t need to thank me

realjonghyun85: I’ll always be here for you Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: Especially about this … you deserve to have someone on your side

realjonghyun85: I can’t imagine it’s been easy for you

Jinki lays down onto his side and peers at his phone through a growing blur of tears. He doesn’t know why — because everything’s going better than he could have even dreamed of — but Jonghyun’s pointing out the obvious brings up a well of emotions he thought he didn’t even _have_ about this.

And though the weight in his chest is lighter, it feels tighter too — he doesn’t know what to do with himself, or how this might change things between him and Jonghyun. It’s too much at once, and even though he hadn’t said a word about his feelings for Jonghyun, he feels exposed all the same.

When his phone buzzes, demanding his attention, he dabs at his eyes with his sleeve and returns to their conversation.

realjonghyun85: Are you still there?

realjonghyun85: It’s showing my messages aren’t read…

majingki: I’m fine, sorry

majingki: Just got overwhelmed

majingki: I feel exhausted for some reason

realjonghyun85: Emotions can do that … I understand

realjonghyun85: You can imagine how much I cried when I came out the first time

realjonghyun85: I nearly slept a whole day after… and I wasn’t even drunk

realjonghyun85: But you drank a lot tonight… so you’ll probably need even more rest

majingki: Yeah … sigh

majingki: I think the alcohol is finally catching up with me

realjonghyun85: I was wondering how long that would take

majingki: He he … I held out for a while tonight

realjonghyun85: I know … your tolerance is inhuman…

realjonghyun85: But get some water now if you can, okay?

realjonghyun85: I know you’re capable of getting hangovers …

realjonghyun85: And if you sleep without drinking any water you’ll wake up with one for sure

majingki: I’ll get some … don’t worry

realjonghyun85: I always will he he

majingki: I know … thank you hyung

majingki: For caring so much and listening to everything I had to say

realjonghyun85: Of course Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: I know I keep saying it, but … I understand how hard and scary it is

realjonghyun85: And I’m glad that Young bae being thoughtless about my secret helped you share yours

realjonghyun85: You don’t need to be alone anymore

majingki: Yeah … thank you again ^^

majingki: I should probably sleep now, but …

majingki: Do you think we could meet up again soon? Before I go back to Japan?

majingki: It should be our last long trip for the year but … it’ll be a month long

realjonghyun85: Of course! I told you I want as much time with you as possible right?

realjonghyun85: Just let me know when you’re free … I’ll find the time ^^

realjonghyun85: Even if it means waking up early or staying up all night

majingki: Don’t worry about that

 majingki: I like my sleep too so … it’ll probably be in the afternoon one of these days he he

realjonghyun85: I’ll keep my afternoons free then ^^

majingki: Thanks hyung … I’ll let you know as soon as I know what day is good

realjonghyun85: Okay

realjonghyun85: I hope you sleep well!

majingki: You too hyung


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry this has been such a long wait! My other wip has gotten far out of hand and is consuming my life, basically. Now jongyu get to shift from the is-he-gay-dance to the do-i-want-to-risk-my-friendship dance. Hope y’all enjoy! Things are going to move a bit faster after this one.

A few short days after coming out to Jonghyun over text, Jinki is knocking on his apartment door.  The visit is planned, and one he desperately wanted to make before returning to Japan for another month, but the nerves in his stomach still rattle with each rap of his knuckles against the wood.

He had tried, in the time between when he last saw Jonghyun and the present, to convince himself that nothing had changed about their friendship. The jitters he’d had when he first met Jonghyun shouldn’t be back – they were already friends, and both of them being gay doesn’t mean Jonghyun likes him, or that they should  _date_  – but now, what he’d always thought of as a hopeless crush and a one-sided love seems  _possible_.

He can’t resist dancing with the idea of confessing. He’s thought about a dozen ways to say it, or show it, but he doesn’t have the courage to try them.

Though their friendship had been valuable to him before, he  _needed_  it now: Jonghyun is the only person that knows he’s gay, and as far as he’s aware, the only other gay person he’s met in his entire life. It wouldn’t be worth losing the security of that connection so soon after he’s finally gotten it for the first time in his life.

So he’s decided to wait. Unless Jonghyun makes a move, or make it obvious he’s open to the idea, he would keep his romantic feelings to himself.  He’s already done it for over a year, so it shouldn’t be so hard to keep it in a while longer, until he knows where Jonghyun stands and is certain it wouldn’t ruin their friendship.

His chest tightens with anticipation when he hears Jonghyun’s footsteps approach the door. An image of kissing him the moment it opens enters his mind, and he shoves it away, mentally cursing himself for having such a stupid fantasy as the worst time. All he can do is hope that Jonghyun doesn’t notice the flush on his cheeks when the door opens.

“Hey,” Jonghyun greets, smile just a slight bit shyer than usual. “It’s good to see you again without having to wait a whole month.”

“Yeah,” Jinki agrees.  “Same to you.”

Jonghyun’s smile widens. He opens his arms for hug they usually share when they first see each other, and Jinki hesitates, all too conscious of his heart racing in his chest.

Is this just Jonghyun acting like normal? Or is it a sign that he’s interested, if he keeps the same touchiness even when he knows they’re both gay?

Not wanting his awkwardness to be noticed, Jinki forces himself to step forward and into Jonghyun’s arms. His skin prickles when Jonghyun embraces him, and his palms feel clumsy and large over Jonghyun’s back when he returns it. The hug is a little tighter than usual – probably from his own awkwardness – but that’s the only difference he feels. His stomach sinks with disappointment when Jonghyun pulls back.

Jinki forces himself to meet Jonghyun’s eyes unwaveringly. Now that Jonghyun knows he’s interested in men, it doesn’t feel safe to look anywhere other than his face – he can’t pass off glimpses at his muscular body as pure admiration anymore. 

“Has your week been good, hyung?”

“It’s been alright.” Jonghyun shrugs. He gestures for Jinki to head to the kitchen and shuts the door behind him. “How about you?”

“I’ve been fine,” Jinki lies as he toes off his shoes. His mood had been a rollercoaster of alternating relief and anxiety related to coming out – and possibly confessing to Jonghyun – but he couldn’t explain that.

Jonghyun raises an eyebrow, obviously not believing him, but doesn’t call him on it.

“Well, you’re about to be better than fine.” He points to the corner of the counter, which is covered in a massive pile of chip bags. “Ifound those chips you said you’ve been craving, but couldn’t find in Japan. I bought a ton since they were on sale, so I figured we could snack on them tonight, and you could bring whatever’s left with you on the road.”

“Thanks, hyung.” Jinki smiles, genuinely touched. “Does that mean you don’t want to go out tonight?”

“I figured you might not want to – you got pretty drunk last time. Did you want to go out?”

“No, we can stay here,” Jinki says, throat feeling tight. Was this a sign of something? “Did you have something in mind for what you’d want to do?”

“We could watch a movie, if you have one in mind,” Jonghyun says. “Or we could watch TV. Inkigayo’s on in a bit, but I get if you’re sick of anything related to work, though.”

“No, that’s fine. I’d much rather watch that than the twenty-four hour version of Lord of the Rings again.”

Jonghyun purses his lips. “It’s actually closer to twelve hours combined, you know.”

“That’s much more reasonable,” Jinki says. “But really, let’s watch Inkigayo together. I know you try and watch every music show, so I wouldn’t want to make you miss it.”

“I wouldn’t mind missing it. It’s not nearly as enjoyable when your group isn’t promoting.” Jonghyun grins at him wide enough to make Jinki’s stomach float up into his throat. “You pick whatever drink you want from the fridge and grab some chips – I’ll go get the TV set up.”

“Alright.”

A twinge of disappointment pinches at Jinki’s gut when Jonghyun walks past him to the living room, stride as casual as ever. None of this is flirting – it’s just Jonghyun’s usual friendliness, and their usual banter. 

He frowns as he gathers three bags of chips and a drink, annoyed with himself. What had he been expecting? For Jonghyun to bring up the conversation he couldn’t even bring himself to have in person? Or for him to take coming out as an open invitation to be seduced?

Of course, he wouldn’t mind that – but it isn’t fair of him to be disappointed. He should be nothing but grateful for having Jonghyun in his life. Even if coming out to each other doesn’t change things between them, it’s good to know he has at least one person he can be honest with and be fully accepted for who is.

Jonghyun’s voice from the living room jars him out of his thoughts.

“You need help getting anything?”

“No, sorry – just was trying to figure out the best way to carry all these chips.”

He sticks the can of coke he’d grabbed from the fridge under his arm, then scoops up another three bags of chips and hurries out to living room.

“No wonder you had trouble carrying them.” Jonghyun raises an eyebrow at him from the corner of the couch he’d sprawled out in. "I thought you’d be eating one or two bags and taking the rest home – you sure you won’t make yourself sick with that many?”

 “A few of these are for you, hyung.” He tosses a bag at Jonghyun. It smacks him dead in the face, making them both snort with laughter before Jonghyun gives him a mocking frown.

“These are probably all broken now, you know.” Jonghyun complains, but opens the bag anyways.  Jinki seats himself on the opposite end of the couch and opens his own. For a moment, they eat in silence for a moment, their attentions drawn to obnoxious jingles of the commercials on TV, but Jonghyun rolls his bag closed when the opening ot Inkigayo starts.

He turns to Jinki. "Do you know who’s starting promotions this week? I’ve been too distracted to keep track lately.”

Jinki blinks back at him. He wants to ask what had been distracting him, even though he has a good guess, but it feels wrong to force the topic on him.  If Jonghyun wanted to pretend that nothing has changed, he can do the same.

“I actually don’t know who’s promoting either. I haven’t really kept track of anyone outside our company since we started promotions in Japan.”

Jonghyun shrugs and settles back into his seat to get comfortable. “Guess we’ll find out together then.”

“Guess so.”

The show starts off with a sickeningly sweet love song about the instinctive draw between a man and a woman. It feels garish to him, rather than anything genuine, and he finds himself irritated when the hosts’ close the act with glistening smiles and praise for the trite lyrics. He only gives it half of his attention, and tunes out completely when they begin to hype up the sexiness of the next girl group’s performance.

As promised, the choreography is fast-paced and sexual. But while he could normally admire the skill it takes to pull off an act like that in sky-high heels, all he feels now is annoyance at the hoots and cheers of the men in the crowd. It’s a visceral reminder of what he’s expected to find attractive, and he hates it. He’s cycled through a stock of female idol names for so long to keep up appearances. And he’d still have to do that, but he’d thought he could at least complain about how frustrating it was to have to lie in every single interview.

But can he? Jonghyun still hasn’t said a thing about him being gay, and now he has to wonder if he’s even allowed to bring it up. Jonghyun said he could, but it seems hard to believe, with his complete avoidance of the subject. Is he just going to pretend it never happened?

Jinki glowers at the screen. He’s fully aware that he’s being irrational, but he can’t help it.

At least the next song is more suitable for his mood. It’s a boy group, with a few members he knows, presenting a concept of the unspoken misery and pain that comes with unrequited love. Jinki watches the mournful introduction with interest, eyes fixed on the single member dancing to the opening, when Jonghyun says something that makes him forget all he’d been thinking.

“That guy on the left is cute.” He points at the man on the screen with one hand, his other still in the bag of chips. “Do you think so?”

Jinki glances at Jonghyun, then back at idol on screen, irritation sinking away. So Jonghyun hadn’t forgotten.

The tightness in his chest lightens into a different kind, and he fidgets with a string of fabric over the hole of his jeans. It’s the first time anyone has ever asked for his opinion of a man’s cuteness where they’d know what he means if he agrees, and he has to will himself to look past the significance of the question to actually get to answering it.

“He is pretty cute, yeah.” His answer comes out as a mumble, and he’s not even sure how much he means it. The idol’s features are soft, with the round cheeks and long bangs most of the newer groups had been trying for their debut concepts, and it’s not what would usually catch his eye. He points to the one with the sharp eyeline that does. "I think their dancer is my favorite. I met him once, and he’s really nice.”

Jonghyun leans forward, squinting as he follows Jinki’s finger to the member on screen. “Oh, him?” He purses his lips and sits back in his seat. “He’s cute, but I guess he’s not my type.”

“Why not?” Jinki teases, a tentative grin on his lips. “Is it because he’s the tallest? Few people would meet your type if you want someone shorter than you.

Jonghyun rolls his eyes. "No, taller is fine. I’m not picky about anything physical, really.”

“That’s hard to believe, hyung.” He turns to face Jonghyun, unable to resist the chance to steer the conversation. “You must have some preferences for looks, if you can say that guy isn’t your type, and that the first guy was cute.”

Jonghyun flushes, only now realizing the corner he’d backed himself into. “I was just trying to make conversation….all I really look for is a man with a good personality.”

“Then tell me about that.” Jinki pushes Jonghyun’s knee and gives his best smile. “Come on – you’ve probably heard me talk about my type all the time on shows, It’s only fair.“

"Well, that doesn’t count, since you don’t actually like girls. You probably just said whatever you thought they wanted to hear..”

“Kind of, yeah.” Jinki laughs and gives Jonghyun’s knee another shove. “And it’s annoying to always lie, so how about I tell you mine, and you tell me yours.”

Jonghyun snorts, but Jinki can tell from the smile on his lips that he’s embarrassed. “I’ll only agree to that if you go first.”

"Why should I?”

“Because I’m older, and I said so.”

Jinki rolls his eyes. Jonghyun always acted like their age difference didn’t matter until he needed leverage on something he couldn’t win otherwise or he wanted to spend money on him – he should’ve expected this.

Jonghyun leans towards him with a teasing grin. “Well, Jinki-yah? Are you going to tell me your type?”

“It’s…hard to answer honestly, I guess – since I’ve never dated.” He smiles sheepishly when he realizes Jonghyun is hanging intently onto every word. "Can I even say I have a type in that case?”

“I think so. Isn’t there a type of guy that catches your eye more?”

“I guess…” Jinki purses his lips in one last moment of hesitation. “I’ve always looked a little longer at muscular guys. I knew I wasn’t interested in women like most men when I was a trainee, but I kind of figured out I was gay around 2PM’s debut.

Jonghyun throws his head back and laughs. "I guess 2PM was to you what Shinhwa was to me.”

Jinki gapes at him. “Is that really how you figured it out?”

“More or less.” Jonghyun shrugs. “They had that nude photoshoot, you know? After the dozenth time of stealing it from my sister’s room to stare at it, I had to realize  _something_  was there.”

 “I hope you didn’t, uh – ruin it’s condition.”

“I was just looking!” Jonghyun swipes at him, offended. “I wouldn’t do that to my noona’s things. That’s gross.”

Jinki laughs. “I didn’t realize you liked male idols like that. Does that mean you’ve always watched these idol shows for the boys?”

“Somewhat, though I always knew I wanted to do music, so I watched them with my sister for that, too. But eventually…I guess I realized my investment in Hyesung and that risque photobook of them was a little…too strong for me to be straight.” He shakes his head. “Now I really do watch it for the music, though. It helps to keep current with the industry.“

“I’m not sure I believe you,” Jini says, unable to help the slight stir of jealousy in his gut at the thought of Jonghyun watching for other men.

“I do! You know I mostly write for female idols – there’s definitely no attraction there, but I still want to see what’s popular for them.”

Jinki lets the teasing drop. Their attention turns back to the screen, and for a while, Jinki thinks that’s the end of his half of the deal.

He should’ve known better, though.

"So…you’d say 2PM is your type of guy, then?” Jonghyun asks, blank-faced.  Of course Jonghyun wouldn’t drop something until he received a straight answer. “That dancer you pointed out was pretty tall and lean – do you like that type too?”

“I just like his face,” Jinki dodges, embarrassed. “And I can’t really pick. It just depends on the person…”

"Well, whatever you like, you don’t need to be embarrassed about it, Jinki-yah,” Jonghyun reassures to sooth Jinki’s awkwardness. “Especially if you like muscular guys – it’s a preference a lot of us have, so I get the appeal. That was half of my reason for starting to work out.”

Jinki stares at Jonghyun in bewilderment. "You joined a gym just to look at guys?”

“That’s not what I meant.” Jonghyun crosses his arms and stares Jinki down. “I wanted to look attractive  _myself,_ obviously. Do you really think I’m the type to scope out people like that?”

"I don’t know.” Jinki raises an eyebrow at Jonghyun. “You might. You haven’t told me your type yet.”

“Fine, fine.” Jonghyun shakes his head and smiles. “But I don’t have much of a physical type, myself. It’s more about personality for me…just someone I can get along with easily, who doesn’t mind me doting on them a bit,” Jonghyun says, smiling softly. “And round cheeks, I guess…I think most of the guys I’ve been interested in look like that.”

“That’s a physical thing,” Jinki mumbles. When the screen goes dark and cuts to commercials, he spares a quick glance at himself in the reflection from the TV. He thinks he might fit that description. And Jonghyun definitely doted on him with meals and little trinkets. Did that mean his description was a hint?

Before he can think it over fully, Jonghyun stretches out his leg to grab Jinki’s attention with a poke of his foot. “Jinki-yah…I want you to know, I’m really glad you opened up to me. It’s nice to talk about this stuff with you.”

“Yeah.” Jinki rubs at the spot on his thigh where Jonghyun had touched him, cheeks feeling warm. “I was kind of afraid you were going to pretend I never said anything, or that you forgot, when you didn’t say anything at first.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” Jonghyun says. "And I’m sorry my approach worried you…it probably wasn’t the best. I just wasn’t sure what to say, since you told me I’m the first person who knows. I didn’t want to make you feel like everything was really different, you know? I was worried about scaring you.”

Jinki stares him down. “You bringing it up right away wouldn’t have scared me nearly as much as thinking I imagined it all did.”

Jonghyun winces. “Sorry. I guess I overthought things?”

“A little bit,” Jinki says. “But I’ve always known you tend to do that.”

Jonghyun gives him a guilty smile. “Yeah.”

The conversation lulls back into a comfortable silence when Inkigayo resumes. Jinki sinks back into the cushions of the couch, relieved. He had worried that he’d feel more tense around Jonghyun, now that there was a possibility of his crush being all-too-obvious. But being able to finally share that he’s gay – and talk about it like it were something simple and normal – outweighs that more than he could have ever guessed. He’s surprised at how comfortable he is talking about it, when he’s never gotten a chance to before, but he supposes everything with Jonghyun has always been easy.

Emboldened by his realization, he taps Jonghyun on the knee to get his attention.

“Hyung, can I ask you something? About being…you know?”

“Of course.” Jonghyun sits up, expression serious. “Anything you want to know or need to talk about, I’m here for you.”

Jinki flushes, caught off guard by Jonghyun’s sincerity. “It’s not a big question, I was just curious, because of how _I_ found out about you being….” He waves his hand, somehow unable to utter the word despite his comfort with this subject. “Does anyone know about it besides Young bae?”

“A few people.” Jonghyun stops to think carefully before he continues. "My family knows, and a few friends know too, like Sojin and a guy I know from high school. Besides Young Bae, just one person on Blue Night knows, and that’s it as far as the industry goes.  I have a few friends from gay bars, too, but they’ve obviously known since we met in a space where everyone’s like that.”

“You think you’ll ever tell anyone else?”

“Probably not.” Jonghyun shrugs. “The most important people in my life all know about it – you were really the only one that didn’t, since we just became friends this year. I probably should have told you earlier, but it was hard to see the need to share it, since I haven’t been dating recently…makes the risk kind of pointless.”

Jinki looks back at the screen, unable to meet Jonghyun’s eyes. ”…you’ve been single for a while, then?“

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jonghyun freeze. "Yeah, uh – it’s been around two years since I’ve had anything serious. I’m still kind of open to the possibility, I guess, but I’ve been focusing on myself and my work so much, I haven’t really had time.”

“I can understand that,” Jinki agrees. A wave of relief falls over him. Though he’d been fairly certain Jonghyun was single, a part of him had wondered if Jonghyun might’ve been hiding a boyfriend while he kept his sexuality quiet.

Not that it should matter, since they were only friends all this time – but it’s nice to know that there hadn’t been anyone in the background while his feelings towards Jonghyun had deepened. It makes him more sure that all the little moments might’ve meant something.

Jonghyun clears his throat. “What about your dating life, Jinki-yah?”

“I already told you, hyung. I’m single.”

“I know that.” Jonghyun frowns. “What I meant to ask about is whether you’re interested in dating at all. You’ve always said you were too busy, but that was when girls came up. Is that just an excuse to avoid women, or actually how you feel?”

“A bit of both.” Jinki smiles bitterly. “It keeps the members and my parents off my back about my lack of interest. And I  _am_  really busy – you know I’ve been in Japan most of the past year, and now I’ve been going between here and there every few weeks.” He pauses to lick his lips. “But I’m not totally opposed to dating. I’d just have to be even more careful about it than most other idols.”

Jonghyun nods in solemn agreement. “It’d probably be difficult.”

“At least the next trip we have to Japan should be the last for a while, but still…even our Korean schedules can be rough.”

Jonghyun blinks. “It’s your last trip?”

“For the year, yeah. The rest of the year is going to be performances here, and then we’ll start preparations for our next album.”

Jonghyun grins. “I thought it might be soon, since SM contacted me about a demo for one of the other tracks on it, but I wasn’t sure. It’ll be good to have you back and cheer you on again. Let me know when I can start posting on Twitter.”

Jinki looks down, already feeling the tips of his ears burning. “Thanks, hyung. I will.”

Jonghyun spares him another smile before turning back to the TV. They spend the rest of the night snacking on chips and commenting on the various attractiveness of the male idols performing until it’s late into the night. Reluctantly, he reminds Jonghyun he has a flight in the morning, and is seen out the door with the usual smile-and-hug routine he gets every time they part.

It’s not quite how he imagined his first visit to Jonghyun’s place going after he came out. He expected a heartfelt discussion, or for him to blurt out his feelings in some clumsy and accidental way – but it’s easier than he thought.

 

***

 

Jinki shoves his hat further down over his eyes. He doesn’t want anyone in the Blue Night studio to recognize him, other than the few staff members he’d contacted before arriving, and he  _definitely_  doesn’t want Jonghyun to catch him until he’s ready to go on air. That would ruin the surprise of his early return from Japan.

When the staff member leading him nears the window to the broadcasting room Jonghyun is in, Jinki crouches low, staying out of view as he continues to follow her down the rest of the hall. She gives him a quick amused look over her shoulder, then continues ahead and gives Jonghyun an innocent wave through the glass.

Once they’re safely past it, he stands fully again and adjusts his grip on the handle of the coffee holder with the drinks he’d brought for him and Jonghyun.

He hopes Jonghyun will appreciate the surprise visit. They’d talked about him visiting the show when he returned from Japan, and Jonghyun was always doing so much to support and promote him and his group – it only made sense to return the favor. All he had to do to arrange it was send a quick text to his manager, and the rest of it was taken care of by the various staff involved. SM was eager to get his group’s presence back in Korea, and the Blue Night staff he spoke with were more than happy to have an idol appear on their shows for free.

Jinki licks his lips and looks up at the bright red text of the "On Air” sign above the door. Like last time, his stomach is in a knot at the thought of seeing Jonghyun. “When should I go in?”

“I’ll have you go in right when this next song is up – I want to give him a bit of a warning that he’ll be having a guest, since he didn’t plan on it.” She grins broadly. “Plus, I think his viewers will like hearing the moments before he realizes the surprise.”

Jinki nods and rests a hand on the door handle, running his thumb along the cool metal to distract himself from the butterflies in his stomach. It really hasn’t been that long since he’s seen Jonghyun – only a month – but with their Japanese promotions finally over, they can see each other nearly as much as they like until winter.

The possibilities that holds makes him too anxious to think straight.

After what feels like an hour, the PD finally steps past him to open the door to the studio and peeks inside. “Jonghyun - you have a guest.”

“What? Really?” Jonghyun’s voice echoes clearly from the studio, and it’s all too easy to imagine his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “No one told me someone would be coming.”

“You’ll be fine, I’m sure. You already know him well. We already prepared prompts for you on the screen, so you can go ahead and read those.”

With an interested hum, Jonghyun turns away from the door to look at the screen, giving Jinki a chance to slip into the room unnoticed.

“A singer with a warm voice who we miss…a shining idol…?” He reads aloud, realization dawning slowly, and Jinki finds himself grinning despite the cringe-worthy description. Jonghyun spins quickly in his chair, eyes widening the instant they set on Jinki. “Jinki – Really?!”

“Hi, hyung,” Jinki mouths. He lifts the brim of his cap to unhide his face.

Jonghyun tries to stand, only to get caught on his headphone cords, and waves quickly for Jinki to come join him at the desk.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” He breaks out into a grin even and takes the cup of coffee Jinki offers, then leans back. “I thought you weren’t going to be back till tomorrow.”

Jinki puts the headphones on that the staff had set up for him and leans into the mic. “Well, I lied.”

“You’re awful, Jinki-yah.” Jonghyun kicks his feet under the table, but freezes when the PD raises a hand at him through the window. “Ah, I should call you Onew-ssi here – sorry.” He scrunches his nose. “You’re lucky I didn’t swear when I saw you, since you came without warning. I haven’t seen you for nearly a month, and you suddenly show up at my work?”

Jinki gives a pout of mock-hurt. “Do you not like my surprise, hyung?”

“Of course I do! You just caught me off guard.” He looks around the studio. “Did everyone but me know he was coming?”

Jinki shrugs, and behind him, the staff nod through the window. “Pretty much.”

Jonghyun hums. "I’ll have to thank them later for letting you on. It’s a treat to see my favorite dongsaeng like this….I still can’t believe you’re here! You’ve been in Japan so long.”

“I know, that’s why I wanted to see you as soon as I could,” Jinki says. “I’ve missed you and Blue Night a lot.”

Jonghyun hums skeptically. “You really went through all this trouble just to see me? You’re not here to promote anything at all?”

“I could promote myself a little, if you want me to.” Jinki teases back.

“Of course, of course.” Jonghyun smiles against his microphone.  "Since you’re being so nice, I’ll let you promote yourself a little.“

"Well, we just released our first full album in Japan. And we’ll be working on our next Korean album soon, which should come with lots of promotions and some new concerts.”

“That’s impressive! I’m not sure if I have any listeners from Japan, but I’m sure your fans will want to import the album now. Can you tell me anything about your next Korean album, or would that get you in trouble?”

“I can’t say  _too_  much without getting in trouble,” he answers honestly. “But I do think that a certain radio host I know may have written a song for it.”

“Oh, I’ve heard those rumors too.” Jonghyun laughs lightly. “But you probably don’t want to talk about work, do you? I’m just not sure what to say, since that’s usually why we have idols on the show, and I see you more as a friend than a celebrity.” He sighs. “All I can think of is the usual questions you get, like about your ideal type and ideal date and things….you’re probably sick of that, too.”

"I don’t mind answering those,” Jinki says. “I’m not usually on shows late at night, so I imagine any questions you or your listeners have might be a little different than the usual ones I get.”

“Oh?” Jonghyun eyes him suspiciously. “Be careful, Onew-ssi, you’re going to get me in a scandal.”

“I’m sure your listeners wouldn’t do that to you.”

"True – they probably can think of better questions than I can.” Jonghyun laughs and turns to the nearby screen that updates with the text messages viewers send in. “We already have a bunch of questions about your ideal type, and some other ones as well…do you want to pick yourself, or should I just grab one?”

Jinki shrugs. "You can pick.”

“Alright then, I’ll go for the first message, in honor of your first japanese album: ‘SHINee is known for being noona-killers, but do you really prefer someone older, or is that just what you say because of your debut song? Would you ever date someone younger than you?’” Jonghyun laughs when he finishes reading the question. “I can’t say I know what you’ve mentioned in your past interviews, but that was a pretty direct way to ask if you’ve been lying.”

“I can see why they might wonder about that,” Jinki says. “But I’ve honestly never lied when I said I’d prefer dating someone older. I suppose if someone younger was interested in me, I might still consider it, but I can’t say I’ve ever really had feelings for a younger person.” Jonghyun’s eyes meet his as he leans closer into the mic. “I have no experience with dating, either, so it’d be nice to have one of us know what we’re doing. I wouldn’t mind a partner taking the lead with me.”

Jonghyun stares at him a moment for a long moment, cheeks turning red. “Really? That, uh… surprises me.”

Jinki rests his chin in his hand and tilts his head with a coy smile. He might be pushing it now, but he can’t help it, not after seeing the interest that had flashed across Jonghyun’s face at his statement. “What makes you say that?”

“Even with new things, you’re always very deliberate, and you definitely don’t like being told what to do. It’s hard to imagine you wanting guidance from anyone.” Jonghyun pauses. “But I suppose dating is a bit different from other things?”

“I see it as really different, yeah.”

Jonghyun laughs lightly. His cheeks are still flushed, but his voice sounds as professional as ever when he speaks. “Well, I’m sure your older fans will be glad to hear that. I hope you’re being honest.”

“Like I said last time, we’re close enough to speak honestly.”

“That’s true, we have said that before.“ Jonghyun’s fingers tap against the desk as he shifts his eyes over to the monitor. He grabs the screen and turns it towards Jinki, then points to the title of a familiar song. "I think it’s about time for us to get back to music, though. Do you want to introduce the next song, Jinki?”

“Ah, yes – it’s the song Jonghyun-hyung wrote for us.” Jinki beams as he looks at the queue. “He said he wrote this for our voices, and mine especially. Please enjoy it.”

With a quick flick of a switch, Jonghyun starts the song. He pulls of his headphones, and Jinki does the same.

“I still can’t believe you planned this surprise. Are you going to stick around for the rest of the show?”

“I might as well, since I’m your guest. I thought we could hang out together after, too – I bought something I want to show you.”

“Oh, what is it?”

“Not telling you. It’s a surprise.”

Jonghyun lets out a small huff and leans back in his chair. As the music continues to play through the speakers, they catch up on all they hadn’t already discussed over text from the past month until the PD gives the countdown for them to go back on air. They both nod at her, and Jinki puts his headphones on and adjusts in his seat, crossing his legs to get more comfortable for the long interview he guesses might come next.

As he adjusts, he catches Jonghyun watching him. His eyes linger briefly on the slight reveal of skin where his shorts have ridden slightly up his thighs, but before it turns into a stare, Jonghyun is speaking into the microphone again, closing out the song with a few words about its composition process. 

Jinki covers a giddy smile behind his drink. Had Jonghyun been checking him out? He’d only worn the shorts to deal with the summer heat, but if getting looks like that that came with wearing them…well, he’ll have to do that more often.

The rest of the radio show passes quickly. He answers a few more questions from listeners, a few from Jonghyun, and introduces a few songs. The ending theme of the show plays as Jonghyun gives his last few words, and when the “On Air” light finally blinks off, he looks over to Jinki with a smile.

“Are you still up for hanging out tonight? It’s pretty late.“

"We used to stay out this late, didn’t we? I’ll be fine.”

“I know, but I figure you’re still catching up on rest after Japan.”

“I can rest some other time, hyung – I missed you, and I don’t have to any plans until late tomorrow. I’ll be able to sleep in.”

"I missed you, too.” Jonghyun chews on the inside of his cheek, smile a bit shy. “And thanks for being such a good guest. I really appreciate it.”

"Of course.” Jinki grins. “When I’m Onew, I’m nothing but well-behaved.”

“Right – that’s the good side of you, isn’t it?” Jonghyun stands and gestures for Jinki to join him. "You can turn that off now, though – I figure we’ll be drinking a lot tonight.”

Jinki laughs. “We’ll see.”

He follows Jonghyun out of the studio and through the rest of the MBC building to the parking lot. Once outside, he trots out of the building ahead, not wanting to let him read the excitement on his face. “Come on, hyung, I want to show you what I bought now that we’re outside.”

Jonghyun lets out a small questioning noise, but hurries after him when Jinki doesn’t respond to it with anything more than a grin.

He hadn’t told Jonghyun that he had driven here himself in his new car, or even that he’d bought one. The extra money from their Japanese promotions had been more than enough to justify the splurge, but Jonghyun didn’t know that, and the idea of seeing his hyung’s face when he realizes the bright new BMW parked next to his own is Jinki’s was too enticing to ignore.

When Jinki stops besides the car, he pulls the keys out of his pocket with dramatic flair and pushes the unlock button, making Jonghyun startle when the headlights blink. Jonghyun looks between him and the car, one eyebrow raised. “…This isn’t your manager’s car.”

“No, it’s not.” Jinki grins.

“It’s yours, then?”

He nods. “It’s the car from an international idol’s income.”

Jonghyun leans closer to the car, peering through the tinted windows and whistles. “This interior is way too nice, Jinki-yah. How much did you spend on this? Isn’t this your first car?”

“I’m not telling you how much it cost, hyung.” Jinki ushers Jonghyun out of the way to the driver’s side so he can unlock his door.  “But yeah, It’s the first car I’ve owned all for myself. The one I bought before this was just for my parents.“

"You’re so filial,” Jonghyun teases. He runs a gentle hand along the body of the car as he circles around the trunk to the passenger door. “I’m guessing you’re going to take me for a ride in it, then?”

Jinki smiles. "That’s part of why I wanted to visit. I can’t drink, since I’m driving, but I figured we could grab some food or you could drink a bit. I miss eating with you.”

“You miss me  _treating_  you, is what you mean,” Jonghyun corrects. “But I did promise you something good this time – so I’ll leave it up to you where we go.”

He hums, giving it a moment of thought, and opens the door to get into the car, only speaking when Jonghyun joins him. "I don’t think I’m feeling picky tonight, hyung. You can decide where we go..”

“There’s really nothing you’re craving? Even after being gone for months.”

Jinki shrugs. “Not really. Most of what I miss is snack foods.”

“Then we’ll get that,” Jonghyun says. “It’s pretty late for most restaurants, anyway. Let’s just stop at a convenience shop and grab some snacks to eat by Hangang. When’s the last time you got to go there?“

"I can’t even remember…” Jinki says, shifting his attention to the car as he starts it up to get them going. “Maybe a few years ago, right after debut? The river’s such a public space, I try to avoid it.”

“I don’t think anyone would spot us this late at night.”

Jinki snorts. “You’d be surprised. But still, it sounds nice – we can go there.”

“Good. I think it’ll help you relax, after all your promotions and traveling. I go there sometimes alone, and it always helps clear my mind. It’ll be nice to share it with you.”

Jinki doesn’t bother to hide his smile. "You’re too sentimental, hyung.”

“You would be too, if your best friend was gone for months." 

Something about Jonghyun’s tone makes Jinki hang onto the sentence with a tightness in his chest. At the next red light, he steals a glance at Jonghyun’s expression, only to find him staring at the window, reflection impossible to discern with the neon lights from the buildings lining the roadside. When he recognizes one of them as a convenience, he braves breaking the silence. "Is this an alright store to stop for snacks? You know the area better than me.”

“This’ll be good, yeah. We’re close to the park, so our food will still be warm if we get anything we need to heat up.”

Jinki nods and pulls into the small empty parking lot.

When the automatic doors slide open, Jinki tugs his hat down lower and scans the small shop, only straightening his back when he sees that it’s empty. Usually, people don’t recognize him without makeup, but he doesn’t want to risk being spotted or chased by fans on his first night back.

Jonghyun nudges him and heads down the first aisle before spinning around to face him. “What kind of snacks do you want? Chips or sweets? Or some kind of meal we can heat up?”

“I’d rather have bit of everything than a full meal. I’ve missed all our usual snack foods. Those chips you got me didn’t last long enough,” Jinki admits.

Jonghyun laughs. “I missed your appetite, you know. It gives me an excuse to snack.”

He returns to the front to grab a basket, then walks down the shelf, pulling boxes of crackers and bags of chips from the shelves until his basket stuffed to the brim. Figuring Jonghyun might want something to drink, Jinki gets a basket of his own and picks up a single bottle of soju, only to have it swiped out of his hands the moment when Jonghyun suddenly steps behind him.

“Hyung?”

“I already promised to pay, remember? Let me handle it.”

Jinki pushes his tongue against the inside of his cheek. Somehow, Jonghyun’s insistence on treating feels different now that he knows Jonghyun is gay. “If you say so.”

“I do.”

The slide of the store’s doors opening followed by a rumble of giggles from the front turns Jinki away from Jonghyun’s smile. He stands on his toes to check out the group, swearing inwardly when he sees it’s a full group of girls in fashionable clothes. Though he knows that not that every group of girls would have his fans, it certainly increases the probability.

He pulls his hat lower again and tries to tuck his long hair under the brim, hunching his shoulders as he stares back at the liquor section with focused interest.

Jonghyun spots the same group immediately and moves to hover beside him, blocking him from view. He places a hand on Jinki’s shoulder to get his attention and leans up to whisper in his ear. “You can sneak off to the car, I’ll get the rest of what we need.”

Jinki sighs with relief. “Thanks, hyung.”

When Jonghyun’s hand drags off of him as he ducks down, he suppresses a shiver and hurries out of the shop. His heart isn’t just racing from the fear of being hounded for autographs, and when he reaches the car, he has to take a deep breath to stop it from bursting out of his chest. He’d forgotten how often Jonghyun’s touches bordered on sensual – he’d have to get used to that again.

Just a few minutes after he recovers, Jonghyun taps on the window of the passenger side with a grin and lifts the bags to show his prizes.

He unlocks it quickly, eyes widening when Jonghyun pushes a bag full of soju bottles into the backseat. "You’re not planning on me sharing that with you, are you? I’m driving.”

“Damn, I forgot.” Jonghyun laughs. “I’m so used to me driving or us getting a cab. I guess I’ll just drink what I can, and you can have whatever’s left.”

“I guess I’ll have a lot of free liquor, then…you’ve probably lost any tolerance you had last year since I’ve been gone.” Jonghyun reaches over to flick at the brim of his hat, trying to knock it off, but when it stays, wiggles his fingers against the steering wheel and grins victoriously.  "Seem like you’ve gotten worse at bullying me, too.“

"I never bully you, Jinki-yah.” Jonghyun pouts. “It’s called teasing.”

“Well, whatever you want to call it, I don’t mind." 

He starts up the car, heart lifting at the lingering smile he catches on Jonghyun’s face. It feels so good to have things are already back to normal – and if Jonghyun is going to tease him like he used to, he should be able to do the same without drawing any suspicion.

Emboldened, Jinki places his hand on Jonghyun’s headrest and turns to look behind him to back out, bringing their bodies close as he focuses on looking for traffic behind them.

Jonghyun smiles nervously, eyes fixed on a neutral spot ahead of them until Jinki finally pulls out and moves away. "You’re really worried about hitting someone, huh?”

“This car’s too expensive for me to risk it, yeah.”

When Jonghyun makes a quiet noise of agreement, Jinki glances over at him, now worried he’d gone too far. Had that been too much like flirting? Or did Jonghyun just look awkward for some other reason?

Worrying his lip, he continues to drive towards the river. The remainder of the trip is silent. When they find a parking lot, Jinki pulls into a spot and cuts off the engine. “Well, here we are.”

Jonghyun rests his hand on the door handle as if about leave the car, but turns to him. “Are you alright? You seem a bit…off, since the store.”

“Do I?” Jinki swallows and fiddles with the keys still in his palm. “Sorry.”

Jonghyun’s expression softens. “You don’t need to apologize. I think I’m the one that made things awkward…I know you’re used to me being the talkative one.”

“You have been a little quiet.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Jonghyun scratches the back of his neck and sighs. “It’s hard to explain, since it doesn’t quite make sense. We only saw each other a month ago, and we talk over the phone all the time, but…I guess I’m just worried we won’t get along as well as we used to.”

Jinki smiles, relieved to hear that the problem isn’t him. "Is that really all that’s worrying you?”

Jonghyun smiles back at him sheepishly. “I guess so, yeah.”

“I don’t think you should worry, hyung. If we can keep in touch over nothing but text for months, I think we get along just fine. And we’ve always had an easy time talking in person. I don’t think it’ll be different now.”

“You’re right.” Jonghyun shakes his head at himself. “I’m just overthinking again. I’m doing too much of that lately…”

“Don’t worry about it, seriously.” Jinki assures him with a squeeze of his shoulder. Reaching into the backseat, he pulls out the bag of soju bottles and places it on Jonghyun’s lap. “You’ll feel more talkative after a few drinks.”

Jonghyun laughs. He leans against the car door to open it, then gestures for Jinki to join him with a wave of his hand. Jinki scrambles grabs the snacks from the back, double-checks the locks of his car, a and jogs to catch up with Jonghyun on the sidewalk path he’d already started down. Once in stride with Jonghyun, he slows to a walk, following his gaze up to the moon

“It’s always pretty this late,” Jonghyun comments.

“It is,” Jinki agrees.

He spends a short moment staring up, then looks back down to adjust the bags in his hands, afraid to linger for too long. Already, it feels too romantic, and his chest is aching with the thought of how much more perfect it would be if he were sharing this with Jonghyun as a partner and not just a friend.

Jonghyun turns to him with a small smile. “Let’s get a spot on the grass, so we’re out of the way if anyone comes through. We can still see the river from there.”

When Jinki nods, Jonghyun leads him to a grassy hill a few meters from the nearest light on the sidewalk. The moment he sets the bags on the ground, Jonghyun sits and reaches for a bottle of soju, uncapping it quickly to take a drink and scrunching his nose at the taste.

Jinki pulls the bag of drinks towards him to grab the soda he had spotted in it earlier. "You know, when you were quiet earlier…I was worried you were nervous about me driving.”

“Not at all. I’d trust you with my life, Jinki-yah.” He raises his glass towards Jinki for a mock toast and grins broader when Jinki meets it with his soda.

He smiles back. “Thanks, hyung.”

The quiet that settles between them is comfortable now, unmarred by the awkwardness and misunderstandings that had been there before. But Jinki still feels unsettled. Alone by the river like this, there’s no distractions to keep him from relearning every curve of Jonghyun’s jaw that he’d missed, and  with Jonghyun in a sleeveless shirt, every muscle of his full arms is defined in perfect shadow as he rests back on his hands in the grass. It’s hard not to stare.

He forces himself to turn out to the river when Jonghyun turns to slip his now-empty bottle of soju back in the bag.

“Do you remember that night in Japan after your concert? When we wandered around for a bit and it started snowing?” Jonghyun eases himself back onto the grass with a content sigh. “Tonight kind of feels like that night, somehow…”

“Huh.” Jinki takes a drink from his soda, watching the movement of lights across the riverbend. “You think so?”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun says. “I mean, we’re not in the middle of the city right now – and it’s kind of the opposite of it in a way, since you’re coming back here instead of staying behind in Japan…but it feels similar to me.”

“I get what you mean, though I’m not sure why it feels that way,” Jinki says. He remembers the weight in his chest that night: how badly he had wanted to say something more meaningful than a simple goodbye, and how afraid he’d been of the consequences. The weight isn’t gone, but it’s changed – there’s no fear in behind it now, only a pleasant pinch of longing and tension in his chest that comes and goes with Jonghyun’s smile. He rolls over onto his side and props his head up on his elbow to look at Jonghyun. "You didn’t know I was gay back then. That’s a pretty big difference." 

"That’s true,” Jonghyun agrees. His lips soften into a smile that Jinki can’t place as the silence sits between them. He grabs the hem of his shirt and flaps it to relieve himself from the heat. “It wasn’t so damn hot and humid then, either.”

Jinki laughs. “It was snowing, yeah. That’s definitely the biggest change from now.”

“Besides you thinking I was straight, too…I guess there’s more differences than I thought.” Jonghyun lets his shirt fall back against his stomach and sighs. “Never mind. Forget I said that.”

"If it feels that way, it feels that way, hyung.” Jinki shrugs. “And it’s possible we had some sense about each other, back then – I think a part of me wondered sometimes, even before Young bae mentioned it..”

“Really?” Jonghyun’s eyebrows lift with interest. “I’ve never heard that before – I like to think I do a pretty good job of hiding that from other people in the industry.”

“Well, we’re more than just industry friends now. I had no idea when we first met. But as we got closer, there were things that made me wonder…“ Jinki trails off, trying to think, and grins at the first memory that comes to him. "You remember that time you were late getting ready and I followed you into your room? You have that picture of two shirtless boys up on your mantle.”

Jonghyun laughs. “Ah, that one…I actually bought it for the colors more than the subject, but I can see how that tipped you off. A straight guy probably wouldn’t have put that up in their room.”

“Yeah, but it still wasn’t enough for me to be sure – not enough to say anything myself.” Jinki takes a deep breath. “If Young bae hadn’t outed you that night on accident, I’m not sure I ever would have told you.”

Jonghyun lowers his eyes, keeping his voice to a whisper even though they’re still completely alone. “Do you think you ever would have told anyone?”

“No.” Jinki takes a fistful of grass into his hand and yanks it from the ground, only to let it fall back to the ground as a disarray of strands. “I’d already decided not to say anything about it a few years back, when I realized I was gay. I didn’t think anything would change enough to make it okay for me to talk about it.” He swallows. “Even though I was pretty sure you wouldn’t hate me for it, I didn’t know how to say it. I’m not good at confessions.“


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is long – like 12k – but I thought it would be best to keep it all together since so much happens in this part. It’s a big moment for these two, and the rest of this is a lot of fluff (and some other good stuff). 8) Hope y’all enjoy it! We’re definitely nearing the end…depending on how I divide things up, the next part might be the last (excluding a small little epilogue).

Jinki pulls into the parking garage for Jonghyun’s apartment, one eye on the other man as he comes to a slow and careful stop in the nearest spot he can find near the door. Though Jonghyun had never thrown up after drinking before, Jinki had never seen him  _this_ drunk.

He really shouldn’t have let Jonghyun start on that second bottle of soju.

“I’m not  _that_  wasted, Jinki-yah. You don’t need to drive so slow.” Jonghyun slings an arm across the center console to give Jinki an uncoordinated shove. “You know I wouldn’t get sick in your new car.”

“Not risking it, hyung.” Jinki turns off the engine with a sigh. “Are you going to be able to walk on your own, or do you need help?”

“I think I should be okay.” Jonghyun looks down at his fastened seat belt with furrowed brows, all his concentration on the buckle as he tries to free himself. “Just getting out of this thing is going to be the hard part.”

Jinki waits, unsure how to help as he watches Jonghyun struggle with the simple task. The cheerful shout of success he gives when he finally unsnaps the buckle is cut short when it snaps back against him, trapping his arm and neck.

He sighs. “…Just let me help you with this, hyung.”

“Alright. I obviously need it.”

When Jinki reaches over to help, Jonghyun stiffens, laughter dying in an instant. The abrupt quiet in the car that makes Jinki’s skin tingle, bringing the fact that his hands are currently over Jonghyun’s chest and neck into sharp relief in his mind. Swallowing, Jinki concentrates on getting Jonghyun unwrapped from the taunt strap as quickly as he can and pulls back the moment he’s free.

“You’re free, hyung.”

Jinki pushes down on Jonghyun’s shoulder when he moves to stand, keeping him seated. "Stay put, please. I’m not risking you getting my door dinged up trying to get out,”

He ignores Jonghyun’s muffled protest and steps out of the car, watching with amusement as Jonghyun’s head circles around to follow him every step of the way to the passenger door. Jinki opens it for him, then offers a hand.

Jonghyun quickly grasps his arm in both hands, and Jinki smiles. “Did you think I was going to leave you in here or something, hyung?“

“You know I trust you more than that.” Jonghyun finishes standing and checks the door closed with his hip, then turns to Jinki with a cocky grin. “See? I’m coordinated now.”

“You feel good taking the stairs, then?”

Jonghyun shakes his head, a guilty smile taking up his face as he stumbles to hold onto Jinki for balance. “I think the elevator would be better. We walked a lot along the river, so my legs are kinda tired, you know?”

Jinki grins. “Of course.”

The journey to the garage’s elevator is a coordinated effort that takes them twice the time it normally would. When they finally reach the doors and step inside, Jonghyun tucks his head against Jinki’s shoulder and squints at the buttons. “I’m glad I’m on the third floor, even though it means stairs. It’s your third year as an idol, right? I think that’s nice, that it matches…”

“Yeah.” Jinki shuffles Jonghyun’s arm into better position over his shoulder, figuring he’ll need the support when the elevator comes to a stop. Sure enough, Jonghyun jostles against him when they reach the third floor and nearly loses his footing.

He laughs. “You saved me.”

"Sure did, hyung.” Jinki drags Jonghyun out of the elevator and to his apartment door, then slides up the keypad cover. “What’s the code”

“My noona’s birthday, August 8th.” Jinki tries that, frowning when the light beeps red in protest. Jonghyun stares at it, then shakes his head. “No, wait, I changed it recently – I think it’s 0719.”

Jinki presses in the second code, trying to concentrate on the numbers rather than the breath that travels along his jaw as Jonghyun continues to think aloud. After the second try, he finally gets it, and the door unlocks with a beep that cues him to push Jonghyun inside.

“Why haven’t I ever given you the code to my place before? You come over all the time anyway.”

“I don’t know, hyung.” Once they’re both inside, he drags Jonghyun towards sink in the kitchen. He needs to work on getting Jonghyun hydrated and sobered up before sending him to bed. “Let’s get you some water, alright? You’re going to have an awful hangover in the morning, but we can make it a little less miserable if you get some water.”

“I’m so hungry, though,” Jonghyun groans. “Wouldn’t you rather eat something? If you order us chicken, I’ll pay.”

“I think you might be too drunk for anything but going to bed now. I want to make sure you get there safely, but I should probably go home after you that.”

“Home?” Jonghyun whines, leaning heavier on Jinki to emphasize his protest. “You can’t just – just get me drunk and leave me here. Being drunk alone is  _boring_.”

Jinki bites his lip, trying to ignore the way Jonghyun’s hand has somehow snaked under his collar in his search for support. “You’ll be fine, hyung. You can watch some TV.”

Jonghyun grumbles a protest. His hair nuzzles against Jinki’s neck when he wraps his arm around his waist and presses closer. “’s not fun, without you. And I’m hungry – if you’re not going to order anything, you could at least grab me some snacks from the car, or make something.”

“I thought you were the hyung,” Jinki complains, faking annoyance. “Shouldn’t you be taking care of me?”

“Not when I’m this drunk, and you’re entirely sober,” Jonghyun giggles. He holds onto Jinki by the sleeve of his shirt and drags him into the kitchen. “You know I take care of you the rest of the time.”

Jinki grumbles an agreement. He’s too fluttery from Jonghyun clinging onto him to protest, and just as incapable of teasing him back. It’s obvious Jonghyun is too drunk to think, so he shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as he is, but it’s hard not to when he’s so damn close.

He guides them both towards the pantry, hoping that if Jonghyun has snacks to worry about he’ll be distracted. "Do you have any chips or instant stuff in here? I think it’s a little late for me to try and cook anything.”

As he leans into the pantry, Jonghyun’s hand moves lower, wrapping around his hipbone so suddenly he has to stop to catch his breath.

“I missed you so much, Jinki-yah,” Jonghyun mumbles, leaning all his weight forward to lean against him fully. His other hand reaches for the hem of Jinki’s shirt, and when Jinki jolts and turns to pull it out of his hands, Jonghyun gives him a smile so soft and sincere his heart rises up into his throat. “I’m really glad you’re back.”

Jinki swallows. His hands are still over Jonghyun’s, and that feels like too much when they’re exchanging words like this. “I missed you too, hyung.”

The corner of Jonghyun’s lip quirks. He looks down at their hands and starts to make slow circles around Jinki’s palm with his thumb. “We got so close in such a short time, and then you had to leave…it was hard.”

“It was, yeah,” Jinki agrees, words coming out as a whisper. He’s not sure why – maybe it’s because Jonghyun’s words are heavy and slow from the soju, or because it seems like he needs the comfort – but his voice is quiet enough that Jonghyun instinctively leans forward to hear him better. He’s close enough to make Jinki’s stomach swoop, and close enough that he wonders what he would do if Jonghyun leaned in those few centimeters to kiss him.

Jinki swallows. He can’t move, because Jonghyun isn’t moving either. His face remains only a short bit away, and Jinki stares at him, taking in the warm and inviting look in his eyes with a slow breath.

This is closer than they’ve ever been.

As if on its own, Jinki’s hand travels up Jonghyun’s arm, and his head tilts down, following the memory of every time he’s imagined this. He only realizes what he’s heading towards when Jonghyun’s fingers clutch tighter at his shirt, but he doesn’t stop – the hint of anticipation in the gesture is what gives him the courage to close the last distance between them. Pressing his lips lightly against Jonghyun’s, he pulls back after a pause, nearly shaking at the wave of warmth that dances down into his stomach.

Jonghyun’s lips part as he tries to find air. He searches Jinki’s face quickly, pupils wide and eyelids hooded as his gaze dashes from Jinki’s eyes to his cheeks to his mouth in disbelief.

Jinki doesn’t have time to question the look Jonghyun gives him. It’s barely a second before Jonghyun is leaning completely against him, one hand on his shoulder for balance as he pulls himself onto his toes to bring their lips together a second time.

Caught off guard, Jinki stumbles back into the pantry, bringing Jonghyun with him as he gropes blindly along Jinki’s back and presses their bodies together. For a moment, Jonghyun’s lips slip away as he falls off balance, but he fixes it quickly by tugging Jinki down to him by his shirt, brows furrowed with a need that makes Jinki shiver despite the heat in his cheeks.

It’s not at all how he imagined it: the scent of Jonghyun’s cologne is drowned out by the taste of alcohol, and the kiss is messy, more of thoughtless and desperate movement than the careful meeting of lips he’d always imagined Jonghyun would guide him through for the first time – but it doesn’t feel wrong in the least.

His whole body buzzes with excitement. Jonghyun reaches around him to squeeze his upper thigh, and he pushes back into it, gasping with pleasure when it turns into a rushed grab of his ass. With every clumsy movement of his lips, his hips rock forward, but he can’t seem to find the rhythm he needs – he’s overwhelmed, too hot to think, and the fingers kneading into his skin are hard and desperate enough to make him whimper. “ _Hyung_ –”

Immediately, Jonghyun freezes. He yanks back his hand, eyes wide, and stares at Jinki with guilt. “Jinki, I…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Jinki breathes, unsure what else to say as the heated arousal he’d been feeling vanishes instantly. Did Jonghyun consider that a mistake? He shouldn’t have done anything at all when Jonghyun was drunk. “It’s my fault. I’m sober, and I know you’re drunk, I shouldn’t have–”

“Don’t blame yourself, I kissed back,” Jonghyun interrupts. His words come out slightly slurred, and Jinki’s stomach drops, immediately disgusted with himself for kissing Jonghyun when he’s in such a state. “And I know how touchy I was being, of course you would think–”

“I still shouldn’t have done anything,” Jinki says, not wanting to hear more. He doesn’t know what Jonghyun plans to say, but he doesn’t think he can handle having what he wanted for so long being dismissed as a mistake.

Noticing their bodies are still close, Jonghyun steps back, fixing his gaze just past Jinki’s shoulder as he thumbs his lips and swallows. “It’s fine, really. I’m not upset with you, I just – it’s a lot to process, when I’m this drunk.” Jonghyun reaches out to pat Jinki’s shoulder, but stops himself just shy of contact and lets his hands fall back to his sides. “I don’t want to jump into this and get one of us hurt, or to say the wrong thing. We should talk about it once I’m sober..”

“Yeah,” Jinki agrees. He reaches into his pocket for his keys and fiddles with them, refusing to meet Jinki’s eyes. “Should I leave, then?”

“No, you can stay,” Jonghyun says. “It’s late, and I’d rather you be safe. It’s not a good to drive when you’re upset or tired.”

“I’d be fine, hyung. I didn’t drink or anything.”

“I’d still worry,” Jonghyun says, an apologetic smile on his lips. “Please? I can take the couch, and you can have my bed–”

“That’s not a good idea,” Jinki cuts him off. He doesn’t want to deal with these feelings now, or here, and he especially doesn’t want to deal with them in Jonghyun’s bed. He doesn’t want to wake up in the morning and wonder how he’d done everything so wrong.

“Sorry.” Jonghyun gives him a tight smile. “I’ll, uh, drink some water and sleep this off. Then we’ll talk in the morning?”

“Okay, hyung.”

He watches as Jonghyun moves through the kitchen on unsteady feet, silently filling his largest glass with water from the sink, then grabbing a bottle of pills from a cabinet. Jonghyun turns back to him, brows wrinkled with worry. “…Are you going to be okay?”

Jinki’s throat is too tight to manage more than a short response. “I’ll be fine.”

Jonghyun looks skeptical, but too nervous to argue with him. “Just…let me know if you need anything. I’ll probably be sober in a few hours.” He pauses. “And please don’t go before we talk about this?”

Jinki nods. “I won’t.”

“Thanks.”

Finally, he turns to leave for the bedroom, using the walls and doorframes for support to make it there alone.

When the door clicks behind him, Jinki drags himself over to the couch and collapses, only now feeling his exhaustion. He checks his phone. It’s nearly five in the morning, and sure enough, he can see the sky outside one of Jonghyun’s shaded apartment windows showing the first light of dawn.

He rolls onto his back and clutches his stomach. He wishes he could stop it from rolling with his hands. It keeps alternating between nausea and hopeful flutters, changing with every detail that flashes back in his mind.  There’d been the guilt in Jonghyun’s eyes after he’d whined at his touch, but there’d been the heated in look in his eyes before Jinki kissed him, and the quick way he’d forced Jinki back into the pantry for a second kiss –

How was he supposed to read that? He’d kissed Jonghyun, and Jonghyun had kissed back. He’d been so forward, enough that his blood rushes and his lips tingle just from the memory. But he can’t be certain of what it meant, when Jonghyun was as drunk as he is. And he doubts Jonghyun understood what  _he_  meant when kissing him either – he certainly didn’t seem to take it was any kind of confession.

Jinki relights the screen of his phone, hoping to distract himself or find a message that he knows won’t be there. With how drunk Jonghyun had been, he had probably passed out already, and it’s not like there’d be a point to messaging him from the next room over.

But they’d had other conversations like that before. Maybe it would work now?

majingki: Hey hyung…

majingki: I know this is probably stupid since you’re just in a different room

majingki: But I can’t stop thinking about things, and I’m afraid you won’t wake up before I have to leave

majingki: I’m really sorry

realjonghyun85: It’s okay

realjonghyun85: I actually can’t fall asleep either…

realjonghyun85: Give me a half hour to sober up some? Then we’ll talk?

majingki: Oka

Jinki stares up at the ceiling and lets his phone fall onto his chest, his stomach a knot of worry. Should he have waited? It’s already morning, and it’s probably better to talk about this now – he isn’t sure he’ll have the courage to come back to Jonghyun’s apartment after this. Especially if their conversation ends with the rejection he’s already dreading.

He drifts in between a daze of sleep-deprivation and anxious worry, and by the time he hears the bedroom door open, he’s nearly frayed the hem of his t-shirt from pulling at the loose strings. He sits up without a word, eyes immediately falling on Jonghyun, now dressed in a loose t-shirt and sweatpants, and tries at a smile

Jonghyun tries to return it, but he looks as bad off as Jinki feels when he shuffles towards the living room. There’s bags under his eyes Jinki can see even before he enters, and a drag to his steps that makes Jinki want to send him back to bed for another few hours.

“Are you sure you’re good to talk, hyung? If you’re not up for it, I understand…”

“I know I look like shit, but I’d rather talk.

He sits and rubs his eyes. Jinki stares at the space Jonghyun left between them, trying not to think of what it might mean that he’d left more room than usual.

Jonghyun clears his throat. “So…last night.”

“I’m sorry, hyung. I shouldn’t have kissed you when you were that drunk.”

“You don’t need to keep apologizing for that, Jinki-yah. It’s fine.”

“Okay.” Jinki bites his lip and looks down – he still can’t find what he wants to say. How could he explain why he’d kissed him, without admitting he’d been in love with Jonghyun for nearly a year now?

“I really mean that,” Jonghyun says. “I just want to know why you kissed me.”

“I…I don’t know,” he hesitates. “I wasn’t really thinking straight in the moment.“  

"So you did it on impulse?”

“Not really?” He cringes at his own weak answer when he sees Jonghyun frown. It shouldn’t be so hard to admit his feelings for Jonghyun, when he’s had them for ages, but it feels like all he can manage are poorly-worded evasions and clipped answers.

Brows knitted together in frustration, Jonghyun pushes back his hair and sighs. “It’s fine if you did it because you thought I was coming onto you, but I wasn’t trying to – not on purpose, at least.” When Jinki’s head snaps up with interest, he flushes and looks away quickly. “You’re going to make me talk first, aren’t you?”

“I haven’t meant to. I’m just…scared I’ll mess everything up more than I already have,” he mumbles. He knows what he wants to say – and where he hopes the conversation will go, if he manages to find the courage – but he can’t bring himself to lead it there himself. “I don’t want to say the wrong thing or freak you out.”

“I doubt you will, but I understand.” He gives a small and sympathetic smile. “I’m worried I scared you with how, um – forward I was, when we were in the kitchen.”

“You didn’t, hyung.” He smiles back. “And you were drunk, anyways.”

Jonghyun shakes his head. “It isn’t an excuse. I shouldn’t have started touching you like that.”

“Really, it’s fine.” He looks down, cheeks heated as he avoids meeting Jonghyun’s eyes. Though it had caught him off guard, after the gentle kiss he’d given, he didn’t mind it at all. Anyway Jonghyun wanted to touch him was more than welcome, but he doesn’t know how to put that into words without it sounding like a proposition.

“Thank you.” Jonghyun nods and clears his throat. “What I want to say before anything else, is that I’m not going to let anything that happens ruin our friendship. I know I’m the only person you’ve come out to, and I’m not going to let you live with that alone. I care about you too much, so even if you don’t return my feelings…” He swallows. “I’m still here for you.”

Jinki stares at Jonghyun, disbelieving. He knows he should respond to Jonghyun’s generosity, and his assurance of their friendship, but his mind had only caught onto one thing. “Are you saying that you like me?”

Jonghyun thumbs his nose, a self-conscious smile on his lips when he meets Jinki’s eyes again.  "That’s not the main point I was trying to make, but…yeah. I do.“

Jinki blinks stupidly. He’s wanted this for so long that he doesn’t know how to react. "Hyung…”

“If you were looking just looking to have fun last night, I’m not going to hold that against you. It’s natural to want that, and you’re not responsible for the fact that I have feelings. But I like you too much to want anything casual.”

“I’m – no, that’s not what I want at all,” Jinki says. “I was just trying to…I don’t know, I’m not good with words.” He forces himself to take deep breaths until he finds the nerve to meet Jonghyun’s eyes. “I like you too.”

Jonghyun’s solemn expression shifts under his stare, suddenly turning vulnerable. “You’re serious?”

“I am.” He swallows. “I wouldn’t lie about this, hyung. I’ve liked you for a long time – almost since we met.”

It’s Jonghyun’s turn to be flustered. He lets out a small “oh” and spends a moment avoiding Jinki’s eyes and fidgeting with his hands, clearly unsure how to proceed now that they’d both confessed their feelings. When he looks up, there’s barely-concealed hope in his eyes, but his voice is carefully level. “I want to let you decide how we approach this, since your career is a lot more public than mine.”

“I don’t care about that,” Jinki says quickly, startling Jonghyun with his impassioned response. “Really, we can work around it. Neither of us are careless, and I like you too much not to try, now that I know you feel the same.”

“Yeah?” Jonghyun laughs lightly. “You’re sure?”

He nods. “Completely.”

Jonghyun smiles and shifts closer to him, making his heart stop when he rests a palm against his cheek to turn his head. “Can I kiss you, then? I think I’m sober enough to not get carried away like last night.“

Jinki mumbles an assent, too caught off guard by the question for proper words – though he’d seen Jonghyun moved closer, he hadn’t realized his intent. There’d always been so many barriers between them, it had seemed impossible to imagine he would ever approach for anything more than a hug.

But now – just a month after he’d told Jonghyun he’s gay, a single drunken night, and a few minutes of conversation –  he has Jonghyun asking to kiss him like it’s the simplest thing in the world.

There’s a giddy smile on Jonghyun’s lips when he leans in, and Jinki finds his own lips pressing back with the same barely-contained glee. They pull back for a moment of shared laughter, then kiss again, and again, until Jonghyun places his fingers around Jinki’s chin and his smile is replaced with an open-mouthed gasp that makes Jonghyun pull back.

“Sorry – Was that alright?”

“Oh.” Jonghyun stares at him, plainly surprised. “Even…kissing?”

“Yeah.” Jinki flushes. “Like I said, I’ve, uh…been really careful not to let anyone know.”

Jonghyun takes his hand to comfort him, but Jinki quickly kisses him before he can offer any. He doesn’t need comfort, not when he has this now. He slides his lips against Jonghyun’s, slowly following his movements, and shifts closer until they’re pressed chest-to-chest. Each time they stop to breathe, Jonghyun’s hand squeezes tighter around his fingers, as if needing to keep him close in some other way now that their lips are apart.

It gives him a little thrill to see that Jonghyun is as breathless as him.

He doesn’t know how long they kiss. His body thrums with desire in waves, but he can still feel the edges of exhaustion at his conscious, so he’s happy to stick with this, even though Jonghyun’s drunken groping had promised so much earlier.

It’s the buzz of his phone that finally pulls them apart. He looks down at the screen with a frown when he sees the familiar name of their manager. They didn’t have a schedule till the late afternoon – did Gyeongshik really need to know where he is now, at eight in the morning?

Jonghyun tries to fight off a yawn, but ends up hiding it against his shoulder. “Is it work?”

“Yeah. He wants us all at the dorm so we can go together.” Jinki sighs. “I really, really don’t want to go.”

Jonghyun squeezes his hand tighter. “I know.”

Jinki slumps against him with a groan. “I don’t want to drive home. I’m too tired.”

“I can call you a cab. You’ll probably want to sleep before your schedule, and I imagine you won’t be able to sleep here.” When Jinki leans back to raise an eyebrow at him, and Jonghyun flushes. “I didn’t mean it like _that_.”

Jinki laughs. “Sure, hyung.”

“I really didn’t.”  He shakes his head. “You want me to call a cab for you?”

“I can call one myself, I guess. I just don’t want to go.”

“I don’t want you to leave either,” Jonghyun sighs. “But you’re back now, right? So we can see each other again real soon.”

“Yeah.” He looks into Jonghyun’s eyes for a long moment, unable to fight back a grin, and kisses him again. “I’ll message you as soon as I can.”

“And I’ll respond as soon as I’m over the awful headache I’m finally getting,” Jonghyun says.

Jinki laughs. They stand together, hands still intertwined, and smile shyly before heading to the front door together. After he puts on his shoes, Jonghyun pulls him into a hug, but this time, it ends with a hesitant kiss to his cheek.

“I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah,” Jinki mumbles, still refusing to reach for the door even. Last night still doesn’t feel real, and a part of him feels like if he leaves, all that had happened in the past hour will vanish.

He slides his feet closer until the toes of his shoes bump Jonghyun’s socks and whispers, “This is real, right?”

“It is.”

His closes his eyes as Jonghyun strokes his cheek. Without opening them, he leans forward and tilts his head, letting himself be guided until he feels the now-familiar warmth of Jonghyun’s lips. He lingers for a moment, breathing in the moment, then backs away with a sigh.

Jonghyun squeezes his shoulder and smiles. “It still doesn’t quite feel real for me, either. The sleep deprivation probably doesn’t help.”

"Yeah, probably not.” He finally forces his hand to the door and opens it slowly, eyes still fixed on Jonghyun in front of him. “Feel free to message me until you fall asleep, though.”

“Alright. Later then, Jinki-yah.” He lets his hand trail down Jinki’s arm as he steps away, and keeps the door open until he’s closer to the elevator.

Jinki takes one last look over his shoulder, then pushes the down arrow. When the doors open in front of him and he sees his smiling reflection in the metallic wall along the back, he grins wider and steps inside

He’d hoped that his surprise visit would turn out well, but it had gone even better than he’d imagined. The elevator descends, and Jinki feels like he’s floating.

***

 

realjonghyun85: Hey Jinki-yah ^^

majingki: Hi hyung!! ^^

majingki: Are you feeling better?

realjonghyun85: Yeah

realjonghyun85: I drank a ton of water, ate some crackers, then slept through most of the day

realjonghyun85: I just woke up and miss you already

realjonghyun85: How’re you?

majingki: I’m great ^^

majingki: But … I miss you too

majingki: Was last night real? I still can’t believe it…

realjonghyun85: I know hehe

realjonghyun85: It was, though

realjonghyun85: How was your schedule?

majingki: It was okay

majingki: We’re just getting back from it now

majingki: And we have another meeting in the morning TT

realjonghyun85: Damn

realjonghyun85: I really want to see you again

majingki: I want to see you too hyung TT

realjonghyun85: Sigh …

realjonghyun85: Think you’ll have time soon?

majingki: I should be free later this week

realjonghyun85: I should be too

realjonghyun85: Would Friday work?

realjonghyun85: We normally prerecord for that date anyway, so I wouldn’t have any work to do

majingki: Yeah, it’s a date ^^

realjonghyun85: You’re too cute Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: Way too cute

majingki: Hehe … it feels different when you call me that now

realjonghyun85: Well … I always meant it the same way, though I couldn’t say it

majingki: Well

majingki: Now you can show it by kissing me ^^

realjonghyun85: I will the next time I see you

realjonghyun85: We didn’t get nearly enough time together after everything

majingki: Yeah TT

majingki: Sorry I had work

realjonghyun85: Don’t feel bad, I’ll be busy sometimes too

realjonghyun85: And we’ve been friends for so long, I’m used to your schedule

majingki: You’re going to be okay with it, though?

majingki: I know we made it work when we were friends, but now…

realjonghyun85: I’ve liked you for a long time Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: It’s worth it to me

realjonghyun85: I’ll miss you lots whenever you’re gone, but I can handle it

realjonghyun85: Besides, we both like messaging and can always call each other

majingki: Yeah ^^

majingki: Thanks hyung

majingki:  I guess now that it’s sinking in that this is real, I started to worry

realjonghyun85: Now you know what I feel like all the time hehe

majingki: I’m never going to be as much of a worrier as you, I’m sure

majingki: But I don’t want to be thoughtless, either … I’m new to dating, so I want to make sure I think of everything

realjonghyun85: Just be yourself Jinki-yah, and it’ll be fine

realjonghyun85: I already like you ^^

majingki: Hyung!! You’re making me blush

realjonghyun85: Sorry … hehe

realjonghyun85: Actually I wanted to ask you something I’ve been thinking about … if we’re now “official”

majingki: Hm?

realjonghyun85: I don’t want to seem like I’m pushing for it because I’m asking this early…

realjonghyun85: But are you comfortable with me telling my noona about us?

realjonghyun85: I just normally share everything with her …  and she already knew that I liked you

majingki: If you’re sure she won’t tell anyone, I think it’s okay

realjonghyun85: I’m sure

realjonghyun85: She’s never even told anyone I’m gay

realjonghyun85: I trust her, and I’ll make sure she knows not to even joke about it around people

majingki: You can tell her then

majingki: Just … definitely don’t tell Young bae, hehe

realjonghyun85: Trust me, I’m never bringing up men around him again TT

realjonghyun85: And thanks Jinki-yah ^^

realjonghyun85: I’ve been dying to tell her since you kissed me

majingki: Hehe

majingki: Sorry you had to wait

majingki: She’s the only one that’ll know, then?

realjonghyun85: Yeah

realjonghyun85: Unless you’re okay with me telling my mom too?

realjonghyun85: She’s trustworthy like my noona

majingki: I don’t know…

majingki: It’s not that I don’t trust your judgement

majingki: I just haven’t met her … so it feels weird?

realjonghyun85: If you want to, you can meet her

realjonghyun85: She already knows we’re close friends, so I won’t have to introduce you as my boyfriend

realjonghyun85: And I think I’d like you to see her, at some point … she’s really important to me

realjonghyun8: But of course, you don’t have to

majingki: You want to introduce me to your parents this early?

majingki: You’re kind of a mama’s boy, aren’t you, hyung? ^^

realjonghyun85: Of course I am! My mom is amazing!

majingki: I bet, since she raised you ^^

majingki: And I think I’d be okay meeting her, even if it’s soon

majingki: Until I know what she’s like I don’t think I’d feel comfortable with her knowing

majingki: But I don’t want you to have to hide me to your family, since you’re already out to them…

realjonghyun85: If it makes you feel safer, I don’t mind it keeping it between us

majingki: I know you wouldn’t hyung

majingki: But if your family is accepting … it’d be nice for them to know

majingki: I’m definitely not ready to come out to mine yet

majingki: And I’m not sure I’ll ever tell the members, since we live together…

realjonghyun85: Yeah… I can understand that

realjonghyun85: Should I arrange a dinner?

realjonghyun85: My mom will probably want to stuff you full of food

majingki: Yeah ^^

majingki: You know I won’t complain about free food

majingki: Will it just be your mom and sister then?

majingki: You never mention your dad, so…

realjonghyun85: It’s kind of a long story

realjonghyun85: But he won’t be there if we have dinner, so you don’t have to worry about him

majingki: Would your mom or sister tell him if they find out about us?

realjonghyun85: No … they don’t really talk

realjonghyun85: But I’d rather explain about him in person, if that’s alright?

realjonghyun85: Just since we haven’t talked about it before

majingki: Okay hyung

majingki: Sorry if I sounded nosey

realjonghyun85: No such thing, not when we’re dating

realjonghyun85: You can ask me anything you like

majingki: Okay ^^

majingki: What’re you wearing?

realjonghyun85: …

realjonghyun85: You’re perverted Jinki-yah

majingki: I was just kidding hyung ^^;

realjonghyun85: Somehow, I don’t believe you…

realjonghyun85: But you’re cute, so it’s okay

realjonghyun85: And I’m only in shorts, since I’m about to sleep some more, hehe

majingki: I don’t believe that

majingki: You seem like the type to sleep naked

majingki: I know I do sometimes in the summer, since I have a room alone…

realjonghyun85: How are you saying this…?!

realjonghyun85: Aren’t you in the car with your members now?

majingki: We got back a minute ago ^^ I’m alone now

realjonghyun85: Ah…

realjonghyun85: Well

realjonghyun85: Then I guess it’s okay

realjonghyun85: But shouldn’t you sleep? If you have something in the morning? 

majingki: I guess … but this is more fun

realjonghyun85: I know

realjonghyun85: But I don’t wanna be the bad guy taking you away from your responsibilities hehe

majingki: Hmph … I don’t mind it, but okay

majingki: I guess the faster I go to bed, the sooner Friday will come, anyways…

realjonghyun85: Exactly ^^

realjonghyun85: And I can’t wait to see you again

majingki: I can’t wait to see you either hyung

 

***

Jinki shuffles through the contents of his closet for the dozenth time in a desperate search to find the perfect thing to wear for dinner with Jonghyun and his family.

Everything he owns is suitable, on a basic level – even when he’d tried to dress for Jonghyun’s attention, he’d worn something modest and clean, because that’s his style – but knowing he’s meeting the two most important people in Jonghyun’s life makes him feel like nothing he usually wears could possibly be good enough. After another five minutes of searching, he settles on one of the few pairs of jeans he has without any tears or fading, and a short button-up that he irons until it’s stiff-straight.

Just as he finishes dressing, his phone lights up with a message from Jonghyun to let him know he’s waiting outside the dorm. He rushes out the door, dodging a question from Jino and ignoring Minho’s bewildered “hyung?” as he leaves. He knows the members would suspect that he’s headed to for a date if they noticed his clothes – and though that isn’t entirely untrue, it sure isn’t worth the teasing they’d give him for it

Once outside, he quickly spots Jonghyun’s car parked next to the curb. He knocks on the window, unable to help a smile a smile when he hears the door click to unlock. When he slips in and shuts the door behind him, there’s a surge of butterflies in his stomach when he turns to the man in the driver’s seat.

“Hi, hyung.”

“Hey, Jinki-yah.” Jonghyun smiles at him and reaches over to push a piece of Jinki’s hair back behind his ear. “I wish I could give you a better greeting, but my windows aren’t really tinted…”

“It’s alright, hyung.” Jinki says, appreciating the thoughtfulness even if all he wants to do is jump in Jonghyun’s lap and kiss him. He looks at Jonghyun’s lips and sighs with longing. “I can’t believe I just saw you last Friday. This week felt longer than all my time in Japan.”

“I know. It was hard for me, too.” Jonghyun lets his hand trail away from Jinki’s shoulder before shifting the car out of park and gripping the steering wheel. He sends Jinki a sidelong glance, then turns his attention to the road and pulls out. “Did you dress up for me, or for my family? I don’t think I’ve seen you wear a button up in person before…just in fan pictures.”

He flushes. “I want to make a good impression.”

“I’m sure you will. My sister already likes you, and I’m sure my mom will too. You have the best manners of any man I’ve met.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

“Of course.” Jonghyun sends him a quickly smile. “And I want you to know, I really appreciate you agreeing to this. I can’t imagine hanging out with my family is your favorite idea of a first date.”

He shrugs. “I don’t mind. I know they’re important to you.”

“I know, but still – if you’re not too tired after dinner, I’d like to have a proper date. I bought a movie I thought we could watch together.”

“That sounds good. I doubt I’ll be too tired.”

Jinki swallows hard after his agreement.

There’d been no hint that Jonghyun had been suggesting more than what he’d said in his words or his expression, but Jinki’s heart still stutters in his chest. A purchased movie meant they’d be watching it at Jonghyun’s apartment. And while that might just be for the sake of privacy, there were a lot of other potentials that could come with that privacy. Like kissing, or snuggling, the way he had that time he was drunk, or grabbing, the wayJonghyun had just days ago when  _he_  was drunk.

He wanted more of that, because he couldn’t stop thinking about it. But he can’t think about it now – not when he’s about to spend the next few hours with Jonghyun’s family. The last thing he needs is to replay his incredibly vivid fantasies of the past few days and have a hard-on when they pull up to the house.

The only other item lingering on his mind is the thing Jonghyun had promised to explain to him in person, and he jumps to it in hopes of distracting himself. “Did you want to tell me about your dad? You said wanted to explain that in person…”

“Ah, yeah – that.” Jonghyun’s fingers tighten slightly around the steering wheel. "He’s not around anymore. Not that he died or anything – we just don’t talk. My sister stopped talking to him shortly after my mom divorced him.”

Jinki fiddles with the buttons on his shirt. He’d suspected something like that before, but never had the courage to ask directly. “Do you still talk to him?”

“No, not at all.” Jonghyun smiles bitterly. “I was the first one of us he stopped talking to, and the reason they got divorced.” He sighs.”I came out right when I got back from my military service, which I did right after high school to get it out of the way. He wanted to disown me, but my mom refused to let him…she wanted to try and keep the family together. But he couldn’t accept her acceptance of me, I guess – and she couldn’t deal with him cutting me out. So she decided to leave him.”

“I’m sorry,” Jinki says, at a loss for any other words.

“It’s all in the past now.” Jonghyun shrugs. “I just don’t like to talk about it much. It’s kind of hard not to blame myself for their divorce, and those were a rough few years. But I can support my mom now, and I think it worked out for the best. They weren’t that happy together, anyway.”

Jinki tries at a smile. “No wonder you’re so close to your mom.”

“Yeah, I’m really lucky. She said some stupid stuff when I first came out, like wondering if I was only interested in men because I hadn’t been around women for a while, and thinking she might’ve raised me wrong. But she accepted it’s just how I am, eventually.”

“I’m glad,” Jinki says. “I hope my parents are like that too, if I ever tell them.”

“Well, you know I’m here for you if you do.” Jonghyun removes a hand from the wheel to squeeze lightly at Jinki’s knee, then turns his attention back to the road, leaving only the quiet noise of the road between them.  

Jinki chews his lip. He can’t wrap his mind around coming out deliberately. He’d only found the courage to do it with Jonghyun because he’d been outed, and even though everything had gone right, it’d still been hard enough to make him cry after. But it’d been a weight off his shoulders, and it’d led to what so much good: first, a closer friendship, and now, the start of his first real romance.

Maybe it would be good for him to share that with a family he knows is safe.

When they finally pull into the driveway of a small house, he looks at Jonghyun seriously. “Do you think we should tell her? Your mom?”

“Like I said, I’m leaving that up to you.” Jonghyun smiles at him softly. He unbuckles himself quickly so he can take Jinki’s hand in his. “If you want me to introduce you as my boyfriend, I will. But if you don’t, I’m fine with that too.”

Jinki looks at the door, trying to imagine how it would go. A pit drops in his stomach as he imagines Jonghyun saying the words, and he squeezes his hand in apology. “Sorry. I think I’d like to wait.”

“That’s alright.” Jonghyun smiles. “I won’t say a word about it. And I already told Sodam not to tease us about it, so you don’t need to worry about her blabbing either.”

Jinki gives a hollow laugh. “She’d do that?”

“Of course she would,” he grumbles. “Did you not notice how she was acting when I brought her to your musical? I thought you’d guess that I liked you then for sure – she lives to torment me, especially when she knows I have a crush.”

Jinki hums. “I actually didn’t think much of it, but I did like the roses.”

“Yeah?” Jonghyun grins. ”I worried they were too much, but I guess they helped win you over, since we’re dating now.”

Jinki laughs. “I liked you even before that, hyung.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Jonghyun takes his hand and runs a thumb over his palm. Their eyes meet, and Jinki feels his face heat to a deep red.

It’s easy to tell, from the way Jonghyun has turned in his seat to face Jinki, and the way he’s squeezing his fingers like a lifeline, that Jonghyun wants to kiss him. Jinki wants to kiss him too. But they can’t here, and they both know it.

Jonghyun licks his lips, but his voice sounds dry when he speaks. “After dinner?”

“Yeah.”

They squeeze hands one last time as a silent promise, then step out of the car. Jonghyun gives them both a minute to compose themselves before approaching the house and ringing the doorbell. A half minute later, and the door swings open, revealing a short woman with large eyes and the same wide nose as Jonghyun.

She greets them with a broad smile. “I thought you’d be late!”

“No, not today.” Jonghyun laughs shyly and gestures to Jinki. “This is Jinki, that friend I’ve been telling you about.”

“For the past year, yes.” Her eyes twinkle as she examines him briefly, and the lines under them deepen when she grins. “It’s good to finally meet you after hearing about you so much. I’ve only seen you on TV, but you look even more handsome in real life.”

“Ah, thank you.” Jinki hides his blush when he bows. “It’s nice to meet you as well.”

When he straightens, Sodam is standing behind Jonghyun’s mom with a small smile. “Hey, Jinki. I’m surprised it took Jonghyun so long to drag you here.”

Jonghyun sends her a warning glare. “He’s been in Japan most of the past year, noona. I wasn’t going to make him use the little time he had to see his own family to meet mine.”

Sodam raises a brow at him, but before she can find a retort, Jonghyun’s mom cuts her off by ushering them all inside the house. Jinki toes off his shoes with Jonghyun by the door, then follows him inside. Like Jonghyun’s apartment, the place is decorated simply, with only a few pieces of bright patterns showing the differences between his taste and that of the women in his family. Unlike Jinki’s home, which was littered with pictures of his parents and himself throughout the years on every surface, only two pictures hang on the wall of the dining room that she leads them to.

One is of Sodam, he presumes, guessing by the female uniform. The other is Jonghyun, dressed in shorts and a red jacket as he plays tug-of-war with what appear to be his classmates.

Jinki can’t help but laugh at the contrast between the small and chubby-cheeked Jonghyun in the picture and the muscular man beside him. “Wow, hyung. Your cheeks were no joke back then”

“They still aren’t, are they?” Before Jonghyun can protest, Sodam pinches one, and when his mom reaches up to do the same with the other, Jonghyun leans down into it even as he rolls his eyes.

Jinki watches with amusement. It’s strange, to see Jonghyun be doted on, instead of doing the doting, but it’s a side of Jonghyun he hasn’t seen before, and his stomach gives a little flip when he’s sent an apologetic smile after the attention ends and his mom rushes out of the room after a beeping kitchen timer.

“Sorry. They still like to baby me, and it’s just easier to go along with it.”

“It’s cute,” Jinki says. “And I can tell you like it.”

“Maybe.” Jonghyun huffs. “But only because they’re family. Don’t get any ideas about bugging me.”

“Oh, I already have plenty.”

He’d meant it as their usual banter, but Sodam snickers. “You do, huh? And it’s only been a week?”

Jinki flushes. Jonghyun rushes forward to glare at her. “ _Sodam_.”

“Sorry – I couldn’t resist that one, not when mom’s out of the room.” She smiles guiltily. “I’ll be good once she’s back, I promise. I’m just happy for you two.”

“And you have to show it by being like this?”

She nods seriously. “You are my little brother, so yes.”

Jonghyun sighs. “I suppose I should’ve expect that.”

After a few minutes of catching up between the three of them, Jonghyun’s mom returns with a steaming bowl that sends them all trailing after its scent to the table. Jinki’s offer to help is quickly refused, and he’s forced into one of of the four seats at the table as Jonghyun, his mother, and Sodam bustle in and out of the room in a rush to get the rest of the food to the table steaming hot.

When they’re all finally seated, Jonghyun squeezes his knee under the table. ‘You okay?’ he mouths, and Jinki nods, too focused on the food in front of him to even remember his initial nerves at meeting Jonghyun’s mom. He eats more than he’d planned on, helped on by her urging and the fact he’s answering questions from about idol life between every bite. It doesn’t register that he’s full until he realizes he’s staring longingly at the last remnants of the side dishes and wondering how much more he can fit without regretting it later.

Jonghyun’s mom laugh when she catches his stare. “Are you full? Did you enjoy the food?”

“It was delicious,” Jinki says. “Thank you so much. I normally only get meals this good from my own mom.”

“Ah, it wasn’t just me. Sodam helped me prepare all the dishes. She’s a very good cook.”

Jinki’s skin prickles as he forces out a smile. He can tell where this is going already, and he has no clue how to stop it, but Sodam tries.

“Cooking isn’t a big deal, mom. I just do what you tell me to. Jonghyun can do it too. Please don’t try and play matchmaker.”

“You’d have a lot more room to complain about me ‘playing matchmaker’ if you hadn’t been complaining about being single all week,” she quips, and Sodam’s eyes go wide. “I bet Jonghyun’s had to hear it too, so he’s trying to help you and his friend out.”

Jonghyun shakes his head. “That’s just a coincidence, mom. I just wanted you to meet Jinki.”

“It really is,” Sodam agrees enthusiastically, latching quickly onto Jonghyun’s help. “We’ve already met before, so why would he bring him here for that? I’m a little old for him, anyhow.”

“Are you really that young?” Jonghyun’s mom asks, and Jinki flushes under the attention. “I thought you were the oldest in your group.”

“I am, but we debuted fairly young. I’m only twenty three.”

“See?” Jonghyun says. "But he’s still four years younger than me, so he’s _way_  too young for noona.”

“Exactly,” Sodam says. “And you should know I’d never be disloyal to Shinhwa. No offense to your group, Jinki, but they’ll always be the only idols in my heart.”

“None taken,” Jinki says, grateful for the quick deflection.

Jonghyun’s mom grins. “I suppose it is best Jonghyun didn’t bring a Shinhwa member home. If he did, you two would probably fight over him, like you used to with that old photobook–”

Jonghyun gasps, scandalized. “Mom! You can’t say that stuff!”

She laughs, eyes wrinkling with mirth, and Jinki feels a piece of the mask he’d been wearing fall away.

“It must’ve been a good one,” he jokes.

“You have no idea.” Sodam sighs at the memory. “They looked so good. I still have the book in my room. It stopped disappearing after Jonghyun moved out.”

“What a coincidence,” his mom adds, and like that, they fall back into the easy conversation they’d had before her attempt to shoehorn Sodam’s love-life into the visit. The next time she leaves to the kitchen, this time with empty dishes in tow, but again refusing offers of help other than Sodam’s, Jinki leans in towards Jonghyun to whisper in his ear.

“I think I want to tell her.”

Jonghyun blinks, plainly surprised. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like you have to, just because of her trying to get you with Sodam…”

“I know. It’s not just that – I feel comfortable now.” Jinki sighs. “Hearing you all joke about Shinhwa and you liking them so openly…I’d like to have that, too.”

Jonghyun reaches under the table to lace their fingers together and beams. “Okay. Do you want to tell her, or should I?”

“It would be weird if I did it, since she’s your mom.” Jinki swallows down the last of his hesitation. “So just…tell her when she comes back, or after we leave. Whichever you think is better.”

“I’d prefer to tell her sooner, if that’s alright.” Jonghyun tightens the grip he has on his hand. “I think she already knew I had a bit of a crush on you. I couldn’t resist talking about you all the time..”

Jinki laughs lightly. “Alright, hyung.”

His palms begin to sweat the moment he hears the faucet in the other room cut off. When Jonghyun’s mom returns to the room, he tenses despite himself, and Jonghyun looks at him worriedly. “I can wait, Jinki–”

He shakes his head. “It’s fine. I’m always going to be nervous, and I’d rather see how it goes.”

Jonghyun eyes him one last time, clearly skeptical, but takes Jinki’s word for it when he nods.

“Um…mom? Can I tell you something?”

She looks up from the dishes she’d been stacking with raised brows. “Hm?”

“Jinki and I – we’re actually, uh. Not just friends anymore.” He leaves an awkward pause, obviously unsure how to phrase something only a week old that had been building for a year. “We started dating recently.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrows raise. She purses her lips and shifts her gaze to Jinki, a new weight in her stare. Jinki’s stomach twists, and he sits perfectly still until she returns her attention to Jonghyun.

“Is he the reason you’ve been staying at your apartment so much this year, Jonghyun? If you had told me, I wouldn’t have worried all the time about you working too much.”

Jonghyun’s ears turn pink. “No, that’s not it! He’s been in Japan most of the year – I was just working in the studio a lot and going to the gym more.” He glances at Jinki, entirely flustered. “Really, we really only got together after he got back.”

“So it’s been a week,” Sodam provides, appearing from the doorway with a grin. “Jonghyun called me the day after it happened.”

“Well…I suppose that explains why you suddenly started complaining about being single again.” She laughs and shakes her. “But a week, really? That’s so recent.” She looks to Jinki with sympathy. “I hope Jonghyun didn’t pressure you into meeting me or getting my approval. I can’t imagine wanting to meet my boyfriend’s mother after only a week.”

Jinki shakes his head. “Jonghyun mentions you and Sodam often, so I wanted to meet you. He didn’t pressure me at all.”

“I’m glad.” She smiles at Jinki, cheeks full with motherly affection. “I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to visit, Jinki, and share this with me. I’ve never gotten to meet any of his boyfriends before.”

Jonghyun grumbles. “There really haven’t been that many, mom.”

“Just a few heartbreakers, I know.” She sighs. “But I’m glad this one didn’t turn out to be one-sided.”

Jonghyun’s lips pull up in a smile as he pulls Jinki’s hand closer to him and squeezes

“Me too.”

***

Though it’s late when they finally leave Jonghyun’s mother’s house, Jinki agrees without hesitation when Jonghyun asks if he’s still up for watching a movie at his place.

He spends the entire ride there thinking of what might happen. He’d felt a bit drained after hours of trying to keep up with the banter of Jonghyun’s family, but he feels awake now, and he knows that Jonghyun would normally be awake for another few hours regardless. As far as he can remember, he doesn’t have any schedules for the next week either, so there’s no reason he needs to worry about time.

His pulse races even before his thoughts about the night can fully form. Would Jonghyun want him to stay over? He’d done it when they were just friends, but he isn’t sure if that would change now that they were dating. Would it be more or less likely? Jonghyun had been careful, almost reserved, since the one time he’d grabbed onto Jinki in a drunken surge of want, but they hadn’t been alone since then.

He hopes that the way Jonghyun had acted that night wasn’t just the alcohol. The small taste he’d gotten of what it might be like to be taken by the man he’d be wanted for nearly year just isn’t enough.

Lost in his thoughts, he blinks in surprise when the ceiling of the apartment parking garage cuts off his view of the night sky. Jonghyun rolls his car to a stop in an empty space and turns to him.

“You alright? You’ve been kind of quiet.”

“Sorry – I was just spacing out. I’m not used to dinners with so much talking, since my own family is small and kind of quiet.”

Jonghyun laughs. “Yeah…we can be a bit loud. Hopefully a movie will be more relaxing?”

Jinki hums an agreement. After they exit the car and make their way to the elevators, Jonghyun chats idly with him about the plot and actors of the movie. Jinki nods along, not quite sure what else to do with himself or the wants lingering in the back of his mind.

When the elevator doors close behind them, Jonghyun takes his hand, and Jinki’s heart stutters in his chest. It’s such a small contact, nothing more than bare palms and interlaced fingers, but it sends a jolt of electricity up his spine.

He exhales slowly, trying to calm himself down. He needs to stop thinking about it. Things will come naturally between them, if they were going to happen – just like they had every other step of the way. He doesn’t need to worry.

Jonghyun releases his hand when the elevator doors reopen, leaving Jinki lost again in his thoughts as he follows Jonghyun to the door of his apartment. Once inside, both of them toe off his shoes and head for the living room.

It’s a routine they both know by instinct now, but Jinki stops just short of the last step and remains hovering beside the couch when Jonghyun takes a seat, hesitant. A part of him wants to suggest going to the bedroom, since he thinks Jonghyun has some kind of projector set up in there too, but the words catch in his throat before he can even try and utter them. All he wants to do is kiss Jonghyun again.

“…Are you afraid of the couch, Jinki-yah?” Jonghyun teases, a half-smile on his lips. “You look nervous.”

Jinki quickly flicks off the light they’d turned on and takes a seat besides Jonghyun, ears flushed. “Sorry. I’m fine.”

He had built up this visit so much in his mind, he had never imagined what to do if Jonghyun didn’t jump on him the moment they got past the door. Actually watching the movie is the last thing on his mind with so much unresolved heat and tension building under his skin, but he can’t bring himself to simply lean over and kiss Jonghyun. It’d been easy before, when he’d been caught up in the thrill of their confession and half-dazed from sleep deprivation, but now? The weight of his inexperience feels like a solid rock in his stomach.

“Jinki-yah…we don’t have to do anything different than usual. I don’t want you to feel any pressure just because we’re dating now.” He pats his hand in reassurance, entirely misreading the reason for his nerves. “We can just watch this movie together.”

He nods numbly. He wants to correct Jonghyun, but how can he say the reason he’s nervous is because watching a movie isn’t what he wants to do?

The movie begins with slow orchestral music, and Jinki shifts his weight until he’s leaning against Jonghyun, trying not to feel disappointed when all he gets is an arm around him and a small smile in the dim light from television. After how things had gone when he’d first come out, he should have known that Jonghyun would default to watching something. Jonghyun was never direct in his words or actions when he was unsure of something. And Jinki hadn’t made it clear what he’s open too yet – so maybe Jonghyun just needed a little push?

Watching out of the corner of his eye at Jonghyun for a reaction, he shifts closer until their thighs are pressed completely against each other and places a hand on his knee. A brief moment of tension passes over Jonghyun’s face, but it’s gone as soon as he sees it. Jinki waits, hoping for something else, but after another minute of nothing, where there hands are still kept entirely to themselves, and Jonghyun shows no sign of distraction from the film, he decides he’s not being clear enough.

He might not know how to say that what he wants with words, but he can show it.

Taking Jonghyun’s hand in his own, he pulls it over to him and rests it on his thigh, then tucks his head above the collar of Jonghyun’s shirt and brushes his lips over his neck.

That makes Jonghyun stiffen. He pulls away slightly, putting just enough distance between them to look at Jinki questioningly.

His face heats under Jonghyun’s stare. Had he been too eager? Even if he’s really hoping they’ll have sex soon, he doesn’t want Jonghyun to think he  _only_ cares about that.

He smiles, hoping to convey all that, but it backfires when Jonghyun just smiles back and resettles against him.

Shit. Jinki tries to refocus on the movie, wanting to at least put some space between his attempts, but has little luck. He’s already missed the important parts of the plot in the introduction, and his body is still buzzing insistently at every point of contact he has with Jonghyun, even in the innocent clasp of their hands.

Jinki shifts until he can get a long look at Jonghyun. Jonghyun doesn’t look there – his eyes are glazed over, clearly on something other than the screen in front of him, and there’s a tension in his jaw that only tightens when Jinki clenches his hand over the one he’d placed on his thigh.

"Are you watching the movie at all?” Jinki asks. “You normally talk during them, but you’re quiet..”

Jonghyun swallows and thumbs at the tip of his nose. “I’m kind of watching it. I’m just a little distracted.”

“…From me?” Jinki asks.

He only realizes how bold the question is when Jonghyun’s head snaps to him in an instant. He clears his throat. “Kind of. But I don’t want you to feel you have to do anything –”

“I  _want_  to, hyung,” Jinki emphasizes. He looks down at their intertwined fingers to find his courage. If Jonghyun is too nervous about pressuring him, then he would just have to take the reins.

When he lifts his head to meet Jonghyun’s eyes, Jonghyun is already facing him, eyes dark, and reaching to cup his chin. He stops once his thumb meets Jinki’s jaw, looks at his lips, and swallows. “I just want you to know I’m fine with going slow. Okay?”

Jinki doesn’t bother to respond to that. He places a hand on Jonghyun’s knee for support and leans in, tilting his head just enough to let their lips press together smoothly.

Jonghyun inhales softly, a small hum of pleasure escaping his lips. Jinki fumbles a hand up to the back of Jonghyun’s neck to keep him close, wanting to deepen the kiss, and Jonghyun helps him, shifting his lips expertly until there’s no air left between them.

Whatever he’d said about being slow, it’s clear he’s forgotten it now. The hand he has on Jinki’s thigh presses down, and he grabs his wrist with the other, tightening his grip to drag it to his side.

The urgency of the motion shocks Jinki still. It’s not much more than they’ve done before, but he can feel the want behind it, just like he had the night Jonghyun had kissed him drunk, and everything feels so much more intense with the knowledge that they were both sober and he could stay all night.

When Jonghyun’s tongue presses lightly at the corner of his mouth, he jolts out his shock with a moan, nerves lighting as it turns into more and more as he opens his mouth. He closes his eyes, concentrating on adjusting himself to get more of the feeling and trying to imitate Jonghyun’s motions even as he lets him lead. The soft sound as Jonghyun switches to suck on his bottom lip is just audible under the pound of his pulse in his ears, and Jinki whimpers, caught off guard when the sensation immediately makes him throb.

“Hyung,” he breathes. His nails trail along Jonghyun’s scalp in a futile attempt to bring them closer, but Jonghyun pushes him back. At first, Jinki gives a whine of protest, but when he realizes the hands now at his waist as he are guiding him down onto the couch, he lets himself fall back all the way.

As Jonghyun crawls on top of him, he blinks widely, nearly too excited to breathe.  _Finally._

Jinki opens his legs and clutches Jonghyun’s shoulders when he lowers himself, any lingering nerves forgotten once he feels the weight of Jonghyun’s body settle over his. He kisses Jinki softly, not even moving more than their lips, but Jinki’s already burning, overwhelmed by the twitch in his jeans –  _both_  their jeans, shit – that comes with every kiss. Desperate, Jinki tugs at the bottom of Jonghyun’s shirt until there’s enough space slip his hands under the fabric and reach the smooth skin underneath. He splays his hands over Jonghyun’s back, trying to encourage him to move, and feels the shift of every muscle when Jonghyun gives a single teasing roll of his hips. The memory of what Jonghyun had looked like shirtless mingles with what he can feel under his palms, and he moans, his own hips rising with a need for more.

As if reading his thoughts, Jonghyun pulls back with a soft grin to rest on his knees. He moves his hands over Jinki’s and pants out a question. “Do you want my shirt off?”

Jinki flicks his eyes down to Jonghyun’s chest, taking a glance at what he can see through the hanging neckline of his shirt and the pushed-up parts around his torso.

“I – yeah,” he stammers, and without hesitation, Jonghyun grabs the hem of his shirt and tugs upwards to yank it quickly over his head.

Jinki stares, because  _shit_ , he’s broad, but he barely has time to appreciate the image before Jonghyun is back on his elbows over him, breathless and eager as he presses a kiss to Jinki’s chin. “Yours too, then?”

“Yeah,” Jinki agrees. He lifts his arms the instant Jonghyun reaches for the fabric. Jonghyun’s hands graze along his stomach teasingly, and Jinki shivers, arching into the movement and lifting himself just enough to get the shirt off of him and flung somewhere across the room.

The few seconds Jonghyun spends with eyes on him is enough to deepen the flush across his cheeks, and more than enough time for him to the view of Jonghyun’s chest and stomach he’d missed out on earlier. He’s heated when Jonghyun finally lays back over him, but he still gasps when their chests press together, caught entirely off guard by the sensation of warm and bare skin against his own.

Jonghyun hesitates. “You okay?”

Jinki nods quickly and locks his hands behind Jonghyun’s back, too dizzy for words. He grinds his hips up for friction, and Jonghyun returns the motion, sending his whole body buzzing with pleasure, but it’s still not enough – Jonghyun’s attention is on his jaw now, in soft kisses, before it shifts to his neck, and every sensation that flutters through him just makes him arch harder to try and get some pressure on his cock.

Jinki’s toes curl against the arm of the couch as Jonghyun continues down to his chest. When he looks down, his chest is already flushed, anticipation obvious in the splotches of pink that crawl up to his neck. He watches through his lashes as Jonghyun kisses around his collarbone, then sinks lower, supporting himself with a hand on his thigh and one on the couch when he closes his lips over Jinki’s nipple.

Jinki whines, hands flying to Jonghyun’s hair for something to grip. He hadn’t realized that would feel so good. “Hyung.”

With a soft hum, Jonghyun runs the flat of his tongue against his skin. Jinki’s hips buck up, and he opens his legs wider, half-hoping that might be the prompt Jonghyun is waiting for to move his hand that last distance from his thigh to bulge in the front of his jeans.

His heart leaps into his throat when it finally shifts, only to fall with a low rumble back into his chest when Jonghyun only slips his hand around to squeeze his ass. It’s good, but he’s aching, and he doesn’t know if he’s moaning because he’s just that worked up or because it’s torture waiting to see where Jonghyun might take this.

Suddenly, his phone rattles against the coffee table. Jinki turns his head against the arm of the couch him and clutches at Jonghyun’s hair, ignoring it – he’s too turned on to even  _think_ about answering – but Jonghyun lifts his head in question. “…Should you get that?”

“It’s fine,” Jinki pants, adjusting his fingers against the base of Jonghyun’s neck. “They’ll call again if it’s important.”

Jonghyun grins. “Alright.”

Just as he lowers his head again, the buzzing pauses as the call goes to voicemail, only to pick up against a second later as it rings a second time.

“Ugh.” Jinki squeezes his eyes shut and grimaces, wishing he could will away the phone call.  "Can you see who it is?“

Jonghyun leans over the table, squinting at the bright screen in the dark. ”…Gyeongshik? Isn’t that–“

"Shit.” Jinki sits up quickly, letting his hand finally fall away from Jonghyun’s hair. “It’s my manager.”

“You should probably get that, then.” Jonghyun passes him the phone and shifts to the other end of the couch to give him space.

Jinki grumbles an agreement and swipes his thumb across the screen, making sure his breath is steady before he puts the phone to his ear.  "Hello?“

"Hey, Jinki.” Kibum’s deep voice is instantly recognizable over the phone. “It’s two in the morning. Where are you?”

“I’m out?” Jinki asks, not bothering to hide his irritation. Better to sound annoyed than suspiciously flustered. “Why are you using our manager’s phone to call me?”

“I thought you might ignore it if it was one of us,” Kibum says, entirely undeterred by his unwarranted snappiness. “But anyway – it’s late. You’re coming back to the dorms, right? We have a meeting tomorrow morning.“

"We do?” Jinki blinks, trying to remember – he’s been paying less attention to their schedules for the past week, and had only glanced them over to find the next night he had free. He’d forgotten to consider the mornings.

“Yeah, that Etude House thing. I don’t really care what you’re doing, I just wanted to make sure you aren’t going to drink all night.” Kibum says. “You aren’t going to show up for an endorsement meeting hungover, right?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jinki agrees too easily, making Kibum sigh on the other end of the line.  "I haven’t had anything to drink at all. I went out alone.“

"Good,” Kibum says. “Anyway, since you’re here, about tomorrow…” Jinki tunes out the explanation of tomorrow’s schedule when he realizes Jonghyun is still resting back on his haunches, unable to help his attention from wandering to the shirtless man in front of him and the obvious tent in the front of his jeans.

A strangled noise escapes his throat as he tries to agree with whatever Kibum had been saying.

“…Are you sure you’re not drunk, old man? You sound out of it.”

Jinki snaps his eyes away quickly. “Uh, no, sorry – there’s just smoke in the bar.”

Kibum huffs, but thankfully doesn’t press. “Well, you better not be out much longer. We have to be out of the dorms by seven.“

"I’ll make it, don’t worry.”

He hangs up after a short farewell and looks up at Jonghyun, feeling guilty.

Jonghyun chews his lip, clearly just as lost as he is. “You have a schedule?”

“At seven.” He swallows. “I’m sorry I forgot about it.”

“It’s fine, Jinki-yah. I just feel bad I kept you up this late. If I had known…“ He trails off and stands, pulling his own shirt back on, then finds Jinki’s and tosses it his way. “You won’t get in trouble for this?”

"No. And it’s not like I didn’t want to come over, so don’t blame yourself.”

He shrugs his shirt back on reluctantly, already lost in his thoughts as he tries to remember the rest of his upcoming schedules. He just wants  _one_  night without interruptions, and he doesn’t want to wait long to see get it.

“I’m sorry again, hyung.” He approaches Jonghyun for a hug, resting his chin on Jonghyun’s shoulders as he pulls him close. "I’m not that busy right now, just…forgetful. We’ll see each other soon?”

“Of course.” Jonghyun gives him a peck on the cheek and walks him to the door.

When they reach it, Jinki rocks back on his heels and glances at Jonghyun’s lips, trying to build up his nerve. He  _should_  be able to manage a goodbye simple kiss after making out and dry humping, but the whole air between them feels awkward now. Jonghyun seems lost in his thoughts, and Jinki doesn’t feel like he has the right to break him out of it, not when he’s about to go.

Jonghyun smiles at him, tense around the edges, and stands on his toes to press their lips together briefly. “Text me when you figure out your schedule, okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll do that.” Jinki fumbles for the door knob. He feels strange in own his skin now that he’s dressed and leaving. He’d been so certain that tonight was the night  _something_  big would happen – whether it was what they’d done, something more, or even just a reiteration of the confession they’d already had.

But there’s always next time. Jonghyun said he was fine with going slow, and hopefully, that still held true even if it’s Jinki’s job holding them back and not a reluctance to jump into sex.


	9. Chapter 9

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah~

realjonghyun85: Do you want to go out for fried food and beer?

realjonghyun85: It would be a good date, right? Are you free tonight?

majingki: I’m free ^

majingki: I just have a schedule in the morning

majingki: Do you have your show pre-recorded?

realjonghyun85: Yeah, so we can hang out a while

realjonghyun85: How about we meet at 10?

majingki: Sounds good

majingki: Do you want to meet at your place?

realjonghyun85: It’ll just be easier to meet at a stand, I think

realjonghyun85: This new one I heard was good is closer to your place than mine

majingki: Alright

majingki: I’ll see you there then hyung ^^

Jinki squints at his texts as they hammer out the details, making sure to add some extra exclamation points and emoticons for enthusiasm before sending off the text with a sigh. He hates faking it. He never imagined he’d feel anything but excited to see Jonghyun, but he can’t help his frustration after their last few dates. They’d all been in very-public places, either restaurants or bars, and each had ended with a single, chaste kiss once they were in private.

He didn’t mind going out to drink or eat all the time when they were just friends. But now? He wants to kiss Jonghyun, hold his hand, and strip him shirtless so he can shamelessly stare at his muscles again. Being in public puts limitations on all that, and Jinki can’t help but think Jonghyun keeping them there is entirely deliberate.

Knowing Jonghyun, he’s probably doing it because of some worry that Jinki will have to drag out of him. And as annoying as that is, he’s not about to stand Jonghyun up because of it.

When it’s time to leave, he tugs on a facemask and a hat and heads down the stairs to the street. The place Jonghyun had suggested is within walking distance, and it’s late enough that he wouldn’t be easily recognizable in the street lights. He tucks himself into a corner away from the street and stews over his thoughts, but despite all of them, his heart still lifts when he spots a familiar black jacket and oversized boots.

“Hey.” Jinki smiles and opens his arms, letting Jonghyun walk up into their usual greeting hug.

“Hi, Jinki-yah.” Jonghyun pulls back before he can even try and linger and shoots a wide smile, as if trying to distract Jinki from the briefness of the hug. “You ready to eat as much as I can afford?”

“Always,” Jinki says, swallowing his hurt. He swears they’d had longer hugs than that even when they were just friends, but apparently Jonghyun was going to avoid that too.

They pull the flap of the stand’s tent open and enter together. Jinki follows Jonghyun inside to the counter, and his stomach drops when he hears Jonghyun ordering them a large serving of tteokbokki and a few random choices with their drinks — he only ever bought that much when they planned on sitting and staying for a while.

Disappointed, Jinki sighs and sits himself at the nearest empty table with room for two to wait for their food. Were they really going to spend the whole night out again? If Jonghyun wants to go slow, that’s fine, but he’d like to at least kiss his boyfriend for more than a brief farewell.

Jonghyun must have noticed his expression when he left, because when he joins Jinki at the table with their drinks and food, he sets the dishes between them with a frown. “…Are you alright? You look a bit off.”

“Just tired.” Jinki avoids looking up as Jonghyun pours out the first glass of soju. “We’ve had a lot of rehearsals lately."  

"I know what your face looks like when you’re overworked, and this isn’t it,” Jonghyun says. “You look more irritated than tired.”

Jinki sighs as he reaches over to pour Jonghyun’s glass. “I’m not angry, hyung.”

“But something’s bothering you,” Jonghyun insists. His frown deepens when Jinki throws back his drink. “I’d rather you tell me than hide it, whatever it is.”

Jinki chews his lip, conflicted. He doesn’t want to ruin one of their first few dates with a complaint, but he knows Jonghyun is unlikely to drop it now that he thinks there’s something there. “I just don’t want you to take anything I say the wrong way.”

Jonghyun nods slowly. “I don’t know what it is, but I’ll try not to.”

“Thanks.” Jinki takes a long pause to think over his wording and gather his courage. “I feel like things have changed over the past few weeks. It’s not  _bad_ , I guess — I like going out with you for drinks and food, but…it kind of feels like that’s all we do lately.”

Jonghyun stiffens. “We used to go out a lot.”

“I know.” Jinki looks around the tent to make sure no one is staring in their direction, then leans towards Jonghyun and lowers his voice. “It’s just that we can’t do anything different than what we used to do, if we’re in public — but we’re dating now.”

“Yeah.” Jonghyun takes a slow drink from his glass from his own glass and swallows, expression guilty. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not something you need to apologize for. It just makes me feel unsure of what you want. If nothing’s changed, are we really more than friends?”

Jonghyun balks. “Of course we are. I like you.”

“Why are you avoiding being alone with me, then?” Jinki says, unable to help his frustration. “I thought that was the time you enjoyed the most.”

“It  _is_ ,” Jonghyun says. “I’m not trying to avoid it because I dislike it.”

“Then why are you?”

Jonghyun pinches the bridge of his nose and sits back, face flushing under the cheap lights of the tent. “You really want to know?”

“Obviously.”

Jonghyun gestures for Jinki to lean towards him again, and when he does, lowers his voice to hide what he’s saying under the rumble of noise around them. “After last time, I realized things were moving fast — and that’s not your fault, I’m just awful at taking things slow — but I don’t want you to feel rushed into anything.”

“I don’t, hyung.”

“Still…we normally spend so much time at my apartment alone, and that kind of environment creates pressure on its own.” He shakes his head. “I know I’m the first guy you’ve dated. I want you to feel free to take your time with everything.“

“You don’t need to baby me, hyung,” Jinki says. He stares at Jonghyun until the man is forced to meet his eyes. "I’ve liked you for a long time now, and me being inexperienced doesn’t mean that I don’t know what I want.”

Jonghyun blinks, plainly caught off guard, and Jinki flushes. “Of course, I don’t want you to feel rushed, either.”

“I don’t think you need to worry about that.” He takes a drink to finish off his glass of soju and smiles sheepishly. “I guess I worried about this more than I needed to, then?”

“As always.”

“Sorry for that.” He sighs. “And I’m sorry if it came across like I’m not interested.”

“Oh, I wasn’t too worried about that.” Jinki grins, chest feeling much lighter now that he has the issue off his chest. “I saw you followed that new fansite of mine, so—”

When Jonghyun reaches across the table to cut him off with a shove, Jinki grabs his hand to stop him. Taking it in his own, he laces their fingers together, eyes fixed on Jonghyun’s as he tightens his grip briefly and runs a finger against his palm.

Jonghyun clears his throat when he finally lets go. “After we finish this bottle, would you want to go back to my place?”

Jinki swallows — he hadn’t expected their discussion to result in such a quick change. He quickly pours Jonghyun another glass, then does the same for himself, manners be damned.  “That sounds good, hyung.”

Jonghyun smiles at him, an eagerness in his eyes that his small smile can’t hide. “Let’s head back.”

 

***

 

The small talk they’d had over soju clearly removed whatever worries that had been holding Jonghyun back.

The moment they arrive back at the apartment, Jonghyun locks the door behind them and turns to Jinki with a small smile. He puts a hand on Jinki’s hip to pull him close. “You promise you’ll tell me if I go too far?”

Jinki nods. Jonghyun is too close for him to manage words. He can’t think about anything but kissing the man he’s been dying to be alone with for weeks, and all they might possibly do now that they finally have the chance. He wets his lips, preparing himself to lean down and meet Jonghyun’s, but is tugged down to them by his hair  before he can blink.

His stomach lights with sparks the moment their mouths meet.  _This_  is what he needed. He grips at Jonghyun’s waist quickly, and Jonghyun groans against his open mouth, hold instantly tightening on his hip and in his hair. It’s just like it’d been the first night, when Jonghyun was drunk and leading him into kisses so messy and deep he could hardly breathe — the only difference is Jonghyun’s coordination and the absence of overwhelming bitterness on his tongue — so he’s unsurprised when the hand on his hip roams over his back for only a brief moment before slipping down to grab his ass.

Jinki presses himself up against Jonghyun when he squeezes. His chin falls against Jonghyun’s shoulder. He pants out a soft and desperate  _hyung,_ desperately trying to grind against him for all the friction he can manage while they’re both standing without any sort of leverage. Jonghyun pushes back against him, meeting his lips and mumbling something, but Jinki doesn’t process that was a request to move somewhere better until he’s being guided away from the door.

They stumble through the kitchen, then the living room, kissing with every step, and somehow make it to the couch without tripping onto the floor. Jinki throws himself back onto the cushions with a grin, watching eagerly as Jonghyun follows him down and climbs over him. It’s only the second time he’s had Jonghyun over him — and the second time he’s been past the doorway of Jonghyun’s apartment since their confessions — but he hopes things might go further than they had last time.

He opens his knees to make room, and just like the last time, Jonghyun lays between them and cups his chin to kiss him. He starts slow and soft, working Jinki back up to where they had been before the clumsiness as they had moved rooms, but in a minute, it’s all tongue, and he has to stop himself from whining when Jonghyun pulls back to let them breathe.

“We can still take things as slow as you want,” Jonghyun says. His hips push down between Jinki’s legs as he moves down to kiss his neck. “Just because we’re doing this much doesn’t mean we have to do anything more.”

“I  _know_ , hyung,” Jinki says, too focused on the way Jonghyun’s lips are tracing his jaw to even feel irritated at having to field the same question a dozenth time. “But we can do whatever you want. I’m okay with anything.”

Jonghyun’s breath stutters against his neck. He slips his hands under Jinki’s shirt, touch tentative across his stomach as he thinks over the offer. “You’re sure?”

“ _Yes_ , I’m sure.” Wanting to prove it, Jinki lifts himself up onto his elbows and tugs his shirt the rest of the way off, tossing it aside hastily before meeting Jonghyun’s eyes. “If you have something in mind, just say it. I’ll let you know if I don’t want it.”

Jonghyun’s stares at him openly, gaze darkening as he mulls over the words. His hands return to Jinki’s now-bare stomach to guide him back down to the couch. “Can I suck you off?”

Jinki opens his mouth in an attempt to respond with an enthusiastic  _yes_ , but all that comes out is an awkward exhale. Out of nervousness, Jonghyun pulls back and licks his lips, which makes Jinki lose his words again. If he weren’t already so eager, the images  _that_  gives him would be enough to crumble any hesitance he might have had.

When he finally gathers himself, his cheeks are red. “Yeah, uh—we can try that. I’d like to.”

“Alright. Tell me if you want me to stop.”

Jonghyun reaches back for his cheek, tilting his head up as he leans over him for another kiss. Just before he pulls back, he pushes his tongue against the corner of Jinki’s mouth. A small smirk rests on his lips as he retreats, and that’s the last glimpse of Jonghyun’s mouth Jinki gets before he lowers himself to kiss Jinki’s collarbone. Jinki grabs for his hair and holds tight, fingers pulsing in rhythm with the licks and nips Jonghyun gives his bare skin until he finally returns to his lips.

The promise of where things are headed is evident in the way Jonghyun kisses him now. He licks steadily at Jinki’s bottom lip before pushing his tongue inside inside, and his breathing is rough as he lowers his hands until he has a palm fully resting over Jinki’s cock. “I’m going to start, okay?”

Jinki nods fervently, but Jonghyun doesn’t see it. His eyes are already lowered, and he’s moving down the couch to rest at eye-level with Jinki’s belt. He works at the buckle, then the button of his jeans, then the zipper, movements getting clumsier at each step in his eagerness. He steals one last glance up at Jinki, then looks back down and tugs his jeans lower to fully reveal the swell in his boxers.

There’s already a small stain in the fabric, but it’s covered quickly from view as Jonghyun presses himself against it to run a series of kisses down the shaft. Jinki holds his breath, blinking hard as Jonghyun lavishes the area with attention, and gasps when Jonghyun finally grips him to draw him out.

His cheeks blaze with heat as Jonghyun eyes him fully, but his need is too strong for him to feel much self-consciousness despite the weight of Jonghyun’s stare. He watches, anticipating, as Jonghyun’s fingers curl around the base of his cock, but his head head falls back against the arm of the couch at the first stroke he makes upwards. He feels something wet — Jonghyun’s lips, he thinks — follow the motion of his hand and remain just above his knuckles until he reaches the head of his cock, and then he’s slipping them lower to kiss the underside as he continues to stroke the rest.

“Shit,” Jinki breathes. It’s barely more than he’s done to himself, but it feels so much better. His hands fly to Jonghyun’s shoulders, and he looks down, watching as Jonghyun peeks out his tongue to swirl it slowly over the slit of his cock before parting his lips and taking in the head. Jinki swears again, now overwhelmed — he can feel  _everything._  It’s warm and wet and tight, and somehow, Jonghyun is still making circles with his tongue, lapping and teasing all as he strokes Jinki’s cock.

He forces himself to continue watching even as pleasure overwhelms him. Meeting his eyes, Jonghyun smiles around him, then lowers himself further, humming in the back of his throat as he continues to wet his mouth and build up spit and make a smoother slide. It covers his lips and drips to his hand, making it even harder for Jinki to resist meeting the slow rhythm of Jonghyun’s mouth and hand with his hips.

The next time his his hips twitch, Jonghyun pulls off to smile at him again, lips still pressed against the head. “You can move a bit if you want, Jinki-yah. It won’t bother me.”

Jinki mumbles out an acknowledgment as Jonghyun closes his mouth around him again. He closes his eyes as Jonghyun sinks down, this time letting his hips rise up, and moans softly when he feels even more of the wet heat of Jonghyun’s mouth around him.

He shifts his hands to thread fingers in Jonghyun’s hair, torn between using it to pull him off and tugging him down further. His control had been thin before, but like this, he’s certain he won’t be able to last long. Every stroke feels too good to bear, and the way Jonghyun meets every rise of his hips with a slow suck of the head is making his pulse thrum harder.

"Jonghyun —” Jinki breathes. “— _Hyung._  I don’t think I’ll last long, if we keep doing this.”

The words sound like a senseless jumble of sounds, but Jonghyun seems to understand them. He tightens his hand and nods as much as he’s able without pulling off, then looks up at Jinki, conveying with only the heat in his eyes and the insistence of his lips that he wants to make Jinki unravel with his mouth.

Jinki closes his eyes. It only takes one more stroke, and one more motion of  _something_  with Jonghyun’s tongue, for pleasure to overtake him him completely. He gasps, throwing his head back as his thighs shake under Jonghyun’s hand and his cock pulses firmly in the other.

When Jonghyun finally pulls off of him, the slick sound of it makes him shiver, and he realizes only as Jonghyun is tucking him back into his boxers that he must’ve swallowed every bit. Jonghyun moves back up to look at him face-to-face, a proud grin on his lips. “You liked that?”

“Y-yeah,” Jinki laughs, amused at the lump in his throat. He hadn’t realized speaking would be such a struggle. "That was amazing.”

Jonghyun smiles wider and kisses him. Still in a daze, Jinki opens his lips up instinctively at the first hint of tongue, only to flush deeply when he realizes he can taste himself in Jonghyun’s mouth. It’s hot, in a way, even though he’s not used to it — but he doesn’t have time to think about it long.

With Jonghyun over him again, and his own needs sated, all he can notice is the hardness in Jonghyun’s jeans. He swallows when Jonghyun shifts, taking a moment for the buzz of excitement in his stomach to settle, then pulls away from their kiss to speak.

“Do you want me to touch you, hyung?“

Jonghyun’s breath hitches. His knees clench around Jinki’s leg with poorly-hidden interest. "Only if you want to. I’d like it, obviously, but I’m also okay with things not being even.”

“I want to,” Jinki says, entirely certain. The only reason he’d hesitate in doing anything with Jonghyun is a fear of messing up, but he doubts he’ll jerk him off wrong. He reaches down and palms briefly at the seam of Jonghyun’s jeans, a thrill racing through him when he feels Jonghyun’s dick instantly twitch under his touch. “Can I just…go for it?

Jonghyun blinks hard and nods. “Shit, yes.”

Jinki fumbles with the button and yanks down the zipper, then stops, caught off guard by the pulse he feels against the back of his hand.

Jinki’s heart races. He’d felt Jonghyun’s cock through jeans, but that’d been different — now he can feel all of its heat. Jonghyun sucks in a harsh breath and pulls his lip between his teeth, waiting patiently even as he practically throbs with the need for attention.

Swallowing, Jinki turns his hand until he’s cupping Jonghyun palm-up through his boxers and can feel the full weight and shape of him. He keeps an eye on the tension in Jonghyun’s jaw, then presses up, watching with fascination as Jonghyun sinks his teeth deeper into his plush bottom lip.

Though the anticipation on Jonghyun’s face is the hottest thing he’s ever seen, he can’t bare teasing any longer.

He slips clumsy fingers through the slit in Jonghyun’s boxers and pulls out his cock, then pauses again as the weight of it in his hand makes his cheeks warm. He never thinks about how his own cock feels, but he notices everything about Jonghyun’s, from the ridge under the head to the slickness of his foreskin when he shifts his thumb up to the tip. When Jonghyun moans, he pushes his hand back to the base slowly, his own stomach tensing in delight when Jonghyun’s eyes squeeze shut with pleasure.

“Jinki.” Jonghyun’s throat tenses as he tries to swallow the moan that follows, and Jinki gives him another full stroke, a small noise of his own escaping when Jonghyun’s head falls to his shoulder. Heated breaths fall against his shoulder. He repeats the motion, this time with a slicker palm, and Jonghyun’s hips buck forward with pleasure.

"You can go faster, if you want,” Jonghyun mumbles. When Jinki obliges, making two strokes in the time he’d taken for one, Jonghyun twitches in his hand and thrusts forward. “L-like that, yeah.”

Jinki grips Jonghyun tighter and glances down, watching as the head of his cock peeks through his fingers with every motion. Just the image is enough to get him excited again, and when Jonghyun moves his knees up on the couch to bury his face in Jinki’s neck, he raises his hips up on instinct to take advantage of the new placement of his thigh.

The sound of Jonghyun’s fingers gripping at the leather cushion by his head makes his chest pound. When he speeds up his hand more, Jonghyun’s thrusts lose rhythm as he pants against Jinki’s shoulder. “—Might come soon.”

“Yeah?” A thrill races up Jinki’s spine, the realization that he has Jonghyun’s pleasure in his hands making him bold. “I want you to come, hyung.”

“F-fuck.”

Jonghyun throbs in his fist, cock somehow even harder, and shudders as he makes one last push forward. As Jinki continues stroking him, he comes with a soft groan, leaving splatters of white across his chest and stomach.

When it ends, he pulls back, lashes fluttering as he tries to look down. “Sorry, Jinki-yah…I wasn’t trying to make a mess on purpose.”

“It’s fine, really.” Jinki laughs shyly. “It’s definitely not something I mind. Or that I wouldn’t want.”

The pleasured-induced flush across Jonghyun’s cheeks deepens. “Well, um — we can talk about that later.”

Jinki nods. He pulls his hands back from Jonghyun, hovering them awkwardly over himself to keep the come that had gotten on his hands from getting on either of their clothes. “Do you have, uh…something I can wipe on?”

“Right, sorry.” Jonghyun stands quickly and dashes out of the room, returning with a small hand towel that Jinki recognizes from the second bathroom and immediately starts to dab at the mess on his stomach.

Content to be taken care of, Jinki slumps further back into the couch with a sigh and a smile. “I’ve wanted that for a  _long_ time.”

Jonghyun’s eyes wrinkle with amusement as he grins. “The blowjob, or getting to touch me?”

“Both, obviously,” Jinki says, too giddy to be embarrassed by the admission.

Jonghyun laughs and sets aside the hand towel before kissing his cheek. “Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I was pretty nervous, knowing I was going to be your first anything…I didn’t want to mess that up.”

Jinki shrugs. “We like each other, and you obviously know what you’re doing. There was no way it could’ve gone badly.”

Jonghyun purses his lips. “I guess so.”

“I mean it.” Jinki opens his arms, inviting Jonghyun to join him back on the couch. “Now, can we be close? I feel a lot better about cuddling now that I’m not constantly wondering if you want to have sex.”

Jonghyun laughs and falls into his arms, adjusting his limbs and neck until he can comfortably rest with his head on Jinki’s bare chest. He sighs and reaches up to trace a finger along Jinki’s jaw. “Was it really on your mind that much all this time?”

“I’m a young man, hyung. What were  _you_  like at my age?”

A huff that sounds more offended than amused falls against his skin. “Don’t put it like that, Jinki-yah. You make it sound like I’m too old.”

“Well, that’s what you get for making us avoid your apartment for so long.”

“I’m only four years older than you, you know,” Jonghyun grumbles. He sits up on his elbows to narrow his eyes at Jinki. “And I’d be willing to bet I’ve thought a lot more about us fucking than you have.”

The thought sends his pulse racing, but he forces himself to only raise a brow. “Yeah? Like how?”

Jonghyun’s lip quirks. “Not telling. I don’t want to influence you so early, you’re still figuring out what you want.”

“Hyung, come on,” Jinki whines. “I already told you I’m up for anything. You can tell me.”

Jonghyun shifts up the couch until their noses brush. Jinki’s holds his breath “Wouldn’t you rather me just show you? ”

Jinki swallows, overwhelmed. For all the physical contact they’d had throughout their friendship, he had no idea Jonghyun could be _seductive_  like this. How had he survived hiding his feelings for a year?

He places a hand on the back of Jonghyun’s neck to pull him closer before Jonghyun mistakes his pause for reluctance. “Anything you want, hyung.”

Jonghyun mumbles a breathy curse, then throws himself forward, pressing his lips against Jinki with a force that sets his nerves on fire.

When Jonghyun pulls back, Jinki pants and stares at him with half-lidded eyes, expecting something new, but all he gets is a teasing smile. “Next time, maybe? I don’t know if we should do much more tonight.”

Jinki frowns. “I can’t see a reason it would matter…”

“You told me you had a schedule tomorrow,” Jonghyun says. “And I’ll be too tired to get up early and drive you back to the dorms if we stay up all night having sex. I’d rather you be able to stay over without any worries.”

“I could call a cab in the morning?”

“I am  _not_  sending you back to the dorms in a cab after our first time.” Jonghyun laughs and shakes his head. “There’s nothing romantic about that.”

Jinki sighs. “I hate that you’re making sense.”

“Trust me, I don’t want you to leave. But I  _also_  don’t want you to get you into trouble.”

“I don’t think I would. Jino’s convinced I have a secret girlfriend, and Minho always thinks me not being at the dorms by midnight means I’ve gotten kidnapped.”

Jonghyun purses his lips. “I better bring you home soon, then…it’s already one.”

“Seriously?” Jinki balks. “I thought we just got here.”

“You know time passes quickly when you’re having fun,” Jonghyun teases, grinning wide, and Jinki returns it with one of his own. He tugs Jonghyun closer, pulling him into a kiss, and lets it linger just long enough to draw a shiver out of the man on top of him.

Jonghyun pulls back with a halted breath. “You need to put your shirt back on, Jinki-yah. Otherwise you’re never going to leave.”

Jinki grumbles. “Would that the the worst thing?”

“When you have a schedule tomorrow, yes.” Jonghyun rolls off of him to grab his shirt from across the room, then presents it to him. “Let’s not raise any suspicions before you even get to stay over, alright?”

 

***

 

When they arrive at the dorm building, the back entrance is empty, save for him and Jonghyun. Jinki had made him park at one of the empty visitor spots in the front of the building to get him back here, where they could be alone, in the hopes of getting the farewell kiss they couldn’t risk sneaking in the car. Already familiar with where to look for passersby from when he sneaks back here to smoke, Jinki double-checks the entrances and exits to the alley, then grabs Jonghyun’s hand.

Jonghyun blinks at him slowly, clearly confused, but realizes Jinki’s intent the moment he leans forward. He puts a hand on his chest to stop him.

“We’re  _outside,_ Jinki-yah. What are you doing? ”

Jinki steps forward. He likes the wide-eyed look Jonghyun gives him too much. "There’s no one back here, hyung — I checked. It’s safer than trying to kiss in the car.”

Jonghyun tucks his hands firmly into his pockets even as his eyes linger on Jinki’s lips. “I’m not doing it. It’s way too risky.”

“Come up to the dorms for a second, then?” Jinki offers, keeping his eyes on Jonghyun even as he approaches the locked door to punch in the coads. “It’s so late, all the members should be asleep by now.”

Jonghyun rocks back on his heels, hesitation obvious. “Am I even allowed up there?”

“Of course you are — you’re my friend,” Jinki teases, grinning wide. “And besides, you’ve never gotten to see my room. I’d like you to see it at least once.”

“You suggesting that worries me even more than the idea of kissing out here.”

Jinki laughs. “I mean it innocently, I promise.”

Jonghyun raises a skeptical eyebrow, but nods. “Alright. But we’re not doing anything more than a quick kiss, okay?”

“I know, hyung.”

They head through the now-unlocked door together. Jinki leads Jonghyun through the back halls of his apartment complex until they reach the elevators. The moment the doors close behind them, Jinki slips his hand into Jonghyun’s, still too giddy from their time on the couch to go without touching him for long.

“I really enjoyed tonight.”

Jonghyun smiles at him shyly and brushes a thumb along his wrist. “I did too.”

Their hands drop back to their sides when the elevator comes to a stop and the doors reopen on the floor for Jinki’s dorm. Through the rest of the hallways, Jonghyun stays a step behind him, but he lets his shoulder bump against Jinki’s when they stop at the door. 

“This is it?”

Jinki nods. He enters the familiar four-digit code for the lock into the keypad, then ushers Jonghyun into the unlit entrance of the dorm and follows him inside.

As he expected, all of the members are asleep. Every light is off, and only the distant greenish glow from the kitchen stove’s clock makes their movements visible in the dark.

“It’s smaller than I expected, considering there’s five of you,” Jonghyun whispers.

“It used to drive me crazy, but I don’t mind it as much now that I have my own room.” He reaches for Jonghyun and brushes a hand along his side. “Do you want to see it? It’s in the back.”

"If it’s all the way back there, I don’t want to risk waking someone up…”

“Alright.” Jinki tugs on Jonghyun’s shirt until he’s forced to step closer. “Can I at least have my kiss?”

Jonghyun looks up at him through his lashes and smiles teasingly as his hand slips to Jinki’s hip. “Maybe. Do you still want it?”

Jinki nearly groans in frustration before he realizes he needs to keep quiet. He glares at Jonghyun instead. “You’re cruel, hyung.”

Jonghyun stands on his toes and lets their lips meet in a chaste kiss. By the time Jinki’s eyes are closed, Jonghyun is already pulling away.

Jinki sighs with longing. “One more?”

Jonghyun nods, looking just as reluctant to part as Jinki feels. Wanting to make the most of it, Jinki buries his fingers in Jonghyun’s hair and kisses him firmly. A hum of pleasure rumbles in Jonghyun’s chest, and Jinki steps closer, the motion as natural and thoughtless as quickening of his pulse.

His fingers tighten in Jonghyun’s bleached strands as he loses himself in the feeling. It’s too easy to forget he’s supposed to hold back when everything is still so new — just a simple press of their lips is enough to set sparks off under his skin.

He deepens the kiss and runs his tongue across Jonghyun’s bottom lip. Instantly, Jonghyun jolts against him, a barely-caught moan catching in his throat before he leans back to glare.

“I’m supposed to be  _leaving_ , Jinki-yah — not staying the night. You shouldn’t get me worked up.“

“I wish you could stay, though,” Jinki whispers as he presses himself up against Jonghyun again and kisses him. “I’ve thought about it a lot — what we could do if I invited you over when everyone’s gone. We’ve never gotten to be a in a bed together.”

The swear Jonghyun hisses is cut off when Jinki grips him by the hips and forces him closer. Jonghyun’s arms tighten around him, and he stretches up, kissing Jinki as deeply as he can when they need to stay silent. The noises Jinki wants to make build in his chest, and one escapes unbidden when Jonghyun finally pulls back to breathe.

Jinki’s heart stops at the look on Jonghyun’s face when he opens his eyes. The smile that usually lingers on Jonghyun’s lips when they part is entirely absent — Jonghyun’s eyes are wide, mouth drawn tight with fear, and Jinki knows even before Jonghyun points over his shoulder and gestures for him to turn around what he’ll find.

From the other end of the hallway, Taemin is staring at him, tension etched into every inch of his stillness.

“Hyung?”

Jinki glances nervously between him and Jonghyun, then tries to smile. “H-hey, Taemin.”

Taemin remains frozen, but his eyes shift to Jonghyun and widen in recognition, then narrow with scrutiny.

Jinki isn’t sure how much time passes in time in silence before Jonghyun tugs on his hand and whispers. “Do you want me here? Or should I go?”

“…You should probably go,” Jinki says.

He’s not certain it’s the right answer — it’s not even what he wants — but he’s most used to talking to Taemin alone. And hopefully, removing Jonghyun from view will make it easier to convince Taemin to forget what he’d seen.

Jonghyun’s grip on him tightens. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

Jinki swallows. “That’s not really up to me.”

Jonghyun’s brows knit with worry, but he nods. He hesitates before acknowledging Taemin with an awkward wave, then reaches for the doorknob and pauses to look back at Jinki one last time. “You’ll call me later? Please?“

"Yeah,” Jinki agrees.

His hands feel numb as he shuts the door behind Jonghyun. When he forces himself to turn around, he hangs his head to hide from Taemin’s continued stare — already, he wishes he had asked Jonghyun to stay. He never planned on coming out to anyone, let alone one of the members, and has no idea how to handle this.

Taemin seems just as clueless as him. He rocks on the sides of his socked feet, a nervous habit Jinki recognizes, and sounds distant when he finally speaks.  “That was…Jonghyun-ssi, wasn’t it?”

Jinki nods. Taemin’s lips twist into a frown, and Jinki’s stomach rolls.

“Can we talk about this?” Another wave of nausea clenches his stomach, and he gestures to the couch. “Sitting down, preferably?”

After a long pause, Taemin nods.

Jinki tries to regather himself as he leads the way to the couch and sits on the opposite end from the corner Taemin takes. In an effort to clear his thoughts, he pinches the skin between his thumb and index finger until it hurts, but finds himself just as lost as before.

He hasn’t the slightest clue of what Taemin will think of him. They’ve never talked about this — never even talked the existence of gay people as a  _concept_  — and he’s always been too afraid to test the water for any of the members views.

Taemin won’t look at him, which seems like the worst kind of sign — but then again, Jinki can’t imagine he’d have an easy time looking Taemin in the eye minutes after catching him kissing someone in their dorm.

“You and Jonghyun-ssi — you’re always seeing each other…” Taemin trails off, obviously struggling with what to say. “Are you dating?”

Jinki bites his lip. He expected that question, with what Taemin saw — but how can he answer it? If he’d been drunk, maybe he could have passed off the kiss as an outlet for sexual frustration, or even mistaking Jonghyun for a girl — but he knows none of that would work. Not when they were both clearly sober, and he’d spent nearly every night he’d had free since they got back from Japan visiting Jonghyun.

If there’s even a plausible lie to make, he can’t think of one now.

His legs weaken, and despite the couch underneath him, he feels like he’s falling.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” he whispers, voice cracking in desperation. “I didn’t mean for anyone to know.”

Taemin’s head snaps up. He stares at Jinki intently. “I’m not stupid, hyung. I know what that would do to you — to  _us_  — and our careers. I’m not going to say anything to anyone about what I saw.”

Jinki slumps forward with relief and lets his head fall into his hands. “Thank you.”

He’d imagined the consequences of being discovered hundreds of times before he confessed to Jonghyun — but it had been so easy to forget about them with Jonghyun in front of him.

“But you  _are_ dating him, right?”

After a moment of hesitation, Jinki nods.

The sickness in his stomach swells when Taemin sucks in a sharp breath. “How long?”

Jinki  glances over his shoulder to the closed bedroom doors before answering. He can’t shake the feeling that the other members will walk in on the conversation, now that Taemin had found out.

“It’s been a month or two. We got together after we finished our promotions in Japan,”

Taemin purses his lips as he processes the information, eyes on the floor. The silence claws at Jinki’s chest until he finds the nerve to speak.

“Are you upset with me?”

“That’s…hard to answer.” Taemin sighs deeply. “You know I don’t think we should have to avoid dating because we’re idols, but I’m bothered you’d risk that much when this case is obviously…different, you know.” He pauses, clearly uncomfortable. “Since Jonghyun is a man.”

Jinki clenches his fingers in the leather of the couch and looks down. All their years as bandmates and friends are flitting through his mind, and he’s all too aware of how those could be marred in an instant by who he is.

He swallows. Better to confront it now than later, when the members would be awake.

“I understand if you’re, um…surprised by me dating a man. Or bothered.“

"It’s not that, hyung.” Jinki blinks up at him, plainly shocked, and Taemin fidgets under his stare. “I mean — I don’t care. I’ve known you a long time, and I trust you.” He flushes. “It’s just what I already said, about the risks of you dating — and that it’s Jonghyun-ssi. He’s so much older, and I know you’re always drinking together. I worry that he’s taking advantage of you. Or he plans to, later on.”

“It’s really just that you’re bothered by?” Jinki asks, disbelieving.

“It’s not like you dating him is a small thing,” Taemin grumbles. “He’s way older than you.”

“He’s really not,” Jinki says. “I get that it might seem like that to you, but there’s only four years between me and him. It’s not that big of a gap.”

“And everything else?”

“He’s never taken advantage of me,” Jinki says. “And he’s not going to. We drink around each other, yeah, but….I’ve always been the one to start things between us.” He feels his cheeks heat as Taemin’s eyes widen. “And nothing’s happened till recently. He wouldn’t pressure me into anything I’m not comfortable with.”

Taemin’s mouth draws into a straight line, brows staying knit tight together. "Still… he’s not an idol. I know he has his radio show, and his composing, but  he doesn’t have to worry about image the same way we do. He has a lot less to lose if something comes out, or if he decides to hold this over your head.”

“He wouldn’t blackmail me, if that’s what you’re suggesting,” Jinki snaps, unable to help his defensiveness. “And we’ve already talked about everything else. He’s more careful about making sure no one sees us than I am.”

Taemin narrows his eyes, skeptical. “He’s obviously not  _that_  careful. I caught you tonight.”

“It was my idea to bring him up here,” Jinki says. “I wanted to bring him to my room, but he was worried we’d wake up the members going that far in the dorm.”

At the mention of his room, Taemin turns bright red and goes quiet. If Jinki weren’t so on edge, the tormented expression on Taemin’s face would be amusing, but now it makes him fall silent as his gut gives another twist.

Taemin clears his throat and sits back. “I get that you trust him, hyung, but you need to be more careful. Don’t send him pictures or anything like that.”

“Pictures?”

“Like, of yourself naked. Or doing…stuff.”

It’s Jinki’s turn to flush. “I wouldn’t do that. You know I won’t even take my shirt off for concept photos, so you don’t need to worry.”

“You’re clearly a little more reckless in your personal life, hyung.”

“Not  _that_ much.”

“You’re risking a lot already, just by dating him,” Taemin points out. “And you already got caught by me. What if I’d been one of the other members? Or one of our managers? You know they still stay here sometimes.”

Jinki chews his lip for a moment before answering. “I’m sorry. I just…got caught up in everything being new, I think. I’ll be more careful in the future. It won’t happen again.”

“It better not.” Taemin sighs. "I don’t know how anyone else will react.”

Jinki nods silently, mind still racing ahead. Most of what they had discussed so far had been about practicalities, as he would expect from Taemin, but the way he’d glossed almost completely over his personal feelings and focused on Jonghyun makes him nervous. Did Taemin even get that this wasn’t just about him? And this was part of who he is?

The next time Taemin meets his eyes, he can’t help but confront it directly. “You get that Jonghyun isn’t an exception or an experiment, right?”

Taemin blinks. “What?”

“I like Jonghyun, but…I feel like you should know it’s not just because of who he is.” He takes a deep breath. “I like men, in general. Only men. ”

“I kind of guessed that, yeah. Since Jonghyun is a guy.”

“And you’re okay with it?”

Taemin gives him a soft smile. "I’m fine with it, hyung. I kind of wondered what you really liked, since you were always bad at giving ideal types for girls. Though I guess now that I think about it, you did always name the older ones…”

Jinki laughs as a bit of the tension he’d been holding onto seeps out of him. “I’m pretty sure that was a coincidence.”

Taemin quirks his lip. “It’s kind of a funny one, though.”

“Yeah.”

He smiles as he agrees, throat feeling tight. The fact that Taemin  _knows_  and is accepting is just starting to hit him. Before he even realizes it, his eyes begin to sting, and a sneaky blot at his face does nothing to hide it from Taemin.

“Hyung?” He hesitates. “Are you alright? …Did I say something wrong?”

“No.” He shakes his head. “This was just a bit of a ride, going from thinking my career was over and you hated me to making jokes in ten minutes.”

Taemin places a hand on his arm in his own awkward form of comfort. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Jinki inhales, forcing himself to breathe until he feels his eyes are no longer watering. “I just appreciate you being accepting of me, even if you don’t entirely approve of me dating Jonghyun.”

“It’s not that I dislike him or anything….it’s that I don’t know him as well as you do, so I don’t trust him to keep such a big secret and protect our image. I just have to take your word for it that he’s an alright guy.”

Jinki sighs. “You’re worse than a parent, you know. Would you feel better if you got to know him more?”

Taemin frowns at he thinks it over. “I guess, maybe? But it’s not like I want to be in your business…”

“I already kind of brought you in it tonight when I let us get caught,” Jinki says. “So I’ll leave that up to you. I don’t want you to worry about my private life if it can be helped.”

“I’m not going to worry too much…but I guess I would feel better knowing that he knows I won’t let him get away with anything.”

Jinki snorts. “You’re don’t need to be so protective, considering you’re my dongsaeng.”

“Someone has to look out for you, if you’re going to keep all of this secret,” Taemin says. “Things like that can go really badly.”

Jinki smiles and shrugs. A part of him is still displeased by Taemin’s suspicions — he doubts he’d be quite as skeptical if Jonghyun were a woman four years older — but he can appreciate the concern it comes from.

“I don’t think there’s any chance of our relationship going badly…but thank you still, Taemin-ah,” he says, meaning every word, and swallows when he feels his throat tighten. “I really can’t express how much all of this means to me.”

Taemin mumbles something indistinctly and sinks back into the couch cushions with a flush, clearly unsure what to do with himself and the sincerity of Jinki’s words. “You should go to bed, hyung. Staying up this late makes people act all weird.”

Jinki laughs lightly and pats Taemin’s knee. “Same to you. You’re acting more soft than usually, too”

Taemin rolls his eyes, but the pull of his lips is pleased. “Whatever. I’m always nice.”


	10. Chapter 10

majingki: Hey hyung

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah!!

realjonghyun85: Are you okay?

realjonghyun85: I’m so sorry about tonight … I should have been more careful

majingki: I’m the one that invited you up hyung

majingki: You don’t need to apologize

majingki: And I’m fine, I think…

majingki: I finished talking with Taemin a bit ago

majingki: He’s not going to tell anyone about what he saw

realjonghyun85: I’m so glad

realjonghyun85: What did you end up saying?

majingki: The truth, pretty much…

majingki: About us dating and me being gay

realjonghyun85: Really?

majingki: Yeah

majingki: I didn’t think I could get away with faking drunkenness

majingki: But it still went okay somehow

realjonghyun85: I’m so relieved

realjonghyun85: It feels like I waited hours … I really worried about you TT

realjonghyun85: The last thing I want is to get you in trouble or lose you

majingki: Sorry hyung … we ended up talking for a long time

realjonghyun85: And it was all good?

majingki: Yeah … I’m kind of surprised he was so accepting of me

majingki: We’ve never talked about anything like that before

majingki: I kind of assumed him being so serious about his religion would make him disgusted by me

realjonghyun85: I would’ve worried about that too … my dad was definitely that type

realjonghyun85: I’m glad this worked out so well, though

majingki: Me too…

majingki: He didn’t care about me being gay much at all…

majingki: Most of his worries are about me dating as an idol

majingki: And about the fact I’m dating you … I think he’s a bit wary since you’re older

realjonghuyn85: Ah

realjonghyun85: I guess I probably do seem ancient to him, huh…

majingki: Only because he’s so young hehe

majingki: He was a bit worried about blackmail too, and whether you cared enough to protect our image…

majingki: But I think he only had those worries because he doesn’t know you well

realjonghyun85: Wow … I hope that’s all it is

realjonghyun85: I don’t want to seem like that type of guy TT

majingki: He’s just being paranoid, hyung

majingki: I kind of want to assure him, but … I think it’d take you two meeting each other more

majingki: I understand if you don’t want to, but I think they might go away if he got to know you more

majingki: Right now he just associates you with the radio … and me staying out all night and drinking ^^;

realjonghyun85: When you put it like that, I can see why he’d worry a bit…

realjonghyun85: I wouldn’t mind getting to know him better

realjonghyun85: You met my family, so it’s only fair I get to meet part of yours ^^

majingki: Hehe … true

majingki: Your mom and sister weren’t worried about me taking advantage of you, though

realjonghyun85: Because I’d been telling them how sweet and perfect you are for the past year hehe

realjonghyun85: They know you from your image a bit too, since you’re famous

majingki: I guess so ^^;

majingki: I just hope he doesn’t ask weird questions or accuse you of anything to your face

realjonghyun85: I can handle it, don’t worry

realjonghyun85: I think it’s kind of cute he’s that protective of you when he’s your dongsaeng

majingki: I guess ^^;

majingki: It’s a little much … but I know he has good intentions

majingki: And after tonight I guess I can’t blame him for worrying we’ll do something stupid and get caught

realjonghyun85: Yeah … I can’t either

realjonghyun85: We were too careless

realjonghyun85: Hopefully once he knows me better he’ll trust us to be discreet

majingki: I hope so too

majingki: He’s already giving me advice…

majingki: Telling me not to send you any nudes or anything

realjonghyun85: What???

realjonghyun85: Do I really seem like I’d ask for that??

majingki: Like I said, he just doesn’t know you as well as I do…

majingki: If I weren’t an idol, would you ask for them?

realjonghyun85: Why are you asking me that … the answer’s obvious

realjonghyun85: Of course I want to see you like that

realjonghyun85: But I know pictures are too risky, so I’d never want you to

majingki: Hyung…

realjonghyun85: Sorry, was that too much?

majingki: Not at all

majingki: I just realized we haven’t seen each other naked yet

realjonghyun85: That’s true … just shirtless so far

realjonghyun85: I should’ve undressed you completely tonight, but I was impatient and nervous

majingki: I was too hehe

majingki: Maybe next time?

realjonghyun85: What is this, Jinki-yah … you’re even more of a flirt than I am

realjonghyun85: How can I stand waiting now that you’ve said that?

majingki: ^^

majingki: You’ll live

realjonghyun85: Hopefully TT

realjonghyun85: Sigh …

realjonghyun85: You distracted me … how did our conversation get here from Taemin

realjonghyun85: We should fix everything with him first

realjonghyun85: I don’t want you to stay the night with me while he’s still uncertain about my intentions

majingki: I wouldn’t stop seeing you even if he hated us being together, honestly … but I get what you mean

majingki: I’ll arrange dinner or something soon once I know our schedule

majingki: A delicious meal will probably help us get on his good side

realjonghyun85: Hehe, that sounds familiar

realljonghyun85: I’ll wait to hear from you about it then

realjonghyun85: Hopefully it’ll be soon?

realjonghyun85: I really can’t wait till the next time we can be alone … tonight was too good

majingki: I can’t wait either hyung

majingki: I’ll make sure it’s real soon! ^^

***

 

Jinki arrives at Jonghyun’s apartment building a bit before seven.

Unlike his last few visits, where the journey up the elevator had filled his stomach with excitement, all he experiences this time is a sickening wave of nerves: in thirty minutes, Taemin will be taking the same elevator up to meet him at Jonghyun’s apartment for dinner.

Eating here will make things more awkward than they would be in a restaurant, for certain, but he still feels it’s for the best. As much as he trusts Taemin’s word not to out him or his relationship with Jonghyun, he  _doesn’t_ trust him to be as tactful about it as he’ll need to be. The last thing he wants is a fan account of two SHINee members and a third man discussing dating and sexuality plastered all over the internet.

He knocks on Jonghyun’s door when he reaches it and waits with his hands in his pockets. They’d managed to sneak in a few daytime meetups over the past week, but only one of them had ended with them back here for a quick make-out session and a handjob — Jonghyun was still too nervous about getting on Taemin’s bad side to risk taking more than an hour of his time.

After a few minutes, the door opens, revealing Jonghyun with perfectly-styled hair and the most ironed t-shirt Jinki’s ever seen him in. A nervous smile is plastered on his face that collapses into relief the moment he realizes Jinki is alone. “You came without Taemin?”

“I figured you might want to see me alone before he gets here.”

“You know me too well, Jinki-yah.” He pulls Jinki into the apartment and shuts the door behind him, then stands on his toes to give a brief kiss. “I’ve been so nervous. I know it’s better to meet here, and I was supposed to order food, but I wasn’t sure what he’d like, so I haven’t ordered yet. I was going to ask you to do it for me, but I didn’t want to text you the whole menu—”

“It’s okay, hyung.” He places a hand on Jonghyun’s chest to try and quell the panic in his eyes. “He’ll be happy with anything, and I can make the order for you now that I’m here. Don’t worry about it.”

“You know I can’t help it — but thank you, Jinki-yah.” Jonghyun grabs the menu for their favorite delivery place from the kitchen and passes it to Jinki along with his phone. Jinki goes through the menu line-by-line, remembering what Jonghyun had said about going all-out, and orders more than enough dishes for all three of them. Though the total is more than he thinks they need to spend, Jonghyun nods when he repeats it aloud, so he confirms the order with the man on the phone and hangs up.

“They said it’ll be here in less than thirty minutes. It’ll probably get here before Taemin.”

“Good. I don’t want to give him any other reason to hate me.”

“He doesn’t _hate_  you, hyung. He just doesn’t trust you yet.”

“I guess you do know him best…” Jonghyun sighs and fidgets with his sleeve. “But there’s so many reasons he could have to hate me. What if he blames me for turning you gay or something?”

Jinki frowns. “That’s not how it works.”

“We know that, obviously. But people think of it that way.“

"I already explained to him that I liked men even before we met, remember? So he won’t have any reason to think this is just because of you.” Jinki pulls Jonghyun closer until he can wrap his arms around him and rest his chin on his shoulder. “Things will be fine, I promise — this dinner is something to make him a bit more confident that we’re not hiding anything awful. It’s not going to affect what we have. We’ll just have an awkward meal together, let him see you’re a normal guy, and move on.”

Jonghyun huffs against his chest. “You make it sound so simple. Are you not nervous at all?”

“I am a bit nervous, yeah,” Jinki admits. “Mostly because I’m worried about what Taemin might say. He can be a bit blunt when he’s curious about something. But in the end, it’s not like you need his approval — he’s not my parents or anything.”

Jonghyun shivers. “I’d be fine meeting them. At least they don’t hold your career in their hands.”

“He already promised not to tell, hyung. And even if he hadn’t, he knows what outing me would do to all of us. He has a good sense of self-preservation, so you can at least have faith he wouldn’t screw himself over.”

“Yeah, you’re right…” Jonghyun pulls away just enough to look up at him with a weak smile. “Sorry — I didn’t mean to sound like I don’t trust him. My mind just keeps racing to all the worst-case scenarios.”

“It’s okay, hyung. I’m not going to take it personally, I know you tend to do that with everything.”

Jonghyun laughs and presses his forehead against Jinki’s chest. “You really  _do_  know me too well.”

Jinki tightens his arms around Jonghyun. Just as their hug ends, his phone buzzes, and he keeps one arm around Jonghyun as he checks it. “Taemin says he’s done with his vocal training for the day and he’ll be here soon. Will you be alright if I wait for him in the lobby? He gets lost easily, and I don’t want him showing up at the wrong door…”

“I’ll be fine, yeah. That’s probably a good idea.” Jonghyun wipes his palms on his jeans. “I’ll wait here in case the food shows up.”

“Thanks, hyung.” Jinki gives Jonghyun a quick kiss and squeezes his hand. “I promise things will be fine.”

Jonghyun smiles tightly. “I’m counting on it.”

Jinki heads back out the door and to the elevator. As the doors close, his stomach tightens again as anxiety for the dinner ahead returns in full-force now that he’s alone. Whenever he’s with Jonghyun, it’s too easy for him to forget that there were things outside of them he had to worry about, and that what they share would be considered unnatural to the outside world. Even with his inexperience, nothing feels more natural to him than holding Jonghyun’s hand and kissing him — but that easiness is exactly what had made him put his guard down enough to kiss Jonghyun in the dorm and gotten him into this situation.

Once in the lobby, he takes a seat far away from the entrance and hunches over his phone to play games and wait for Taemin. He still isn’t sure how he’ll approach anything during dinner, since it all depends on how Taemin acts once he’s around Jonghyun — meaning there’s no point in doing anything but distracting himself until the moment comes.

After a few rounds of Candy Pang, he hears a familiar voice and looks up.

“Hey, hyung.”

Taemin’s bundled in a face mask, hat, and hoodie, hiding all his most recognizable features, but Jinki can tells its him easily by the shape of his eyes and the lankiness of his legs.

“Hey, Taemin.” Jinki stands. “I figured it’d be better for me to wait out here. Are you ready to head up?”

Taemin nods. “Yeah, I think so.”

Jinki leads him into the elevator and pushes the button for Jonghyun’s floor. The silence between them as the door closes is more awkward than any Jinki remembers, and he reaches for the most inoffensive topic he can find. “You looking forward to a good meal?”

“Always.” Taemin’s eyes crinkle with amusement. “Especially after voice lessons.”

“Well, I hope you’re happy with the dishes we ordered — it’s the place we usually order from, so I know it’s good, and I made sure Jonghyun ordered lots of beef for you.”

At the mention of Jonghyun’s name, Taemin tenses briefly, but he plays it off with a shrug. “I’m sure there’s plenty I’ll like, hyung. You know I’ll eat practically anything.”

Jinki laughs. “That’s true.”

The elevator lets out its high-pitched  _ding_ when they reach the Jonghyun’s floor. Taemin follows him down the hall, pulling off his mask and hat along the way, and shoves them into his bag just as they reach Jonghyun’s door.

Before knocking, Jinki looks at Taemin one last time in a futile attempt to communicate everything he hopes for the dinner ahead in a glance.

_Please be nice. Please don’t say anything that’ll make Jonghyun feel like you hate him._

The door swings open nearly the second his knuckles rap against the wood. Just like before, Jonghyun is there with a nervous smile, but this time it doesn’t fall away.

“Did the delivery man beat us here?” Jinki asks, hoping to prevent any awkward silence at the start.

“Just by a few minutes.” Jonghyun’s lips pull up in a quiet thanks to Jinki before he turns. “It’s good to see you again, Taemin.”

Taemin blinks at him slowly before giving a stiff bow. “Thank you. It’s, um…good to see you too.”

When they step inside, the familiar and delicious smell of the local restaurant’s trademark stew has already filled the apartment. Dozens of dishes are laid out on the small dining table between the kitchen and living room that he and Jinki rarely use. Predictably, Taemin lights up and bolts for the table, manners entirely forgotten, which gives Jinki a chance to sneak a reassuring hand on Jonghyun’s lower back.

Jonghyun sends him a grateful smile before stepping away towards the fridge. “I’ll grab you both drinks. What do you want?”

“Just water for me.”

“…Plain coke, if you have it?” Taemin says.

“Got it.”

Jinki takes the seat across from Taemin and begins loading up his plate to try and get Taemin to do the same. By the time Jonghyun is back, Jinki’s roped Taemin into a plodding conversation about his lesson that afternoon that he observes quietly.

When it quickly dies out, Jonghyun clears his throat. “How was Japan for you, Taemin?”

“It was alright, I guess.” Taemin shrugs. “I missed home a lot.”

“I can imagine.” Jonghyun smiles sympathetically. “Promotions weren’t too hard on you, I hope? I know they took a lot out of Jinki.”

“It went well. I liked getting to revisit old songs, now that I’ve become a better performer.” Taemin pauses there, as if uncertain he should say more, but Jonghyun nods enthusiastically.

“I wondered about that — I noticed they gave you more lines in the Japanese versions than you had originally,” Jonghyun says. “It was already obvious you’ve improved as a vocalist, so I’m glad they’re giving you more to work with..”

“Ah, thank you.” Taemin stares down at his overlarge spoonful of stew to avoid meeting Jonghyun’s eyes. “I was actually really nervous about it, especially since I don’t speak Japanese well yet…”

“You’re better at it than me, at least,” Jinki says. “Probably because you’re always watching One Piece.”

Jonghyun’s eyes light up. “You like One Piece? Jinki never told me that.”

“It’s my favorite,” Taemin says, surprise plain on his face. “You watch it too?”

“All the time.”

A layer of tension falls away from the table as Jonghyun and Taemin begin to go back-and-forth about the show. Jinki relaxes in his chair, finally feeling a bit of relief now that the two of them had found something substantial to relate on. Even though he doesn’t know half of the shows they’re mentioning, seeing Taemin nod along eagerly as Jonghyun lists his favorite characters is enough to make him smile.

As Taemin piles more food from the shared dishes onto his plate, he raises an eyebrow at Jinki. “I think this is the first time in a while I’ve seen you happy to hear me talking about anime, hyung.”

“Only because I got sick of you and Minho watching it all the time in Japan — I wouldn’t mind if you just watched an episode or two, but you were marathoning it.”

“It helped us with our Japanese, so you’d probably benefit from joining us,” Taemin says. He glances at Jonghyun once before returning his attention to his food and pursing his lips. “Though I guess you might be too busy now that you’re dating, huh.”

Jinki tenses, defenses immediately rising. “Taemin…”

The table is silent outside of sound of Taemin stirring his bowl with his chopsticks. Jinki tries to think of something to say — he hadn’t prepared any script to deal with Taemin feeling  _neglected_ , like he had with the dozen other worries he’s sure Taemin has about him dating an older man and being gay.

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m taking him away.” Jonghyun says. “I understand that you might worry about it because we spend a lot of time together, and we were hiding this from you, but I’d never intentionally distance him from you or any of the other members.”

Jinki blinks across the table at Taemin, uncertain of what to say. Whatever he expected, he hadn’t expected Jonghyun to address it directly. Taemin clearly hadn’t expected it either, but he recovers quickly.

“I’m not bothered you that were hiding it from me — I get that, and I really don’t care if Jinki dates, as long as everything else is still going well,” Taemin says. “But the fact that you both were kissing in the dorm, where the other members or even a _manager_ could have caught you—”

“I already told you that was my idea,” Jinki says, defensive. “Don’t blame Jonghyun for something I did.”

Under the table, Jonghyun places a hand on his thigh to calm him. “It’s fine, Jinki-yah. I’m responsible for at least half of it.” He turns his attention back to Taemin. “I know we were stupid, and I’m sorry for it. It won’t happen again.”

Taemin takes another bite of his food and chews it slowly before swallowing. “Good. I don’t want to our group disbanded because you two couldn’t wait until you were somewhere entirely private before making out.”

Jinki flushes, but Jonghyun only nods emphatically. “I’ll make sure of it. I’ve known Jinki for over a year now, and I’ve seen how hard all of you work. I don’t want to put either of your careers at risk.”

Taemin gives a tight smile. “Thanks. It’s good to hear that.”

“Of course,” Jonghyun says, then looks to Jinki. “And if Jinki gives me the okay, I’m okay talking about any other worries you have about me or us.”

Jinki shrugs. “I’m fine with it, I guess, since you already know about us…just don’t ask anything too nosey.”

“I would _never_  do that, hyung.” Taemin laughs. “Am I allowed to ask how long you’ve liked each other? Or that Jonghyun’s liked you?”

Jinki and Jonghyun answer at the exact same time.

“I don’t see why you’d need to know that—”

"Almost a year, I think?” Jonghyun says. “I started liking him about a month after we met, but I didn’t really acknowledge it for a long time.”

“Wow, that’s a long time.” Taemin glances between the two of them, lip quirking at the corner, and Jinki freezes — he’s seen enough of Taemin teasing the other members for their crushes to know where this was going. “I think Jinki’s liked you longer, though — he seemed into you since the moment you met.”

Jonghyun leans forward with interest. “Really? Is that true?”

Jinki tries to kick Taemin under the table to shut him up, but is easily dodged. "Yeah. Now that I know he likes guys, it was kind of obvious. I thought he was trying to ask out a girl when he was first texting you because of how nervous he got, but I guess I wasn’t that far off.”

“You were nervous?” Jonghyun asks, elbowing him lightly.

Jinki covers his face with his hands. “I brought you here to make you feel like Jonghyun is trustworthy, Taemin — not to embarrass me.”

“Well, I’ve decided he seems well-intentioned, so I don’t see why I can’t switch goals now.” Taemin smiles cheekily. “We still have a lot of food left, right? I might be here a while.”

Jinki lets his hands fall away with an exaggerated sigh. When Taemin follows up with another ridiculous question about Jonghyun and their history, he rolls his eyes and continues to eat what was left of his stew, leaving them to it until he finds a spot to jump into the banter. Through the next hour, the food Jonghyun that had ordered is picked off slowly until only the scraps and dirty dishes remain.

Jonghyun gathers the plates and bowls into the container the restaurant had left for him and brings it to the door, leaving him alone at the table with Taemin.

“Jonghyun seems like an alright guy,” Taemin says. “I can see why you like him so much.”

“Yeah?” Jinki smiles, unable to hide his relief. “You approve, then?”

“I think so. He seems like he’ll be responsible about hiding things, even if you won’t be.” He pauses, clearly conflicted about his next words, but continues. “…I’m glad you have someone who will understand you, too. It can’t have been easy.”

Jinki’s throat tightens. Taemin is so rarely sincere about emotions that the words catch him off guard, and  it takes him a moment even to mumble out a small “thank you.”

“No problem, hyung.” He reaches over the table to awkwardly pat at his arm. “As long as you two are careful, I’m here to support you.”

“Thanks, Taemin,” Jinki repeats, not sure of what else to say. Neither of them have much experience talking about feelings for prolonged amounts of time, and neither of them enjoy it.

To end the discomfort, Taemin pulls out his phone and begins tapping at the screen. When it buzzes in response, he looks up to Jinki. “I told the manager I was only going to be a few hours, so he’s already on his way back.”

“Okay,” Jinki says. When Jonghyun returns, he stands and reaches to put a hand on his shoulder, only stopping the gesture after Taemin’s eyes widen. “Would you want to want watch TV or something until you leave?”

"When I leave…?” Taemin trails off, plainly confused. “You’re not coming back to the dorms tonight?”

“Uh — I wasn’t planning on heading back now, at least.” When Taemin stares at him blankly, he feels his ears burn. “It’s only ten, right? I usually stay out later than this with him.”

“T-true, yeah.” Taemin’s ears turn red. “I’ll let Gyeongshik know you’re staying out later with a friend, I guess?”

“I’d appreciate that.”

Taemin nods stiffly. His mind is clearly elsewhere, now that Jinki’s made it clear he plans to stay later, and he checks his phone once more as if hoping for another message from Gyeongshik.

Jonghyun shuts the door behind Taemin and turns to Jinki with wide eyes. “Isn’t staying here after he leaves pushing things a little bit?”

Jinki shrugs. “He’ll have to get used to it eventually. And he told me he approved of you, when you were putting the dishes out. I think it’ll be fine.”

“…He said that?”

“Yeah.” Jinki grins and steps forward. “He said he’s glad I have someone that’ll understand me. And that he’ll be supportive as long as we’re careful.”

“Wow.” Jonghyun’s lips spread wider as the words sink in. “I can’t say I expected that at all…especially since I feel like there might be a bit of jealousy behind his concern.”

“Jealousy? _”_  Jinki snorts, disbelieving. “No — Taemin’s straight. He was just worried about your intentions.”

Jonghyun raises an eyebrow. “You really don’t think there’s any chance of it? With how he looks at you all admiringly.”

“He just looks at me that way because I’m the oldest in our group, and I’ve been there for him for years now. That’s all it is.”

“If you say so.” Jonghyun shrugs. “You know him better than me, after all. I’m just happy to have his official approval now.”

Jinki pulls Jonghyun in by the hips until he can rest their foreheads together. “I hope you know that even if he  _were_  bothered by it, I’d still be staying longer. I’ve barely gotten to see you since he caught us, and I don’t want anyone’s opinion to affect our relationship too much.”

Jonghyun laughs lightly. “Well, I can’t say I want to argue with that. I just didn’t realize you’d be staying.”

“You’re okay with it, though? I thought since you didn’t have work tonight, you’d want to do something together…”

“Of course I’d like more time with you.” Jonghyun runs a hand slowly over Jinki’s and looks up at him through his lashes. “Did you have something in mind that you wanted to do?”

Jinki purses his lips. “I haven’t seen you for nearly a week. What do _you_  think I want to do?”

“I don’t know,” Jonghyun muses, smirking. “Since we haven’t met at night for a while, my billiards skills are probably getting rusty…did you want to go practice?”

An indignant whine escapes Jinki’s throat. “ _Hyung_.”

“Sorry, you’re just too cute when you’re impatient.” His breath tightens when Jinki begins to nose at his neck. “You really didn’t have anything planned for after he left, though?”

“There wasn’t much point, since we don’t ever end up doing what we planned anymore…” Jinki skims his hand up Jonghyun’s shirt to play with the hem and allow his knuckles to rub against Jonghyun’s stomach. “Going out isn’t nearly as much fun.”

Jonghyun shivers when Jinki’s fingers reach the trail of hair starting lower on his abdomen. "You’re getting bolder, Jinki-yah. I like it.”

“Yeah?” Jinki lowers his hand further. Jonghyun throbs under his palm, eagerly responding to his touch, and stumbles back with a surprised gasp when Jinki squeezes.

“W-we should move somewhere I won’t fall down.”

“Alright.”

Jonghyun takes Jinki’s face in his hands and kisses him firmly as he guides him away from the front door. Jinki’s familiar enough with the path to the couch by now to make the journey backwards, so the kiss doesn’t break until Jonghyun shoves him back onto the cushions.

“Tell me if I’m going too fast.”

Jinki nods eagerly when Jonghyun immediately straddles him and pushes up his shirt until it bunches under his armpits. He bends down, taking Jinki’s lips in a kiss, then slides a hand from his chest to his sides to his stomach before pushing it under his jeans.

“S-shit.” Jinki arches into the touch, already feeling the heat of Jonghyun’s palm through his boxers. He reaches down to quickly unbutton himself, giving Jonghyun better access, and bucks up when Jonghyun uses the room to grip his cock and stroke him through the fabric.

When he bucks up, needing more, Jonghyun pulls him out and leans down to meet his lips him again. Jinki kisses him back clumsily. He’s barely able to keep up, and he loves it — everything is overwhelming, from the quick jerks Jonghyun is giving his cock, to the desperate way Jonghyun is grinding against his thigh to try and get himself off as he brings Jinki closer and closer.

He’s too far gone to be embarrassed by how quickly he’s reaching his peak, but not lost enough to ignore that the steady movements of Jonghyun’s hips give him other ideas of what they could do. The pressure of Jonghyun’s weight on top of him reminds him that he’s on his back underneath him, and his heated mind joins with his imagination to make him wonder what it might be like to have Jonghyun inside him while they’re positioned like this.

His cock twitches in Jonghyun’s hand, responding to the image, and he only manages to hold back his orgasm by the skin of his teeth.

"Hyung, wait—”  

Jonghyun stops immediately. Worry flashes across his face, and Jinki reaches for his wrist to soothe it.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, sorry — I just didn’t want to come yet.”

“Oh?”

Jinki takes a deep breath and tightens his hold on Jonghyun’s wrist. He needs some kind of lifeline, for what he’s going to say. “I want something other than touching, maybe. Not that I don’t didn’t want that or enjoy it — I just, um — I’d like to try going further, I think.”

Jonghyun blinks at him slowly. “…What do you mean by that?”

Jinki’s cheeks heat. As ready as he feels for everything, finding the actual words is still beyond him. “You know — you on top of me, I guess, with your fingers, and then…” he reaches out and tugs on Jonghyun’s hips slightly to demonstrate. “The rest of you. I want that.”

Jonghyun stares at him, expression tight. Jinki can see the strain in his next breath as he tries to compose himself before speaking. “Are you sure? If you’re having trouble talking about it, I don’t want you to jump into anything you’re not ready for…”

“I’m just not good with words. You know that.” He meets Jonghyun’s eyes with the surest expression he can manage through his embarrassment. “I’m sure I want this, hyung. I’ve thought about it a lot _._ ”

Jonghyun looks Jinki over once more and licks his lips. His hand grazes lightly over his bare stomach as he pulls back. “Okay, uh — I have condoms in my room.”

Jinki’s pulse races. When Jonghyun rolls off of him, he pushes himself back into his boxers and stands. His shirt is a disheveled mess, so he pulls it off the rest of the way and slings it over the back of the couch.

Jonghyun takes his hand and leads him to the bedroom, and they both exchange a look when he opens the door to reveal the picture of two shirtless boys that sits over his fireplace mantle.

“I’m going to grab everything now, so we won’t have to get up in the middle of things. Is that alright?”

Jinki nods stiffly and moves to the side of the bed to wait. Something about being in Jonghyun’s room has made his nerves catch up with him. They still never came in here much, since they always ended up on the couch, so he’s never established a set place to sit or a routine of what to do with himself. He ends up watching dumbly as Jonghyun gathers together everything they need: a towel from the bathroom, probably for after, a condom torn from a strip in his drawer, and a bottle of clear liquid Jinki guesses to be lube.

When Jonghyun tosses them all onto the bed, he thumbs the top of his still-opened jeans and clears his throat. “I guess I should I take these off now?”

“That’s up to you,” Jonghyun says. “I don’t mind going slow. And you can always change your mind, or if you’re just too nervous—”

Jinki shakes his head. “I’ll be fine once we get back into it.”

He tugs his jeans down and kicks them off, then watches as Jonghyun does the same and with his own and strips away shirt. Jinki’s gone soft, thanks to nerves, but Jonghyun is still half-hard in his boxers, making it difficult not to stare as he climbs onto the bed.

The hand Jonghyun extends to him is the only reason he manages to take his attention away from Jonghyun’s dick. “You want to get on the bed, Jinki-yah?”

Jinki puts one knee on the mattress and swings the other over Jonghyun to straddle him. He looks down and gives a shaky grin. “Like this?”

Jonghyun bites his lip and nods. He frames Jinki’s hips with his hands, then moves one further back to squeeze his rear. When Jinki falls onto his elbows with a groan, Jonghyun’s lips find his jaw. “You want me to top, right? From what you said earlier—”

“Yeah, I do.” Jinki cuts him off with a roll of his hips. The ridge of the condom packet digs into his forearm, and he can feel Jonghyun hardening further underneath him, making it all too real that they’re going to be going further this time. He catches Jonghyun’s lips in a kiss and licks at them shamelessly, too worked up for finesse, and feels his cock throb when Jonghyun opens his mouth and pushes the hem of his boxers up to dig fingertips into the curve of his ass.

The force of it makes Jinki pitch forward again, and Jonghyun thrusts up to meet him. Their movements devolve into mess of grinding that Jinki can barely follow, but Jonghyun somehow manages to pant out a coherent sentence between their kisses. ”Let me know when you want me to finger you.”

Just the mention of it sends another wave of heat surging through his skin. “Now is good.”

The hand Jonghyun still has on his side thumbs absently at his hips. “…Alright. It’ll probably be easiest if you’re on your stomach, or if you’re on your back I’m between your legs — you can pick which one.”

Without saying anything, Jinki rolls over to the empty side of the bed onto his back and kicks off his boxers. Jonghyun laughs lightly as he reaches over Jinki to grab the towel he’d set on the bed earlier and pushes it under Jinki’s hips. “I guess this means you want to be on your back?”

Jinki flushes as Jonghyun’s knuckles brush against the bare skin under his thighs, now embarrassed at his own eagerness. “It’s what I’m used to, from when I’ve tried this myself, so….”

“Ah.” Jonghyun licks his lips. His interest in the idea is apparent from the way his hand stutters on its path to Jinki’s thigh. “You’re not totally new to this, then?”

“No.” Jinki purses his lips, shy. “I haven’t done anything with anyone, obviously, but I wanted to know what it’d feel like.”

The snap of Jonghyun opening the lube cap echoes in the room. Jinki can’t bring himself to look at Jonghyun in the eye, so he stares at his throat and bare chest, watching how his muscles shift as he moves down the bed and squeezes some of the liquid out of the bottle onto his fingers.

Though he sees it coming, the kiss of Jonghyun’s lips to the inside of his knee still makes him jolt. “You sure you want me to do this?”

“Yeah.” Jinki swallows. “I just got a embarrassed talking about doing it to myself.”

“Well, it’s nothing to be ashamed of…and if I’m honest, I like hearing about it.” Jonghyun smiles at him shyly. “You think you’re relaxed enough?”

Jinki breathes out slowly and nods. Jonghyun watches him intently as he slips a hand between his legs, and Jinki is forced to pull his lip between his teeth to suppress a gasp when his cold fingers contact the sensitive skin at the crease of his thigh. In soft circles, he presses, bidding Jinki to open his legs wider until he can sit between them completely, and in only a few seconds the slick warms to his body and makes it easy for Jonghyun to move closer to his hole without lifting away.

He closes his eyes, expecting to feel at least a slight bit of pressure, but Jonghyun only runs his finger in a lazy circle

“Going in,” Jonghyun murmurs. He twists his hand for a proper angle, and only the anticipation of moving on from this teasing keeps Jinki from hissing out a clenched  _finally_ between his teeth.

The first press against his rim makes him clench on instinct, but he quickly forces himself to relax and push down, remembering how much easier his own fingers had gone in once he had managed to push down against them. His toes curl as Jonghyun’s enters him easily, and he lets out an involuntary gasp when he feels him reach the second knuckle.

Jinki clenches the sheets as a single finger enters him. He’s done it himself, so the feeling isn’t entirely new, but having the movements out of his control is — Jonghyun’s hand feels warmer between his legs than his own ever had, and his skin is buzzing, every nerve alert to the fact that Jonghyun is actually inside him. He moans openly when Jonghyun pushes in that last inch and curves his finger, no longer able to hold back his reactions to the pleasure rolling throughout his body.

“Fuck,” Jonghyun breathes, eyes intent on Jinki’s lips as he watches him reverently. He shifts his hand to run two other fingers along Jinki’s rim and kisses him while spreading more lube with his fingertips. “Should I add another?”

Jinki nods, throat too tight for words. When he feels the second finger enter him, he reaches for Jonghyun’s hair and grips on tightly, only relaxing his hold after the slight discomfort changes into a fully pleasant stretch. His whole body warms as the sensation fizzes outwards, and in only another minute, he’s pushing down and asking for another, unable to think of anything else but this might feel even better once Jonghyun is inside him and getting pleasure from it too.

The thought slips to the back of his mind, pushed there by the steady build of heat and pleasure with each of Jonghyun’s movements. He knows he’s making sound, and he knows he’s shifting with every push and curve of Jonghyun’s fingers, but it all feels like a daze that only ends when Jonghyun slips his other hand around him to give his cock a single, slow stroke. The combination of sensations makes his hips jerk involuntarily, and he nearly pulls himself off of Jonghyun’s fingers with how suddenly he rises up.

“That’s three fingers.” He keeps them half inside as he stops give Jinki another kiss on his thigh. “Do you feel like you’re stretched enough?”

“I think so?“ Jinki says, unsure. He doesn’t entirely know how to tell, but he knows he doesn’t want to wait any longer.

"I’m going to pull my fingers out, then,” Jonghyun warns him. “That might feel a little weird.”

“Okay.” Jinki breathes out as it happens, scrunching his eyes against the sensation. It doesn’t hurt — the movement nearly feels good, just as it had when Jonghyun was moving his fingers in and out — but he’s never felt quite so open after fingering himself.

His attention shifts when Jonghyun reaches near his head to grab the condom packet from where it’d shifted from their motions. From the corner of his eye, he watches as Jonghyun tears open the foil and rolls the condom down over himself, then slicks himself up with a quickly-squeezed line of lube.

His heart races as he watches Jonghyun’s hand move along his own cock. He can’t tell if it’s from anticipation or nerves — they’re nearly the same thing, in a way, with how much he’s built this up — but Jonghyun is over him again before he can try and untangle the emotions.

Jinki’s eyes close instinctively, and it’s only when Jonghyun pulls back that he opens them.

“Did you want to stay on your back? Or would you feel better with more control?”

“I think I’ll feel better if you’re controlling the pace, so I can just concentrate on relaxing…” He chews on his lips. “I think I’d like to be able to see your face, too, so this is nice.”

“Okay.”

Jonghyun lowers himself further, and for the first time, Jinki feels Jonghyun’s cock brush between his legs. The sensation makes him gasp against Jonghyun’s cheek, and he twists his body on instinct, trying to feel it more fully. A whine escapes his throat. “Hyung, please.”

Jonghyun brushes his hair back from his face and smiles at him softly. “Sorry, I don’t want to rush this — are you relaxed? You still want to do this?”

“Yes.” Jinki smooths his palms over Jonghyun’s biceps and forces out a slow breath. “I mean, I know I want this. And I know you’ll make us stop if it feels bad.”

Jonghyun’s lip quirks. “I want this to be good for both of us, especially since it’s another first for you.”

“Well, you have a great track record with that so far.” Jinki grins. “So I’m not too worried.”

Jonghyun laughs and lowers himself onto his elbows. He takes Jinki’s cheek in his hand, then kisses him slowly, building its intensity until Jinki is grinding up in a futile attempt to make Jonghyun’s cock slip inside of him. Just as Jinki is ready to beg for Jonghyun to get on with it, a hand moves between his legs to nudge them open wider before lining himself up.

His breath catches in his throat when he feels Jonghyun’s cockhead against him.

“I’m going to push in, okay?”

“Yeah.”

Jinki closes his eyes and exhales, willing himself to let go of all the tension in his body. He’s wanted this for so long — sex itself and Jonghyun — so it’s not difficult to relax. The first stretch is slightly uncomfortable, but he barely has time to process it. As he legs bend back, Jonghyun curves over him, lips fully over his as he kisses him in a distraction of warmth and soft little slides of tongue that make it seem so natural to open more and more for the cock pushing inside of him.

Before he realizes it, Jonghyun bottoms out, and the breath he’d been holding back falls against Jinki’s lips. “Everything feel alright?”

Jinki’s eyes flutter open, and he grips Jonghyun’s shoulders tighter. “Feels fine — there was a bit of a stretch, but nothing painful…you can try moving if you want.“

"Give me a minute,” Jonghyun says, brows straining with effort. “I have to adjust — it’s been a while. You feel too good.”

Jinki laughs softly against Jonghyun’s shoulder and lets his head fall back to the mattress. The moment of pause gives them both a chance to adjust — Jinki finds a better spot to rest his feet over the back of Jonghyun’s thighs, and Jonghyun finds more comfortable spot for his hands that won’t risk catching any of Jinki’s longer hair.

"Going to move now,” Jonghyun murmurs. Jinki nods and shifts his legs back further when he feels Jonghyun press forward. The sensation of Jonghyun sliding back makes his jaw clench on instinct, but when Jonghyun fills him again, his mouth falls open with an immediate and surprised moan.

He hadn’t expected being fucked to feel so  _intense_.

The next thrust draws the same noise from him, and he buries his face against Jonghyun’s neck, unsure how else to deal with the vulnerability of having moans being pulled out of him so easily. He muffles his next noise against Jonghyun’s skin, turning it into a whimper that brings Jonghyun to another stop.

“Jinki-yah? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, it’s good — just a  _lot_ of good.” He swallows and grips Jonghyun’s shoulders tighter. “Don’t stop, please.”

Jonghyun lets out a breathy “ _okay_ ,” and then he’s moving again, this time with firm and sure movements that make Jinki realize everything before had been with Jonghyun holding back. Now, he can feel Jonghyun’s want in every movement, and the knowledge of that makes the rush that comes with every thrust feel even more heated.

Too soon, something about their position shifts and starts a familiar build of pleasure in him. With a gasp, he tightens his legs around Jonghyun with a gasp — Jonghyun isn’t even speeding up, but he’s getting closer and closer, building slowly to the brink from overwhelming heat of Jonghyun’s skin all against his own and the cock pushing inside him. Even when Jonghyun’s arms start to shake, his hips continue steadily, letting Jinki anticipate the rhythm when he slips a hand between them to try stroking himself.

His head flies back against the pillow the moment he has closes his fingers around his cock, and he presses his ankles firmly against Jonghyun’s hips in desperation. “Hyung — I might come soon.”

Jonghyun’s eyes widen. For a moment, he stills, supporting himself on one arm as he moves a hand between them to wrap it around Jinki’s own. “Can I do this for you?”

Jinki nods fervently. When Jonghyun begins to move again, he jolts, no longer able to control his movements as he’s overwhelmed by the slick palm of Jonghyun’s hand stroking his cock in perfect time with the movement of his hips. His whole body warms, lips falling open with a stuttered shout of Jonghyun’s name and  _hyung_  that only makes Jonghyun fuck into him faster.

He has a brief moment of clarity before his orgasm hits him, allowing him to arch into the sensation, but he’s, too lost to hold back the tight and strangled sound that escapes from his throat or the reflexive kick of one of his legs against the mattress. His hands find the back of Jonghyun’s shoulders, grasping for something to hold onto through the bliss, and feels a hot gasp fall against his ear.

"Fuck.” Jonghyun buries his face against Jinki’s neck, hips pumping in small and fervent bursts as he loses pace. Jinki clutches Jonghyun tight to him, face flushing hotter when he feels Jonghyun throb inside him after a soft moan of his name.

When Jonghyun collapses onto him, Jinki continues holding him, too content to care about spreading the mess he’d made between their stomachs and making it worse. Both their chests heave as they catch up on air, and Jonghyun is still panting when he presses a kiss to Jinki’s cheek. “Was that good? For you?”

“More than good,” Jinki murmurs, still boneless and dazed. Jonghyun turns his head to kiss his lips, and he returns it after a small delay that makes them both laugh.

“Sounds like you enjoyed it, then.” Jonghyun smiles down at him and smoothes out where his hair has mused from the pillow. “I have to pull out. That alright?”

“Mm. Yeah.”

Jonghyun grasps the base of his cock and leans back, letting himself slip out slowly. When he’s out completely, Jinki scrunches his nose at the open feeling left behind.

Jonghyun eyes him with concern as he pulls of the condom and tosses it into a bin near his bedside. “You’re not hurting, are you?”

“Not really — it’s just a bit uncomfortable.” He winces again at the tension in his thighs when he lets his legs slump flat onto the mattress. “My legs are a bit strained, and having something in me and then suddenly nothing feels kind of weird.”

“Sorry.” Jonghyun smiles guiltily and lays down besides him. “I should have warned you it might feel like that after.”

“It’s fine, really — I still would have wanted to do it.” He shifts to curl against Jonghyun, then freezes, suddenly made even more aware by the movement of the disconcerting empty feeling and the slickness that remains between his cheeks and under his legs. A flush crawls up his face. “Do you mind if I use the bathroom, hyung? It’ll just be a minute..”

“Of course not, go ahead.” Jonghyun pulls away from him just enough to let him stand. “Let me know if you need anything, or if you want to shower — I’ll probably want to wash off a bit.”

Jinki nods hurriedly and rushes off. His legs feel like jelly, as if he’s still trying to find his balance after being at sea, so he sits himself as quickly as he can. He’s never been in Jonghyun’s private bathroom before, but it’s easy enough to navigate with only the light of the bedroom peaking through after he shuts the door.

He does the best job he can of cleaning up the lube still left on himself, making more than a few extra swipes even once he’s certain he’s gotten the last of it, then dampens a washcloth to clean off the come he’d gotten on his stomach.

Halfway through, he turns the light on to make sure he hasn’t missed anything, but ends up blinking at his own reflection in the mirror as his eyes adjust. He looks a bit of a mess — there’s a streak of come he somehow missed on his side, a splotch of pink still lingering on his chest, and his hair is some disheveled mix of wavy and straight — but he finds himself smiling.

Even though none of it feels quite real yet, he feels more rooted in himself. He’s still the same person —  having Jonghyun in him for the first time hadn’t changed who he is — but he feels more rooted to himself, as if he’s finally gotten to fully access some part of himself and his sexuality that he couldn’t quite reach without the help of another man.

It’s a good feeling, and the more it sinks in, the more he realizes he needs Jonghyun near him again to appreciate it fully. He opens the door and peeks his head out. “You can come in now, hyung.”

Jonghyun stares at him intently, concern etched in his wrinkled brow. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah.” Jinki laughs. “I just needed a moment alone to get all the extra lube off me.”

“…I might’ve gone a bit overboard to be safe. I’ll admit.” Jonghyun grins. He slides off of the bed to join Jinki in the bathroom and eyes the washcloth in his hand. “Did you want to wash up together?”

“This is as much as I can manage, unless you’re offering to hold me up the whole time we shower.” Jinki slumps back against counter.

“As much as I love the idea, I don’t think we should try that tonight.” He holds out his hand for the washcloth Jinki still has in his hands, and Jinki passes it over, watching intently as he uses it to wipe down the small amount of come that had somehow managed to shoot up onto his stomach. When he moves the rag lower to clean off his now-soft cock, Jinki swallows and stares, unable to resist the sight of Jonghyun touching himself even though the motions are entirely methodical.

Jonghyun raises an eyebrow at him. “You enjoying the view, Jinki-yah?”

“Obviously. It’s the first time I’ve gotten to see you totally naked.”

“A few minutes ago didn’t count?”

Jinki pinches his side. “I was a _little_  bit distracted by the thought we were about to have sex.”

Jonghyun laughs and drops the washcloth in his hand. Taking Jinki’s cheek in his hand, he steps forward and kisses him slowly, allowing their bodies to press fully together.

Jinki’s pulse races. Despite all his exhaustion, he can feel a twitch of heat between his legs, and his body aches with an echo of want when their lips finally part. Warmth lights up Jonghyun’s eyes as he plays with the waves of hair stuck behind Jinki’s ear.

“You know, I was a little worried cleaning up after would ruin the romance.”

“I don’t think anything could do that, hyung.” He leans into the hand against his head and closes his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy the moment. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“Me too.” Jonghyun buries his head against his neck and sighs. “We should go lay down before we end up falling asleep in the bathroom.”

“It’s still pretty early for you, isn’t it?”

“Early for a normal night, yeah. But I’m tired after everything.” Jonghyun wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him close. “You’re staying the night, right? No schedules?”

“No schedules.” Jinki affirms. He buries himself back against Jonghyun. “Wouldn’t have done this if I did.”

“What can I say…I’m sentimental.” Jonghyun presses a kiss to his neck. “You want to get back in bed?”

“Yeah.”

Jonghyun takes his hand and leads him back towards the bedroom. He flicks the bathroom light off when he walks past it, then the bedroom one, leaving them with nothing more than a lamp he must have flipped on while Jinki was out of the room.

When Jonghyun slips into the covers, he follows suit from the other side and meets Jonghyun in the middle of the bed, curling up against him and reveling in all the bare skin he can feel against his own when their legs meet under the sheets. There’s a prickle of interest in the back of his mind, coaxing him to let his hands wander, but he decides against it. They’ll have plenty of time for that in the future.

He stretches up for a simple kiss. Jonghyun meets his lips with a smile. “You look deep in thought.”

“I am.” Jinki laces their fingers together as he ducks his head against Jonghyun’s chest. “Just…taking it all in, I guess.”

Jonghyun snorts. “I thought that part was over.”

Jinki’s face heats. “You know what I meant, hyung.”

“Sorry.” Jonghyun nuzzles into his hair.

“It’s alright.” Jinki squeezes himself even closer to Jonghyun and sighs with contentment. “You think we can fall asleep like this?”

“Maybe,” Jonghyun murmurs. “I’ve gotten used to sleeping alone, but I’ll like this more. Especially since I’ll get to see you right when I wake up.”

Jinki hums a low acknowledgment. Now that he’s warm and comfortable, buried in blankets and the familiar smell of Jonghyun’s cologne, he can feel how easily sleep will come to him. It only takes a few minutes of listening to Jonghyun’s breathing slow down for him to drift off. Though the mattress under him is unfamiliar, the man against him isn’t.

He feels at home.


	11. Chapter 11

The moment they finish bowing at the end of their Christmas-day performance, Jinki rocks back on his heels and glances off stage, impatient. He doesn’t want to spend an hour mingling with the staff and the other idols they always saw at these holiday things. He had promised Jonghyun they would spend some of the night together, even if it meant waiting until two in the morning when Jonghyun got back from his own Christmas broadcast.

After what feels like forever, they finally receive the signal to leave the stage. Jinki hurries back to their dressing room and changes out of the outfit he’d been stuffed into for their performance for his own sweater and simple black jeans. Just as he starts to fix his hair in the mirror, he sees Kibum enter the room and glance at the still-open bag by his side.

A slow grin spread across his lips. “Where you going tonight, old man? It looks like you packed enough clothes for tomorrow.”

Jinki rolls his eyes. “I told you already — I’m going home for a bit before New Years.”

The other members file into the room just as Kibum laughs. “Uh-huh. You’re heading to your parents, when it’s nearly midnight, because you’re  _just_  that filial.”

“Oh, Jinki-hyung’s going to his parents again?” Minho stares at Jinki’s frowning reflection in the mirror as he continues to fix his hair. “You sure, uh…put a lot of effort into looking good for a visit home.”

Jinki turns around to glare at them and Taemin. Though he hadn’t said anything yet — and he’s done a perfect job of keeping the fact that he was dating Jonghyun a secret — he hadn’t done a good job of hiding the fact that Jinki is dating  _someone_. It’d only taken one stupid knowing grin after someone had asked Jinki where he’d been all night for the members to run wild with speculation, and he knew protesting would get him nowhere.

As always, Taemin smiles at him guiltily and gives an unhelpful shrug. “Hyung’s parents are pretty polite, so I can see them appreciating him dressing nice.”

Jino snorts. “Yeah, okay. Tell your girlfriend we all said hi — I hope you got her something nice.”

“I don’t have time for a girlfriend, and I wouldn’t have time to shop for her even if I did.” Jinki sighs and pulls his bag over his shoulder. It isn’t entirely a lie — he hadn’t had time to shop much, and since Jonghyun isn’t religious in the least, he’ll just be picking up a cake on the way to share.

“I’m sure she’ll forgive you, since you’re an idol,” Kibum assures, expression still entirely mischievous. “Have fun with your ‘family’ tonight. Don’t do anything that could get caught on camera.”

Jinki lets a small huff to hide his smile — as annoying as the members could be, it always amuses him how similar their concerns for him are. “Merry Christmas to you all, too.”

*** 

 

Despite all the traffic and his last-minute stop to purchase a cake, Jinki somehow reaches Jonghyun’s apartment before him. He presses the now-familiar code into the keypad of his door, then enters the empty apartment and flips on the kitchen light. After putting the cake in the fridge to keep it fresh, he heads to the bedroom to drop off his overnight bag and and steals a few candles from Jonghyun’s nightstand before returning to the kitchen.

He’s no romantic, but he thinks Jonghyun will appreciate it if he makes the table a look a little more special than usual.

He finishes placing the candles in the best arrangement he can come up with his limited skill, then pulls out his phone to pass the time. One game of Candy Pang later, he hears the click of the front door unlocking, and has to rush to light all the candles before Jonghyun reaches the room.

Just as Jonghyun steps into view, he flicks off the light and grins. “Hey, hyung.”

“Hey.” Jonghyun laughs. He blinks widely as his eyes adjust to the dimly-lit room, and Jinki uses the chance to steal a kiss from him. Jonghyun’s lips are spread in a wider smile when he pulls away. “I can’t believe you set up candles. And that you beat me here — I heard the broadcast was a big production.”

Jinki shrugs. “I left as soon as I could. Wasn’t too hard.”

“Lucky you.” Jonghyun sighs. “I had to do a lot of question-dodging to get away from work…everyone there is used to me being sad and single, so they’d always take me out for drinks after our show. I missed it last year, when I went to Japan, but they still roped me into going with them once I was back.” He shakes his head. “When I said I was seeing someone tonight, you can imagine how badly they wanted to know who it was.”

Jinki raises an eyebrow. “Didn’t they already know you were dating?”

“Kind of, but I don’t think they realized it was serious. Most of them think it’s a girl, but Youngbae’s convinced I won’t give any names because it’s an actor. I don’t know why he thinks that, considering I have nothing to do with that industry…”

“I’m just glad he hasn’t guessed it was me.”

“Me too, honestly.” Jonghyun steps closer to him to run fingers through the hair on the back of his neck. “Did you cut your hair shorter? It looks different, but I can never tell if you got it cut when the style changes so much…“

"Just a bit of a trim — they say it’s it’s a lot of effort to style when it’s long, so they keep pushing me to cut it. But I know they’re giving Taemin long hair for the next concept, though, so I think I can convince them to let me grow it out too.”

“You’ll look good either way, but I’ll admit I’m interested in you growing it out again…I never got to play with it much when it was at its longest, since we weren’t dating yet.”

"You should have tried it anyway,” Jinki says. “Maybe we could have gotten together sooner.”

With a small chuckle, Jonghyun pulls him into a kiss. “I’m plenty happy with how things worked out, I think.”

“Me too.” Jinki places his hands over Jonghyun’s to late their fingers together, but Jonghyun pulls away quickly before he can.

“Sorry, hold on — I have a gift for you. I want you to open it here, since you set all this up.”

Jinki purses his lips. “I didn’t realize we were getting gifts. I only bought us a cake…”

“Trust me, a cake is perfect. And you bought me a new earring last week — that counts as enough.”

“If you say so, hyung.”

“I mean it,” Jonghyun says, entirely seriously. “You wait here, I’ll be right back.”  

Jinki nods. He watches as Jonghyun rushes off to bedroom door, disappearing inside for a moment, then reemerges with a small, wrapped box in his hands. A flush rises on his cheeks when Jonghyun passes it to him with an eager smile and gestures for him to open it.

He slips his fingers under the paper, carefully unsticking the largest piece of tape without tearing the paper, then begins to unwrap it from around the corners.

Jonghyun raises an eyebrow at his method. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone unwrap something so carefully.”

“You put a lot of effort into doing it well, taking my time is the least I could do.”

“The store did it, actually…”

Jinki laughs. “Okay, then I won’t feel bad if I tear it.”

He rushes through unwrapping the rest, no longer feeling guilty when the paper tears to reveal a solid black box. From the weight and size of it, he’d had suspicions it might be jewelry, but now he’s nearly certain.

Jinki’s cheeks heat as he stares at the box. Though he had never minded Jonghyun doting on him, he’s still getting used to how much more intense it’d gotten since they became partners.

He looks up at Jonghyun. “…Did you get me jewelry, hyung?”

“Just finish opening it,” Jonghyun mumbles, equally embarrassed.

Jinki lifts the lid quietly. A plain silver ring rests inside, and when he begins to pull it out, he realizes that what he thought was a single ring is actually two, locked together by a small design on the band.

He stares at them, then at Jonghyun. "There’s two rings?”

“Yeah.” Jonghyun reaches over to help him separate them with a shy smile. “I know it’s kind of cheesy, and hopefully not too soon…I just remember you sounded kind of sad that we could never have obvious couple things, so I thought something subtle might be nice…”

"We spent enough time pining after each other, so it’ll never be too soon.” Jinki smiles and slips one of the rings onto his fingers. He holds up his hand to inspect it, appreciating the way the candlelight makes the silver glint. “I really like it. You don’t think people will be able to tell we’re wearing part of a set?”

“I thought of that issue, actually.” Jonghyun takes the box from Jinki’s hands and removes the cushion the ring had been imbedded in, revealing a thin silver chain underneath. “The rings might be obvious if we both wore them on the same finger or on our hands, so I bought a chain to wear mine around my neck.”

“That’s really smart,“ Jinki says, impressed. Picking up the chain out of the box, he runs a finger along Jonghyun’s neck, "Do you want me to put yours on for you?”

Jonghyun shivers involuntarily. “S-sure.”

Grinning, Jinki gestures for Jonghyun to turn around and take a seat at one of the chairs of the nearby table. He waits for Jonghyun to settle, then leans down and threads the chain through the ring and lets it rest over Jonghyun’s collar. He brushes his fingers against Jonghyun’s collarbone as he slips his fingers back to close the clasp.

Jonghyun’s breathing stutters. Even without being able to see his face, Jinki knows that Jonghyun’s eyes are fluttering shut from the sensation. He’s learned from experience that Jonghyun’s neck and collar is the most sensitive part of him.

When he finally pulls back, Jonghyun turns around to look at him over his shoulder. “I’m guessing you like them, then?”

“I like them a lot.” Jinki jerks the chair back just enough to fit himself between the table and Jonghyun when he circles to the other side. Placing a knee between Jonghyun’s legs, he eyes the necklace appreciatively, then slips a hand over Jonghyun’s chest, stopping once his new ring aligns with the just above the low neckline of his shirt. “It looks good on you.”

Jonghyun smiles coyly, lip between his teeth, and looks up at him through his lashes. “I’m guessing so, since you’re giving me that look. But what about the cake you got me?”

“It’ll last in the fridge, I’m sure.” Jinki loops his arms around Jonghyun’s neck as he straddles the chair, then slowly lowers himself into Jonghyun’s lap. Jinki catches his chin with his hand, then kisses him deeply, until he can feel Jonghyun harden underneath him. “Besides, hyung…I can think of a better present for tonight.”

“You’re cheesy, Jinki-yah.” Jonghyun slips his thumbs beneath the waist of his jeans. “But I like it.”


End file.
